<p>I have a middle schooler. He still tells me alot of what goes on at school with his classmates, and some of them are getting into things that they shouldn’t. I know for a fact that I’m more conservative (and more involved) than alot of other parents. I’m also more realistic and don’t turn a blind eye with my own kids when something doesn’t seem right. Over the past couple of years I’ve sort of determined that I’ll only pick up the phone and call another parent if 1)something going on at their house is impacting my kids when they’re over there (ie guns in house) or 2) I’ve heard that the safety of the other child is an issue (ie girls meeting strangers on internet and scheduling a date)…I think I “sit well” with that decision, but do any of you have any feedback on this?</p>
<p>I am not a mom/parent, but
- something going on at their house is impacting my kids when they’re over there (ie guns in house)
I don’t think there’d be any lines if I felt my kid was in any way endangered… Other people’s kids… ehhhh- Maybe if my kid was friends with the other kid and/or I knew their parents. It’d still be hard. It’d be kind. Id be annoyed if my mom called the parents of my friends every time I told them something about them unless I ask them. When I tell my mom stuff Im usually seeking advice on how I can remedy the situation myself.</p>
<p>dke~</p>
<p>This is a very slippery slope, and I managed to fall down it last year. I lost my best friend of ten years when I approached her about some things I considered alarming in her daughter’s online blog. My daughter and another friend had become privy to some information, and they brought it to me. The content was about suicide and an eating disorder.</p>
<p>I feel like I did the right thing in spite of the result (the loss of the friendship and her daughter’s not receiving any services anyway because mom was and still is in denial). However, I would caution you to the think very hard before you approach another child’s parents. To me, your parameters are perfect and should serve as your guide. </p>
<p>I spend the majority of time and effort in the protection of my own children to make sure they don’t get caught up in these destructive type things. If I feel that THEY are or will be impacted, I have no problem intervening, but I fully realize that I cannot parent the entire world. </p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>its a tricky issue
Kids often misintpret and exagerate what they hear or think they hear, so that can get in the way of finding out what is going on.
But parents can also feel threatened or defensive, when you try and get accurate information.
I found that getting a relationship with other parents, by joining in carpools, talking at school events or sporting events, helps a lot when something does come up. then you are a known entity and not just calling them because something is the matter.
I think that might work better, than waiting till there is a concern.</p>
<p>Best method I’ve found for these types of things…avoid confronting other parents and call the school counselor and/or principal. Have a confidential conversation regarding your concerns. It is their job to investigate these matters and deal with both kids and parents about inappropriate behavior.</p>
<p>I’m a mom of a teenage daughter. I’d be careful about calling another mom about a situation, unless my D was directly involved in that situation. I know my D would not confide in me if she thought I was calling moms every time she told me something about her friends. Also, moms tend to be defensive about their children, even if the information you are imparting to them is correct. That mom may see your call as a commentary on her lack of parenting or lack of knowledge about her child. The only time I have called a mom about a problem with her child involved a situation first, where I knew that mom very well, and second, where my D was directly involved in the situation. That incident involved a situation where my daughter had chosen to leave a gathering early because teens at that gathering had started consuming alcohol. She didn’t feel comfortable, so she left. The next day, I did call the mom, and informed her that there was drinking at her house, and that my D would probably not attend any such gatherings at her house. She took it pretty well, and did acknowledge that drinking had occurred when she had left the teens unsupervised. If my D had not been at the gathering, I don’t know that I would have called the mom.</p>
<p>berurah, I feel you did the right thing too, although if your daughters school had a health clinic/counselor, it might have also been a possiblity for the girls friends to have an intervention, like my daughters friends had for her, and they had for another friend on similar but different issues.</p>
<p>It was wonderful that they felt they could go to an adult for help, but how frustating that the parent discounted it in your case.
