<p>Today was my daughter’s bridal shower. At some point during the party, I ran into her future sister-in-law and 6 year old daughter in the ladies room. In polite conversation, I asked if we would be seeing her very pretty dress (it was cute) during the wedding weekend (as there are a few “events” to attend in addition to the wedding itself). When they answered in the negative (and it was clear she loved the dress she was wearing), I asked what her dress looked like for the wedding…and her mom said it was Ivory with a pink sash. I was kind of surprised to be honest. She is not in the wedding, my daughter and her fiance want no children in the wedding and never have. The groom is not close to his sister and both he and my daughter think the child is overly-indulged in every way imaginable. I don’t know this kid, but I guess as long as she is getting her way and is the center of attention, she’s well behaved. Per fianc</p>
<p>So very sorry and could keep you up all night and then some about how my wedding was high jacked.
In the end, and after many years of thinking, feeling etc. I believe the person who must deal with this is the Groom
He is the one who needs to love and respect his fianc</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear this. Your D has every right to choose who is/isn’t in her wedding. (I didn’t want children in my own wedding party, so I can totally relate to that). I agree with oregon that your D’s fiance should speak with his mother and let her know that there is no way this child is to be inserted into the wedding party. Does your D have a wedding planner or someone else (non family) who will be there that can be the person to run interference in case MIL tries to sneak the child in?</p>
<p>Time for the groom to step up and manage his family. You and your D could talk over alternatives, then suggest them to the groom. If the groom’s sister is in the wedding, have a plan to seat the child with her father or other family members before the processional. When my SIL insisted on her D attending (a toddler–and the SIL had a child free wedding), we seated her with my FIL. No walking alone, no flowers, etc. Your D and the groom need to make a plan, and then communicate it to the SIL, MIL and the co-ordinator before the rehearsal. And the groom needs to take the lead.</p>
<p>While I feel it is the bride’s right to choose her wedding party, and the groom’s responsibility to deal with HIS family–you should ask yourself if this is really worth getting upset about.<br>
Other than the color of the child’s dress, is there any other reason to suspect that the grandma plans to insert her into the wedding party? (imo, the fact that the child plans to wear a corsage would more likely show that she doesn’t intend to be a flower girl–don’t female members of the wedding party usually carry–not wear–their flowers? It is just a sign that she is a close member of the groom’s family. This seems appropriate, especially if she is his only niece and the groom has few siblings. It seems to me that they’ve already gotten the message that there isn’t going to be a flower girl.)</p>
<p>Try to look at it from grandma’s point of view–What harm would it do to invite this child (even if she is spoiled) to walk down the aisle as a flower girl? She already has the dress. It might be a kind gesture that will help bring the families together. And it will be a happy memory for the child.
If this 6yo did walk down the aisle with flowers, how could it ruin the day? (If the girl/mom/grandma really are hoping for this, the bride may appear ungracious/mean if she refuses and makes an issue of it. Better not to know and then they will be the bad guys, not the bride.)
As it is, if this girl is the only niece, and dressed as she will be, some guests might wonder why she isn’t a flower girl. Some will probably ask her if she IS the flower girl–and then the answer will come that she “wasn’t invited.” Is anyone from the groom’s family in the wedding party? If not, it might appear that they’ve been “dissed.”</p>
<p>If you confront grandma with your suspicions, (if this is done, it should be done by the groom) and it turns out that she had no intention of telling the child to join the procession, she could think you’re paranoid or controlling. </p>
<p>IMO, best to say nothing. Have peace in your hearts and hope for a beautiful day. Even if you get a surprise flower girl, (I doubt anyone would be that crazy or rude to join a wedding party against the bride’s wishes, but if they are, you can’t change them) be ready to shrug it off and smile.</p>
<p>I believe that’s what the in-laws are counting on, that your D would just let the child be in the wedding because she got a dress already. But no, it is not for them to decide and your D shouldn’t put up with it.</p>
<p>I agree with other posters that this is something for the groom to deal with it. It is his family, he needs to man up. There will be other issues between your D and her MIL in the future, her future H better step up to take your D’s side.</p>
<p>Atomom, I’m inclined to agree with you but let’s consider this… What if there are several little girls within the family ages 3-9 who are also not being the flower girl? Rather than choose one, the bride has decided not to have a flower girl. Allowing Princess to be the f.g. might cause more hurt feelings than stopping her.</p>
<p>I am all about setting boundaries and the earlier you start when in a relationship with a difficult person the better. If Mother of the Groom is willing to be passive aggressive during the wedding, just imagine what she may be like when the grandbabies arrive. Boundaries!</p>
<p>I also agree that it is the groom’s job to step up and be the one who sets the boundaries with his mother. However, I’m painfully aware that many young men grow into this understanding over the course of some time.</p>
<p>The problem with setting boundaries with someone who is passive aggressive is that there is no way to do it without upsetting the person. There’s just no way, so let go of that goal right now.</p>
<p>If I was the mother of the bride, I’d be willing to be the fall guy for this one. I wish you the BEST of luck and a very beautiful wedding!</p>
