<p>This isn’t really a parent-specific question, but I couldn’t figure out where else to post it. I have been abroad for a little over a month now – that’s almost a third into my program – and I still hate it here. I find positive aspects in it, and I try to enjoy those, but I am constantly overwhelmed by homesickness. I hate my host university, including the way classes are taught, the grading system, and I don’t exactly love the other students. I miss my own university that I put so much work into choosing and making a place for myself in. I miss my long-term partner, and being abroad in combination with some previous problems is causing a huge rift in our relationship. I know it’s too late to go home, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s some way to get out of this. I cry every day. It doesn’t help that I’ve been sick constantly since getting here, but once I get better, I’ll just have to face the work I haven’t been able to do while sick. Does anyone have any advice?</p>
<p>The harsh version: you’re in culture shock. Everyone goes through it. If you didn’t experience it, that would be a sign that you weren’t really getting much out of your study abroad programme. It will get better. And the LDR thing is going to be tough, unfortunately.</p>
<p>I haven’t enjoyed it since I got here… I thought culture shock was either supposed to go away after a few weeks, or not start until a while in?</p>
<p>Nah culture shock is different for anyone. In general it goes through three phases - the honeymoon phase, the everything sucks phase, and then acceptance (which takes years).</p>
<p>Remember the reasons that you went abroad. Would it be necessary to go abroad if the skills you were hoping to gain were easy? For what it’s worth, I’ve moved countries four or five times for years at a time, and I’ve had culture shock every single time.</p>
<p>I never had the honeymoon phase…do you think I will be in the everything sucks phase for the entire time I’m here, if it’s only a few months?</p>
<p>Do you use skype to keep in touch with home? It can make a big difference.
Where are you? Maybe someone can give you tips if they’ve been there.</p>
<p>I am a cross-cultural trainer, so hopefully I can give you a little useful advice… Yes, it is normal to go through culture shock and it is different for everyone. But, you have some control over how deep your trough will be and how long this phase will last. You have two choices. You can either keep going along as you have been or you can consciously decide to change your mindset. What were your goals for going abroad? What else can you do to work toward those goals? .Put the energy you’ve been using to dwell on homesickness into something positive. </p>
<p>Are you being open and patient with your new culture or are you spending time and energy on comparing it to home? I have found that the AFS mantra, “It’s not right, it’s not wrong, it’s just different” can help tremendously. Whenever you find yourself getting frustrated with the way classes are taught or how grades are done or something else about how they do things there, recite that mantra to yourself instead. You don’t have to like how they do things, but it’s not helpful to spend energy hating it. Why do they do things so differently? How might they view your university in the US? </p>
<p>I hope you’ll make the most of the opportunity you gave yourself. Living abroad is challenging, but a positive attitude is key. Work toward some new, achievable goals and those few months will fly by. </p>
<p>The biggest thing you have to do is remember why you went abroad in the first place. If you are like most others, you wanted new experiences. With those new experiences comes challenges. You are seeing them in the way your new university conducts its academic business. This is a good learning experience because that is what life will throw at you. But since you were homesick from the day you left, I do believe it colors everything else. You aren’t allowing yourself to get into the spirit of the experience. I suspect your relationship has a lot to do with that especially since you had problems before you left.</p>
<p>So what do you do. In 12 step programs, one of the big mantras is “one day at a time”. Every day when you wake up you need to say to yourself what do I need to do today to get the best day possible. You have to accept that the only thing you can change is your approach. Put a smile on your face and put your best foot forward. You know the end of this is in sight.</p>
<p>I’m in Belgium, and definitely use Skype </p>
<p>My daughter is in Denmark for her masters, and even though she studied abroad twice before, she is experiencing culture shock. The program she was accepted in is her dream come true, but living in the country isn’t the panacea she thought it would be. She’s been there 7 weeks now, and she’s starting to come out of it, but I can tell sometimes she is just putting on a brave face.</p>
<p>There are several stages you go through as you adjust to a new culture. First, we expect other people to behave like we do, but they don’t. We react with anger, worry, etc. We become aware of these reactions and realize it is our own behavior that causes this. We are then motivated to learn about the local culture and begin to expect the local people to behave like themselves.</p>
<p>Good luck pasta learner!</p>
<p>My daughter was in France this summer and experience the same thing. I thought she would love it but she said she won’t come back to Paris. Maybe other part of France but I would not have guess that’s the outcome. May in years from now she will look back her experience with some appreciation. I’m glad she only spent 4 weeks instead of a semester. Your experience is not out of the realm of what others experience. </p>
