Sorry OP, I just saw your earlier post. If you want to have it big, have it big! I guess the first challenge is to nail down the number as best you can.
I’m on the iPad and it’s late here so I won’t type out everything I want to but will try early tomorrow. Please don’t let your Friday night affair overshadow the reception. It sounds like you really stand on ceremony and that your desires/customs exceed those of the couple. Your ds has been in your family a long time and knows the “custom.” Maybe he doesn’t want that. Tomorrow, when I have time, I will post what my in-laws did. It turned out wonderfully and complemented, not competed with, the reception. Sorry, but I think you’re coming across as a bit of a Momzilla. 
I’ve heard of bridezillas, but this MOG is verging on creating a new breed of “zilla” by first insisting on a Friday night event for “her” guests and then, once she won the point, finding fault with the couples’ choice of venue and refreshments. The bride and groom are in their thirties, more than mature enough to make their own wedding plans. This isn’t the MOG’s event, so it matters not at all what her family usually does for weddings or bar mitzvahs or anything else. I say forget about the Friday night event, send all the out-of-towners a list of recommended local restaurants, let them know you’ll be in your hotel bar from 9 til 11 if they’d like to stop by and say hello, and you’re done. Destination weddings are a pain in the butt for the guests; mandatory attendance at a second event after a day of travel is no great benefit for anyone other than the most gregarious, and those folks will find their way to each other and figure out how to make a night of it on their own. Any family member or friend who would take offense at not being fully wined and dined all weekend is the kind I wouldn’t want in attendance in the first place! I’m an admitted introvert, and speaking for the many of us out there, three days of festivities for a wedding (I’m counting the theoretical Sunday brunch) is a grim way to spend a weekend. Trust me, dropping the rehearsal extravaganza will be a relief to a goodly number of the guests.
Edited to tip my cap to Youdontsay for invoking of the “zilla” reference, which appeared while I was still typing…
OP do you think that the majority of guests will even arrive on Friday? If the wedding is late afternoon or early evening then perhaps many will choose to arrive Saturday.
I think you should try to accommodate their choice of venue for Friday night if possible. The biggest question is accessibility. If that can’t be worked out it is a no-go; the bride will understand that objection. But most places these days are accessible, with accessible restrooms.
If tables can be set up in the outdoor courtyard, that sounds ideal. How likely is rain? Have you looked at historical stats for rain? If it does rain, can the courtyard be tented? If not, and the chance of rain is small, I wouldn’t be too concerned; people are very, very understanding about being packed like sardines into an inside venue when rain causes a last-minute change of plans. Some of the most fun events I’ve ever been to have had that situation; the spontaneity makes it fun. (Again, accessibility for the elderly guests is the main concern).
Having multiple rooms can add to a party’s flow and can liven up an event. It sounds like the bride and groom are after a more relaxed, less static feeling. I think they can have that while you still achieve your goal of adequate seating for those who will need or most want it.
Also, in talking about your plans for Friday night, I’d be careful not to inadvertently criticize the wedding plans. Those really are up to the bride and her family (with input from the groom). The exception, again, is the accessibility issue.
When is the wedding?
I wonder if the bride and groom realize just how much more complicated it is to have an event at a historic house as opposed to a restaurant? Maybe in advocating for a restaurant for Friday night, you could use language like “easier,” “less-stressful,” “fewer moving parts,” “allows me to be able to focus on the guests and not logistical details.” If the bride is not into all the details, this may resonate with her. And it certainly is true!
I am a “begginner” of this but if Dear Abby says this is socially acceptable, at least this is what I am capable of doing if I were groom’s parent.
The question is: Will the guests of the parent generation (on both the groom side and bride side) accept this or many of them would consider the groom’s family do not do their job or even “rude”?
When I read wedding conflict threads, it just solidifies my plan for when it’s my kids’ time:
I will write them a big check, kiss them, and urge them to elope on some tropical island far, far away.
I haven’t read through all the posts. Yes, it’s aggravating. But for the sake of peace and starting off a good relationship with all the in laws, let them have the cocktail reception. I see nothing wrong with that…especially since it’s a gathering not for the rehearsal participants. 200 people is a lot, and a dinner would overshadow the wedding I think.
But I would put my foot down for the elderly members of your family that could not have access to restrooms or the venue. Explain to them that because of this, they wouldn’t be able to attend and you are having major concerns about it. And unless they could figure something out to accommodate them, you feel strongly about them relocating the cocktail party. Don’t make an issue of the type of gathering…but make an issue of the venue. It truly isn’t worth it to start with bad feelings and have your way about the type of party this is.
