<p>My son graduated 2 weeks ago and his behavior is driving me crazy. In the space of one day he ranges from withdrawn to almost hateful to take charge and helpful. Two hours ago he looked at me like I was the lowest thing on earth when I asked him if he had fed the cat. Now he is down in the kitchen happily preparing chicken breasts from a recipe he got from the internet. He doesn’t want me to ask him to do anything. And he wants to be independent and knowledgeable. He really thought that on the night that he graduated that I would never ask him to do anything ever again in the house. This is going to be some summer. We will be going on an extended overseas vacation in a few weeks and then return to get him ready to move to college in a different state. I know he is ready for this move in life. I just hate to see the disrespect and resentment in his eyes when he can’t be on his own until August. I sure hope we don’t have some kind of blow-up before then. My worst fear is having to say good-bye to him in August when we are on bad terms. In the past thread on this topic someone suggested a job as a way to deal with this. That is a good suggestion. What are some of the rest of you doing? Anyone with a teenager who is remaining pleasant to be around? Maybe I should encourage my son to do all the cooking but then if the idea came from me it would be the worst idea in the world.</p>
<p>Just keep repeating to yourself: it’s the age, not the child. Last summer, I had the biggest pain-in-the-butt daughter living in my house. I would have sold her on e-bay - at a very low price. This summer (after just one year at college) I once again have my very sweet girl back. She’s cooperative, communicative, understanding and considerate. She is two entirely different people! And I like the latest version better.</p>
<p>my oldest has worked most of the summer ever since she was in high school- a good portion of that has been at residential camp 
She actually was very easy to live with all through high school- only has recently begun to be irritable.
I think it is reasonable to have a job around the house ( and outside too)
I can’t give you specific ideas to deal with boys- but remember that no matter how horrible they are before they go off to college- they are just going off to college- they aren’t flying into outerspace. You will see and hear from them again. Have you booked freshman parents weekend? In my experience after students have a few months of college under their belt and have compared their parents with everyone elses, theirs don’t look so bad ;)</p>
<p>Momfromtexas - first thing I would do is - have a talk with your DS - sooner rather than later - gentle rather than argumentative - before an explosion happens - to get everything on the table - let him know you love him - let him know you understand - in a way - where he is at - lots of changes in his life - becoming an adult - the fears of the future unknowns - the late teen stresses - heading off to college - leaving a part of his life behind, etc… - his life is now very different than it has been for the last umpteen years - the comfort zone for these kids has definitely changed - but that he is still a member of your family and his behavior is ‘not acceptable’ - that he also needs to understand where you are at also. </p>
<p>Or you could also put it in a letter to him - sometimes that catches their eye in a way that talking just can’t - but it will get the point across also. I have actually found that writting a letter to my kiddo has actually been more helpful than a discussion that could turn and become very negative. My last one - just left in on the kiddos pillow and didn’t say anything at all. It was definitely read and I think well understood - it actually helped open the dialog so that we could talk about these things openly.</p>
<p>The changes we see in our kiddos at this time - the graduation and summer before they leave for a new life - to them - can be very difficult - keep the lines of communication open as far as possible. Kids don’t think that things bother them - but it sure comes out in their behavior - they don’t seem to see that either - but they do need to be made aware that this is happening and that it is understood - but you are feeling some similar things as a parent also - they don’t see that at all.</p>
<p>Your son has a lot going on in his head right now. First of all he is in a kind of purgatory- he’s graduated from h.s. (congratulations) so he’s no longer a h.s. student. He hasn’t started college yet, so he isn’t a college student either. There is a part of him that wants to hold on but he also knows that he needs to prepare to let go. This can be difficult for many of us because we would rather push someone away rather than have them leave us or we leave them. The behavior is going to pass.</p>
<p>As for the respect in the house. Just because he has graduated, nothing has changed, you are still the adult, he is still the child living in your house. My parents were of the mind set that there were only “2 grown people” in their house- my mother and my father. </p>
<p>Even though your relationship is changing you still need to set the tone, and establish boundaries and guidelines on how you are going to be treated. I have no qualms telling my kid , that I am not your friends or some person out in the street you I am not going to be talked to in that manner. </p>
<p>Remember you teach people how to treat you. If your son has always had to respect you; no back talk, raising his voice to you giving you crazy looks nothing has changed. If it was not acceptable then, it is not acceptable now. The sooner you tell him this the less aggravated you are going to be.</p>
<p>Regarding the part that you don’t want him to go off of college with the 2 of you on bad terms - it won’t happen. Love covers a multitude of sin so the love you feel for him and he for you will prevail in the end. He may not get all mushy and want to kiss you goodbye or say he is going to miss you but the sentiment will still be there.</p>
<p>Yes, this too will pass.</p>
<p>Oh! They want their independence. I think a summer job is important. My newly graduated S works fulltime, otherwise he’d probably play computer games all day. He is very territorial so I let him be responsible for getting up, cooking his own breakfast, making his own lunch, etc. I try to stay out of it unless I am asked to “help out” by making lunch if he’s running late, etc…He knows we’re still in charge, but trying to let him have some leeway also. A delicate balancing act… Hey, let him cook! It will be a handy thing at college to already have cooking skills.</p>
<p>Remember this great old Alice Cooper song from 1971? Some things never change.