<p>My older daughter was in Sydney (English speaking, and Australians believe they are Californians). My D hated the place for the first 2 months. It was a big cultural shock for her believe it or not. She also had a boyfriend at home whom she missed quite a bit. The girls in her dorm wouldn’t have anything to do with her (and her best friend there) because they were considered as outsiders.</p>
<p>It got down to me asking her what would make her feel better. She said she hated the fact that she couldn’t use the school’s internet as much as she wanted - to stream music, movies, skype, etc. So I paid for an external stick from a local internet provider for her to do streaming. She started to make friends outside of her dorm (boy’s dorm). I also told her to take it one day at a time. Gradually I started getting fewer calls and more activity pictures. </p>
<p>My kid ended up having the best time. She made life long friends from Australia. Five years later, they still look her up whenever they are in the States. She ended up breaking up with her BF at home. She had a fun fling while she was abroad.</p>
<p>I am not saying you will end up having the time of your life, but remember this is just for few months, you may not have the opportunity to go back there again. When you get lonely, go out for a walk, sit at a cafe. Better yet, invite someone to go with you. Watch an American movie online when you miss home too much. </p>
<p>One day at a time.</p>
<p>I had a kid who didn’t really enjoy her semester abroad for reasons that I think were valid. She gutted it out… nothing else to be said for it. Her boyfriend’s parents gave him a plane ticket to visit her as a birthday gift, which did help. Sounds like you are just on a one semester program. Just make sure you pass all your classes so credit gets back to your university. Try to get out and see the city and area you are in if possible, too. </p>
<p>You could always contact your home university and ask if you could withdraw for the semester. It’s too late for you to go back to the home institution for fall 2014, so you’d be a semester behind. But that would be a very draconian solution, with its own drawbacks. Try to make it work where you are.</p>
<p>One semester will go by very quickly. You are already 1/3rd done. Homesickness is a very real affliction, but keeping busy is the best cure for it. It’s also important to have realistic expectations about the study-abroad experience. Many students struggle with loneliness, different academic expectations, culture shock, logistical problems, and the awareness that life in another country is not like a movie. So often, students are told, “Oh, you’ll love it! It’s be the greatest thing ever!” Well, probably not, and certainly not all the time. Give yourself permission to feel disappointed, and focus on your work and your personal goals. The next couple of months will go by sooner that you think. I bet you will not regret doing it in the long run.</p>
<p>When you feel disconnected, for whatever reason, it helps to find connections where you are- and I do mean even very little things you put into your daily repertoire. Go to the same place for coffee, walk the same route often. It’s about making something familiar. This sort of thing works on the subconscious. We do it at home-- we repeat a routine or we retreat to a familiar place- and don’t realize it. </p>
<p>My girl was in a 2nd world country- very little English and no ability in the native language (a place few English speakers go to, in comparison to Europe.) Little public transpo (what existed was unscheduled,) no amenities. No tourist draws where she was (or even in the major cities.) To be honest, the only familiar thing, for months, was Twix bars. That was culture shock. </p>
<p>What no-one tells you is - study abroad is hard. Very many students have an extremely idealised view of what it will be like - just like being on vacation every day. The problem is, visiting somewhere and living in a different culture are two completely different things. You have to accept that there are some aspects of your host country you will love, and also some you will hate. Sometimes the two categories will swap over! You will also have good days and bad days, just like you do at home. You need to try your best to stop comparing everything or you end up in an endless of cycle of of “This is different from home, therefore I hate it” at every moment of every day. I know it is difficult. Try to view each difference as a new experience.</p>
<p>Though being apart doesn’t help, your study abroad program is not responsible for your relationship problems. I think it would be helpful to separate the two things in your mind. Otherwise you will never be able to enjoy Belgium.</p>
<p>Is there anyone else from your school on the program? Or also studying abroad in a nearby country? Could you visit them? On the flip side visiting could be the problem. I have met study abroad students who have just chosen the cheapest program (which they have no interest in) because they intend to spend all their time traveling and visiting friends in other countries. The problem is they then never settle in their host country and don’t make friends. </p>
<p>Your issues with classes and how they are taught are classic study abroad student problems. It surprises me how common it is that programs provide little or no information about classes and grading before leaving home. Or even if they do, students are so excited to go abroad they don’t check this information at all. You can work on this right now. If you are with an organised program you should have an advisor who can help you. Go to them and explain your problems. They will have come across them all before I am sure. They can help you get the most out of the classes remaining, and you will feel a lot better for having taken some action to solve your problems. Secondly, try and find yourself a tutor. Is there someone else on your program who will help you? or a fellow student in your classes? Reach out to them. Most people would be flattered to be asked and hopefully you can make a new friend or two.</p>
