<p>principals and counselors are not the enemy- why shouldn’t they be contacted if a student is putting himself/others at risk?
They likely know more about the situation than another parent does, and knows how to contact the family and who is a “safe” contact within that family.
there may be an unstable situation at home- no contact orders- etc which could cause more problems if not handled with care- I say contact the counselor and then follow up to be sure that the information was passed along.
( this was a case of school officials not following up and someone died- )
<a href=“http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/169393_jasmer16.html[/url]”>http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/169393_jasmer16.html</a></p>
<p>I was talkng about myspaces, etc which are pretty public, yeah, sure some only allow “friends” so look, but that is hundreds of people</p>
<p>Sure, email is private, but if kids pt stuff out into public cyber space,there really is no expectation of privacy and if they are doing something dangerous, its almost as if they are flaunting it an daring to get caught</p>
<p>I would never break into anything, but if you explore some of these open forums, its easy to move around</p>
<p>These girls were friends of friends and easy to follow the bullying, I think the link did help</p>
<p>and sometimes, as a kid, it is a good idea to tell your parents things that are way beyond your control about other kids</p>
<p>so there is some fallout, do you really care if a kid is mad at you if you may have saved a life></p>
<p>CGM: There are filters which may be limited to one or two people (I know I have several set up that way). The whole point is that some of these things may not be public.</p>
<p>If it is public, it’s absolutely fair game. And if someone’s life is in danger (gang affiliation, hard drug use, etc), then yeah, reporting to the parent and the school is an absolute must.</p>
<p>In other cases, in my opinion it’s better to get a non-parent in contact with the kid first to get what’s actually going on. Those postings are probably not the entire story.</p>
<p>That is what I am saying, I mean if two girls are chatting back and forth about another girl, that is one thing, but to publically talk about “taking her out” and making her bald, and worse, well, that is time to step in
Those stories were pretty clear, and it was obvious that momentum was building as the initial event happened on a Friday, and on Tuesday, the comments were getting worse, not better. I was shocked at what nice prep school girls would say, all over a pretty sleezy boy. I wish I had th e link still to show you.
But as adults, if we see something that is life threatening, bullying, dangerous, etc, it is our responsibilty to say something</p>
<p>So someone gets mad, big whoop</p>
<p>I have one mom who is mad at me, but her daughter was a bully whose behavior was so bad another girl wanted to hurt herself. Do I care if that mom is mad at me. Nope, but I know that girl is better now.</p>
<p>I have a relationship with my Ds, they now that I will only get involved if it is really serious, I mean, if they talk about some girl who was drunk at a party, I laugh at the poor thing and thats it. But if someone is cutting themselves, or such, I give advice and offer to help if they want. They have handled some tough situations on their own and have risked fallout from friends in order to do the right thing. To them, its worth it.</p>
<p>dke:
Good luck with the pup. It is exciting! Let us know how it goes.</p>
<p>emeraldkity, getting the school involved (if it is a public school) is a HUGE mistake. You vastly overestimate how much knowledge principals and especially counselors (who often never see/talk to students) have about students, nor do you seem to appreciate that they are often “mandated reporters” for various things, meaning that they are LEGALLY OBLIGATED to inform the authorities of a variety of offenses. Unless a kid is planning to shoot the school up or do something else violent and at school, then there is no reason to bring them in - they rarely have significant knowledge about a kid’s real familial situation and will likely just end up getting the courts involved. Public schools, aside from limited control over extracurriculars (which normally only applies to alcohol/drug use outside school for sports) and the ability to expel after a student is convicted of a number of violent and serious crimes, can’t regulate a students conduct outside of school/school activities. They, for instance, can do little to nothing to punish an average student who publicly tells the principal she likes to drink heavily on the weekends, save for telling the parents or possibly involving the police. The upside of getting the school involved is minimal, whereas the downside is huge - you never know when courts or self-righteous and overzealous bureucrats (i.e. principal/counselor) will decide to stop/draw the line, nor do you want to deal with the messy process of forcing them to stay within the limits of their power (I know that my principal often tries to scare students and imply that he can punish them for what they do outside of school, despite the fact that he absolutely lacks any such authority).</p>
