Mom is ruling my life - how can I balance it?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hello Everyone, </p>

<p>I’m not sure if this is just me being 19 or not, but I’m seriously having some issues with my mother. I feel so trapped and squished, and I don’t know what to do/feel. I’d appreciate any insight. </p>

<p>I’ve been home for break for a couple weeks now (but my school is close and I come home all the time), and I feel like she’s dominating my life. She’s all sweet and kind when I’m with HER and when we do what SHE wants to do, but if I just want to stay home and do nothing, I’m lazy, selfish, a hermit, socially backwards, etc. If I hang out with a friend and wake up later on a free day (like last night and this morning), I’m selfish and don’t care about how my sleeping in affects HER and what SHE wants to do with me. She yelled at me about it before I went out last night, and keep in mind that it was only the 2nd time I went out with a friend all of break. The rest has been spent at home or with her, so I am trying to be fair. </p>

<p>We had a scene at a Tim Hortons the other day because I admittedly got a little short with her. We don’t have high speed Internet at my house, so she made me go to TH with my laptop to check something for her. She was breathing down my neck as I was trying to get into her work portal, but I was failing to do so since she couldn’t remember her password and since I didn’t have the proper software. I snapped something like “how can you honestly not know your password?”, and she got up, called me a very bad name, and told me to meet her at the truck and that I made her lose her appetite. She later reamed me a new one for publicly embarrassing her and yelling at her in front of other people. I apologized (I WAS attitudinal), but the whole way home I kept thinking about what my life has become: running around pleasing my mother and doing whatever she wants, and being ridiculed and guilted like a child. My life is no different than it was when I was 14.</p>

<p>Today she’s practically forcing me to go to my grandmother’s, and even though I just saw her the other day for Christmas and will see her for the New Year, she’s making me feel guilty about not seeing her when I’m just wasting time at home. I don’t really feel good, either, and while I was stumbling around the house getting ready (of course I’m going because I love my grandmother very much), she noticed how quiet I was and then started shouting about my attitude and how she didn’t want me to come. Now my whole mood is entirely spoiled but I dare not show it because then she’ll yell at me again and maybe upset my grandmother if it’s in front of her. </p>

<p>I know this is all my version of events, but I promise that I’m truly trying to be fair. Yes, I’m a lazy college kid right now because for the first time in MONTHS, I don’t have to work or study. Yes, I want to stay home and do nothing, but yes, I go shopping with my mom more than I hang out with my friends and try and spend some quality time with her. </p>

<p>What am I doing wrong?? I’m doing my best to play her ridiculous game, but I’m done. She guilts me into coming home every weekend, and if I don’t, then I “don’t love her” or I’m “too good” for her. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I’ll have to spend all of summer here, and at this rate, I might lose my cool. </p>

<p>I’m Catholic (though shamefully not practicing), and I was always taught to fight with love and pray for the best. Well, I’ve been waiting it out, but now I’m starting to think ill of my mother in general, and I don’t want that to happen. I’m thinking about going back to the Church, and I feel like I need something to help me get on and go with my life. </p>

<p>How can I better balance this situation? I’m sure I can just play my cards a certain way to prevent heartache and make things work </p>

<p>Thanks for reading.</p>

2

<p>Our kids are here. When they come, we always make a list of the “must do” things first…so that they can schedule anything else around that list. And that is ANYTHING else…sleeping in, going out with friends, anything. It really doesn’t matter as long as they are with us for the MUST DO things.</p>

<p>Our kids also understand that other “must do” things might drop up while they are here. </p>

