<p>blueiguana, The said adult child is now 3000+ miles away, for the next half a year or even a whole year. I could not possibly run his life too much - especially when I almost do not have a chance to talk to him one-on-one over the phone. Actually, the last time he called me to tell me something that he thought I would be happy to know (his first admission to a school) was more than 3 years ago - about Oct. 16, 2010! (He talked to his mom regularly once a week though. My wife once joked with me that if I am not good to her and she stops talking to me, I will be all alone in the world and will not know anything about both her and our S.)</p>
<p>With this said, I do think we have been VERY involved parents before his college. I recently asked DS (when he’s home) whether it was a good idea that he went OOS for college and beyond. His answer was a definite yes. I guess both he and we have the wisdom to agree that being too involved in his upbringing may not be a good thing for both.</p>
<p>Yes, I heard he was still hurting for the situation he’s in when he left home. It’s up to him to resolve it in one way or another. I did overact during the holiday when I saw him like that. I am glad I am at a distance from him now.</p>
<p>mcat - I pointed something out for the OP to consider. They can read post history of anyone giving advise and decide if it’s someone they feel is a good match for them.</p>
<p>I could be wrong here. But I think OP actually gave me some input when I “vent” about it on that thread (about the request for multiple dating, etc.) BTW, I did not know what happened exactly, DS believes the issue back in her thanksgiving break was not due to her ex; it was a “new one” after DS had sent her off to her hometown. This seems to hurt him more than just her potentially “not completely ended ex relationship”/“still want to keep ex as a friend” issue.</p>
<p>Thanks again for all the help! I tried to download that book to my phone’s Kindle, but I’m having difficulties since I just got a new phone and don’t know how to switch Android devices for the download, so I’ll either have someone figure it out for me or I’ll wait until January to see if my school has it. </p>
<p>To clarify, I am an only child, so I guess that I’m “all my mother has left.” I know it’s not normal, but I also know that I can’t make her grieve any faster or any better. It’s been really rough financially as well as emotionally, so I know she’s going through an overall rough time. I’ve handled everything pretty well myself and haven’t had any issues, so now I feel that all I can really do is be there for her while she gets through this. </p>
<p>Today I did the list thing. I wrote out what my plans are for the next few days, and then I had her fill out what she wanted to do. We agreed for me to not sleep in past 9 o’clock and for her not to make me do anything past 6 o’clock. I don’t know how this will work out, but hopefully it’ll be better since we’re trying to plan things out more!</p>
<p>I think it’s nice that your mom was willing to do the list with you, I think that will help if you guys are able to stick to the agreement. My mom would never have agreed to try it.</p>
<p>Harvestmoon, I think it is commendable that you are so considerate of your mom. Not saying that what she is doing is great, but she obviously raised you well.</p>
<p>My dad died when I was 17. I think its amazing that your mother was able to get it together enough for you to go away to college.
Mine could barely function. I moved out when I was 18 and have been on my own ever since.
Not trying to downplay your concerns, but you are very fortunate.</p>
<p>Speaking as a divorced mother of one child, there is definitely a more focused relationship that can feel claustrophobic and controlling at times. Add to that the fact that your mother is probably still grieving just makes things more intense and emotional. Was she likely to yell at you before your father died? If so, that may be her learned way of handling situations. If not, then I would assume it is the combination of becoming a widow and having your daughter leave for college. </p>
<p>Either way, it obviously will benefit both of you if she learns how to better handle her interactions with you (and others). You might suggest seeing a family counselor together if things don’t improve. There are some that work on a sliding scale if money is an issue. I think you have done a great job so far of trying to improve things with the list making. That will help her feel that her needs are being understood and also help you get time to do what you want. It is a great idea that someone mentioned to sit down and talk with her about how she makes you feel when she yells. Use “I feel X when you say Y.” language to describe how it makes you feel. I thing the suggestion to go to church together is a good one too, especially if it allows her to get involved with other adults. She clearly needs to develop a better support and friend network.</p>
<p>HM - You are an exceptionally caring and mature young person. Cheers to you for taking a stressful situation, looking for a solution, and acting on what you saw as advise most applicable and relevant to you. These are skills that most ‘adults’ don’t have. </p>
<p>If you think it’s reasonable, and your mom might be receptive, looking for a support group as suggested through a place of worship or community center may be another step. My mother completely lost her identity when my dad walked out. She was 40yo, no job, credit history, nothing. A support group saved her and over 30yrs later she’s still in touch with several ladies. I’m not trying to compare divorce to your families loss, there is no comparison. I’m just sharing that the support group was very helpful at a very critical time and perhaps it would help your mom, taking some burden off of you. </p>
<p>Please take care of yourself. Grief is a strange animal and can hit at odd times, especially if you’re supporting others. Let us know how you are doing.</p>
<p>You come home all the time? Don’t do that. Come home only on breaks. You need to grow up, and you need to stay away from home (most of the time) to do that. With more independence you will be stronger. You will have a better idea of what behavior/expectations is reasonable. Make the change. Don’t discuss it, just make the change.</p>
