Milburn High School Hazing -- NYTimes

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m not familiar with Millburn at all since we live in another part of the country, but most school principals, even in the private school environment, report to a board of education of some sort, either elected or appointed. IMHO, that’s where the buck starts and stops. The principal was hired by someone. If I were a parent whose child was victimized, that’s where I’d be addressing the issue in this case and I’d be making the rounds of parents to confront that board in numbers and with legal representation if necessary. </p>

<p>While I think the school board and administrators carry responsibility to provide a safe educational environment, I also believe that parents must advocate for their children’s safety so I think parenting does play a role as well. If my child were being victimized in any way, I would know something was up with her and I would be involved. </p>

<p>Most of us were probably bullied in some way growing up. I can still tell you the names of those that haunted me; one actually ran for office in our community as an adult and I’d never vote for him because of the memories I have. Because of those experiences, I taught my child from the time she was very young that you treat other people the way you want to be treated and that you don’t want to be remembered as “the mean kid”. She’s now in a sorority that I was a member of many years ago. I was never hazed or bullied in any way there and if I had been, I certainly wouldn’t have stayed and wouldn’t have allowed my D to become a member.</p>

<p>I don’t think blacklisting a particular high school from college acceptance makes any sense at all. I agree with mattmom that “the rich and mean almost always have a way out; the regular folks rarely do.” To penalize the kids at Millburn who have their heads down working hard to get where they want to be would be unconscionable. Just as I find it wrong to paint all athletic groups, fraternities, sororities, bands with the same brush by saying they condone hazing because that’s just not true.</p>

<p>Maybe it’s just me, but every workplace I have ever worked in there has been one person who I could identify as a bully or at least who had bullying tendencies. So while I would never blame a victim, I firmly believe that we have to teach our children how to deal with people like this because when they get into the real world, there will still be bullies.</p>

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<p>Magnolio, I applaud how you are teaching your D, but I beg to differ on a few points.</p>

<p>There may be bullies where you work – they aren’t tolerated where I work. There is one senior partner who bullied people, and becuase of that he now is severely limited in his use of staff. In essence, he does much of his work himself, and works by himself. And in business, people can quit (OK, maybe not so much in this economy, but most of the time). And physical violence? Where does that happen? A public school is required to provide for all. </p>

<p>The parents here do seem to be involved – the question is how much more pain will be suffered before the administration gets it. </p>

<p>The reason I question MHS grads is that the school administration is not dealing with this. We’ll see what happens at the board meeting tonight. </p>

<p>Its interesting when the Yale lab tech was arrested, the school quickly noted that they had no evidence that he stalked or annoyed his victim. Colleges have a responsibility to take reasonable steps to ensure safety. My guess is most major colleges are now on notice that a MHS transcript with no suspensions is in no way indicative of no serious behaivor problems. How can they justify asking any applicant if they have suspensions if it means nothing at MHS?</p>

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<p>So, the town and / or local law enforcement should identify and punish the offenders and hold the school administration responsible. It is not any given college’s job to police a high school, though, except for things related to the college admissions process (e.g., sending in erroneous data). Since when is it Princeton’s job to monitor the goings-on at Sweet Valley High?</p>

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<p>No reason whatsoever. These should be huge black marks on records, sufficiently huge that no college will want to take them. But your solution wasn’t that colleges should blacklist the offenders. It was that colleges should blacklist the entire high school.</p>

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<p>But your approach doesn’t punish Biffy and Buffy who are hazing. It punishes Muffy and Skip who kept their heads down, didn’t hang with Biffy and Buffy and object thoroughly to that social scene. Maybe Muffy and Skip are the outcasts who wouldn’t have even been gotten invited to be part of any hazing in the first place. They should be punished … why again? It’s not Muffy and Skip’s fault that there are jerks in their school. It’s not Muffy and Skip’s fault that their principal is a wuss who does nothing. </p>

<p>You seem to be under the impression that the entire high school needs to be punished for the misdeeds of some. A public high school is not an intentional community. My kids are in their public hs only because that’s where we chose to live; that does not make them “responsible” for the jerks, the burn-outs, the stoners, the socialites, or the dumb jocks. If they put their heads down, work hard, do their work, and are good citizens of the community, they have every right to then apply for whatever college they want to. I find the idea that they should be held accountable or responsible for other people’s actions horrendous. </p>