<p>See if you can make a schedule with your mom.</p>

3

<p>As a mom, I get a little annoyed when my kids are being couch potatoes on breaks, but I keep in mind that they work hard and are unwinding. I would much rather know that they are happy to come home. Now this doesn’t mean they don’t help or do something when I ask them, but I try to give them some space as well.
This is a really hard time for parents and students. You have had new experiences and changes while they have not. You come home and seem in their eyes to be in the same place you were before, but you are not.
I also remember feeling “forced” sometimes to spend time with a grandparent when I wanted to hang out with friends. This is a very typical feeling at your age- and with your sense of time. Now, my grandfather is not here. I know how it feels to lose a grandparent, and even a parent, and I cherish the time I had with them. This may be how your mother sees it. Trust me on this one: you may feel differently right now… but one day, you will cherish the time you had with her, so IMHO, see her.
I don’t know if it is typical of your mother to insult you like that, but that isn’t appropriate. Still, the only person you can control is you. You can treat her with respect, but you do not have to tolerate verbal abuse. If this is the case, then I recommend your student health counseling center to help you deal with this in a way that will work for the best. Remember, in a short time you will be back at school.
If you feel you wish to go to church, then great. You will at some point be incorporating your religious beliefs as an adult, and can learn more about your religion from an adult perspective. You might enjoy joining one of the groups at your college, where you can attend classes and go to church together.</p>

4

<p>So sorry. Keep telling yourself you are going back to school soon. </p>

<p>I can remember the tension when I went home. I was used to be being completely on my own, and coming back to being someone’s daughter and being in a family was tough. I was so happy to come home, and so happy to leave at the same time. </p>

<p>With my kids, I do give them a few days of doing nothing, but make clear to them what the family events are, whether trips or meals together. It is hard for me to watch them do nothing as well. I am one of those up with the sun types. Older son has done a lot of dog and house sitting for other people on long visits home, and that has helped us both. </p>

<p>It does sound like you need to tell your mom what you have planned and she needs to tell you what she has planned. Put those events on the calendar. The rest you will have to work out on an ad hoc basis.</p>

5

<p>Where’s your dad? IF he’s not in the picture then it sounds like your mom is using you for companionship. If your mom is lonely, then can she be encouraged to make new friends? What about church friends for her?</p>

<p>When you return for spring semester, do NOT come home so much. Find good reasons to stay at school…study groups, projects, library needs, etc.</p>

<p>It does sound like you need to tell your mom what you have planned and she needs to tell you what she has planned. Put those events on the calendar. The rest you will have to work out on an ad hoc basis</p>

<p>Good idea ^^</p>

<p>*I’m Catholic (though shamefully not practicing), and I was always taught to fight with love and pray for the best. Well, I’ve been waiting it out, but now I’m starting to think ill of my mother in general, and I don’t want that to happen. I’m thinking about going back to the Church, and I feel like I need something to help me get on and go with my life. *</p>

<p>^^ Get involved with the church group on campus. Is there a parish associated with your univ? If so, go there. Univ parishes often are very student-centered with student activities on various days/nights.</p>

<p>Are you in Canada?</p>

6

<p>Thank you for all of your replies! I like the idea of making a MUST DO list. That would maybe make her expectations more tangible and linear for me. And yes, I should probably talk to her more about how I feel and what I’m doing, but sometimes I’m just worried that I’ll offend her or hurt her. She does yell at me and insult me a lot, but I wouldn’t say it’s abusive. I don’t feel threatened in any way – just annoyed. She’s rather hotheaded. </p>

<p>My father actually passed away a few years ago, so I think that might have a lot to do with it. Now she’s my only parent and the only adult in the house, so it’s her way or the highway; it’s her house and her rules. I try and tread carefully around this issue, but I agree that she’s maybe using me too much for companionship. It’s always either my grandmother or myself, and she really has no friends besides coworkers. And she must be lonely when I’m away, which makes me feel guilty and feel like I need to come home and see her.</p>

7

<p>You cannot allow yourself to feel guilty about that. I’m a divorced mom who is facing an empty nest in September and although I get a little freaked out about that, I don’t expect my children to solve that problem. I’m making plans in my head already for how I’m going to deal with it. Maybe if your mom isn’t able to be dependent on you as much, it will motivate her to get out and do some things on her own. </p>

<p>Maybe, when neither of you are feeling angry, it would be good to just talk about it. Bring up that you aren’t sure you’ll be able to come home as often next term but you worry about her being alone. Ask her if she’s thought about what to do with herself now that you’re not there. Maybe help her find some cheap classes out there she might enjoy- learning a new skill, financial planning, crafts, an exercise class, etc.- where she might make new friends. Was she friends with the parents of any of your close friends? Some of us from my daughter’s crowd have gotten together for a Mom’s Night Out since the girls started college because we used to enjoy hanging out together at their band events. It’s nice to catch up with them.</p>