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MCAT, different subcultures have different customs. The OP is Jewish. Inviting all the out of town guests to a dinner the night before is absolutely the custom, and MommaJ’s suggestion of “send them a list of restaurants” would be seen as inhospitable and cheap. Other subcultures do things differently.
I didn’t get the sense this was a destination wedding, though - just a wedding in the bride’s hometown? Did I miss something? A destination wedding is when the couple gets married in the Caribbean or some place where they don’t have any ties. Just having to travel out of town doesn’t make something a destination wedding.
I believe the wedding will be held where the couple live, which is several hours from the residences of both the bride and grooms families.
While solutions to this situation will require compromise, calling the OP a momzilla is IMO uncalled for and unhelpful. The OP has put together several large events and her knowledge and experience may be helpful in avoiding potential problems that the bride and groom may have not considered. This can lead to planning an event that will minimize potential challenges and be more successful and enjoyable for all.
My s and his fiancée selected a venue that has challenges (IMO) but I am doing my best to go with the flow.
I’m not there yet,but my parents did what GMT hopes to do. They gave me a set amount with a guest list, took off traveling and accepted my wedding plans. I was also in my thirties. My parents had their way of entertaining but wisely, they realized that it probably wasn’t my style. That said, they had a couple of requirements that included accommodating elderly relatives. That would be my one requirement.
I think this third party conversation (‘I think they think’, ‘my son says they said’) contributes to the stress and confusion. Is it possible for the parents to meet (and exchange numbers and email) sooner than later?
Conmama has a nice solution.I’ll add to it a little. Have a big family dinner for your side celebrating the family being together (invite the bride’s parents) and let the couple have a reception at a suitable venue afterwards. You may find that the grandparents too tired to attend the evening reception.
I have been to events at both types of places, and enjoyed both of them. We have a lot of historic house venues in our city, and I don’t see them as “complicated” except for the mentioned access issue. The staffs at these places are very experienced at handing the food and drink for fairly large groups (they do wedding receptions, parties, etc.) many times per year. If my kids wanted to use one for even their reception, I’d be fin with it IF the older guests could be accommodated. If this historic house site is not suitable for elderly guests, you might check around town for one that is – it could make the B&G happy, and still be more accessible for older guests (with an elevator, for example).
You lost me at possibly 200 at a rehearsal dinner. I don’t think most couples have family and friends close enough to them for that number so that leads me to believe that the wedding includes a whole shlew of persons that needn’t even be there. Just another reason for me to remind my kids that there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking their best friends away and eloping when the time comes. I got married 18 months ago, we invited everyone who was important in our lives and managed to keep it under 60 people LOL
Am I reading this correctly that the first time the bride and groom’s parents, siblings, and grandparents will meet will be at this 200 person extravaganza? With various aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends to distract each family, I really doubt the families will mix and get to know each other at a gathering of this size. This really does sound like a second reception, just held first.
I was at a destination wedding recently where the bridal party, their immediate families, and their bridal party went to rehearsal and an early, intimate dinner, meeting up with the greater group at a cocktail party with heavy appetizers later. At the cocktail party I got to meet the aunts and uncles and cousins before the bride and groom and their parents showed up. The grandparents didn’t make it to the cocktail party, but retired after the dinner.
As a guest, the cocktail party suggestion is perfect. After a day of traveling I’m not really up for a large dinner, and the no pressure cocktail party means I can pop in and stay as long as I have the stamina. That way I will be refreshed for the main event.
As an almost mother of the bride (my daughter is being proposed to on Saturday), I agree with the previous poster who wondered what the finances are like for the bride’s family. I’ve let both of my daughters know that since we paid/are paying for their college, they will have to pay for their weddings. When we were asked for our daughter’s hand in marriage on Christmas, I had a little panic attack because our youngest daughter is a sophomore in college and ALL of our money is going toward her college expenses. I feel bad about forcing my older daughter to scale back her plans and/or limit the number of guests but that’s the reality of our financial situation. I’ll be happy once the proposal is made so we can all sit down and discuss the plans. We already have dinner set up in two weeks with the groom and his parents since the groom (and I assume my daughter) want to be married this summer. Luckily, they only live about 90 minutes from us. The proposal is a surprise so I haven’t discussed anything with my daughter yet. I’m just going to be honest with them and let them know we’ll help out as much as we can but we are tapped out financially at this point in time. (We had to cash in all of our savings two years ago when my husband was out of work for a year and both of our kids were in college.) I already gave that information to my future SIL who, luckily, had been told by my daughter. My husband and I paid for our wedding (and I was only 20 at the time) but we just had a cake, coffee and tea reception in the basement of the church. My future SIL has already expressed his desire for more than that for their reception.