<p>Would you blacklist all the students from an inner-city high school that had a lot of gang-bangers? Of course not. You’d recognize that there were good, hard-working, nose to the grindstone kids there who deserved a chance, and they in no way are responsible for the fact that they happen to live in proximity to a culture of losers.
I don’t see why it’s any different here.</p>

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<p>MagnoliaMom–I think you make some really excellent points, and that the truth lies in all the posts, actually.</p>

<ol>
<li>We need to teach our kids not to tolerate bullying.</li>
<li> If we can have zero tolerance policies for so many things in our schools, bullying can certainly be one of those things…given the mandatory nature of attendance.</li>
<li>Rules can be set forth going forward–as in zero tolerance for hazing from this day forth…if you are caught with a sl… list, you are suspended and sent to sensitivity training class…etc…Don’t care how you got it. You better not pick it up off the floor.</li>
</ol>

<p>etc…</p>

<p>In the meantime, it is true we need to teach our kids what bullying is. One kids bullying is another kids teasing, and it has been proven through research that bullies just keep throwing it out until it sticks. Once they id a kid who has a “button,” they attack. Some kids just don’t bite.</p>

<p>It doesn’t at all mean a victim of bullying is responsible for that bullying. It means we need to teach our kids not to bite and to stick up for the kids around them who are becoming victims.</p>

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<p>Milburn is notorious in NJ for its very large number (although not everyone) of rich, snobby people–the girl at the end of the article who admits without guilt to shoving the freshmen girls for fun and then drives off in a late model SUV (I am sure she does a lot of off road driving) is a fine example. </p>

<p>But bullying is far from unusual at high schools all across the country. Kids who would never say anything racist have no hesitancy about cruelly, publicly and repeatedly mocking helpless kids whose only offense is to be learning disabled, unattractive or unfashionably dressed. And girls are often the worst offenders, as in Milburn. Facebook and Youtube have made this even easier, more common and crueler.</p>

<p>Many principals and teachers turn a blind eye to this nasty, disgusting behavior–and so do parents, who must sometimes overhear what is said in their homes or cars.</p>

<p>And, I am sure that most of these nasty kids across the country in affluent suburbs (including mine) are now finishing up college applications which include at least one impressive looking community service project, because their parents, GC (and, in many cases, private GC) have told them they need it to get into the “right” school.</p>

<p>But I would not support any imposition of collective guilt upon all Milburn seniors, because not all of them–and I doubt even most of them–are guilty.
And although the principal is surely at fault, given how many Milburn parents have said they knew about the hazing for years; why were teachers not looking at kids being shoved into lockers? But let’s not let the principal be the scapegoat and forget the parents (especially the senior soccer girls’ parents and the soccer coach, who surely had reson to think this would happen as in prior years).</p>

<p>And yes, Milburn is ranked by NJ Monthly as the number 1 HS in NJ. Those rankings are dominated by the most affluent towns which, not surprisingly, are filled with children of very academically and financially successful people who can afford the best tutors to yield the best average SAT scores, AP results, etc and who will push their kids elentlessly to succeed in school. None of this is the result of the high school being great–if it were, then there would be some affluent towns whose high schools were not at the top.
In truth, such schools have a much easier job than the schools who deal with kids who lack these innate abilities and financial abilities. But that is another story.</p>

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<p>Last night, at the Millburn Board of Ed meeting, one parent presented a statistic that a study showed 47% of HS students said there was hazing at their school. Which means 53% dont. Yes, the parents are responsible,as are the students. But so is the school.</p>

<p>As one board member, Debra Fox, said, if all senior girls were immediately stripped of leadership positions, they would likely cough up the names of the guilty parties. The fact is the principal wont do this, he doesnt want to see the guilty identified. He demands proof before punishment, yet does NOTHING to proactivly get that proof. Strange for a man who brought drug sniffing dogs into the school. No one is scapegoating the principal. He sits in his office, with his smile, talking about girls who wanted to be on the sl*t list. As the board said, this is disgusting, yet they take no action. They tell parents if they dont like this stuff, and they think it is illegal, call the police. </p>

<p>Big deal, the board ordered sensitivity training for him and others. Even the board has doubts if this will be sufficient. </p>

<p>I even question how accurate MHS transcripts are? They dont want to address issue of suspensions not going on record, what else is wrong.</p>

