I used to pay all the time with some of my friends, and usually do with my family. Others don’t want me to do that, so I don’t even try, but I am conscious of going to places less expensive. I almost always pay for my coworkers, and we know each others pay scales. Mine is almost double of theirs, plus my husband has the same pay. Many are on first year pay and their pay is far below mine. They are very appreciative, and it is a common (almost expected) gesture. But if someone mentions their wife is an emergency room physician, I might not say anything if they request separate checks.
I inherited a little from my maiden great-aunt! She never made much money as a secretary, but somehow she managed to have some left after she passed away at the age of 96.
I guess I’m an outlier when it comes to being honest about one’s financial situation. I don’t think it’s a big deal to tell someone the truth. I hear people talking about their financial situations quite often, with very detailed information involved. Being open about things solves a lot of problems, and if the mother is someone that the OP actually knows and likes, it should be no big deal. However, I realize that not everyone is comfortable discussing finances. In my job, we’re sitting in a small space with little to do but chat with each other for 3-5 hours, so that’s the main topic of conversation.
@busdriver11, Why should OP “confess” to anyone that she received a multimillion dollar inheritance. How much money people have and where it comes from isn’t anyone’s business.
I would let it go. The girls will either take the more expensive place or they won’t, and OP’s daughter seems fine with either decision. For all OP knows, the other family has a cash flow problem and was using OP’s perceived financial situation to choose a less expensive option.
I think she should say whatever she wants to. I personally would be comfortable saying I received an inheritance and can afford it now. I wouldn’t put a dollar amount on it, but I would say what I needed to in order to put the other person at ease (without lying). I place more of a priority making someone feel comfortable than maintaining privacy. To me, it’s not such a big deal. But to you and others, apparently it is.
@GTalum -
My aunt, who was in her 90’s when she passed, referred to herself as a “spinster.” As I got into adulthood, I began to realize that she was probably a closeted lesbian and I sometimes wonder what type of life she would have had had she been born 50 years later. She was a wonderful woman and a WAC and I am grateful daily for her kindness in leaving me her money.
It was sweet that they asked, but I would just say something like “thanks, she’s got it covered - not a problem at all.”
I too encounter plenty of folks…including strangers disclose far more details about their personal financial situation…including dollar amounts which I nor most people I know with some discretion would never do as we’d feel that’s TMI and worse, unnecessarily risks making oneself a target.
Still find it astounding how many folks…including casual acquaintances/strangers will continue to disclose sensitive personal information on their finances with me even when i do my utmost to change topics.
I don’t think it’s necessary to say where the money is from, but I would have no problem admitting I recently received an inheritance. I would not say how much but I don’t think admitting its existence is any big deal.
I am very cynical and I also watch and read a lot of true crime. Money makes you a target. I live in an upper class area because it’s safer but I live below my means here. I am the type of person who if I won the lottery would wait until I had my lawyer, accountant, trusts, etc. all set up before claiming the money. Unfortunately, I have heard that in my state, you can’t claim anonymously or that would be my choice. NOBODY is entitled or trusted enough to know what I have.
I won’t disclose my financial situation unless it would benefit me. It includes not filling out FA forms unless I know I could get some aid from the school. I still think it is intrusive and presumptuous for a parent to call up another parent to see if the student could afford the rent. When I wasn’t sure about another student’s ability to pay, I had D1 get a separate lease from the landlord.
This thread has me curious about the range of rents these kids are paying. Was their share jumping from $500/month to $1,000/month? Or more? Where my son attended, reasonable, safe, and close enough to campus was $750 each. In my D’s smaller college town, two kids share houses for $250-300 each.
I’m with the crowd who said they would respond with fewer details and say the cost will not be a problem.
I find it interesting at how many are leary of sharing. I don’t share how much money I have but my close friends and family plus those who I know to say hello or talk with at an event can get some sort of clue as to my financial situation based on the area of the country and part of town I live in. I also drive a somewhat nice vehicle. If someone came to rob my house they would be very disappointed because I don’t have anything worth stealing.
I find it getting involved in something that isn’t my business with the other parent calling. It’s between the roommates to work things out.
@psychmomma where one of my kids went to school she had a 2bedroom apartment (by the time she looked the 1 bedrooms were all taken)just for her for just $650 a month. My other D paid $650 for her own bedroom in a two bedroom apartment. Both cases were several years ago. My other kid lived on campus all four years so not relevant to discussion.
Other thing is my H would never consign on an apartment or house. He is in the business and he is a softy for most things but is firm on that requirement.
“my close friends and family plus those who I know to say hello or talk with at an event can get some sort of clue as to my financial situation based on the area of the country and part of town I live in”
The longer I’ve been on this planet, the more I’ve realized there is often very little correlation between how one lives and consumes and their net worth. Some live well below their means, others have little self-control when it comes to money, are always “keeping up with the Joneses” or looking to impress, and are in hock up to their eyeballs.
Couldn’t agree more.
Sort of had a similar conversation. My son and his girlfriend chose a very expensive private college. We own a small blue collar business and girlfriends dad is a specialized physician. Girlfriends mom sort of asked if we were stressing about the tuition, etc. Honestly - we are not, but I think they are. They spend money on outward things (big jewelry, big house, labels on everything). We spend money on investment properties and paying off debt.
you know, you can share info sometimes, and not other times. In this case, i’d briefly say there’s an inheritance for college expenses; and then any sort of worries, guilt, wondering, whatever, is over with for the others.
we have relatives whose kids went to pricey LACs; the mom told me there was an inheritance. I was actually glad to know that; it made my brain stop wandering to all those questions that i shouldn’t be thinking about. (how can they do this and we cant with similar jobs and lifestyles? what did we do wrong? are we missing something? are they in debt? why didnt we save more? etc. etc)
My father always said “Don’t try to what I do if you don’t know how I do it.”
We had copycat neighbors who liked to have us come over and see their purchases. They must have been looking out the window every time my father made a change, because they would buy something similar. He worked overtime regularly, took good care of his things, had no debt, and generally lived a simple life. Once, Daddy had save up his money and bought a new Cadillac for cash. The neighbors ran out a bought one too, but it was soon repossessed. What a lesson that day.
I think it was nice that the other parent asked if the cost would be okay, and I don’t think it was presumptuous, maybe they understand that not everyone is quite as well off as they are, and also may realize that their kids, who have lived with a very comfortable life, may not think that someone else can’t afford it. I had a roommate in college who was very well off, the rest of us were middle middle class, and he understood that, so when we went out and such we went to places we all could afford.
In terms of what I would tell them it would be “thanks for thinking of us, but we can cover it, we have funds set aside for college that will cover it”, and leave it at that.
In terms of how to handle the windfall, can only talk about myself, but I would be very careful especially with the kids not to let it become that big a deal. It is fine to tell the kids they don’t have to be quite as careful, or give them a bit more in allowance or whatnot, but I would be worried if they suddenly assume that they don’t have to worry about anything or work hard to make their own way (and I realize that these days, inheriting millions is not the same as being named as Warren Buffets sole beneficiary of his will lol). If I had that kind of money would likely pay off whatever debts I had (could do it quite easily with a fraction of that), and then maybe set aside money for things for my son in the future might need, maybe a trust fund of some sort, and use the rest as part of my nest egg, maybe occassionally splurge on an actual vacation someplace nice…but honestly, for me, I would find it hard to let loose, just not in my nature:)
My son who works in a hedge fund told me he and his colleagues agree that the richest guy in the room is probably the one who is the least noticed.