<p>For me, not able to set boundaries with Mom would be a deal breaker. Ask your D how important is it to her. If she expects her H to deal with his mom and he is reluctant then maybe it is better to know now rather than fight about it later. If your D doesn’t have that kind of expectation of her H, then she’ll need to learn to deal with her MIL because this is just a precursor of many such passive aggressive actions in the future. I wouldn’t do it for my D. I would expect my D and the groom to deal with it, if they couldn’t resolve this to their satisfaction then they shouldn’t get married.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you’re going through this. This is your daughter’s wedding and she has every right to want/not want a flower girl in her wedding. </p>
<p>Take a deep breath. Maybe they are placating the little girl by letting her wear an ivory dress with a pink sash. No one has said she is walking down the aisle, right? If they assume that you will let her do so because she is wearing the “right colors,” then that is their mistake. </p>
<p>If that is not the case, then it is up to your daughter’s fiance to deal with this. I wish you the very best and hope you are able to enjoy this beautiful and special time in your daughter’s life.</p>
<p>I’m also inclined to agree to Atommom, but then I had 4 “flower girls” (3 six yr. old nieces and a 4 yr. old niece) at my very adult wedding (all children under 13 were wisked away after the cocktail hour.) They carried small bouquets - no throwing of any petals! Once they walked down the aisle they sat with their parents and did not stand under the chupah. I didn’t even have any bridesmaids - only a maid and matron of honor since I’m not a fan of big wedding parties. </p>
<p>I also wouldn’t assume just because the niece is wearing a white party dress this means they are planning on inserting her into the wedding party, but since the bride is fearful of this she, together with and the groom, should speak to the SOG and tell her they don’t want a flower girl. I don’t see the need to relay the info through the MOG.</p>
<p>Is it possible to find some other role for this little girl to play that isn’t “walking down the aisle”? Then she (and her family) would feel that she is included. I am in the camp of opening your heart to finding a way to make her feel like she has something special to do that day. Also agree with those who say that you have no actual evidence of anything planned other than having a special dress for the wedding weekend, which doesn’t seem out of line to me. I hope my own D’s (and me) are not so set on having “HER wedding the way she wants it”… some flexibility and accommodation that makes the families on both sides of the wedding party feel good will go a long ways in the future, believe me. I know there is a lot of stress in planning the wedding, and it is pretty clear you don’t like this little girl or your D’s future MIL. But having a tizzy (and really, encouraging your D to have a tizzy) about “sharing your wedding day” with a six year old is pretty immature in my view. No matter what role she plays, the kid isn’t going to take vows, wear the ring, or kiss the groom in the end. Those are the things you don’t want to share, the rest is just extra stuff.</p>
<p>I’m not sure this is an issue that needs to be confronted with the future MIL but rather the SIL. No?
I have a relative who was brought up with this type of parenting. I could tell you a hundred stories of times when her wants and whimsies took precedence over everyone else’s. She has grown into a self indulgent, narcissistic woman.
I would talk to the sister in law and since you have no proof that she intends to send her down the aisle, keep it about the dress. I would approach it as a question. "It seems like an odd choice to dress little Baby Jane in white and the bride’s maids colors. Don’t you think that might be confusing, since D has been very clear that she wants no children in the wedding party?</p>
<p>The corsage is odd, as well. Why would the child be wearing one? Are the other close family members wearing one? </p>
<p>Think of this as doing your civic duty as well as helping out your lovely daughter on her wedding day. Maybe if someone sets some limits for this child, it will do her some good.</p>
<p>Here is the only problem I see with that approach. If you go at it in a way that lets on you are assuming the worst, they will spin it that YOU are the crazy one and everyone will hear about how your D accused them of pretending that Baby Jane was the flower girl, yada yada.</p>
<p>If you go at it in a way that sort of “pretends” that it is all a big silly mistake or oversight (accidentally bought a dress that looks exactly like a flower girl, corsage) that gets the message across and allows everyone to save face. I think that it also sends the message that you all know what’s going on but are going to pretend to assume the best intentions. Helpful for future relations with these people.</p>
<p>You have no evidence that the child is planning on being a flower girl. I think you’re opening a huge can of worms by even bringing it up. You’ll be known as the crazy mom who assumed a child would be a flower girl because of the color of her dress. How does she actually become part of the procession anyway if she wasn’t invited or part of the rehearsal? Did she actually say she was wearing a corsage? She should be seated with her parents and at the same time as her parents. Maybe your ushers could see to this?</p>
<p>I wonder if the moderator could correct the thread title. I thought the MOG was going to be wearing a bright red dress or was going crazy with her makeup.</p>
<p>It seems to be the prevailing thought these days that a wedding belongs to the bride-that it’s HER DAY, almost like it’s really princess for a day rather than a celebration of the uniting of TWO lives. So often the groom becomes lost in the whole cater to the girl in the white gown fairy tale day that gets played out. I’m wondering what the groom in this scenario wants. If he is in agreement with the bride, then I agree it is HIS job to manage his family. If he can’t stand up to them now, this girl is in for a whole lot of heartache in the future. He should be making his new wife the priority in his life now, and if he doesn’t have the spine to make that clear to sister and Mom, then the bride has bigger problems than who is in her wedding.</p>
