Miss Manners view on a high school student missing her own graduation party.

Parent Cafe
41

In light of the the mother’s own admission in the miss manners posting, she bears the lion’s share of the fault.

She by her own admission knew her D hated parties and yet, went ahead making plans for her graduating party while structuring the notification to her D on an opt-out basis when if she really took her D’s preferences into account…it should have been structured differently.

Would it have been too much for the mother/parents to allow the D the option to “opt-in” by asking if she wanted the party? And if she said no as is her usual preference…the issue could have ended then and there with no further complications. The opt-in versus opt-out is also IMO…actually respects the agency and places the decision making fully on the D rather than the opt-out when she could be effectively steamrollered by her overeager parents.

By making the notification to her D and the party opt-out as she did, the mother effectively created the conditions which nearly guaranteed this social fiasco was going to result.

While I also agree the D was rude for not coming or writing thank you notes, she wasn’t the main instigator of this mess…her mother/parents were.

For this reason, while her mother can use her parental cudgel to compel her to write apologies…using that cudgel does seem a bit hypocritical considering it was the mother/parents who engineered the very conditions which brought about the entire mess. And being the older parties…the onus/responsibility is overwhelmingly on them for this…not so much on the D.

42

To me the most telling phrase was the mom saying her daughter won’t write thank you notes. WTH? There is no reason to not write a note. That this mother states that fact is very odd.

I do agree it is possible the D has anxiety of some sort and the mom steamrolled this party. IMHO both parties have some blame. Even if D has anxiety, can’t she talk to the grandparents the day after the party etc?

43

The possible explanations for the kid’s behavior lie on a continuum – at one end is the possibility that she is a spoiled brat who seeks to give her parents and all other loving adults in her life the middle finger.

At the other end of the continuum is the possibility that she is a kind girl who suffers from severe anxiety, complete with crippling panic attacks, and that she’s developed a phobic response toward anything to do with the party, partly out of shame for her own behavior, and that even the thought of the gifts (and thank you notes for the gifts) threatens to send her over the edge.

Most likely, her condition is somewhere in the middle, but based on the limited information provided, it is hard to guess where on the continuum she may lie.

I’m guessing she is pretty far over on the anxiety side of the scale. The spoiled brat would have taken the cash.

44

My opinion…

There is not enough information to go on. Nowhere in the mother’s post did she say that her daughter had social anxiety. That was suggested by a CC member. It is plausible, of course, but we don’t know that to be the case at all. The mother simply states that her daughter doesn’t like parties and didn’t really want a graduation party and reluctantly obliged. This could be a case where the kid didn’t want a big deal made over graduation or thought the party wasn’t cool, or friends were not having these, or doesn’t like to be center of attention, or any number of reasons, in addition to some social anxiety in such situations. One could say that the parents should not have held the party since their daughter didn’t really want it. But I don’t see it as terribly wrong that they had the party since it was rather a small gathering of relatives (some may have been from out of town attending the graduation) and some close friends. They wanted to mark this milestone and were not solely doing so for their daughter since she didn’t even want it. But I don’t see it as far fetched that they still had a gathering.

Then, unless this teen has severe social anxiety, I think it is reasonable she should have to attend the family gathering. Sometimes people, especially minors, have to do things they don’t really want to do, just to appease their parents. Does this daughter attend Thanksgiving family gatherings, holiday gatherings her family may host and so on? Was it just that she was against a party for this occasion or anything that centered on herself? If she has a severe social anxiety, I would think the parent may have included that in the post, but who knows. If it is indeed that severe that she could not hang out at home during this gathering, I wonder how she handled the graduation event itself or will handle college situations? In any case, there is not enough to go on as to why she didn’t want the party except that she “hates” parties.

Meanwhile, I do think the situation was awkward for the parents. And I think what is really not OK is that the daughter did not acknowledge her own grandparents for coming for this occasion. Unless she has some severe mental illness issue, this would not be acceptable in my book.

In terms of thank you notes, I don’t understand the mother saying the daughter won’t write them. That is not acceptable, regardless of her attending or not attending the party. When gifts are received, thank you notes are to be expected. My kids had to write them. There is not a choice with this. I think she should have to write them or else some consequence is necessary…this might be returning gifts if not willing to thank people, or loss of privileges or some such. The gift and thank you notes is separate (in my view) from whether they held a party or not or whether she attended or not. It would be a long held expectation. I think the daughter should apologize to her grandparents too as in my opinion, her snub of their visit is not OK and not even that related to the party itself.

