<p>The summer after my freshman year of college was the last that I ever “lived at home”. My H was the same. There were summer jobs, interernships etc. that took us away from our homes. Neither of us ever considered moving home AFTER COLLEGE. It was just not done. It wasn’t that our parents didn’t love us, but both of us came from families that had paid for college and we were expected to get jobs and pay for ourselves after college.<br>
This topic has come up several times over the years with our kids and we’ve let them know that we have the same expectations for them. We’ve taught them how to manage money and about the dangers of getting into debt. Is this too much to ask?</p>
<p>No, Sarahsmom. I don’t think its too much to ask. Whatever works for your family, and is clearly laid out, is fine.</p>
<p>Our children know that summer jobs/internships are a very important part of career goals. They are encouraged to go wherever opportunities take them.</p>
<p>At the same time, they know that our doors are always open to them. If their summer internships are driving distance from home, why then, we welcome them to stay home. If after graduating from college, their jobs are within driving distance from our home, we welcome them to stay with us then too. </p>
<p>Times have changed pretty dramatically, and I believe that our children will have a lower chance of achieving the same standard of living that we have now. If they can save money faster by living at home for a while, and that helps them buy their first condo/whatever and put away a nest egg, while abiding by our rules, then our doors are open.</p>
<p>No moochers or slackers allowed. They have to be really earning their keep, contributing in some way, and living as good family members. It will not be a boarding house.</p>
<p>chocoholic,
You have a good attitude. My younger brother and his wife lived in her parents basement for a year while they saved for the down payment on their first home. That would have been nice! We lived in a roach infested apartment building fo the first six months of our marriage!</p>
<p>This is a timely topic for me, after having had our last ‘parent’s visit’ with D1, who is a senior (we went homecoming weekend instead of parent’s weekend). Anyway, I just can’t believe that she’s a senior, and will be graduating in May. While she’s at one of the top PR programs in the country, most of the major corporations interviewing there are from the East Coast, and she definitely wants to come back to the Chicago area. So chances are, she will not be able to do any serious job hunting/interviewing until after she graduates. However, she is in a fortunate situation in that the internship she began this summer, has continued to provide her with 5 hours of work a week while at school. It’s a PR firm that specializes in green issues, so a lot of the work they do is internet based, save a few meetings with clients, etc. The point is, if they can function without using unnecessary resources (offices, utilities, overhead, etc.) then it better fits their mission. So it’s worked well for her (and the pay, if you can believe it is more than $30/hour) and it has been mentioned she has a continued part-time job after graduation (she will also work more hours when she’s home on breaks), but the founder is concerned D would need a job with benefits, which they can’t offer yet.</p>
<p>So the plan is… have her move home after graduation, continue working for this firm 15-20 hours a week and be able to take her time job hunting with companies that would allow her to stay in the Chicago area. Thankfully, H’s health insurance through work allows her to remain on the policy until age 25, as long as we’re supporting at least 50% of her living expenses (living at home without a full-time job would qualify for that).</p>
<p>What’s important to know is that our suburban town is the last place she wants to end up… her dream (besides eventually working for Google) is to live in the city, preferably on the north side, where many young college graduates end up. With this cushion of a job, and no hurry to find a job with benefits, she can take her time getting what she wants, but I know she will want to get out on her own as soon as possible. With her current job, she’s already bought a new car, and contributing toward an investment fund, so she’s well on her way to independence. So I don’t mind it at all if lives at home for a few months while resettling back in our area.</p>
<p>Teri, You are soooo lucky that she wants to settle near you! I’ve never lived any closer than a thousand miles from my midwest home and my family only sees us a few times a year, if that. I have several nieces and nephew’s in the Chicago area. They all started out in the city but ended up in the suburbs after getting married and starting families. They LOVED their city lives! Good luck, it sounds like your D is off to a great start!</p>
<p>I moved home after college and I’m still here… saving up money for a house. I’m like my own independent person living here though. I buy my own food and that kind of stuff and just come and go on my own schedule. Sometimes I go days without seeing my parents, but oh well. I can’t wait till I move out, it’s a bit cramped in this small room! My mom and dad love having me here (I think my mom will be devastated when I move out for good - haha.) I have a huge pile of crap in my basement with my belongings from my apartment at school. With my new job hopefully money will get saved up quicker. :)</p>
<p>I think “home” should always be open to children, as long as they (as adults) aren’t being seriously disrespectful in some way. </p>