<p>I’m with Prefect. I’m a bit puzzled about your questions and interactions with the little girl’s mother from the get go. So she is wearing a pretty dress to the shower. But is getting another dress for the wedding. So what? Happens all of the time, Why shouldn’t she? Who at that shower is going to be wearing the same dress to the wedding, even as a guest? So she’s wearing a pink (!?!) sash to the dress, which happens to be the number one color for little girls. So what??? There are hundreds of thousands of white dresses with pink sashes out there, My niece has a white dress with a lilac sash, and will be getting a pink sash to change it around a bit. Again, that doesn’t mean a thing. </p>
<p>Where is everyone getting the idea that the parents of this little girl are thinking of crashing the ceremony with the little girl? The dress means absolutely nothing to me in this way of thought. </p>
<p>I am going to assume there is a lot more here than just what you’ve shared. If there is truly reason to believe that the little one might crash the ceremony, I guess you have to assign someone to be seated next to them or stay right with them to make sure they do not. But I would think you were bat hat crazy if you came up to me with that presumption just because I am buying my daughter a white dress with a pink sash for the wedding, and, yes, I’d be ticked off too. And hearing the story, I’d think you were paranoid, and selfish, with all the things you are attributing to the mother of this child and MOG. And your daughter sounds awfully spoiled and selfish too, from your narrative. Sheesh, all this big deal because of a presumption, and who the heck cares anyways if a six year old snuck down the aisle with rosebuds or something. She isn’t going to steal the show. It would not bother me one iots. nor would it bother most of the young women I know. it would actually be a cute thing. Having been to hundreds, literally, hundreds of weddings, not too many memorable brides. They are all beautiful up there, but there is a sameness to the whole thing. Your DD is going to be just another bride. Having a little spice in the ceremony just might make it more memorable to guest others than the besotten mothers and other relatives. Sheesh.</p>
<p>Modadunn…I don’t envy your position, because the fact are very clear that you are in a no win situation. It has been well established that in no way or form is this your fish to fry. Your daughter is marrying a man (we assume man, or maybe there should not be a wedding) that is 100% responsible for handling this situation. You have to think very clearly over this and examine every angle. Is it possible that deep inside that your future SIL would like to have his niece in the wedding but has yielded to your daughter’s desire to not have children attend? Or that even if future SIL prefers no, children, that his desire to please his mother overshadows his own desires? This argument pits future SonIL squarely against his family and that hostility will overshadow the marriage of your daughter. The wedding is one day, one that is typically overdone and overrated and is the spring board for the rest of their marriage. The way the families are blended and treated on that day will set the tone for the rest of their lives. So decisions have to made with that in mind. If you for one second think that people will “get over it”, don’t count on it. It sounds as if you have dung your feet in the sand in defense of your daughter (HER day, HER wedding, i.e.,HER way) that it comes across as being just like the child you are “defending” her against. This is not your battle. </p>
<p>Children at that age have no idea they are not the center of the universe. ANY and I mean ANY criticism toward that child, her behavior, her “whatever” will be a direct slam to the future MIL. You have to step back and take it all in and decide if it is worth the battle and the bad blood that will overshadow your daughter’s MARRIAGE. If exclusion of this child is the number one important thing to your daughter and her wedding day, and the groom is not willing to slay the dragon for her, maybe the wedding should not occur in the first place. It is very symbolic on both sides. (I am not saying your daughter should exclude the child and I am not saying the groom should be forced to go toe to toe with his mother…I am saying if this is 100% the number one priority, the outcome will be a spring board to the marriage. The question is do they want a positive spring board or a negative one)</p>
<p>I have been the MOG and it is a VERY tough position to be in. It was <em>MY</em> child’s wedding day too, but for whatever reason in our society it is always the <em>brides</em> day. It as if she is marrying herself. In my situation, my daughter in law was very concerned about our family feeling included. I am sure some of the things she chose may not have been her number one choice, but they were important to my son and our joint family harmony. She understood that the wedding was the first day of the marriage and that harmony in the marriage was so much more important than any “one” thing on THEIR wedding day.</p>
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<p>Kind of what I was saying before, and I agree completely. As the mother of two daughters, I plan to keep this forefront in my mind when the time comes.</p>
<p>I don’t think OP said that her daughter didn’t compromise in other aspects of the wedding. People are jumping to conclusion here. Maybe her daughter has been doing a lot of compromising and this is one too many. OP is asking how to handle this one particular issue. It is not necessary to call her D selfish or spoiled, especially when OP already said her D has always been very giving and generous.</p>
<p>I agree with one of the previous posters in that it would be nice if you found a little position for the niece. Maybe she could hand out programs or rice packets. You want a wedding to be a joyous day for all who are there. As many on here have said you don’t want to start a marriage off with bad feelings. That six year old is going to be part of your daughter’s family, like it or not. Wouldn’t it be better to be friends with her and her family then be at odds? Step back and take a breath.</p>