<p>At our school, which is private, we sign a contract basically that said off campus behavior can be dealt with at school. </p>
<p>At least letting the school have some awareness is good. </p>
<p>And so what if the authorities are notified. Sometimes that is necessary.</p>
<p>If a girl is cutting herself, and you don’t know the parents, going through a counselor is necessary. i would rather error on the side of caution to help a child than to do nothing at all, and have that child really hurt themselves</p>
<p>We have had two incidents with kids and, I hope 
we’ve dealt with them appropriately. My D came to us with her concern about a friend who was talking suicide. We first had to agree not to ask the name of the friend before my D would tell us about the girl. We asked my D several questions about how SHE would like to deal with her concerns…have us call the parent, tell the school counselor, confront the girl, have my D call the parent, what? We emphasized that my D/we did NOT have the option to do nothing when suicide is a consideration, but would have to notify SOMEONE about this girl’s statements. After discussing pros and cons of each approach, my D elected to call the school counselor that night. Fortunately, the school counselor knew the girl, knew the issues, and intervened without ever revealing my D’s identity. The girl is now healthy and doing well.</p>
<p>The second incident involves a boy who has been subtly and not so subtly harassing my D since middle school. The harassment episodes have waxed and waned over the years and we had only been to the school about this kid twice over the years since my D wanted to handle things. Last spring, the harassment stepped up and my D considered leaving her high school to finish her senior year elsewhere. We went in and discussed things with her advisor more on an “informational” level…want to let you know she’s considering leaving and this is why. My D elected to stay at her high school and this boy had let up…until the EA decisions came out. He then posted very damaging lies and threats on a website…I copied the postings and sent them directly to my D’s advisor, the school counselor, and the principal. The postings were removed after my D sent a request to the moderator of the site.</p>
<p>With harrassment it is amazing what we expect our children to tolerate and with what others get away with. I mean, if you had a collegue who treated you that way, would we just take it? Would suck it up? I would think not, yet we allow it to go on in school, cause that is what kids do. That is so frustrating.</p>
<p>I probably would have been more active in stopping the bullying sooner in middle school. To have it go one for four years seems really sad.</p>
<p>Imagine going into a place every day worrying that a jerk was going to hassle you.</p>
<p>We are so afraid of bullies, that is why they continue. Me, i would have probably done what you did, but in hindsight, i would have been more assertive. Why do we let our girls live in fear of bullies and let the bullies get away with it.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t let someone treat me that way.</p>
<p>No, going through the counselor isn’t necesscary at any point. If you pay for a private school then the school can do basically whatever it wants, but the other parents can always withdraw their kid should they so choose. If a kid is going to hurt themselves then tell the parents first; if you tell the school then they may get CPS (child protection) involved, and god only knows when they’ll terminate their involvement.</p>
<p>you sound like you speak from personal experience lucifer
I also speak from personal experience and my opinion as a parent as a community volunteer is that the schools need to be told when there is a concern- if the school responds inappropriately then you deal with it- but you do not assume that they will assume inappropriately- you don’t second guess them.</p>
<p>Wow quitguru, how terrible for your D. It must be horrible for her. I hope that the admistration is being sympathetic. I would be very upset. </p>
<p>BTW, it was great how you handled the situation with your D and her friends thoughts of suicide. That is something you can never let go.</p>
<p>Ha, I have no personal experience with CPS or anything, I just realize how messy the law can be.</p>
