<p>I just need to vent. DS(20 year old, rising senior) is in Japan for a summer internship and though he agreed to at least email once a week, I haven’t heard from him for nearly two weeks. I know he’s most like off enjoying himself and working hard but I haven’t been able to shake the worry the past few days. His school year had ended with the suicides of two students (one he knew) at his school plus he was worried that he might have failed a class for the first time in his life. His school year ended mid June and so I’ve been thinking that he’s probably gotten his grades by now and I’m worried that he could have fallen apart if he failed the class. I’m trying hard to be casual in my emails to him, asking that he let me know he’s ok. But I’ve probably over done it now by emailing his work email, his school email and posting to his on-line journal. But no response. Friends in my day to day life have kids that are in contact with them everyday, including one with a 25 year old who will call her from across the country just to let her know he made it home from a concert or a club in addition to his daily call filling her in on what he made for dinner. I think I just need to be reminded that DS’ behavior is more than norm for 20 year old guys. On top of all that I googled internships at the company he’s working for yesterday and it looks like the company was taking MBA students for the internships (maybe its a separate program? but it doesn’t look that way). Once again, DS is probably the youngest of the group. I am finding too much to worry about. </p>
<p>Am I being too much of a helicopter mom if I try to call him this weekend? He was given a company cell phone in Japan and was told he can take incoming calls on it but not during office hours. Or should I just let go and wait patiently until he decides to call or write?</p>
<p>What’s the harm in a phone call? You are causing yourself too much worry NOT doing it!</p>
<p>I’m all for independence, but under the circumstances, and the fact that you have already expressed through email concern, I think it’s just human nature to be concerned - not helicoptering!!!</p>
<p>If he’s not responding to your emails, by all means call him! Asking him to email you once a week when he’s in a foreign country is NOT helicopter. (Daily phone calls would be, IMHO, but certainly not a simple emailed “Hello” once a week!) I wouldn’t blame yourself about going “overboard” by emailing all his addresses - if he had simply responded the first time you would have stopped. And you’re his mother, and you’re concerned. NO apology needed.</p>
<p>I’m sure he’s fine and doing the typical clueless-20-year-old-boy thing (I have one of those myself), but for your own sanity definitely call him and don’t feel guilty about it.</p>
<p>He should be honoring the agreement to be in touch once a week (my standard for my kids) but it is not unusual for kids to be careless about that. Too often I would finally hear from my kids when they needed services to be rendered – and I would remind them that communication should take place at other times as well! ARRRGGGHHH!</p>
<p>Is he updating his online journal so at least you know he is functioning? Does he use instant messenger and does that show that he is online? If that is the case with my kids at least I know they are probably OK, even if not in contact with me. When my junior D was in China for six months just seeing her AIM ID online was enough for me – she was online, so she was functioning. </p>
<p>But if he has not yet responded to even your “casual” requests to be contacted, then IMO a phone call outside of work hours is absolutely called for. Remind him that he agreed to touch base weekly. When he does so, give him positive feedback (both appreciation and some newsy items you know he would enjoy).</p>
<p>Please fill us in when you do make contact.</p>
<p>By all means, give him a call. Let him know that you were worried because you hadn’t heard from him. Suggest to him that he send you a short text or email every 2 days or so just to let you know that all is well. Do you know how to use AIM? or Skype?</p>
<p>When our DS left ly as a freshman, 2 weeks into it we had a horrible fight. The reason why is because I resented the fact that he didn’t call. We are incredibly close and part of it felt like he walked away from me. I got my panties in a wad and stood my ground that I won’t call him b/c I didn’t want to be that mom. He finally did call and could tell by my voice I was not a happy camper. We talked it out. In the end I realized that I was just as wrong not calling him as he was for not calling me, even more so since I should have been more mature. Don’t be me.</p>
<p>Call him, make it brief and just say I love you. He’ll get the hint that Mom needs to know he’s ok and be more conscious to that. In the end of DS’s yr he would call me and I would immediately ask what’s wrong?</p>
<p>I feel for you. My 20 year old son is on a four week overseas program and even though he is “home” once a year generally, for some reason I am missing him.
I would definitely call and touch in with him but I would not be mentioning his lack of earlier calls or telling him that you need him to recommit to the regular contact.
Just let him know that you love him and were thinking of him and how is it going?
Best of luck.</p>
<p>Know how you feel. S1 (no previous flight experience alone) flew to Turkey (via NY and Germany) alone after soph. yr. to board a U. S. Navy vessel for his req. summer crusie.</p>
<p>He left fr. his college town so we didn’t even see hm off and had forgotten to ask for flight numbers. We had no way of contacting him. I kept telling myself that if he hadn’t shown up, the Navy would have missed him.
