I’m so sorry you and your H have to deal with this, in addition to your H’s difficult medical situation. It’s NOT fair and adds stress that neither you nor your H deserve at this time. I’m glad you have shared with him and he will deal with his folks. Good luck to both of you to his full and speedy recovery. It’s so tough when people choose to be difficult and unreasonable, especially when our loved one is needing all possible strength to recover.
Your first post didn’t make clear that your husband doesn’t want them there. Now that that’s clarified, my answer’s a little different.
I’d just do what he wants you to do. Does he want you to make a major stand? Do that.
Does he want you to just go with the flow and not say anything (and let him put up with the unwanted visit)? Do that.
I know for myself, there are certain people that I prefer not visit when I’m sick. But given the choice between having them visit and having my (now-ex) husband tell them I don’t want them to visit, I’d take the visit.
I objected to MY mother insisting on coming to the hospital when DH was there. But it was during an actual crisis.
I’ve had abdominal surgery and it can take weeks to be comfortable.
If they’re in their 70’s, this is likely at least a bit about their own age-related fears and of losing him. Death weighs more as we age and this is their child. They may be coming in order to know they did.
Thing is, for most difficult surgeries, the nurses and doctors will be your allies. It doesn’t matter if they plan to “stay a few hours,” that’s too long. The nurses will likely agree to tell them and to shoo the parents out after 30 minutes. Maybe they come by the next day and same routine.
Your H shouldn’t have to feign sleep. If they do come, line up your nurse team. And be prepared with an excuse you can’t entertain them on the off time. Best wishes.
Don’t worry about being enemy #1. Do what works for the two of you. My MIL was in Europe visiting family when dear H had a very serious accident some years ago. I chose not to tell her until she returned to the US. They were not not life threatening but his injuries required multiple surgeries. My MIL is a strong personality and feels compelled to question every medical decision. She would have gotten on a plane immediately and on top of handling a traumatized eight year old with a papa who was wired up, drugged up and a complete mess I would have had to deal with her. I was in charge of supervising the layers of care for a very beaten up guy. H need peace and healing time. This is not a grandma who would have moved into my house, swooped up her granddaughter and tried to make things better. This is a grandma who would have moved into a four star hotel near the hospital, told me to take care of my daughter and come to the hospital when I could find a sitter. My husband’s sister knew of my decision and had no problem with it.
Dear MIL was VERY unhappy when she returned. On a certain level I don’t blame her but I had to protect him until he was a bit better. They love each other but like so many relationships, it is complicated. My MIL is both formidable and needy.
Dear MIL still talks about it but in the end she got over it. On certain occasions it is OK to be the bad guy. I hope your husband is healing well and that you are at the point that you can take a deep breath!
Man, this is better than therapy!
What about Skyping with them so they can see that his voice does not represent his condition.
When people are sick, they need to heal; when people are interacting with others, they bring themselves UP, they use more energy for the talking and smiling and laughing and thinking, less for healing. Truly there are times when any visitor is a detriment, there are times when I have been sick when I am relieved if my DH leaves for the day 
This situation, in my mind, harkens back to birth plans & parents or in laws wanting to be in the room for the birth and the couple not wanting that; same difference, when you are the one going through the thing, you get to pick and Mom & Dad can & should express their willingness to be there, if wanted, but not force themselves.
I think we all read these posts based on our experiences, having lived nearly 40 years with interfering, critical (but only teasing) in laws who make DH crazy, I would not want them around for him to be healing as the mess with his state of mind. If you are a nice mom, then your wanting to be there means you would be welcome.
My DD had a baby, I would have enjoyed being there, if I was invited, I was not invited, nor did I ask. Her idea was to have her DH & her siblings there. I loved the idea of it being all that generation together and sharing with her siblings, no hurt feelings on my part & no hurt intended. Personally, I find that a healthy way to be, not taking offense unless i am certain it was intended.
I think the parents sound worried. They should have just come despite what you said to them (I would have) OR it should have been up to your husband to make the decision and talk to them on the phone. You are always a parent and it seems cruel to tell a parent not to visit their offspring, even if the offspring is an adult. OP you didn’t say if they were staying with you, but they could have gotten a hotel room for the night if it was going to be a burden for you.
My question is why your husband doesn’t want his parents to visit. If it’s too much for him, that’s fine - Skype or FaceTime. if it’s because he is trying to protect them from a tiring trip, I think they should come. There is no person on this earth who could get between me and my children if they were in trouble. Absolutely no one, not a wife and not a husband. We all also like to think otherwise, but being human, all mother-child relationships are complicated, so if that were the criteria, we would all be in trouble. You could talk about logistics - they don’t have to be a burden on you - perhaps a friend or relative could either host them or keep an eye on them so it doesn’t have to be you. How about the niece? You are absolutely entitled to set appropriate boundaries, but I don’t think barring the door without some sort of compromise is appropriate. One of the best things I ever did in my 30 years of marriage was to respect my husband’s relationships with other people and never put myself in the middle. This story is the kind of thing that gives me nightmares with respect to my son. I will be a respectful MIL and understand my DIL’s primary role in his life, but I really hope my son would never let me be cut out. As a parent, even in my 70s, I would hear ICU and think “is he going to die and is she going to prevent me from seeing him.”
amen to that.
