So long as women talk about men “helping out,” we have not attained equality. Helping isn’t sharing.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/10/opinion/sunday/judith-shulevitz-mom-the-designated-worrier.html
I’m gonna take a wild stab here… Cozi (the app mentioned) gave a couple grand to Judith Shulevitz to write this article, and that’s the only reason this exists. Or maybe they paid the NYTimes directly, I’m not really sure how it works behind the scenes.
This reads like a failure of reporting… There’s some numbers and stats, all of which are tangential and irrelevant to the introduced concept. There are these weird “stories” about… I don’t know. And seems to forget its point. If the article is about this “worry work” then why are they then later talking about hours spent caring for the child directly?
And what is this stuff about animals casting off weak offspring? How on earth is that relevant to the topic at all?
Too late to edit.
I’m still thinking on it, maybe that casting the weak offspring off is to scare people? So they think that if they can’t figure out some way to divide this “worry work” (despite the the fact that there was nothing linking these two together, people may be associating them together since they’re in the same article) they’ll end up being neglectful to their kid, and Cozi is here to save them.
It’s a bit disappointing because this is an interesting concept. But this article sucks.
Seems to be a couple of anti-mom / woe is mom articles lately. I suppose in reaction to Mother’s day?
The one about “don’t give your mom flowers because it’s killing the planet” had me laughing; probably not what the writer wanted.
Calling this “worry work” belittles the actual household management, attention to education and health care, and travel organization that actually constitute the “worry work.” Example: Me, to spouse, “Do you need anything from the grocery store?” Spouse: “No.” (Me, thinking to self: “Well, we are about to run completely out of toilet paper.”)
Mom: The Designated Warrior
^^^
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Example: Me, to spouse, "Do you need anything from the grocery store?" Spouse: "No." (Me, thinking to self: "Well, we are about to run completely out of toilet paper.")
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lol…Two days ago H went to Sams Club for something he needed. We need TP. I asked him if he picked some up. Never crossed his mind. So, guess where I went yesterday to get TP and the various other stuff WE needed.
Unless a mom has little to no executive function skills, the mom is usually the designated planner, the organizer, and the keep-all-the-plates-in-the-air person. My SIL is an equity partner of a major Chicago law firm. Her H is a SAHD. Yet, she still has to do many of the so-called “traditional mom” stuff because those things just aren’t on her H’s radar.
I like to think of myself as the Designated Dictator for Life. If I keep track of this stuff, then I can decide what gets kept track of.
I can’t find it now but within the last month or so, I read an article about corporate success for women. One of the problems mentioned is that women tend to take on routine boring tasks that don’t impress anyone. A woman replied: but if I don’t do it, no one will do it. And it needs to be done."
I have always been a single mom so I am the designated everything but i thought the piece was interesting.
Ha I just came across this. I’m good friends with Pam from the article. We had these discussions in her course last year and I never could relate. My fiance is definitely the one that keeps it all together.
I do think the historical trends are interesting though. And I do wish women, in general, would worry less.
I find the article to be spot on. I have been frustrated many times with the way “everyone” in my life counts on me to keep all the family, team, community, and workplace balls in the air. When I am truly overwhelmed, it comes out as “I cannot be everyone’s back up plan”. However, I think part of the issue is attitude. Instead of being frustrated by the expectation, I have decided to celebrate this ability in myself and those around me. After all, it IS a form of leadership. You either come by it naturally or you try to develop it. It is valued but not in quite the same way as being charismatic or inspirational. I delegate to those that want to be involved but cannot quite see how everything must mesh. I thank those that take on a piece of the puzzle and complete their part well. I prioritize as necessary and let things wait, if they must, in the interest of everything else that must move forward. Workplaces are just hoping that those with this skill will devote ALL of it to the workplace. That is not reality unless you have someone else in your household with at least some of that same ability. My DD is one of those people. I can already count on her to handle things that MUST get done and she already prioritizes quite well. Too bad finding the floor in her room is not often the priority…
Oh and phrases like “helping out” and “babysitting” are not used in our home. I might keep track of most of it but it is clearly understood that I am not solely responsible for it all.
I can’t relate. DH manages our household. When he would take the kids out when young, people would ask him if he was “babysitting.” He would respond with, “no, they’re mine!”
My DH carries his weight x 10. I have no complaints, even though he seems not to understand that the empty dishwasher right next to the sink is begging for his dirty dishes, and he never ever cooks (save the rare bbq grill escapade). Our family would be in far different shape if not for the extraordinary work ethic of DH. I can “worry” enough for the both of us, and usually do.
Interesting. I agree, and in our family it is DH who has it, not because he is a man, but it is something he was born with. He also has an extraordinary amount of energy, which I also think is an inborn quality or not.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a way to double-like or triple-like #10, but I think it is exactly right. Moreover, the quality that Cheeringsection is writing about might have been called “executive ability,” if it were being predominantly shown by men. Just my opinion.
I’ve long been dissed in my family for worrying too much. But lo and behold when someone needs something?
Hey mom! Where’s this? Where’s that? Got any of this, that or the other? Not their fault–it’s really mine. My brain is filled with minutia that crowds out actual thinking at times. I’ve marveled at my ability at times to keep track of just about every mislaid object in the house. My brain takes special notes I think. I think way ahead for all sorts of possible scenarios–probably stemming from 25 plus years of having kids around. I’m just now regaining control of my OWN stuff (everybody else is finally on their own.)
"I’ve long been dissed in my family for worrying too much. But lo and behold when someone needs something?
Hey mom! Where’s this? Where’s that? Got any of this, that or the other? Not their fault–it’s really mine. My brain is filled with minutia that crowds out actual thinking at times. I’ve marveled at my ability at times to keep track of just about every mislaid object in the house. My brain takes special notes I think. I think way ahead for all sorts of possible scenarios–probably stemming from 25 plus years of having kids around. "
Oh yes, that is exactly my life! Family annoyed because I’m always trying to do things for them, figure things out, organize everything. However, when they need something or have lost something, yep, I’m the go to person. I like to think of myself as the boss, but my husband thinks of me as the secretary…so I guess it works for both of us.
I’m with you, gouf and busdriver. Everyone counts on me to keep track of things, but then accuses me of being a control freak. But if I try to relinquish control, they keep coming to me with questions and problems anyway. It’s a no win situation.
I don’t have a problem admitting I run my household like a four -star general.
But seriously, my husband does lots of stuff in my household and he took care of my kids much better than I did when the kids were younger.
You are all much nicer moms than mine. Sometimes she remembers where things are, but not any more than any other random person. If I ask her and she doesn’t know (which is more often than not) she just says “Probably wherever you put it last.”
Luckily, now I have a “wife” that keeps track of everything.
Yup. Agree.
DH thinks our workload is even because he mows the grass and gets the cars serviced. So then I list the dozens of things I do and keep track of to keep the household running smoothly - things that he has no idea about. Playing tit for tat is not helpful, but I truly worry what he would do if something happened to me!