<p>I did not read the whole thread, so if this was already said, sorry for the repeat. </p>
<p>I say this with TLC–if you are going home EVERY weekend, then your mother has control issues, if she is harping about you hanging out with your friends or you are not available to hang out with your mother every waking hour of your winter break. </p>
<p>Sounds like your mother needs to make some friends other than you.</p>
<p>“Come home all the time”- no wonder your mother feels like you are still her at home child. It IS her house and her rules. From your following posts I see where you are taking the advice of posters and negotiating. </p>
<p>To be treated like an adult you need to act like an adult. First of all- next semester stay on campus, let it become your home. GO (versus come) home rarely- as in when required by dorm closures. Get a life of your own, separate from your mother. This means not sharing much about yours (my son was an expert in this as a young teen, sigh). Do be polite enough to call regularly- once a week (Sunday may be a good day) and let her know you are fine plus ask how she is doing. </p>
<p>As long as you are such a regular part of her life she will treat you as her nonadult child. I noticed our son reverted to child habits when home- you may be acting like the child you were and not the adult you are becoming when back at your home.</p>
<p>Setting boundaries and expectations as two adults with negotiation will change your dynamic. It takes getting used to realizing one’s child has so much freedom away from home and the life at home has changed. You will forever need to respect her rules in her house. She never needs to let you share a room with anyone, let you smoke or do other things she would be uncomfortable with. You have the right to do as you please in your own space. One reason a year round college apartment is so appealing to students.</p>
<p>Growing up is hard to do. Letting go is hard to do.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the additional replies! Yes, I will definitely have to resolve to not traveling home as much. It’ll make her upset, but I agree that it’s probably better for our situation. Maybe I can negotiate some more and commit to having dinner with her once a week or something, or maybe she can visit me at school. Basically, maybe I can just not sleep and dwell there as much. </p>
<p>And thanks for all the kind words. I’m just trying to handle this reasonably, and I’m thankful to be able to pose questions here and gain advice and wisdom. :)</p>
<p>harvestmoon, your mom losing her husband and you losing your dad such a short time ago must have been a huge adjustment. Good for you for recognizing the corner you and your mom have pushed yourselves into. I can understand why both of you were drawn to spending so much time together even though you’ve left the nest and you’re away at college. I think that ultimately it will be good for your mom to need to find her wings and adjust to living alone. Sure it will be hard, but it sounds like it will be better for both of you.</p>
<p>HM - You have to do what you think is right for you and your mom, no one can decide those boundaries for you. I can say personally I would have had difficulty giving my first appropriate space and letting go if I was seeing him once a week. Letting go can be difficult for parents, no doubt, and we don’t always do it gracefully, but physical distance and time is important for both students and parents. It does get better! Perhaps a middle ground of a once weekly Skype (we love this!). You could go for dinner once a month and your mom could come see you once a month, staggering every two weeks, eventually making time between visits longer…three weeks, a month, etc. For most this would be too often but you are starting from an instinct of once weekly visits so baby steps for all may be best. Just something to consider. </p>
<p>I am not one to suggest everyone needs counseling, and am in no way inferring you are not handling this with grace and maturity, but keep in mind your university has counselors that are adept at supporting young people in stressful life transitions. Please don’t hesitate to utilize this resource if you feel it may be of any help to you. Supporting a parent emotionally when you also have experienced loss is very hard. You may benefit from someone to talk things through, give you practical advise more specific then we can here online, to vent to and say ‘this stinks and I’m frustrated’ in a safe environment. You may decide this isn’t for you, but know it’s there, usually at no charge (included in your student fees).</p>
<p>Have to jump in and respond to my CC “namesake”! My impression is that you are responding to the issues with a lot of patience and maturity. It seems you genuinely want to resolve the conflict with your mom in a way that preserves the relationship. So, I am optimistic that you will succeed.</p>
<p>I have a D away at boarding school and when she is home on breaks, the first week is always a little tedious. She is adjusting to the family flow again and we are trying to understand that she is exhausted from a rigorous academic/sports schedule. She really does not want to do much but relax. It took us a while to see it from her perspective and we have eased up on obligations that we otherwise would have expected of her. I think your mom will get there too, but she is also dealing with a lot of other emotional issues. Rightly or wrongly she is looking for support from you.</p>
<p>I think you should give what you can without causing yourself too much distress. Maybe let your mom know what she can expect of you before you arrive, so she is not disappointed when you might not be up for too much shopping, lunch and family visiting. Perhaps let her know that “recharging your battery” is essential to your success at school. I am not sure that staying away from home is the answer. My instincts tell me that would not make either of you happy.</p>
<p>I’m wondering…are you a first-generation college student? I mean, did your mom attend a residential college? If not, you guys might be having a culture clash. Your college might have a program or support person who can help you navigate this clash. Your going to college is not only a time of change for you, but for mom, too. Think now about your plans for spring and summer break in relationship to mom.</p>