<p>As the articles suggest, we are working harder and harder, and not getting anywhere. I don’t know how we got to this point, but I look at people and they remind me of hamsters running in a cage.</p>
<p>Are we really better off as a society now than 35 years ago? Do we really need the latest gadgets. Motorola is making a cell phone built into a ski jacket–Now you can ski and keep in contact with the world at the same time. This is good? This is progress?</p>
<p>When did a married couple working 90 hours a week combined, become a value we treasure in this country?</p>
<p>This is an entrapment question for anyone answering it. No matter which answer is given, it’ll be the wrong one. I cannot say that we should return to the original mom-at-home family life without the question about why not dad-at-home. I cannot say that both parents should be out climbing the corporate ladder because then I’m against family life. Each parent has to answer that one for him/herself.</p>
<p>I can say this (it’s a good thing I’m not President of Harvard): I honestly think that while both men and women are capable and desirous of having a career and working (outside the home) to their potentials, women (innately? culturally?) self-assume a greater responsibility for the home life than men do. It’s not that a man will expect a woman to pick up the slack with the hundreds of things that need to be done around the house… it’s just that the women CARE more that it gets done.</p>
<p>Oh boy, am I getting myself into trouble here…</p>
<p>Except they’re not in a cage. I don’t really feel sorry for people who work more than they have to, to get more and more material things, bigger and better houses, cars, whatever. It’s their choice and I respect that. But I don’t respect complaining about the choices you make.</p>
<p>I for one did put my children in many activies. The reason for this was because I never had those opportunites. I can’t wait to see if my daughter does the opposite of what she had as a child!
I agree with Digmedia that women have more of a propensity for child rearing and ‘nesting’. I’m recalling those times when my husband’s suggestions for the home did not match mine and who ultimately won out. And time and again you hear of situations where men, when left to too many responsibilities with small children have turned to violence.
Materialism drives out economy. It’s what the U.S.A. is all about and has kept us a prosperous nation. I’m not saying this is the way to live but it’s kind of how it goes here!</p>
<p>I hear a lot of complaints about everything. Many, many people hate their jobs whether it is in an office, out in a field or at home. Children complicate the emotion because of the strong emotions attached to what is yours. I am not convinced that the stay at home moms from the previous generation were so happy either even with society fully behind their life styles. I think it is more something inherent to a person as to whether or not they are happy with their lives. Some of these moms who have excelled at everything in their lives find it very difficult to deal with children because there is not necessarily an immediate cause and effect with the quality of the job you are doing raising them. I have seen some terrific moms with kids from hell–some do turn out just fine, but living with the little devils all of those years is enough to make a saint throw up her arms, and wonder what she is doing wrong.</p>
<p>I agree, digimedia. There is really nothing to say to this. It is such an individual decision that comments are indefensible.</p>
<p>But I do disagree with the article’s premise that many mothers cannot afford to stay home with their children. They merely have to be prepared to make the sacrifice. If, and again, this is an individual decision, the mother chooses to stay home, then there will be consequences financially. My mom stayed home until I was about eleven, and then she only worked part-time, right next door. We were very poor, but it was worth it to our family.</p>
<p>I also did not like the sarcastic, scornful tone. I am a firm believer that children who are raised by a constant, loving person turn out to be happier children. It is not wrong for mothers (or fathers) to make that sacrifice. In fact, it is a burden they take on when they concieve a child.</p>
<p>But I cannot disagree with her conclusion that mothers DO need more options, especially point three: “We need flexible, affordable, locally available, high-quality part-time day care so that stay-at-home moms can get a life of their own.” However, I do wonder if she is willing to pay the extra taxes that would entail.</p>
<p>I actually married my husband because he has much more interest in being organized than I do. I thought maybe he would be a good influence. I do think that parents should share the time commitment to children, but how it has worked out for our family is that I have been home mostly, since my H makes more salary for hours.
However if he had been more flexible, it is likely that my salary would have been able to be increased and I would be making at least equal salary.
I think it should be a choice for more people. Many families do need more money to survive. It isn’t a choice of one partner working and having to settle for Disneyland over having both work and going to Milan. It is more a case of one working and getting two meals a day and having two work and possibly being able to have health coverage as well.</p>
<p>I also know other families who have the spouse who makes the most, out in the work force and the other stay at home. Sometimes it is the woman, but not always. I know a lot of dads who are much more nuturing and attuned to the slow paced life of being the primary caretaker than their wives are.
