<p>OP–you said it all–“My life is no different than when I was 14”
That’s your family dynamic at the moment. It’s hard to grow up without the space and respect to do so. Parents would often keep their kids little forever if they could. It’s probably worse for you with a single parent since your mom has had to have total control for so long. I know you love your mom and don’t want to argue with her but unless you stand your ground (start small) it’ll be this way for a very long time.</p>
<p>Thanks, everybody! I actually am the first one in my immediate family to go away to college. My mom commuted to her University for her degree, I have a cousin who commuted to a community college, and neither my father nor my uncles/aunts received any kind of higher education. So there most likely is something going on with that. She fully supports my being in college, but I know that she always pressured me to commute. </p>
<p>As for my other breaks, I’m brainstorming on what I could do. I work full-time at my hometown job during spring break along with over-time during the summer, so it truly is convenient to be home. I also plan on studying abroad for 6 weeks this summer, so I know it’d be dumb to rent an off-campus apartment soon when I’d have that long of a period being away from it. I’m eligible to house in the student apartments next year, but I’m seriously debating about getting an apartment in the area where I can actually live year-round. My friends have said that it can actually be cheaper than on-campus housing if you find the right place and do the right things, so I’m looking into that (and possible roommates) as well. </p>
<p>It’s a really scary thought to completely move out, as in take my bed and all my furniture somewhere else and never be able to truly “come” home, but I wonder if that’s what we need.</p>
<p>harvestmoon, I think it may be premature to sign a lease just yet :). You have a few more vacations between now and the end of the school year to see if it gets better with your mom.</p>
<p>I am only the parent of a senior, but I have read many threads here on CC about the adjustment it can be when kids come home for vacation from school. I think your situation is a bit more extreme than most, but you are not the only one having some difficulty finding a balance with your mom when you come home, and of course most parents and college students don’t have the additional stressors of losing a spouse/parent so recently. I don’t know if you have already done so but you might want to post in the College Life forum and get some feedback from your peers on CC.</p>
<p>Well, so much for lists… Another fight about how I’m selfish because I don’t want to go grocery shopping with her for a “special dinner” that I don’t even want to have. </p>
<p>Oh, and I’m on my phone too much and I care about it more than her. </p>
<p>Oh well. At least I tried.</p>
<p>Harvest–look for the dynamics in your arguments and call attention to the language used. “Selfish” is strong language for not wanting to grocery shop. So is lazy, “bad attitude” etc. That language only escalates a situation and gets off-topic (you’re a bad person vs. no grocery shopping–wildly different).
Call her on it–make the point that the language doesn’t fit the “crime” and you don’t want to hear it anymore. You can do that without being argumentative but you need to stand your ground. Don’t apologize–you aren’t wrong to feel the way you do. Call her on it every time. (lessons from experience)</p>
<p>HM - Take a breath, don’t loose hope, know you did the right thing and made the effort. Your mom may not do this gracefully, and there will be stops and starts. Let her cool down. Try to keep a level head. Try again in a day or two.</p>
<p>oldmom brings up a good point. Although your situation is more extreme, and your family is facing extenuating circumstances dealing with the loss of your father most others aren’t, the frustration over a first year student returning for the first long break and related perceived ‘lazy’ behavior is a pretty common theme here on cc. Kids return home after a long semester of little privacy, they are ‘on’ all the time, making new friends, trying to navigate a new living environment, social environment, educational environment. They are working harder in their classes and doing more independent studying. At winter break they have just finished final exams and often have had a week or two of intense preparation, studying, little sleep, stress, rotten eating habits, and are dead on their feet. Home is a safety zone. Finally they don’t have to ‘please’ everyone around them, be on good behavior for fear of social consequences. They want to sleep, eat, do brain-zero activities like watch TV or netflix, text friends, or facebook. This can come as a shock to parents who are used to seeing their kids on the go, up and moving all the time, out and seeing their friends, involved in ECs, and family activities. It can be a stark contrast to the highschooler they sent to college in August. It depends on the parent if this bothers them. I view our home as a ‘safe haven’. College years are short and I am happy to accommodate winter break veg-outs. Other parents have a hard time initially but once they understand why their kids do this they are far more understanding. Some parents like order, activity, involvement, and this will always grate on their nerves. There’s no telling how your mom would have reacted to this by nature without the loss of your dad. Add to it the stress of wanting your companionship (which she feels you are withholding when she sees this behavior) and it may be a double whammy. I’m making stabs in the dark, I don’t know your mom, but you get the idea. Even without the loss of your dad this may very well have been an issue. Have you tried explaining why you are wanting to just ‘chill-out’? (recharge from the stress of the first semester). This may or may not fall on deaf ears.</p>
<p>Again, deep breaths. You will be back at school soon. Be gentle to yourself, this is not easy. Try again in a few days.</p>
<p>And call her on the guilt trips too. “Yes, mom, I love you but I’m going to be on the phone too. One doesn’t have anything to do with the other.”<br>
“Thanks for thinking about the special dinner but I really don’t care to grocery shop. Maybe we could fix something else if it’s easier.”