<p>I do, however, have personal experience dealing with idiot school officials. Most school officials a) are idiots, b) have NO IDEA of what the bounds of their power are, and c) lack the courage to overturn lower officials. There is no “dealing with” a school official who goes to court/CPS/whatever - once that happens, only whatever authority that they went to can be dealt with. The school has no business knowing about anything that doesn’t directly concern it. If a kid is getting beat up at school/is going to kill themselves at school/etc., then telling them makes sense. If a kid likes doing H in the ghetto, then tell the parents, not the school; it is NONE of the school’s business.</p>
<p>I’ll also say that learning to deal with “bullies”/jerks on one’s own is a valuable skill. Running to mommy and daddy or some other authority every time you hear a cutting/mean remark is, in my mind, pathetic. If someone is mean, be mean back. Mental toughness is one attribute that today’s society seriously undervalues.</p>
<p>It is a valuable skill, but not necessarliy needed. Running to mommy and daddy is not what I saidk but some bullies are brutal. Kids have died because of bulies, have so little compassion?</p>
<p>My Ds were bullied, and mostly handled it, but I have stepped in.</p>
<p>Lucifer, if you had a little sister of 8 who was being teased and tormented by a 12 year old jerk, what would you have her do? Suck it up? Beat him up? Why should little kids be tormented? Bullies are jerks and my guess is, you have a little but of a bully inside of you cause you don’t seem to care much</p>
<p>I’m really glad that my parents aren’t like the parents on this site, sheesh. If some nosy parent called my mom to “warn” her that there was underage drinking at our house my mom would probably just laugh in his/her’s face. Unless the situation is life threatening or you know the parent and think they would want to know, let parents deal with their own children.</p>
<p>I actually wasn’t referring to school bullies- although I think that there does need to be notification and mediation between the students
I was thinking of several cases where the student was hurting themselves.
One for instance was when my daughters friends were concerned that she was cutting herself, and they went to the drug /alcohol counselor, not the “school counselor” (he actually was worthless-) and they had an intervention.
In the case that I was not “stable” it would have been better for the counselor who is a professional to talk to me about it, rather than a parent who may be over their head.-
My older daughter was involved in a harrasing situation, and I told the school and they talked to both of us- and the boy seperately.
It was resolved.
It can be difficult for parents to work through things that involve two parties simply because they can be defensive/protective as well as not looking at the whole picture.
It can be very valuable to have a professional, and no matter what you think of the district and CPS workers, they are professionals, who are trained in situations that confront young people.
I haven’t found CPS to be that helpful, but neither have I found them to be that invasive & I would much rather they be called in a situation where they weren’t needed, than not called in a situation where they were.</p>
<p>Meateater0387, ever heard of “It takes a Village”?</p>
<p>^Yes, but I don’t live in an African village where I know everyone , I’ve gone to boarding school since I was 15, and I live in the city so I don’t really think it applies. :)</p>
<p>*“warn” her that there was underage drinking at our house my mom would probably just laugh in his/her’s face. *</p>
<p>It might help your mom to know the law
if there is underage drinking at your house, even if your parents are not home, and an “incident” occurs, your parents can be held liable and prosecuted- might not be so funny after that.
<a href=“http://parentingteens.about.com/od/alcohol/a/underage_drink.htm[/url]”>http://parentingteens.about.com/od/alcohol/a/underage_drink.htm</a></p>
<p>
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<p>It depends on the state; some states have “social hosting” laws, some have specific laws punishing parents for tolerating underage drinking, and some have none of the above.</p>
<p>Honestly, the VAST majority of the time the night goes well and everyone gets home safely. I remember reading somewhere that 95% of drunk driving goes uncaught; I don’t know if that statistic is accurate but I do know that most of the time it isn’t caught. Most risks other than drunk driving are nearly negligible; it is possible to die from alcohol poisoning, but most cases like that occur at college with kids who either a) don’t know what they’re doing drinking-wise or b) are being hazed and try to drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol in a night (a kid who tried to down two handles (~120 oz) of vodka after being told to and later died comes to mind)). Alcohol-related injuries (falls, etc.) are possible, but again serious ones (more than scrapes or minor bruises) are rare relative to the amount of drunken stupidity in the world.</p>