Finally got an email fr. the ship 13 days later saying “just thought you’d like to know I’m alive” …ugh. That was the only contact we got. He called about 2 weeks later to say he had come back via Italy and was in DC waiting for a flight back to college town.
He said getting time to email fr. the ship was difficult. </p>
<p>We knew he was OK after the first email because the ship started stopping in ports and we could keep up with him via a $$ trail…withdrawing $ fr.teller machines in various countries.</p>
<p>I agree that a call is definitely in order. But I would also let him know that you need to hear from him a bit more than has been the case lately. Your feelings are important, and he needs to know that. I think that this would be one of the ways he can learn to take others’ feelings into account. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that you have needs as well. Not hearing from him in more than two weeks, and feeling bad about that is not helicoptering. Let us know how it goes!</p>
<p>Your son knows you want to contact him, he knows he should respond, and of course, call him, leave a message if he doesn’t pick up his phone. But after that, that’s all you could do. If he is updating his online journal, you know he is safe.</p>
<p>I have one kid who isn’t good about returning emails, calls etc. It is frustrating, agonizing and disrespectful. I’ve even talked with a therapist about this. I’ve come to realize that I cannot change someone else’s behavior but I can change my expectation. It is infinitely harder to parent an adult child. FYI, my child went overseas for a semester and there were weeks when we never heard anything despite numerous emails, calls. But a relative there confirmed she was still alive. She’s been told of the anguish she caused and now she is a wee bit better.</p>
<p>I wish you good luck and I know how you feel.</p>
<p>Absolutely call him and remind him of his obligations… </p>
<p>IMO an email a day wouldn’t hurt him at all - let alone once a week. </p>
<p>DD (girls are way better about this stuff) sends at least one - often more - short email daily with a photo of what she did on her adventure that day.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t care if this were normal or not for other 20 year olds, it’s still rude and selfish behavior. He’s an adult, he needs to start acting like a responsible one.</p>
<p>Thank you all. I will call him tomorrow (its after 2 am in Tokyo right now - though from previous journal entries my guess is he may be out at clubs/bars with friends & co-workers). He has not updated his on line journal in over 2 weeks. If he had I wouldn’t be worried. And I’ve checked other websites he frequents and there’s no sign he’s logged in anywhere that I know of. </p>
<p>And a special thanks to Pugmadkate - I forget its ok to be angry - it is rude and selfish of him not to respond) I’m feeling better already & I’ll let you know how the phone call goes. Packmom, I do wish he’d leave a money trail I could follow! At least I’d know he was alive and well (though I do think that I’d hear from the professors at school that run the internship program if something was horribly wrong).</p>
<p>I feel for you, oaklandmom. Been there, done that.</p>
<p>Definitely call him. But don’t be surprised if he doesn’t answer his phone! He’ll likely have a valid reason. Last summer, both my Ds were working overseas. My H and I (mostly me) lived through several anxious periods where we didn’t hear from either of them for a week or two. Their various excuses were:</p>
<p>–No internet access
–Wireless cards weren’t working on their personal computers
–Phones didn’t work for overseas calls
–Wasn’t convenient because of the time difference
–Too busy
–Traveling</p>
<p>I feel certain you’d hear from your son’s school if something were wrong. I also consoled myself with that thought!</p>
<p>When you finally hear from him, tell him to purchase a disposable phone and call you. That’s what I had my girls do when their internet connections and cell phones weren’t working.</p>
<p>I feel for you. My S is the King of the Uncommunicative, and he’s going to be on a term abroad in the fall. I’m already bracing myself for never hearing from him.</p>
<p>You’ve already gotten great advice. I’ll add one more thing. When you call, you might get his voice mail. I would not leave a message that tells him that you are upset he hasn’t called, etc. I would save that for when you actually reach him. Rather, I would leave a message that sounds urgent…something like: “This is urgent; we need you to reach us right away; please call as soon as you get this message.” While that may worry him some and think something is wrong, so what because he has worried you. But the reason to leave it this vague and sound urgent is that he won’t know exactly why you are calling and may be more apt to return your call. If you leave a message to do with “why haven’t you called, we are so worried”…he may not call back as quickly. So, let him call to ask you what is urgent and then get into the expectation of his contact with you regularly. In any case, I would NOT hesitate to call your son. I don’t know how you have managed to wait THIS long. I never could have. I’m sure he is fine as you would know if he wasn’t but even still…this is not worth the worry it is causing. He needs to be in contact with you.</p>
<p>I’d call, but I expect it’s the normal young adult male forgetting to email or not being in a place where he is able to do it. We’ve had sons overseas and contact was sporadic. Sometimes we knew they were alive because their friends communicated back home. In any case, they made it home in one piece and with stories we’ll never be told.</p>
<p>If there is a next time I suggest getting a cell plan with texting and international calling for him. We found that they would send a short text back to say they were okay or where they were at, much easier than a phone call or email.</p>