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<p>This is going on at my house also, in spite of basically having a very close, loving relationship. Son is normally a sweet, considerate kid who I know will miss us. But at the same time, he is bursting out of the seams to be independent. I view the unpleasantness that results as a normal part of the separation process. I grit my teeth and just try to ignore the lesser examples of it. My husband and I sometimes say horrible things about him when he’s out of earshot, which seems to keep our sense of humor intact and keep our own tension from building up (“I can’t wait til we can kick the little #@$#@ out of the house.”). Sometimes when he is particularly impatient with me I will say something like “You only have x more weeks to put up with us”. That seems to remind him that he actually has had a very good relationship with us for 18 years. If he does/says something particularly aggregious I’ll call him on it, and he’s generally contrite (not that he’ll apologize or refrain from doing it again. But he acts like he feels bad about it when he’s awful and I point it out to him and leave the room in disgust.) I can actually remember being much worse to my own mother.</p>
<p>Don’t count on a job as a “cure”. Think of it more as minimizing the interaction time. Son will actually be gone most of the summer for one thing or another. But that doesn’t seem to diminish the impatience during the periods in btwn other activities when he’s at home. I expect him to be all charm again by Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>At this age, it’s really like having a racehorse tied up in your back yard. It gets better once they’re off and running, it really does.</p>
<p>Thank you all who posted here (and in the other thread)… for giving me hope! :)</p>
<p>I agree with most of what has been said already, but would add another thought. It seems to me that when we get into these sorts of moods–and I say we because we should recognize that we all do this occasionally–the best medicine is a dose of gratitude. </p>
<p>Your son has worked hard, but at the same time has been given much as well. I would suggest that since you only have a few weeks, he might profitably spend his time volunteering some place where he will come in contact with people who don’t have his opportunities and luxuries (like extended vacations overseas before college).</p>
<p>It has worked for my boys…</p>
<p>i’m sorry to say it doesn’t get much better when they come home for the summer between their freshman and sophomore year. The latest from my daring D (going into soph year at CMU) is that I don’t talk to her like an adult! I only got her her own little vehicle to cruise around in, buy all of her body care products, cook all her meals, do all her laundry as it is always conveniently left downstairs in the laundry room, wake her up so she can get to work on time, try to enforce a curfew on weeknights so she CAN get up for work on time, take her shopping to buy her new clothes as the old ones she has outgrown after the freshman 30 lbs., and book airline and concert tickets on my VISA (the latter she is paying for) the former so she can travel to LA this summer to visit long lost relatives with us and the latter so she can spend some quality time with friends in NY as part of the concert scene. But I AM treating her like a 14 yr old!!!</p>
<p>Momfromtexas - If it makes you feel any better, I remember my daughter being obnoxious in every way during the summer before college. Much eye rolling and snide little comments. There were moments that I regretted not living in a different time when corporal punishment was acceptable. We fought more than we ever had in the past. Yet with all of this attitude I was still expected to be her slave. I was thrilled when she headed off to school. </p>
<p>Dear D came home for her first visit on a crazy sleep schedule but whatever stresses she felt during the summer had dissipated and she was back to her old self. Ok, ok, she was sloppier - if that was possible.</p>
<p>We did (and do) have an adjustment period during each long visit. Her father and I have to remind her that she is part of the “team” again and that if she is out really late we expect a phone call so that we don’t worry. She also has to adjust to not playing music loudly and slamming pans around when baking brownies at 2:00 AM. DH and I have made our adjustments as well by buying a white noise machine. If she has friends over to watch movies late at night we can sleep through the clomping around downstairs. Those machines work!</p>
<p>This summer she is working in NYC. Peace and quiet is a beautiful thing.</p>
<p>Its amazing- its almost like the revert to the terrible twos!!! Indepence but needy at the same time.</p>
<p>As my D wants more independence, I tell her the respect for her dear old parental units needs to be maintained. I tell her H and I call each other, clean up after ourselves, don’t roll our eyes at each other (okay well not face to face), and the like.</p>
<p>WHy do you put up with it? Thats what I don’t get. These are young adults. I know they are your babies, but just cause they are now adults, why do these kids think its okay to be rude, banging around the house, entitled to talk back? </p>
<p>I am not judging, cause I know my time will come. I am just curious…</p>
<p>Why keep cooking the meals, shopping, doing the laundry? Its not like they will starve or go naked? Let her be late to work and get yelled at. Don’t wake them up. They somehow managed when you weren’t around for 9 months. If they want to be treated like adults, then treat them that way. Stop the maid service!!! </p>
<p>Okay that was some tuff luv!!!</p>