<p>My oldest siblings have all spent some time at home after graduation. My brother spent about five years working abroad after college, so whenever he came home he would stay with us. My oldest sister returned home when she was working locally for a couple of years at one point after college. Another sibling and I were young and still living at home full time during all of these events. I have another sister who is a senior in college right now, and though she hasn’t spent every break at home (far from it), she’s likely going to be in school for a few more years and may very well live at home during breaks.</p>
<p>While my home is always open for my kids, I highly doubt either one will ever live at home again. In fact, neither has lived at home any summers in college, and hardly any of their breaks either. Out of 12 months a year even now, they likely spend not more than 4 weeks total in days here. One of my kids is a senior in college but applying to graduate schools that take a few years. Once she’s out, who knows where she’ll be but I imagine she will look for a job in her profession. My other one is a junior in college and not only goes to school in NYC which really is her home now but her career field is centered in NYC and that’s where she’ll be once she graduates and wherever she lands jobs (it’s a field where every job is temporary in nature). So, it is not like my kids are not welcome to come home and their rooms are exactly the way they left them but I don’t anticipate either will live at home again, and don’t even in summers as it is. </p>
<p>As far as my own life…kinda unusual in that I married very young. The summer after freshman year in college, I wanted to stay there and went to summer school at my college. The summer after soph year, I got married! I did live at home for two months and worked up to the wedding that July and never lived at home again and returned to my college and lived in that city in summers and grad school, etc. So, I haven’t lived at home since age 18 and don’t expect my kids to either but not because we said that to them but because I just know their aspirations and plans likely won’t take them here for any permanency though they do enjoy coming home and like it here (which is the extreme opposite from the settings where they each go to school). I guess ya never know…hard for me to think that far ahead.</p>
<p>H never returned home after leaving for college except for holiday visits.
I spent the summer after freshman year at home for few weeks then went to summer sch. I got married after soph. year, transferred schools and only returned home for visits or holidays. After we got married we received no help financial or otherwise from our families. We were on our own. </p>
<p>S1 will be definitely be on his own when he graduates, He has a military committment for at least 4 years and I can’t see him returning after that.
S2 has not yet decided what his major will be but DH is definitely pushing him toward something that offers the likelihood of good employment opportunities to the point that he can be self-sufficient. Not saying we wouldn’t let him live with us while job hunting/saving money for a place, but definitely not a long term thing.</p>
<p>One consideration would be $$… how much will it cost the new grad to set himself up? That can be considerable, especially when he probably hasn’t saved a whole lot during college (many have not). </p>
<p>My oldest brother went directly into the military after graduation. My other brother went to work immediately in another state, but my folks spent a fortune buying all his furniture, a new car, and everything else he needed to live. </p>
<p>As for myself, I knew that I wanted to come back to my roots after graduation- I’m a beach girl through and through, and after having lived 700 miles to the north, I realized that Florida was always going to be the place for me. Unfortunately, most of the new grad interviews up at school were for places in the northeast and midwest, and besides that, I knew in the back of my mind that I could use the summer after graduation to research and interview in Florida to my heart’s content (lazy!). So I came home after graduation, got a job as a president’s assistant at a nearby resort, and started looking around. By November, I had a professional position at a major corporation and had saved a bucket of money; I put all the deposits down on a small condo, bought a new car, and had a nice time shopping for furnishings and decorating my apartment. Even in those days, we’re talking thousands of dollars, so I can’t imagine what it would cost now to do the same thing.</p>
<p>My parents were disappointed at first- they had the notion that it was somehow a failure to not be employed directly upon graduation and living on your own (like my brothers were). But after they saw the career I had, my new digs, etc. they realized that there was more than one way to do it.</p>
<p>I think a lot depends on where your kid goes to college. I went to college in NYC, so it was easy for me to stay on in my apartment after I graduated and continue living my life, get a job, etc. It was where I wanted to be.</p>
<p>If your kid goes to school in an area where they do not see themselves living, there is a good chance they may need to come home for a period of time to figure out where they are going from there. Could be getting a job, going to graduate school, or any number of alternatives. </p>
<p>I fully expect my S to come home after college. I have no problem with this at all…as a matter of fact, I would look forward to having him home again. Even if it’s for a short while until he figures out his next move.</p>
<p>I never returned home after college. Nor did my siblings. My children would be welcome as long as they are making an effort to earn a living.