8

<p>I think you’re mother is being completely unreasonable. She sounds narcissistic – everything you do is, to her, a reflection on her. </p>

<p>Behave yourself this vacation, and for future vacations, plan to spend most of it at a friend’s house – preferably out of town. And if it has to be a friend in town, don’t tell your mother where you are.</p>

<p>Her behavior is very controlling, and it’s not normal.</p>

<p>I had the same mother. It’s not your job to make her happy. She just wants to make you think it is.</p>

9

<p><a href=“but%20my%20school%20is%20close%20and%20I%20come%20home%20all%20the%20time”>quote</a>

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<p>If you don’t like your mom’s rules and demands, why come home all the time? It seems an easy solution.</p>

10

<p>DS occasionally accused his mom of running his life also. He has just turned 26 and his school is several thousands miles away from us and he stays there like over 340 days in this year. I could not imagine how she could effectively run his life several thousands miles away and they do not call or text each other often.</p>

<p>Some of his peers (when he was an UG student) complained much more about their parents. (At least two of the girls he happened to know are like that: almost can not stop complaining about her mother.)</p>

<p>So you are not alone.</p>

<p>Are you from a small, more close knit (kernel) family? (Not many siblings.) Are you a girl (your screen name, “harvestmoon” makes me think that you are a girl but I am not sure.)</p>

<p>If your kernel family is small, the child tends to receive arguably too much attention no matter how old the child is.</p>

<p>BTW, if you are a girl, some parent may worry more when you go out at night. (E.g., the parents of a girl whom DS dated with would not allow them to go out for a movie or a similar event in the evening.) If you can find any way to make her not so worry, it may help. For example, how about meeting your friend at your home (The meeting place the parents’s of the previous mentioned girl preferred or approved at that time.)</p>

11

<p>You probably do need to be home for most of breaks, and try that MUST DO list. But I would stop coming home so many weekends, and don’t let her guilt you about it. I wouldn’t say so to her, but she might figure out that her heavy handed behavior is driving you away. </p>

<p>And regarding the scene with her having you check her portal… you probably didn’t say the best thing to her about the password. But if I find my mom getting rude or short with me when I am helping her, I say, “You really should be nicer to people who are trying to help you.” And if she keeps up the bad behavior, I stop helping. Just so she is clear on the connection between the two. But I am not a dependent college student… so maybe that won’t work as well for you.</p>

12

<p>Stay on campus and come home only on the long breaks. Get involved with friends and activities on campus. You seem to be keeping one foot home for security reasons and one foot at college. Make the plunge and move on with your life at campus. Limit your visits to the major academic breaks.</p>

13

<p>When you are back at school, pick up a copy of this book: Boundaries by Cloud
I put a link to the kindle edition below because right now, it’s 80% off. You’ll find this book very helpful in dealing with your mother. </p>

<p>And I’d encourage you to come home less often next semester. Get busy in clubs so you are legitimately busy with good things. It can be very good for your own mental health.</p>

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No eBook: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Kindle Store](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Say-Yes-How-ebook/dp/B000FC2K9W/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1388260539&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Say-Yes-How-ebook/dp/B000FC2K9W/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1388260539&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries)</p>

14

<p>I definitely think I would find something other to do than hanging out around the house, if you are just going to get yelled at and treated poorly. I’d find somewhere else to hang out, something important that I needed to do. If you are doing an activity that will help your future career, or is healthy–such as exercising, it seems like it would be hard for her to complain. This sounds very unpleasant, and why would you want to be around for that? I might even talk to a temp agency and see if you can get some very short term work. Anything to get away, how miserable for you!</p>

<p>Listening to your situation makes me feel less guilty about the times I’ve been lightly nagging my kids about eating better and getting exercise, while they’ve been home. Otherwise, they’ve had it pretty good, with us encouraging them to see their friends as much as possible and not saying anything about them lounging around watching videos with the dogs in their laps. I just always want them to look forward to coming home and spending time with us, while not feeling like they’re giving up relaxation time, or fun activities with their friends. I want them to enjoy us, not dread seeing us. I know I’m tormenting my youngest with so many hugs, but I really can’t control myself anymore. I miss him so much.</p>