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<p>And for all those who poo-pooed me about rumors about suspensions being left off of transcripts and applications – the prinicipal admitted to not reporting suspensions in todays NY Times.</p>

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<p>I think it is SOP not to report suspensions on transcripts; the idea is that when the colleges ask about the suspensions on the app (and the question is on every application I’ve ever seen) the kids are honor-bound to say “yes, I have been suspended” and then explain it. I know that is the case at many nonpublic schools, at any rate. Of course it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow if you feel that the transgressors are getting away with bad behavior, but I am not sure the transcripts are the real issue here; rather the underlying culture is.</p>

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<p>My kid’s public school always put suspensions on the record. One great girl had two of them–and had to explain why. The college then sent her written explanations to the guidance department at the high school and asked if the version of events set forth in the explanations was accurate. </p>

<p>So, failing to report suspensions IS an issue–at least I think it is. </p>

<p>In the real world, most of the kind of conduct listed here won’t get caught. However, if the worst thing that can happen to you is you are suspended from school for a couple of days, and that fact will NOT be reported on your record, it’s not really going to make girls think twice before participating. </p>

<p>Yes, I know, they shouldn’t participate because it’s morally wrong. But there definitely is a herd mentality involved in this.</p>

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<p>Not reporting suspensions strikes me as a hypocritical compromise. The victim gets told the bully has been punished so they do not get too upset, but probably not that the suspension will not be reported; the bully gets told the suspension will not be reported, so that they do not get too upset; and the principal gets to delude himself that the bully will voluntarily report the suspension, so the school is not deceiving colleges.</p>

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<p>As a person living in a neighboring town to Millburn, I must chime in here…it’s all about money (what a surprise)</p>

<p>Short Hills/Millburn real estate values are heavily based on the success of it’s school district in college admissions (not news to anyone who has a pulse)…there is NO WAY the principal is going to report suspensions on transcripts if he/the schoolboard/ the parents/etc think it will affect college admissions…</p>

<p>Note: I do not personally believe this is morally correct, but it is a fact…</p>

<p>And there are neighboring districts who do not operate in this fashion, but they are not the ones ranked #1 by New Jersey Monthly, and they are not the ones who are OVERLY concerned about admissions results…</p>

<p>Edit: and if you think that Millburn is alone in this, try anonymously calling the Jericho, Long Island school district to find out their policy about suspensions: I would be willing to bet that they do not routinely put suspensions on their transcripts either (or there would be a lot less kids at Ivies)…</p>

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<p>If you read the Common Application, the part to be filled out by the school asks the question has the student been suspended. What part of that question is ambiguous? Mattsmom, I personnally think that question is answered honestly by most schools, we have seen many kids here trying to address that. Time for colleges to deal with Millburn lying.</p>

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<p>I stand by my opinion that this issue goes way beyond what Millburn HS administrators and students did or didn’t do. Millburn got caught and people are willing to say oh yes, this has been going on for years, and it probably has. I don’t for a moment believe the issues of hazing and “mean girls” culture are unique to Millburn HS; unfortunately, I think it is likely that in various ways fudging of transcripts and double standards of behavior can be found in schools throughout the country and across the socioeconomic spectrum–not all schools, not all kids, not all administrators, but a few, everywhere.</p>

<p>Until parents and communities and schools do a better job of teaching respect for others and underlying decency and ethics, there will be abuses.</p>

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<p>Yes, Millburn was rated #1 in NJ Monthly, and yes, it is a good school. But you may not be aware of what has been going on with the hazing, in particular this year. It’s not right, it’s hurtful, and that slut list is nothing short of disgusting. It does not just list names—it is quite graphic. My kids go to MHS. As a parent, I was not aware of the hazing with my first daughter. It’s not exactly something kids go home and tell their parents about. This year, for whatever reason, the word got out—maybe it had to do with spraypainting the word slut on someone’s driveway? Enough is enough, and the school board and administration is taking steps to stop it for good–now that it is out in the open.
It takes the combination of the school—and the parents—to keep this from happening. Not everyone in Millburn/Short Hills is affluent—or nasty, for that matter.</p>

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<p>The Star Ledger had another Milburn HS story, about 3 boys ejected from a minor league baseball game for refusing to stand for God Bless America who are now threatening to sue.
MHS must be #1 in teaching entitlement and self-importance.</p>