In my case- while I was aware that my daughter was depressed- coincidentally I only found out the extent, at the same time the counselor called me to tell me about the meeting her friends had arranged. So since it wasn’t a surprise to me, I didn’t feel defensive, i was glad that she had friends who cared so much about her, and it verified my feeling that she needed more help than I could give her. ( something that was very important- because my husband- was totally in denial and argued that I was blowing it out of proportion)</p>
<p>I like the golden rule approach: Would I want to know the same information about my child? I know a couple of kids who have posted information on a xanga site that readily identified them and I did tell their parents. However, I also saw postings from another friend of my child’s that I found raw and shocking but did not tell the parents because I do not know them at all and think that they probably do know what’s going on. So far I’ve just made it inconveinent for my son and this boy to get together.</p>
<p>It really depends on the other parent’s attitude, how well you know them, and how defensive they might be. Also, the accuracy of the info and the helpfulness of telling them!</p>
<p>It is so true that kids can present a skewed picture of circumstances. One rule of thumb is, “what would/could you do if some one called you about the same situation”</p>
<p>For instance, I called my friend about her D drinking at school, she was greatful to hear it before the principal called, to be mentally prepared, but she let it slip that I wanred her and my D took some heat from people on campus. But, it was good to have time to mentally prepare.</p>
<p>So, think about why you are telling.</p>
<p>Also, if you can find a way to defuse the situation from any need for defensiveness, anything to allow the parent to listen to what you are saying, by presenting a “parents as a team” attitude could help. </p>
<p>I try to think about what benefit could come of the conversation and ways to present the info which are inoffensive and will not result in automatic defensiveness, which would prevent the parent from really listening to what you are saying.</p>
<p>I have a few close friends with whom I have shared the trials & tribulations of the teens and we can all be pretty straight with each other, because of the trust we developed.</p>
<p>For online content, it is tough to know if the kid really means what they say or is posting to get reactions. You might simply give the parent the link.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p><<for online=“” content,=“” it=“” is=“” tough=“” to=“” know=“” if=“” the=“” kid=“” really=“” means=“” what=“” they=“” say=“” or=“” posting=“” get=“” reactions.=“” you=“” might=“” simply=“” give=“” parent=“” link=“”>></for></p>
<p>This is unfortunately very true, and it’s not necessarily a modern-day phenom. Back in the 70’s in high school our English class was given the assignment of writing a “scary halloween story”. I did. By today’s standards it was probably pretty tame, but yeah, it was a little disturbing. The problem was that (a) I was new to the school so nobody really knew me enough to know that I was simply following the darn instructions to write a scary story, and (b) unbenownst to me when I wrote the darn thing, the teacher made us all read our essays in front of the class. </p>
<p>Well. A few phone calls and a trip to the school’s GC later, it was finally determined that I was not suicidal, nor were any of my friends. It was SO humiliating. Got an “A” though. :)</p>
<p>In retrospect, however, it was probably better safe than sorry, and if I were to be confronted with my situation as a parent, I would make a phone call just to make sure things were okay.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your feedback. It kind of confirms what I’ve been thinking. I just couldn’t have lived with myself if this girl met some predator on the internet and had something terrible happen to her if she agreed to meet him somewhere. On the other hand, I want my son to know that (most) of what he tells me will be in confidence. A tough line to walk.</p>
<p>I knew about an establishment that was allowing underage smoking - ich - so I notified the health department and the bar and the police, the y handled it</p>
<p>If it involved the life of a child- ie eating disorder, drinking and driving, unsafe sex, suicide, I would call the counselor and the parents</p>
<p>A parental secret- you can always print out the page, as it is “public”, and mail it to the parent. They can see for themselves what everyone else sees. I know a parent who did that when kids were talking about who to get the pot from, where to steal the booze and whose parents didn’t care if they were drunk at their house</p>
<p>It was an open forum and man it opened some eyes</p>
<p>i would rather lose a friend than lose a child knowing that I could have made a phone call</p>
