D1 went out on her own after graduation in another state. Unfortunately she returned to the nest 5 years later after a divorce but after a year at home she went out on her own after finding another job and buying a house. We loved that she could be here to recover. D2 came home after graduation so she could live here while attending grad school at a local university. Moved out after that graduation when she got married 6 weeks later. Now she also has a house close by. Our home will always be open to them if a need arises.
I’m okay with mine living at home after she graduates as long as she’s working and pitching in with the cooking, the chores, etc. I’d rather see her pay off her loans and save. I’ll charge her a nominal amount in rent just on principle and she’ll be responsible for her own bills, but I’ll give the rent back to her when she moves out. Our parents threw us out of the nest. I don’t want to do that to mine.
I am okay with D living at home for awhile post graduation as long as home is a launching pad and not a crash pad. Both H and I lived at home for brief periods post-grad between internships, jobs, and grad school. Also, the economy and housing costs in 1987, when we graduated, were quite a bit different than they are now. When I graduated, I had a summer internship, but nothing after that. My parents paid for my interview traveling costs and I got my first real job in September. I never came back after that. I’m glad my folks did not arbitrarily kick me out of the house on May 15; it would have stunted, not enabled, my progress.
I was a straight A student and held down a full time job to pay my tuition…I can honestly say I did everything right… and still got kicked out at age 19 during my sophomore year because, well, I still have no idea why even 25 years later. I swear I don’t know why. I didn’t party, didn’t do much of anything except go to school, work, pay my own bills and tuition, do my own laundry, bought my own car, etc. I think it’s because I didn’t conform to my dad’s “girls don’t go to college; they marry well and have babies” Neanderthal BS. I lived in my car for 2 months and showered at the gym at school. My life was never the same. I was on track for a PhD by age 25. I ended up dropping out of school altogether because I couldn’t work 2 full time jobs, go to school and pay rent plus utilities and everything else. After a comprehensive nervous breakdown when I was 20, I got married at age 21 because his family actually treated me well and were encouraging and supportive. My parents are STILL proud of the fact that they were completely rotten and that I at least appreciated what I had because I had to work for it. Unbelievable. In the end, I was 28 by the time I got my bachelor’s and 35 when I finished grad school. I will never get that PhD, all because they thought it was a great idea to teach me a lesson in independence. To this day I hate them. The only reason I have any relationship with them at all is because of my children.
SoftballmomPSU, that is terrible!! I hope you have completely told them this. It sounds like they still don’t get it, because they are proud of what they did to you. I hope that you print out what you wrote EXACTLY, and give it to them. I actually don’t think I could have any relationship at all with them, but if I felt I must, I wouldn’t miss the chance to loudly tell my kids what they did to you and how it affected your life, right in front of them. Often. Maybe they can’t be shamed, but it might make you feel better. And don’t do any favors for them, ever. Tell them they’ll appreciate their independence so much more, if they take care of themselves.
I love my parents oh so very dearly, with all my heart. But I have no plans on moving back to New Jersey, or even the Northeast (with the exception of Pittsburgh), after my graduation. Would much rather remain in North Carolina (either staying in Wilmington or moving to Charlotte or Raleigh) or move to Virginia. However, seeing as I am only a rising college sophomore, I realize things may/will change. If I have to live with my parents for a year or so in order to properly get my feet on the ground, then so be it.
The obligation of parents to support their children doesn’t end at 18 when they are legally allowed to kick them out of the house out of some false pretense of “teaching independence” (IME, almost always just budget cuts at the expense of the children). Good parents should support their kids through the end of their education at least, longer if necessary (where I’m from, it was generally accepted to live with the parents up until marriage as a matter of prudence). The biggest lesson a kid can learn learned from parents who kick them out at 18 is that the family that was supposed to support them failed to do so in their time of need. I know far too many people whose goals for the future basically evaporated when their parents decided to stop supporting them at 18, who had to spend at least the next decade just struggling to stay afloat.
@SoftballmomPSU I’m so sorry this happened to you. I cannot imagine ever doing this to my kids at that age when they were working so hard.
I remember my father saying to me, as he was dropping me off at college many years ago, “Just remember, in four years the bleeding stops.” His implication was to make the most of my educational experience but realize the lifestyle with which I was raised was my parents’ lifestyle and I would be choosing my own path and in a finite amount of time. Would my parents have helped me if I needed it? Would they have let me move back in for a limited amount of time? Yes, they would have helped me out but the expectation and the value they placed on independence was made clear to me and I planned my life accordingly. It worked for me and, thankfully, with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, the philosophy also worked these past 5 years for my now grown daughters who recently “launched” their completely independent lives upon graduation.
