Are the parents at fault? Should the gifts be returned?
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-apologize-for-daughters-absence-at-her-graduation-party/2016/05/26/6cdbb43e-192d-11e6-924d-838753295f9a_story.html
Oh good god. “She will not send thank you notes, so I will have to do that”?? Give me a break. I guess we know who runs that household.
I would bet good money that this girl has social anxiety issues. The parents did her no favor by planning a party.
Why on earth would you throw a party for someone that hates parties? While I agree that the daughter was extremely rude and was unacceptable, I put more blame on the parents. They shouldn’t have thrown the party for their D that they know hates parties (not to mention allowing her to get away with everything).
“She said she would be okay with it, and we told her she could just come for a bit to say hi and thank her guests.”
I have issue with just dropping by just to say hi to the guests. If the party is in honor of you then I would think it is her duty to attend graciously and make the guests feel welcomed and thank them for taking the time to celebrate an important milestone in her life. If she didn’t want a party she should have conveyed a flat out no when they were planning it when her mother asked one week before.
There should have been consensus between parents and daughter about the party before invitations were sent out.
I saw that. I had the impression parents wanted the party and D agreed half heartedly. Parents should have let it go. D, having said yes, though, had to go through with it. Poor kid. She will have to learn how to stand up to her folks.
And as Miss Manners even points out, cancelling the party a week in advance as they offered to do isn’t exactly polite either.
They never should have planned the party in the first place. I mean, they said all along that she’d only have to stay for a few minutes. Isn’t it already kind of awkward for the alleged guest of honor to only be at a party for a few minutes?
If this party was in fact close friends and family, many people probably would have given gifts whether there was a party or not. So I’m not sure the gifts should be returned. The girl should write thank you notes. And the parents shouldn’t throw her parties in the future because clearly she doesn’t like them.
LOL, missing the party and refusing to send thank you notes is hardly the problem here…just another self-entitled brat with parents who don’t have a clue…seems the news is full of them lately. Probably be the same kid demanding her “safe space” at college.
I don’t think the mom should be the one writing thank you notes. The daughter should with an apology for not being present. Both parents and daughter are at fault here. There is a lesson for the parents and daughter here. It appears it was a small get together with close family and friends so her absence would have been really odd.
Maybe next time she actually wants to have a celebration (college graduation or wedding) no one will show up remembering her absence at her own high school graduation party.
I agree. I would guess she was got more or less steamrolled into the party (despite how the parent tells it in her letter to Miss Manners), then felt panicky that day & unable to show up. Now everyone is assuming she is “rude” when she may be terrified.
I disagree with NEPats. The daughter did say no to the party and the parents seemed to keep pushing.
I am not saying the D is blameless, but I don’t think she is a “self-entitled brat.” Rather, it seems like the parents were having the party whether she wanted it or not. It really seems like the party was more for and by the parents. I mean really, who says things like “we told her she could just come for a bit to say hi and thank her guests” when the party is for the D.
I don’t think the party was for the parents since they did offer to cancel the party one week before.
Even so I think not showing up at all knowing it was planned is extreme. It didn’t appear to be a very big party however I presume enough notice was given to the guests if the grandparents were flying in.
I disagree. When you tell your D that she can just drop by and say hi to people at her own party then the party is not for her.
Really, what else do you need to know?
I agree with another poster here that the D likely has social anxiety or other issues and that there is much more to this story.
I think airing out your family conflicts for the whole world to read is tacky in itself. But I’m a very private person. We know nothing about this family so I’m unable to form a well thought out opinion. It seems like this family clashes a lot. I do cringe now when I think of my high school graduation.
My aunts came and they gave me wonderful gifts. I said thank you in person but didn’t send thank you cards. Social nuances are completely lost on me and I need people to help me sometimes. Also my family is super casual so that was confusing for me since I didn’t know if they expected a formal thank you or not. But I’ve send thank you cards for my college graduation this time around!
My opinion…this should have been a NO GIFTS event.
If oarents wanted to celebrate…they could have had an empty nest party after the student left…and invited their friends only.
It sounds like a mental health issue, not a manners issue.
The kid agreed reluctantly to the party even though she knew it would be difficult for her. On the day of the event, she panicked and did not show up. It may be social anxiety; it may be something else (such as physical symptoms from a stress-related disorder – note that the daughter said she didn’t feel well; this may have been the truth).
Treating the situation as a manners issue kind of misses the point.
The problem started 18 years before the party, when the parents abdicated their responsibility to teach their child to be courteous. But I imagine they themselves are socially clueless, since they insisted on a party when their child is an introvert or socially anxious. Neither party gets a pass. The parents should insist that the daughter write an apology (something she can do in the privacy of her room) to every guest, and they should write one to her, for not raising her properly and for insisting on a party for someone who hates them.
I agree in part, @Marian, but there is also a manners issue, too. The kid should not have been rude to anyone, even if she did have to flee the party because of her issue.