“I do sleep late sometimes at home. It’s a real luxury and makes me feel better. I’m really happy when I get the chance.”
Don’t start the lines with Sorry! or apologize!</p>
<p>But don’t say “I didn’t even want a special dinner! So there!” LOL</p>
<p>Wondering what the “special dinner” was for? Or maybe your mom is trying to re-create more of a family atmosphere that was present when your dad was with you? Not sure of the dynamics here, but I think I might have given in on this one and gone shopping for the dinner.</p>
<p>Well, me too. We have lots of “special dinners”. Mostly just things I never fix unless a kid shows up. Better yet when the kid does the grocery shopping instead that makes it really special!</p>
<p>Good point, it’s NYE. We always make a special family dinner. Even if this hasn’t been a tradition the mom may be looking for ways to solidify the two as a family and bring them together. Old traditions may be bittersweet, forging some new ones together is honestly a good thing.</p>
<p>harvestmoon, maybe you could tolerate shopping for and making the special dinner together, as an investment in giving your mom what she wants. If you have plans for tonight, suggest that you do it tomorrow to start the new year, or whatever–3 Kings Day is Monday! If you can manage to do this, give her your full attention (no phone!), and my guess is that it may reassure her that she’s not losing you and doesn’t need to try to control you–that you will always be her daughter.</p>
<p>blueiguana, You said it well in the post #46. Many freshmen and their parents are exactly like that.</p>
<p>I heard (and had my own experience as a parent when DS was that age as well) that the winter break in the freshman year tends to the most stressful break for many families due to the various reasons explained by blueiguana.</p>
<p>I also want to point out that if the child is the only child, her/his kernel family is very small and the interaction with extended families or family friends is not much, it is harder for the parents to “cut the cord”. Been there, done that – considering how much I was criticized by my fellow CCers for “stepping over” my child’s life recently (and he’s not a new college student!) The best thing that happened to him and us is that he went very far away to college. This gave him some badly needed space. We just gave him too much attention when he lived with us.</p>
<p>Oh…he once said to us that I had been obsessed about whether he should or should not take a particular class for 3 years! And if he allowed us to do it in our way, he would need to wash his underwears once per six months. Reflecting on what we have done, we could have been as “bad” as OP’s parent. (But we did not drag him to shop (esp., groceries) when he was not willing to go out with us.) Our conflicts were mostly that, when we want to do something for him, he declines and thinks we “baby” him too much. Kind of “power struggle” in his process of becoming independent as an adult.</p>
<p>OP, it will get better from here however the slow and painful process it may be. Just be patient.</p>
<p>Agree with oldmom about going to the special dinner FOR NOW. Your parent need time to adjust the change of the relationship when you become an adult too. Be kind to her for this time because she still has a difficult time to adjust her life with you.</p>
<p>Thanks again, everyone. </p>
<p>I ended up going, but I told her that she hurt my feelings by not respecting our list and schedule. She kind of fluffed it off and I don’t know if it meant anything to her since she got what she wanted, but I tried. </p>
<p>I will definitely employ those ways of talking to her. If it’s logical and factual, then she can’t hide from it. </p>
<p>And to clarify, I’m actually a sophomore, but this is my first real time away from home. I stayed at school for a few months (with multiple trips per week home) last year but then came home because it was all too much. I wasn’t ready. I realize this probably worsens my situation because perhaps she’s just waiting for me to move home again, but this time, I’m NOT. I’ve grown a lot and I’m happy at school, and I just want her to understand that. I’d like her to be happy for me for overcoming everything, and hopefully, she is deep inside around her own feelings</p>
<p>Good luck to you, HM. You will make it and do well. Moving away from mom is always two steps forward and one step back – but it’s especially difficult when she is pulling you back. Hang in there.</p>
<p>My parents were always like that–live at home for two minutes and somehow you turn back into a little kid rather than the adult you are. Parents control, kids try to please.
Unfortunately parents aren’t there watching you turn into an adult so they lack that perspective–when you return home they still see you as the unsure kid who just left them. It’s tough. </p>
<p>Recognizing patterns (language, certain manipulations “the famous guilt trip”) helps you if not diffuse situations at least feel more in control. It has nothing to do with who loves who more. It’s simply a way to help break in what a lot of cases is habit.</p>
<p>Deborah Tannen has several good books that explore language. One is “You’re Wearing THAT!?” (obviously dialogue between moms and daughters), “That’s Not what I meant” and another about talking to parents and sibs as adults (haven’t read this one).
Very enlightening as well as entertaining books.</p>
<p>I think I have learned something from several posters here, even though I am on “the other side of the fence.” Thanks.</p>
<p>OP, my wife was in your shoes when she’s your age. (I was dating with her and gave her lots of supports then, so I knew.) So I know how you likely feel. Her mother was very “vulnerable” without her active support all through her college, and it took some toll on her. Her father walked out of their lives and potentially he could take all the assets if it was not handled properly. She basically needed to help “defend” her mother from her father. Very sad period of their life. They got through those difficult years and they are still very close to each other today.</p>