<p>When my D was in middle school she and a friend came to me about a friend who talked about hurting himself. i called our clergyman to calm myself down and get some clarity, then I called the mom. She knew her son had “stuff” going on, but didn’t realize how serious it was. I don’t know if I, acting on my Ds behalf actually saved a life, but at least I know that I did no harm. Imagine if that young man had followed through on his ideas, we would have been devasted if my D hadn’t told me and I hadn’t listened to what she had to say and we all didn’t take it seriouslly</p>
<p>Another girl was cutting herself and her friends banded together and told the counselor who stepped in. The girl of course was furious and still is mad, but that’s okay.</p>
<p>A parental secret- anything posted on the web that is in an open forum, ie myspace, faceplace, chat rooms, etc is fair game</p>
<p>Print out the page of concern and send it to the parents, they can then see with their own eyes the danger someone may be in</p>
<p>I have NO PROBLEM with this if it is serious- drinking and driving, unprotected sex, drugs, bullying- if it is jsut talk, and usual teen stuff, I would ignore it, but some things are what you wish you lived in a small town for, so the nost neighbors would tell you your daughter is in the local bar at 15 with a fake ID</p>
<p>I saw some bullying going on between girls, talking about taking a girl out, and calling names, etc, It was vicous stuff, so I emailed the counselor at the school, with the links. Next day, the posts were gone. The posts were threatening her life and it was important that it be handled. If I had just called, the kdis would have been warned and deleted the posts themselves, but with the links in the counselors hands, who printed out the threats by about ten girls, they couldn’t say it was nothing, boys werre getting into it. It was all about a boy.</p>
<p>dke:
Not to change the subject – but did you get your puppy?</p>
<p>cgm: Not if your kid shows you it and it has a little lock in the corner – then it’s private communication, the same as if you took an email from their kid to your kid and passed it on.</p>
<p>If you want to do that, take the URL and paste it in an email to yourself, then check from a different computer. Your kid may be logged in and able to see it, while the rest of the world can’t.</p>
<p>And I think sending the councilor the links was a brilliant move.</p>
<p>Denial is very common with parents whose kids have “issues” myself included. Two parents called me over a year and a half ago to say that my D was doing drugs at a party. I laughed it off and said “thanks for your concern but it isn’t possible”. It lodged a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach and eventually I “woke up”. I later thanked those parents for the calls after my D received help. I in turn have called a parent who reacted exactly as I did and one who was very angry at me and accused me of lying. I’m sorry you lost a friend Berurah but I think you absolutely did the right thing.</p>
<p>Weenie, you have some memory! Thanks to my pals here on Parents Cafe I settled on a Havanese…supposedly due this Sunday (birth) with pickup over Spring Break. Thanks for asking. We told the kids on Christmas morning. They went ballistic as expected…!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>kyedor~</p>
<p>I am so stunned (in a GREAT way) by your candor here. Wow…</p>
<p>You are to be commended not only for overcoming any denial to deal with your daughter’s issue, but also for your openness in recounting that story here. My hat’s off to you.</p>
<p>with fondness and respect, ~berurah</p>
<p>Keep the school out of it. First of all, no public school can really regulate what kids do out of school - the only possible threat they have about such matters is possible suspension of ECs, and that occurs only for alcohol/drug violations (at least as far as I’ve heard). Second of all, once institutions are involved you never know when they will stop or draw the line - nor do you know how serious they’ll make the issue. Telling an authority (or anyone not involved int he incident, really) takes the power out of your hands and gives it to them, because they can then continue to take whatever measures they feel necesscary.</p>
<p>I will say that if you parents want to meddle you had best do it secretly - I would never say another word about my friends/life to my parents if they meddled in things I told them about. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a parent really “getting away” (in terms of their kid finding out) with telling other parents private information.</p>
<p>In our case lucifer, the kids told their parents that they were worried about my D and asked them to let me know what was going on. They were wonderful friends for doing this without worrying about social repercussions and my D now greatly appreciates what they did after initially being angry at them. They are truly “friends”. I wouldn’t worry about being thought of as “meddlesome” if I thought I could help a parent get their child the help they need. Why don’t you check back in on the subject once your child is a teen ;)</p>