I spent a lot of time with my kids when they were growing up, but I have nothing against good child care. I think good child care should be a priority for this country, affordable for families, and paying a living wage for those employed in the field.
The coat check girl should not earn more an hour than those who care for our children.</p>
<p>Here the perplexing thing about modern life. It used to be that inventions saved us time & effort-- increased our leisure time (Washing machine, oven, etc.) Then starting about 1990s, inventions began causing work to be on a 24 hour clock (fax machines in your glove compartment, cell phones, etc.) I think now every new innovation just reduces the amount of time we spend enjoying life & “off duty.” Hamster wheel indeed.</p>
<p>Oh, I just re-read my post and realized how horrible I sound.</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to say that everyone can stay home with their kids, if they really want to. That’s not feasible for everyone, and, like you said, emeraldkity, it is often a matter of necessities. I was trying to talk about those the article seems to be adressing, for whom working is a matter of convenient money, for that vacation, rather than for food.</p>
<p>For me to some degree, working has been a matter of money for the private school we’ve wanted to keep our children in, and saving for their college educations. (I’ll admit, though, that I would have gone stark raving mad if I’d had to stay home with my kids when they were little: I thank my lucky stars for good child care.)</p>
<p>Good child care is an absolute necessity and needs to be valued, and paid for, appropriately. (And on the other end, good elder care needs the same attention – can you tell I’ve officially joined the sandwich generation?)</p>
<p>I can tell you, Tanstaafl, as a mom who did stay home with the kids on an income that just did not cover the expenses, that it is really tough. And unlike alot of the women who grew up in homes where money was no issue, I was raised in an austere household, was a scholarship student at college and had to penny pinch those single years as well. With the kids it is really tough. Things like safe neighborhoods really become an issue. We always lived in a student ghetto with the kids in cities like Cleveland, Chicago, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and I daresay most student whose folks post on this board live in better digs than we did. By ourselves, H and I were fine, but when you throw kids into the equation, well, it becomes a problem. My brother who recently married lives in a 5th floor walk up in Manhattan. Its a tiny, dark, dreary apartment that they have decorated and kept very barebones. It’s really fine for them. Can you imagine hauling baby, stroller, bag and groceries up those flights? And you know the junk you get with a baby–no room for even a high chair to be added in that kitchen. If they have kids, they’ll have to move or be in very cramped quarters. The crowning blow came when one of my kids came down with a lifethreatening disease. The fundraising department of the hospial basically gave us tin cans to put his picture on and give to conveniece stores to collect change. We had health insurance but university health is really bare bones and did not cover an expensive procedure that was possibly on the agenda for him. And I wanted them to have music lessons, learn to skate, do the sports. Well, even the city programs charge and fee and multiplying by the number of kids we had came up with figures that were enormous. Then when it was clear th</p>
<p>As others have said, there is no one answer to the working/staying home question for mothers of young kids. It is a personal decision. Among other factors, it depends on the job (how flexible it is) and the quality of the daycare available. I was fortunate to work in a rather flexible job in the field for which I went to graduate school while my children were young, and they were in a daycare which I was totally comfortable with. Many of my coworkers are women and men who have/had their kids in daycare too. In my field, if a person leaves the workforce for several years, it is difficult or impossible to return. So now I am in the fortunate position of being able to tell my kids they can attend the college of their choice, as we can afford the fees without aid or scholarship (although we are happy for any that come our way ) My sister, on the other hand, stayed out of the workforce for about 11 years, until her youngest of three was in first grade. She works very hard for a very low salary, and her kids are restricted to applying to colleges where they can get huge scholarships. She is happy with her decision to stay at home, but she is constantly worried about her expenses for college and everything else.<br>
I often read that it is desirable for a parent to stay home with the kids when they are young - I can not argue with this in theory, but I can honestly say I have seen no undesirable effects or impacts in my kids or my coworkers’ kids from their parents working when they were young. We all talk about our kids a lot in our free time and most of us have been working together for a very long time and know each other well. Most of them are very good students with no abnormal behavior problems, similar to the kids you hear about on this board. Maybe the situation is different with people who have 60-80 hours a week jobs instead of 35 hours a week - I cannot speak to that as I have no personal knowledge.