<p>What do you really miss? Ask your mom to send you a care package? Google “American stores in Belgium” and go and purchase some comfort food? Share it with your class maybe. </p>
<p>Can you speak French or Flemish? Language may be a large barrier to making friends, even if classes are taught in English, because people don’t speak English socially. Can you attend a conversation group or something similar to help improve your language skills? Where I live (in England) there is a French bakery which has one night a week conversation cafe, where English speakers who are learning French go to speak to French speakers who are learning English. Something like this might happen at your university.</p>
<p>Need to speak to someone in your own language? London is less than 2.5 hours from Brussels by train (it’s rainy, dark and miserable here too right now). You could go tonight (take passport). It’s an every day journey. You might feel more at home (or maybe not. It’s hard to say. You can at least visit ASDA - which is a supermarket and part of Walmart - and buy whatever American junk food you want. There may very well be similar stores in Belgium). Or try Ireland. It is very friendly. A 1.5 hour flight away.</p>
<p>Gloomy and grey all the time? It’s autumn in northern Europe. That’s what it is like. Try not to let the weather dictate your mood (I don’t know where you are from, but if from sunny climes I know this can be extremely difficult). Soon everywhere will have the Christmas lights up and look a lot more cheerful (but before that you will have to suffer the end of day light savings time. Good bye daylight).</p>
<p>Try to get outdoors, even if the weather is bad. I suggest visiting the beach for a day trip. You are never far away in Belgium. Even if it is wild and windy the beach will be refreshing.</p>
<p>Finally, remember this is your choice to have this experience. Many other students would be insanely jealous. Ok, so it’s not much fun every day. Try to see each day as a new experience, whether bad or good. You could choose to go home. No-one is actually stopping you. Don’t feel forced to stay. Recognise it is a choice and you are choosing to learn from it. As mentioned above, your feelings and experiences are actually very very common among study abroad students. There is nothing wrong with you and you are entitled to have these feelings. </p>
<p>I wish you the best of luck with your program.</p>
<p>I think you are giving great advice, lookingforward. A routine where you go to the same places every day will create some familiarity and will definitely make things feel better. I did a year abroad in an English speaking country (so a lot easier), but I ate lunch at the same place a LOT - - and it really helped. And, coincidentally I actually did eat a Twix bar every day for like a whole year because those reminded me of home.</p>
<p>OP, are you near Brussels? My very good friend is British, and she lives in the area of Belgium. She has spent many years in the U.S. I’m sure I could connect you if you just need some logistical help and a feeling of adult English speaking support in the area. She’s truly amazing, and I’m sure she would be willing to help a student as she has one of her own in the UK. I could get you connected through Facebook and make an introduction. </p>
<p>There are some really beautiful areas of Belgium to explore . . . and it is easy to get to London and Amsterdam which have plenty of English speakers and might feel more comfortable. </p>
<p>“2nd world country”</p>
<p>Communist?</p>
<p>It’s difficult to be in a new place and be sick. I recall that when I moved to England when I was in 8th grade, I developed a cold on the Queen Mary going over which I then had for <em>months</em>. Then less than two months later my beloved grandmother–the onlyliving grandparent I ever had–died suddenly. I had also been placed in a dorm with girls a year or more older than me, while everyone in my class was in a different room. It was a roughish start. Nevertheless, I have to say I loved going to school there–especially after they moved me to the same room with everyone else in my class!–and I was never seriously homesick, even though this was my first boarding experience.</p>
<p>I’ve lived in several other countries, and still never felt homesick or alienated. I just find things interesting. I never expect or want things to be the same as they are at home. That’s why one travels, after all–or at least, that’s why <em>I</em> travel. There are those who only want to have carefully managed exposure to other cultures, even when abroad. They go on cruises, take tours, stay at resorts and luxury hotels that insulate one from the locals and how they live. </p>
<p>For that reason, I find it hard to know how to advise you. Don’t you find things about Belgium interesting? Have you visited art museums, historic sites, other countries and cities? You are within easy reach by public transport of Paris and Amsterdam. Belgium is famous for its chocolate: why not do some research and visit different chocolatiers and sample their wares? Chocolate is good for the mood! 
Maybe you can find someone else to go with you. I’d explore Belgian food and find things you love, rather than going to McDonalds and looking for American junk food!</p>
<p>The difference in the way classes are taught is something you are going to just have to live through. Most European education is heavily exam-oriented, lots of lectures. You may not find it inspiring, but if you approach it and your life there the right way you will come away with insight into other ways of thinking and other cultures that will serve you in good stead for the rest of your life.</p>
<p>Your LDR problems may be at the root of all of this. I think that all you can do is ask yourself whether you want to basically throw away this opportunity by allowing it to dominate your mood and constrict your experiences, and act accordingly. </p>