<p>If you go on [The</a> New York Times - Breaking News, World News & Multimedia](<a href=“http://www.nytimes.com%5DThe”>http://www.nytimes.com) and go the blog about Milburn, you will see one MHS (at least) repeatedly denying the slut list is hazing. You might wish to open her eyes a bit.</p>

<p>But this is far from unique to Milburn. When football in the similar town of Glenn Ridge sexually abused a mentally disabled girl, the school defended the boys to the bitter end, as detailed in a book about the case called either Our Boys or Our Guys.</p>

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<p>Oh joy! More conflicts of interest! Once again, those that are responsible for checks and balances have a strong incentive to turn a blind eye. </p>

<p>If it is indeed going on here, you can bet it’s going on in tons of other places too.</p>

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<p>I just don’t get it. Where I live, budget short CA, the district administration actually came to our Education Foundation to see if we could help fund the start of an anti-bullying effort, which was to begin with a survey. Also, this is the second year of Link Crew, where upperclassmen take on leadership roles to ease freshman into HS life, in all manner of ways. So yeah, blowing a whistle in a frosh’s face would not be tolerated. As for a list of the designated sluts of the year? Our principal would have found a way to clamp down on that really fast.</p>

<p>But our principal is a woman. In this case, it appears at least the new principal is a man. Could this be a case of guys liking to watch cat fights, women wrestling in the mud? I’ve seen that before. Geez, doesn’t this principal have a mother, sister, wife or daughters of his own? I wonder what THEY are thinking about his ill thought out comments.</p>

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<p>Findaplace-- my thoughts too, that men just aren’t taking this seriously. At the Board of Ed meeting last night, one of the women members was much more emphatic on solving bullying – her solution is take away all leadership positions until the seniors themselves give the names and details of the harassers.</p>

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<p>Simple solutions to simple problems. I don’t know what’s so hard about this.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Find the hazers. This is incredibly easy. In fact in this particular case, you have children who have admitted to the conduct.</p></li>
<li><p>Bring them in and get them to name names. In writing. </p></li>
<li><p>Suspend the offenders. Suspend every one of them. Have the length of the suspension determined by how honest they were when they were fingered. If you rat on the other hazers, you get less.</p></li>
<li><p>Report every suspension on the transcripts. </p></li>
<li><p>Remove every student involved in hazing from his/her sport or extracurricular activity of choice. That means the quarterback, the lead in the play, etc.</p></li>
<li><p>Instruct the guidance office to help the honest offenders with a statement of contrition in the counselor’s recommendation.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Do these six things and the hazing stops within a year, two at most.</p>

<p>When the school gets complaints from parents:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Don’t back down. Not an inch. Tell the parents the address of the local courthouse and that you’ll be happy to meet them there.</p></li>
<li><p>Offer the parents the option of a law enforcement referral so their little angels can defend themselves in court. Offer this IN ADDITION to any school discipline.</p></li>
<li><p>Be willing to accept that some of these students will not go to Princeton, but be more accepting of the reality that they don’t deserve to go to Princeton.</p></li>
<li><p>Accept that, as a school district, until you solve these problems, you don’t deserve your “ranking” and stature.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Why won’t this happen? Because our spineless educational bureaucrats think they’ll get fired if they take a stand. Because school boards in towns like this think it’s beneath their stature to “micromanage” what goes on in the schools. Because many people think that the imposition of discipline doesn’t solve problems.</p>

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<p>This school is in the limelight right now but hardly unique. </p>

<p>"The National Study of Student Hazing, by University of Maine researchers Elizabeth Allan and Mary Madden, included more than 11,000 college and university students and found that 47 per cent of them had been hazed even before they set foot on campus. Most common were drinking games, singing or chanting, associating with specific people and not others, drinking to the point of getting sick or passing out, and sleep deprivation.</p>

<p>In one-quarter of the cases, coaches or advisers were aware of the behaviour, students said, and the same proportion of hazing incidents took place on campus as in a public space.</p>

<p>Boys are more likely than girls to be hazed through sex acts with the opposite gender, endure harsh weather without appropriate clothing and attend roasts where members are humiliated, the study found. Girls are more likely to be pushed to get a tattoo or body piercing or wear embarrassing clothing.</p>

<p>Ninety-five per cent of students didn’t report their hazing to campus officials, and most of them thought their hazing had positive rather than negative results."</p>