Again, not enough information, but I would not assume a severe social anxiety without any information provided, though it is a possibility, but just one of many.

45

The child doesn’t want to write a thank you note because she is embarrassed. She doesn’t know how to apologize for not being there, but accepting the gift anyway. If she wants to keep the presents she obviously has to thank the givers. But I think she ask her mother to send her apologies and send back the gifts for her.

46

If Mathmom is right – and she probably is – then a kind mom would help the kid to write – or would actually write – a sample thank you note for the kid to copy, saying that she (the kid) was sorry that she was too sick to attend the party but is extremely grateful for all the love and support and for the gift.

If extreme anxiety or phobia were the issue, the mom could actually type up a generic note, print out a dozen copies, and sit with the kid as she signed them.

It goes without saying that therapy seems in order.

47

Did the grandparents just attended the party then left the family? Did they stay overnight at the family’s home? If they stay at a hotel then did the family and the grand parents meet again for breakfast or lunch or to say good bye? Did the mother make the effort to let the girl meet and say thank you to the grandparents after the guests left the party? Did the girl know the grandparents very well?
Something is missing.

48

Again I ask…the kid was too sick to attend a party but was OK enough to actually leave her house? This makes no sense.

Where did she go? How did she get there? And if she was sick…why didn’t she hole up at home?

The story has holes in it…but it makes a good Miss Manners column.

49

@GMTplus7 wrote

True, but this “unwelcome social obligation” was supposed to be to celebrate her! I get (and have attended) many social events for other people where I was less than thrilled to be there, but it was the appropriate thing to do.

However, this was the kid’s day, and the parents took away her choice in how she wanted to celebrate that achievement. They took the achievement (graduating) and turned it into a punishment for her because they were insensitive to her needs.

@Massmomm really nailed it, and I agree.

My husband is an introvert, and doesn’t like to be the center of attention. He does, however, like to socialize occasionally. So one year for his 45th birthday we invited about 40 people over for his birthday-and we didn’t tell anyone the entire day that it was his birthday! It was a great day-everyone hanging out, enjoying a barbecue, chilling in the backyard, and my husband enjoyed that there was no particular focus on him, and he’d get to enjoy his friends without the pressure of presents, cake, etc. So it was his very merry unbirthday birthday! If there had a been a cake, 40 people singing at him, etc, he would have been stressed out and not enjoyed it.

50

"The kid left the house. She didn’t just retreat upstairs. Where did she go? How did she get there? Family car?

Some very missing pieces in this story"

Exactly. I even wonder if this story is true, or how much of it. There is nothing from the daughter’s side. There could be a whole lot more to this story. It kind of begs the question of discussing something with so many assumptions and not enough information.

Could have left out something like an attending family member had molested her, and the parents ignored it. There are many reasons that she could have acted this way (if the parent’s version is even true). There is obviously something significant that is being left out of this story.

51

As long time CCers know, Son has Aspergers. I remember posting years ago how thrilled he was to have been invited to three HS graduation parties the year of his own graduation. Even though he was pleased to have been asked, by the third one (as only a guest, mind you) he was very partied out, barely stayed any time at all and was miserable when he was there.

Knowing our son, there is no way I would have planned a grad party for him. But we have one acquaintance and one relative who have sons with more serious issues than our son and both sets of parents are tone deaf. Even after 20+ years of raising their kids, their lives are filled with spectacular catastrophes. Sink or swim does not work for kids who will sink…yet some parents just refuse to get it.

I’m not saying the girl in the Miss Manner column is on the autism spectrum or has any other type of issues. It’s just that I recognize the letter of a clueless mother.

52

You guys do know that these columns are very heavily edited versions of what the letter writers send in? To sit here and pick apart what the editors of that column chose to include and exclude would be a waste. I can guarantee you that the only people who know what actually happened are those parents and that child. And it likely may have been no where near what was presented in this column.

53

For those of you who’ve reached your limit on Miss Manners’ column, try this link. There is no limit on reading.
http://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners

54

I confess that my reaction to this is colored by prior threads on CC in which a student didn’t want to attend college graduation or similar events because they “didn’t like ceremonies” or thought it would be “boring,” even though their parents wanted them to attend. If my kid did this–and it was just because she “didn’t like parties”–the consequences would be much more than just returning the gifts. On the other hand, if it’s because of social anxiety or some other health problem, the parents created the situation.