On the lighter side, the cover picture of the Newsweek Mommy Madness issue is very funny - everyone should look at it online or in person on paper.</p>
<p>The book upon which the article is based is profiled in today’s NY Times Book Review. (at least, I assume it is the same author). You can also find the review online on nytimes.com.</p>
<p>Jamimom, not to complain, but I do identify. We, all five of us, lived in a two-room basement (although they were sizeable rooms) for four years from when I was eight until I was twelve, since we only had one income that could not even cover basics. I’m not sure where we ever got clothing - I can’t remember, but I am certain that it was never anywhere but at a thrift store, if that. I remember it being a big step up to actually buy clothes from wal-mart. I, and my brothers, have been homeschooled all our lives. We did not consider public schools an option, especially in our area, and private schools required tuition. My mom had a masters from a top public university. We never had money for e.c.'s that cost anything. Even at the stage where I would have wanted to take music lessons, we couldn’t afford anything extra. I would have loved to ride and show horses. Again, too expensive. </p>
<p>Having said that, I don’t regret it or wish my mom had made a different decision. I grew up in the country, where I spent wonderful years outdoors on a farm (the one we rented on). I got to milk goats, play with dogs, and go mud-sliding. I got a great education, because my mom stayed home. And we’ve now come a long way from that financial low. Would this work for everyone? No. Again, I’m not judging anyone. But, I, personally, am glad.</p>
<p>citynjpamom; Oh I was referring to sad news stories.
Concerning children, some people want them and will move mountains once they have them. Others, and I see this with those who grew up with many siblings, are more inclined towards a very small family or none. I was of the latter. You make do, clip coupons, go with one car or none, shop in thrift or clearance stores, grow your vegetables, make homemade gifts at Christmas, learn the REAL value of a bargain- AND HAVE AN ABSOLUTE BALL! Yep, my family is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I remember one Christmas my sister came over and was appalled we only had homemade decorations on the Christmas tree, hey, that was the best tree we ever had!</p>
<p>Many, many women would like to stay home with their children and can’t afford to do so. Many, many others would like to be able to work part-time but can’t afford or find the way to do so. Many others would like to be able to maintain their full-time careers without either being devoured by their jobs or losing ground, and they can’t do that. And there is no hope at all for any of these women on the horizon</p>
<p>You just can’t have it all! Whomever said we could was lying. Everyone just has to find their own balance…their own way of making it work. </p>
<p>I do believe we need to get away from thinking that motherhood is supposed to stress us out. I remember feeling quite overwhelmed about something a couple of years ago and having my own mother look at me and say “welcome to motherhood”. Well, that is now one of those many “never do/never say” things I have tucked into my memory for the time when my own daughter (and son) has children of her own. I think that was a horrible answer. There are solutions and/or ways to deal with every problem. Once you lose your will to empower yourself to solve problems and have a good life, you lose hope for anything more for yourself.</p>
<p>The point is, some people think everything has to be perfect. It does not have to be perfect. You don’t have to have a house or disposable diapers or be set for life to have a child. You can even work FULL time and have a child.Maybe you will just roll around a bit and it be hand to mouth, maybe you will have to go back to work. It dose not have to be perfect.</p>
<p>BHG, I think there’s lots of confusion going on with the message: WHat I’ve read here about the need for having children later is more for the benefit of the mother than the child. i.e. “As amom, I need to have two degrees and a career before I can feel complete enough to start a family” .
That’s fine…and I can understand it. But, let’s not confuse that with what’s best for the child. </p>
<p>Children don’t need 40 yr old mommies with MBAs, PhDs or JDs. </p>
<p>BUT, if your education or career is a distraction from your children, then you should definitely postpone children until you have completed the other priority items in your life. </p>
<p>Or, you can have your children younger and postpone the other priorities until later. </p>
<p>My point is, either way, don’t try to do both at one.</p>
) My sister, on the other hand, stayed out of the workforce for about 11 years, until her youngest of three was in first grade. She works very hard for a very low salary, and her kids are restricted to applying to colleges where they can get huge scholarships. She is happy with her decision to stay at home, but she is constantly worried about her expenses for college and everything else.<br>