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<p>I don’t think anyone should put up with it if that’s how their child actually is. But when a basically considerate, well-mannered, loving child suddenly turns surly the summer before college, that isn’t the way the child actually is. Putting up with it to some extent is sort of like what husbands do whose wives have moody behavior or make “unreasonable” demands when they’re pregnant. Or what anyone might do when a spouse goes through a period of incapacity or unreasonable behavior after losing a job or parent. It’s a common occurance that lasts a limited amount of time. Even if the offending party understands on some intellectual level that they are being unreasonable, they can’t completely control the emotions that are making them act that way. At some point you have to ask if the family member needs something more than just time, but they probably deserve some slack for at least a few months.</p>
<p>Maybe…giving someone space and understanding is one thing, letting them treat mom like a maid is something else…</p>
<p>It seems like they are taking advantage of loving parents. I sound harsh I guess, but being moody is one thing, being rude and surly is something different. And expecting maid service while at the same time wanting independence and freedom seems rude.</p>
<p>It just does.</p>
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<p>there is only one post describing anything like treating mom as a maid, and that should probably be viewed as a separate issue. Most of the posts are complaining about general teen eye-rolling, crabbiness, and impatience with parents. If your child never did this before, and starts it up right before leaving for college, it is more likely to be a developmental phase than an ingrained part of their behavior or personality.</p>
<p>I have learned to pick my battles.
I have one kid who was really easy- cheery- and noncombative.
Never argued with me to the point where I worried about it.
Then…
I had a child who had anxiety- to the point that I thought it was oppositional defiant disorder … when she was 5 ( lasted till about 12)
surly, unhappy, couldn’t stand most things, when I finally found something that worked, I used it too much and it would never work again.
1,2,3 magic worked somewhat as a parenting style, but I finally learned to ignore much. We didn’t move when we had a chance at a really good deal, because of the upset it would have caused her.
We kept a torn smelly couch, ( with a throw) because she couldnt’ tolerate anything new.
She reminded me of a camel Robin Davidson was working with in Australia, ( if you were in this camels space she would bellow- in it for 2 hours- bellow for 2 hours) She literally cried for hours at a time, by the time she was weaned I was beyond exhausted.
Oh… point- anyway- expect teens to be surly, rude, irritating, particularly when they are normally quite pleasant.
It is part of seperating and if they weren’t doing it- you should be concerned. Kids who dont change behavior, may not be ready to leave the nest, or they already have seperated emotionally a long time ago.
He is going off to college- exciting and expected, but any big change is very stressful, not just for you, but for him.
At our age, we all have gone through lots of changes and take most in stride, a teen at the end of his official childhood has had a multiplicity of changes so fast that he has barely had time to assimilate them.
Give him a break- let him know that even if he is undergoing his terrible twos, that you love him anyway.
( but part of that is to be solid on the rules you will not change, and flexible about the ones that may mean more to him than to you- be clear about what you expect, but realistic too)</p>
<p>They mostly turn into surly curs when they’re itching to leave, I figure. My son was so unhelpful (with the excuse “I’m busy” - all with his stuff - end of school, parties, helping friends with their final projects, more parties) that I ended up giving him a lecture about “this entitled lack of consideration and gratitude” being a character flaw!</p>
<p>AND - I stopped doing the laundry - for the rest of the summer, saying “this is the summer when you learn to be independent.”</p>
<p>May mean a tough summer, but we have to stand up for ourselves. Another choice phrase I’ve used “Your time is NOT more valuable than mine!”</p>
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Wow - that’s a very different take on things than mine. The day my son turned 18 I made clear to him that he was now an adult & would be treated like one. (Actually not that day, as he was on the opposite coast visiting his college that day… but the point is the same). </p>
<p>That doesn’t mean that he could act like a jerk and be free from household responsibilities. Adults don’t have parents waiting hand on foot on them, cleaning up after them, or doing their laundry for them – not unless they are working cooperatively with another adult. </p>
<p>I had a very smooth time with my son the summer he graduated. The only negative was that it was very hard for me to see him go. We did squabble terribly on the day I dropped him off at college – so I do think there was a lot of tension on both sides about that day when we actually had to part ways. </p>
<p>I’m not saying that one way is better than another, but I think that some 18 year old high school grads might really resent being treated like kids - and things like parental tone of voice and being ordered about. They may feel, rightfully, that their parents should treat them with more respect, and bristle at being given orders or subject to rules that don’t apply to the older adults in their household. </p>
<p>I actually had a several discussions about adulthood and adult responsibilities with my son before he turned 18 – including discussing legal issues. The state bar of California puts out a great brochure for young people, dealing with various legal rights and responsibilities that come into play at 18, like entering a contract or the criminal law.</p>