Frankly, I think that referring to the support one gives one’s kids as “bleeding” is disgraceful. Especially talking to an 18 year old and implying it’s already perceived this way.
@SoftballmomPSU - I hope your parents will be very proud of you some day when you tell them they need to take care of themselves when are old and sick.
My kids’ dad also believes kids should and can be on their own once they are over 21. At least that’s his excuse of not being involved in their lives. He believes his job is done, and anything I do for them now is over and above.
Garland – I guess I was need to be more careful in my wording. I should have worded my first sentence better because I never took the saying to be anything disparaging when I was growing up. What I could have replaced with “bleeding” (part of a common saying from my part of the country) were the words – financial sacrifice. And it was a financial sacrifice for my parents to pay our way through college, supplying us with starter cars, paying for all our living expenses including the fun activities, business wardrobes in which to interview, apartment furniture and all the previous expenses including private band lessons, dance lessons, SAT prep classes, etc. BUT please don’t misunderstand – my parents were delighted and proud to be able to help set us up in our new lives but my siblings and I were also aware and very appreciative of the sacrifice and felt a responsibility to use those gifts wisely and with purpose and a plan so as to gain financial independence as soon as possible.
Fair enough, NETarrantMom. I guess I always hear “bleeding” in a haha-but-derogative way. It’s just not wording I’d ever use, thought I get many people don’t mean it like that.
We’ve never told our “kids” about any definitive time they are “on their own.” When S was asking us if we would give him more money when he was in college, we said, “Fine, if you make a budget and show what you have vs what you need.” He never did and we never gave him more $$.
We have continued to support D because her chronic health issues have made it impossible for her to hold a job. We have also given S significant sums to help boost his solo 401k and inventory of his independent business. We have been happy to do so and he and D are appreciative.
S would have been fine without the amounts we gifted him, but we could afford it and we’re happy to give to him and D while we can see them enjoying it instead of inheriting after we’re gone.
I’m sorry for people whose parents just cut them off arbitrarily and feel that is very unfair if the kids have been doing their part–working and/or going to school. one of our neighbor’s say they cut their kids off at 18–none of their kids have gone on to college, tho both parents have college degrees. They gifted the wife’s share of an $500k inheritance to one S, so he could buy a house for himself and his W and kids. The other two sons live with them. One is disabled and the other S helps with him and will receive all assets to care for brother and himself. The able S enlisted and hated it, wanting to go AWOL (convinced parents to discourage that). He is now working at 7/11 as “part timer.” The two Ss living at home are both single and will likely remain single.
As long as my kid is moving towards something, working hard and doing all that could be expected of her, I’ll help support her if I can. If she’s sitting on the couch playing video games and eating bonbons, not so much.
Happykid got the house when we moved halfway across the country for Happydad’s job. Unless she has moved on to grad school in a different city by then, there is every chance that Happydad and I will be the ones “moving back in” in a year or two. Fortunately she’s pretty cheerful about all of this.
Due to the sky high housing costs, DD would have to live at home if she ever got a job in the SF Bay Area. Instead, she is sharing an apartment in the reasonably priced Midwest and is teaching herself how to cook and live on her own. We are older parents and she is an only child without much in the way of extended family, so I think for her future well-being it is very important that she be independent. It makes me sad and sometimes worried that she is so far away (like when her Lyft got in an accident on Saturday!!!), but also happy that she FaceTimes/calls/texts so frequently, even when it is about cooking shrimp or trimming asparagus.
I don’t understand why there are parents that are so hellbent on having their kids move out right after college. It just seems so… lonely. When I’m old and crippled my kid better be there changing my diapers.
In my family people only move out of their parents’ house if it’s the most economically viable option and even then their parents eventually move in order to help with childcare.
I grew up living with my grandmother and aunt and I liked that system. multi-generational households are nice.
I plan on moving out right after college only because I don’t really like my town and it’d be hard to find work in the field I’d like to enter but (fortunately) my parents wouldn’t begrudge me if I wanted to stay as long as I worked and helped out financially.
My DH and I are empty nesters. Our older D is in grad school many states away. D2 just graduated from a school 5 hours away and will soon enter grad school for four years a couple of hours away. We aren’t lonely at all. We have a vibrant social life and still see family often…we just don’t live in the same house as family.
Even if I was okay with that, I would not do that to my kids. We have prepared for our retirement and possible elder care. My kids better visit me, but they won’t have to be my unpaid nurse.
^ I completely agree, nrdsb4. I never feel lonely and bored as an empty nester - it’s a new stage of life for me. I also do not expect my kids to take care of me when I am old ( though I threaten S that he will support me if he keeps wanting to spend money like he does:) ).
It may be a cultural thing.