15

<p>Thanks again for everyone’s help! You do all make a good point in that this is only temporary and that I shouldn’t come home as much during the school year. My course load is going to be pretty heavy next term, so it won’t be hard to validate staying. </p>

<p>I’m trying to wean myself out, and I guess I’ll just have to step it up a notch. It’s hard, but I’m glad to know that I’m not being completely heartless about the situation.</p>

16

<p>My mom used to run my sister and me tightly - if you were in her presence she had something for you to do. Usually this involved cleaning up minor messes or doing any number of odd little tasks. It got worse as she got older. When I was around 40 years old, for the very first time I just looked at her and said, “right now I am going to do xyz. I’ll do the abc in a few minutes when I’m done with this. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” And I closed my bedroom door. Let me tell you that was a big moment in my life. She didn’t die or flip out or hate me forever more, either. It felt like I was suddenly interacting with her adult to adult instead of mom to daughter. My sister never learned to do this and carried resentment at being run around till the day my mom died. I think the boundaries book is a great idea. Sometimes you have to kindly and calmly state what you are going to do, all the while knowing it is with complete good intentions so you are confident that your action is fair and reasonable and … perfectly sane … and then how the other person reacts is their business. If they want to steep in misery then that is sad for them but you don’t have to take it on as your problem. </p>

<p>TLDR: Your crisis is not automatically mine, mom.</p>

17

<p>Are you an only child? If not, what demands does she have on the others.</p>

<p>I do think that the fact that your dad passed away a rather short time ago (sorry to hear that), your mom is “using” you as a mate-substitute.</p>

<p>I would highly encourage her (maybe go with her a few times) to get involved with her church. Does your church have a Women’s Group (many do). Not only do those groups have meetings to go to (to keep mom busy), they also have fundraisers and charities that they support (more things to keep your mom busy)…but they’re also instant sources for friendships. </p>

<p>To create a schedule and that may include some “sleeping in” mornings and other things that your mom complains about.</p>

<p>Likely, in her head, she “schedules/plans” what you and she are going to do, and then when you sleep in or aren’t available, she feels cheated (she’s not being cheated, but that’s how she feels).</p>

18

<p>She sounds narcissistic</p>

<p>Unless the mom has some very long history of acting entitled, demanding, and self-centered, then that is probably not the case here. She may still be grieving the death of her husband…and certainly is missing the companionship. Lots of folks act self-centered or unreasonable after facing a major loss…it’s not evidence of being a N.</p>

19

<p>*She does yell at me and insult me a lot, but I wouldn’t say it’s abusive. I don’t feel threatened in any way – just annoyed. She’s rather hotheaded. *</p>

<p>That is abusive…even if you don’t feel that life or limb is being threatened.</p>

20

<p>HM - This is not a healthy situation. Parents deserve respect even when you are an adult. This does not give them license to manipulate and emotionally twist their adult children. The digital era, the econnected age of immediate availability (text, cellphone, email, Skype), has made it very hard for some parent/children collectively to make the appropriate separation needed for young adult growth and independence. Parents often start to make more and more unreasonable demands, expectations, and guilt their adult children any way they can in attempts to hold on to any semblance of authority (read power) they used to have. Unlike what mcat2 says it is very possible for a parent to continue to attempt this when an adult child is across the country and well into their 20’s. It is oppressive and detrimental to relationships. Respectfully, I feel mcat2 has a skewed view of appropriate involvement in an adult child’s life that’s been discussed here before. </p>

<p>Try your best not to take the bait this break, finding as many alternatives as possible, attending agreed upon key events. Know your mom’s behavior is not ‘normal’ or appropriate. The book suggested will be of help, please consider it. There will be information of things you can do to help (do not extrapolate that you are responsible). In the end you can only control yourself and finding alternatives for shorter breaks, and limiting longer ones, may be your saving grace. We always open our doors at breaks to our sons friends (love having these ‘kids’!). I think you’d find the same. Good luck.</p>