I would have also had that reaction. I think the OP said they generally travel to the inlaws…so the fact that the inlaws were going to get a car and drive for a short visit speaks volumes about what they were thinking and feeling. Hopefully the H called his parents now that he is out of ICU.
Skype/facetime is a great idea!
I see this differently because I remember when my own father was in an ICU. It upset him terribly to see anyone other than my mom. As @somemom noted above, he felt the need to expend his energy to meet his mom’s emotional needs, and those of the other visitors. His relationship with his mom was complicated, yes. He didn’t want her holding his hand as he struggled with pain, and he didn’t want her to see him in such a state of vulnerability. It didn’t help him when she visited, and it’s hard to see how it helped her, either.
Any update?
I think ICU is different. Both my parents spent time there and there are restrictions built in there. My late dad came out of ICU and I was there while he was in ICU. My husband and kids came from out of state later to pick me up. My dad initially did not want his young grandsons ( 8 and 11 at the time) to see him even though he had been moved to a regular room. He just didn’t want to have them see him compromised. He relented and saw them and personally told them how much he loved them and I am so glad as he died unexpectedly a few days after we left town (we left thinking he was on the mend). The nurses were very good at getting people out of the room if something needed to be done or he needed rest. There is a primal need sometimes to see someone. It can be irrational and I can understand a parent just wanting to see their child , even if they are an adult, to just make sure they are okay. You and your husband can set boundaries but please keep his parents in your thoughts as well as you go through this. All the best for his recovery.
I think I watch too much television. Every time someone ends up in a hospital, any family member or friend within driving distance seems to show up at the hospital!
OP here. H had colorectal surgery on Wednesday, was placed in ICU Wed evening due to his blood sugar being slightly elevated- not because the surgeon thought he was in trouble. The protocol for the military hospital is that insulin drips need to be monitored; hence the ICU. H left ICU Friday morning and was placed in a regular room.
I had been calling MIL/FIL everyday giving updates. H even talked with MIL/FIL on Friday afternoon to tell them he was doing as well as can be expected. He told them for the 3rd or 4th time on Friday that he did not want them to come up, to wait until he got home.
When I heard that they were driving up, I was more concerned about them making a 10+ hour drive each way. The weather here has been rainy all week, the road conditions are not the best.
Again, I’m not trying to insert myself between H and his M. If H had his way, the last 27 years would have been fewer conversations between them as he can barely tolerate being around his M for more than a few hours. there is a reason why we live 500 miles away from his M, she is very demanding, is the only person that knows what is right, and heaven forbid if you disagree with her.
As an example, her response to H’s surgery was- you don’t really need to have that Stage 3 anal cancer removed, there has been lots of research done on T cells. You just need to find the right doctor. This is a typical response from her. Whatever diagnosis you are given, she always knows a better way to ‘treat’ it. Because she is, you know, Dr. Mom.
As far as MIL/FIL staying when they do come up, they will stay in a hotel as they won’t accept any invitation to stay in our house. Which works for us because our previously empty basement now has DS friends staying there. The problem (minor) is getting them on the military base which happens to be 25 miles from our home.
Anyway, H called his M today and talked for about 30 minutes before he got tired. They have returned the rental car and are waiting (for now) for word from H on when to come up. I think it’s a great idea about Skype, I’ll check with the hospital to see if there is a wired/wireless connection in the room and will take his laptop to him.
But if that adult offspring has clearly told them he doesn’t want them to visit right now?
We will always be parents, but when our children grow up and marry, that becomes the primary relationship IMO. If my wishes ever come into conflict with my SIL’s in a matter concerning my D, then his wishes take precedence. I hope we will always have the kind of relationship that we can negotiate and work something out that we can both live with. But I will never defy him unless I suspect he is harming her in some way. And Chuckle is not harming her husband, no matter how many unfounded fears MIL has.
So they didnt come?
no, thank goodness. They returned the rental car and told H that they would let him know when/if they change their mind. I’m looking into their capability and H’s to Skype. that really might help put their fears to rest.
Very nice of you to arrange for the skype. It is a great idea. They should respect their son’s wishes on when they should visit.
Bottom line: Parents love their kids. Spouses love each other.
ICU takes a different meaning.
My thought: You don’t get to tell anybody what’s most important.
It was important and worrying to Chuckdoodle that in-laws not take a that trip for a ton of good reasons.
But obviously more important to in-laws that it would happen.
Glad it’s settled for now.
You are not responsible for the actions of another adult even if you are related to them.
@ChuckleDoodle , a tough situation. I’m glad your H has communicated directly with his parents. That’s really the best thing.