You get gifts when you graduate from high school? I was robbed!!!
The parents are bulldozers, imo. It doesn’t matter what the kid said-they were having the party and expected the kid to do the dog and pony show they wanted.
I think @massmom articulated better what I was trying to say…note to self: no posting before the second cup of coffee lol.
Social anxiety is not an excuse for not writing thank you letters to those that attended and brought gifts. That is just bad manners. Even if anxiety is the reason for not showing up showing no interest nor caring for the gifts received shows disregard for others. She doesn’t deserve them. The mother should explain to her how poorly this reflects on her. If she doesn’t write sincere letters of appreciation then the mother has no choice but to do it but the daughter needs to be held accountable for her actions. If she was ill why did she leave the home? She could have stayed in her room. I would take away some of her privileges till the letters are written for example take away her phone. I’m sure at least one friend will have a grad party. It is not abnormal to have one. She should be thankful her parents thought to celebrate her milestone. There are parents who don’t even acknowledge their kids birthdays. Her reaction is not normal. She has issues that need to be dealt with.
It’s not abnormal not to have a graduation party either, so there’s no reason to insist on one if the graduate doesn’t want it.
Not everyone celebrates milestones with a party. I had a very small high school graduation party and none for either of my college degrees, none for my engagement, no bridal shower, and so on. I hate parties. I sympathize with the woman in the OP. The difference between us is that my parents respect that and don’t plan parties on my behalf.
Even the mom makes it clear that her D did NOT want a party.
Not being thankful for something you never wanted in the first place doesn’t make you ungrateful IMO.
Furthermore, anxiety is a real illness. It’s not like the flu where you are too ill to move but it is still something that should be acknowledge and respected. I have left my house before when there are large groups of people because, being an introvert, lots of people sap my energy.
This does not excuse her from being rude to her grandparents.
A friend of ours gave a birthday party for her son who refused to attend. He had a lot of social anxiety and probably some form of autism as well. He’d been okay with previous parties, and he usually was okay with small groups, so I understand how his parents could have misjudged this one, but it was pretty weird for those who attended. She’d hired a cartoonist to do a demonstration (her son was into cartoons at the time). I think I’d want to hear more from both sides before passing judgment here.
Then mother has the choice of insisting On thank you notes OR returning the gifts.
raclut - I agree that the guests should be thanked. They showed up to celebrate, brought generous gifts, etc.
Whether the gifts should be returned or who should do the thanking depends on what the actual parent/child interaction was here, which we do not have the full story on.
I just think writing it off as bad manners/entitlement on the part of the daughter is doing her a big disservice. A lot of people who have never experienced anxiety issues see sufferers as rude, stand-offish or cold &, when really they are terrified & unable to speak up about it. If this is the case, I sure hope her parents recognize it & get her some help AND get on her side.
Where did she go? I could understand if she was upstairs in her bedroom. But she left the house.
Wondering if this ever happened before this graduation party.
So when someone gets you a gift that you don’t like you are not obligated to say thank you?
Not in my world.
As always, Miss Manners is 150% correct in her reply.
This kid should never have had a party thrown in her honor but she agreed to it, however reluctantly. She is extremely rude to have refused to be present to acknowledge the people who took time out of their lives to attend the celebration and to spend money and time choosing a gift for her. There is no social anxiety that justifies her doing anything less than issuing a written apology to everyone she snubbed as well as thanking them for their thoughtfulness in giving her a gift. This kid is not mature enough to be going away to college.
Her parents should refrain from ever putting on a celebration in her honor again, unless she asks them to.
Agree that the student is not ready for college with this level of social anxiety. She needs counseling, and probably so do her parents. This family has some seriously unhealthy relationship issues.
Social anxiety can be disabling, and it appears that is the case here. Get this girl some help. Her parents don’t pay enough attention to her condition to know what level of stress she can manage, and they haven’t given her the right help to learn how to manage everyday levels of stress. Deal with it now, the sooner the better.
And yes, she should write thank you letters and apologize. I recommend her mother help her draft the letters, and apologize profusely and sincerely to her for putting her in this situation.
I wonder the story is real.
Darn! I reached the monthly limit of free WaPo articles. 
The original article made no mention of anxiety. It is an assumption being made in this conversation. Given the information presented in the article I am responding as if the graduate didn’t have these issues since that was not presented. She could have been an introvert. All I am saying is that throughout life we will find ourselves in uncomfortable situations personally or professionally. Running away doesn’t solve the issues at hand. Sometimes we have to face these situations head on. I’m not being insensitive to someone with anxiety as I have experienced some very stressful situations in my life. There are ways to cope with it if you seek professional help. If she is graduating high school she will have to transition to college which will be a completely new setting with new people. How will she cope with that? It is quite common to celebrate milestones. Each family handles it differently some not celebrating at all but there will be a time when she will partake in some celebration. (wedding, child’s birthday, relatives celebration)
If someone throws a surprise party for me that I knew nothing about beforehand and I receive presents wouldn’t it be odd if I don’t at least say thank you and acknowledge the gifts? Can I say I have anxiety so I can’t say thank you? Would it be appropriate for me to just walk out of the party? Sometimes we do things not because we enjoy it but because it gives happiness to others. The parents worked hard to raise a child do they not have a right to celebrate even on a small scale with just family and close friends. Kids can expect everything from parents but parents can’t expect anything from the kids? (mutual understanding) Whatever happened to compassion for others or are we in a world now where it is only about me?
GMTplus7 – you could always delete your browser history and cookies, which will restart the counter.
( I admit to doing this to get around the limits, but ONLY because they won’t let me subscribe to the digital edition without auto renew. I may rot in hell, but the WP subscription people will be right there next to me for charging all those folks who forgot they have a subscription, month after month.)
Being an adult means having the maturity to take care of business-- including unwelcomed social obigations.
I do this almost daily for just this reason.
You can also try using a different browser. I have three.
@nottelling, I’m looking forward to meeting you in the afterlife.
The letter didn’t mention anxiety, because the letter was written by her mother, who does not recognize the extent of the anxiety. And yes, that’s an extrapolation on my part, but it’s the one that makes sense of this mess for me.
The kid left the house. She didn’t just retreat upstairs. Where did she go? How did she get there? Family car?
Some very missing pieces in this story.
You could just as easily say “Being an adult means having the maturity to eat what you’re served – including food you don’t welcome,” but people with diabetes, food allergies, or certain other physical illnesses can’t necessarily do it.
Similarly, people with social anxiety or certain other mental illnesses may not be able to cope with unwelcome social activities.