I think times have changed as things are so much more expensive. With a large age gap between my oldest and youngest I have been both the youngest Mom and the oldest. When my youngest first went to school several of her friends who were first children were living with the grandparents while saving to buy a home. They are all out on there own now.</p>
<p>Our neighbor is greek and they built their home with the intent that their children would live part of their adult lives at home. Over the years I have watched adult children move in and out. We have other friends who come from a different culture also building a large home with the intent of having room for their adult children and family when they are starting out. This is normal for them.</p>
<p>LilyMoon, I think you have a good point. If the new graduates don’t intend to live in the area where they can commute from their college apartment, then it makes sense to go home and use that as a base while looking for a new job. Our daughter went to China after college graduation and I believe she is spending everything she earns on travel. In fact, I hope she can travel as much as she can while she is there because it will never be cheaper to travel in that area of the world then while she is living there. That means though that she will probably come back here until she figures out her next step. It’s fine with us.</p>
<p>My husband and I married young (20) and lived in a variety of run-down places until he graduated from college and got a real job. We were very happy to escape the family homes. Different times.</p>
<p>Times have definately changed. The cost of an education has risen at an insane rate, not to mention the cost of housing in some areas. Here’s what I have a problem with…
One of my nieces went to a private school and her parents paid for her tuition, room, board and fees. They also gave her a clothing allowance each fall and spring and paid for travel home for breaks. She was expected to pay for her entertainment and other “extras.” My niece is an artist, oil painting. She got her degree in art, but although my brother encouraged her to do so, she did not get a teaching degree and did not want to teach. While at school, she found that the clothing allowance that she had received did not cover the kinds of clothes that she desired. ($500.00 in the spring and fall) She took out some credit cards and by the time she graduated, she had accumulated $35,000.00 in credit card debt. Now she’s living at home & working at CVS but is too broke to continue painting. My brother FREAKED out when he found out that she’d racked up all of this debt trying to keep up with her pampered sorority sisters, but he wisely took out a low interest loan and is allowing her to make the payments while living in his house, eating his food, etc.
I can understand having a child move in because she needs to save for a down payment or pay of tuition/room/board bills, but I don’t know what I’d do if our D’s came to us with this senerio after we’d busted our butt to save for their educations. I guess I tell you this as a warning to teach your kids about how these initial low interest rate credit cards work. Have them read the fine print, the part that says “After six months the interest rate goes up to 21%” or “If you miss ONE payment on ANY credit card, we can raise the interest rate to 21% or even higher.” Unfortunately my neice is now the poster child in our family for bad credit decisions. My brother made her give a presentation at Thanksgiving one year! Buyer beware!</p>
<p>What else would you have done? If your Sarah did the same thing, before her cousin had to make that presentation, do you think she should have been left to pay for her own apartment, food, utilities, and fall further and further into debt? Your niece is young, and she can get over this if she has help and support. She screwed up, but her mistake is too big for her to fix on her own without seriously messing up her life. It seems as if her parents are dealing with this situation well by supporting their daughter while she gets back on her feet. She has a job and is learning to make payments, and she will get past this. If she didn’t have the help of her parents, she would have been in a lot more trouble. </p>
<p>If you honestly can’t afford to help out financially, then that is an entirely different matter. The notion of 21 year olds making very bad decisions and getting into tough situations is nothing new, but I don’t think these types of mistakes should be paid for in decades lost.</p>
<p>corranged,</p>
<p>You are right, it could have taken her decades to pay it off and she is very lucky that her parents could help. The thing that bothers me is that this young woman did not seem to understand that what she had done was deceiptful & selfish and that she had taken advantage of her parent. Her parents paid $130,000 for an education that she is using as a checker at the CVS? Do you have any idea how long it will take her to pay off the debt at the rate she’s going?<br>
All I’m saying is that kids need to learn about the real pitfalls of credit cards and that it would be wise to have frequent conversations how they can ruin people’s lives and dreams. Am I the only person that thinks that kids today live in a “see it, want it, buy with a credit card” world that is going to bite us all in the butt?
My brother and his wife are not rich and he did not deserve this. What went wrong?
Is it right to encourage kids to get an eduation in underwater basket weaving without having a notion of a career after college?</p>
<p>I thought I was so smart, tearing up and throwing out all those credit card offers that came to my D while she’s at school. Then she enlightened me… they send them to her at school, too.</p>
<p>One thing I do appreciate about her being in a sorority - they have occasional speakers come to their house to give talks about ‘adult’ life. She was very impacted by the speaker who spoke to them about the hazards of credit cards, and has heeded that advice. She has one (through our credit union) with a $1000 limit, but only got it up there once when she was studying abroad and had to make a deposit on her flat, but hadn’t gotten enough British pounds yet. And of course, since we cover her room and board, we paid that charge off immediately.</p>
<p>When she bought her car a couple of months ago, the salesman was very surprised at her credit score, saying not many kids her age have one that high.</p>
<p>Let’s see if these genes were distributed to D2!</p>
<p>Sarahsmom…there are many issues with your niece. One is the horrific wracking up of $35,000 in debt in college on…clothes? (was it all clothes?..that’s a damn lot of clothes!) And so, she certainly should have to pay it back and so she may have to live at home to lessen her other expenses. Too bad…not great. </p>
<p>But I don’t understand why she has to be a checker at CVS, sorry. She has a college degree. I don’t care WHAT it is in. Not everyone gets a job in their “major”. Some majors are very liberal arts oriented. Many people working today are doing jobs that don’t line up with their major (ie., English, Classics, History, Chemistry, Theater, Art, etc.) But a college education IS worth something in the job market. Many jobs are looking for educated people at the entry level. College is not just about job training. She has a degree. A degree is useful in any career. She may be able to get a job related to the arts and maybe not. But she does not have to do a job that doesn’t require a college degree such as cashier. In my view, she’d be better off finanicailly (let alone be building her career resume), to obtain gainful employment in any field that requires an education. She should make use of her college’s career center and get help with her resume and the job hunt. If she has to start out living at home due to her credit card expenses, she may have to start out that way. But she will get on her own feet quicker at a better paying job that has career advancement. She can even CREATE jobs that pay better than CVS, such as teaching art classes to youth or community programs for adults, etc. She could apply to arts organizations where someonew with an art background would be beneficial…or a museum, and so on.</p>
<p>Soozie,
She spent $23,000 on designer clothes, shoes, handbags, accessories etc. another $5,000 going on spring break vacations and meals, (she told her parents that she “had it covered”) and the rest she accumulated IN INTEREST (21%!). She did not tell her parents until she had graduated.
She really got sucked into a culture that she clearly could not afford. Her school and sorority we filled with very rich kids who had their DAD’S credit cards. They didn’t think twice about paying $360.00 on a Coach handbag. They would go shopping in Chicago and drop a couple of grand and my niece would be CONSERVATIVE compared to them. I’m not saying that they were bad or wrong to do this, their parents had given them the green light and a gold card. Unfortunately that was not the case for my niece.
I completely agree that a college education is more than job training. I really believe in the value of four years or more exploring avenues, learning about other cultures and people, and just maturing in general. I just wonder about the wisdom of going through those four years without coming up with some kind of paying J.O.B.! I thought that you were supposed to think about this during college, not after.
I think that the idea of creating a job could be a great option, but tough. She’s not a very dynamic person and my brother and his family live in a small midwestern town. We offered that she could come and stay with us for awhile and look around here for an art related kind of job, but my brother would not allow it. He doesn’t trust that she would not take advantage of us. Fortunately she a talented artist and is very bright. I’m hoping that she’ll get motivated and create a job as you suggest. (Teaching is not really an option. She’s very shy and hates to be in front of a group.)</p>
<p>You know, I’d really like to dispel the myth that all sorority sisters are very rich.</p>
<p>I was forever hearing stories from my D about how she was slumming it compared to her sorority sisters, telling me about their various houses, multiple cars, month-long vacations, and yes, daddy’s credit card. But we just returned from visiting her over homecoming weekend, and it was kind of enlightening to see with my own eyes, the number of her sorority sisters who: had to meet up with us later because they were working; waited on us at the local restaurant; had parents who were concerned about how much their daughter was working; promised to get us the discount at the department store they worked at.</p>
<p>Yes, I do know some of them do fit the wealthy stereotype of unlimited use of daddy’s credit card, but to say that they have to keep up with the Jones to me just says they can’t or won’t find any friends in their own economic means. They * are * there.</p>