So . . . my advice would be to meet the bride’s parents ASAP or, at the very least, call the mother of the bride and discuss everything. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re both on the same page.
I’m just hoping my daughter’s wedding guests won’t have huge expectations to be wined and dined for the entire weekend because I’m having trouble figuring out how the reception is going to be paid for. BTW, we live in the Northwest where weddings can be a lot more casual than people on the East Coast expect according to posts I’ve read on CC. I’m really not looking forward to my younger daughter’s wedding since she goes to college on the East Coast. Chances are fairly high she’ll marry someone from that side of the country and his parents will have different wedding expectations than we do.
I wish you the best of luck and hope everything can be smoothed over prior to the wedding. You really don’t want to start your relationship with your DIL and your son’s new in-laws on the wrong foot.
What we did for both sons’ weddings was to limit the actual rehearsal dinner to the bridal party, immediate families and grandparents. Both couples (and parents) wanted a special dinner with those closest to them and we wanted to host an intimate affair somewhere special. We sent out an email to all out of town guests (all attendees on our side and some on the bride’s) with info on area attractions and recommended restaurants, with an invitation to meet the bridal party and families for cocktails at 9:00, at a restaurant/bar convenient to the hotel where we had secured a block of rooms. In one case, the hotel rooms included a breakfast package and in the other, we hosted a breakfast the morning after the wedding. We printed a wedding weekend itinerary to be given to the guests at check-in. This gave the bride and groom a chance to spend some quality time with those closest to them and also meet and greet any out of town or local guests who wanted to join later in the evening. Everyone seemed happy.
That stumps me, too. A reheasal dinner for 200 people sounds like upstaging the wedding. Maybe they chose the venue to spread them out so as not to look like the reception they were planning. Are there bathrooms on the ground floor that elderly people can use? Using elderly relatives to derail their plan seems a bit manipulative.
Having only a daughter, my perspective is probably different from a MOG. I regard a wedding a bride’s event. It’s her day more than it’s his. If my daughter gets married in her thirties, she is a grownup. And it’s her wedding. She can and should do whatever pleases her within reason. I will write a check and help if asked. If her in-laws insist too much against her wishes, I may have to tell her it may not be the best fit. Just imagine future conflicts in every major life event.
We’ve had similar issues with S2’s upcoming wedding, but fortunately most things have been resolved amicably. We’re also Jewish; FDIL’s family is Christian, but that’s not really an issue for the B&G and the immediate families.
We also originally planned a Fri night dinner for the wedding party and out-of-town guests. Unfortunately, that would’ve included just about all the wedding guests since FDIL’s immediate family are the only ones who live local to the wedding and they’d be at the dinner anyway. We definitely didn’t want a 2nd reception that would feel like a 2nd wedding, especially since the B&G are paying for their own wedding and are watching their budget. We ultimately decided to limit the Fri night dinner to the wedding party, relatives as close as B&G’s aunts, uncles, and first cousins, and a couple of our very close friends (who are like family). The B&G are fine with this, altho DH regrets not being able to include his cousins. Our idea was to have it in a private room at a BBQ restaurant so it would feel more casual than the wedding and have a totally different menu. Her mother was a little unsure about that venue, but after hearing from people she knew that private events there were nice, she was fine with it.
FDIL will be sure to include restaurant suggestions in the goody bags for guests not invited to the Fri night dinner. I also expect that some guests won’t arrive til Sat since the wedding is late afternoon on Sat.
We’ve had some extended discussions on hotels, something that concerns us since all of our family and friends will definitely need hotel accommodations. They’ve blocked at 2 hotels near the wedding venue, but that’s a drive from the airport, Fri night dinner location, and other amenities. We suggested that they also block at a hotel near those things so guests can decide where they prefer to stay, and even offerred to rent transportation to/from the wedding for guests staying at that hotel. The hotels near the wedding venue are also more expensive than expected for the type of hotels they are. The hotels nearer the city are actually less expensive and we have family who will be booking multiple rooms. B&G haven’t done anything about blocking at a hotel near the city, although they say they will. Right now they’re busy with a big move and starting new jobs, so that’s understandable.
Through this process, I just find that DH and I are more concerned with guests’ comfort and convenience than the B&G are. Is it a generational thing? Maybe. Fortunately, the hotel issue is the only one still hanging out there, and it’s not a major issue.
Please don’t call the OP a momzilla. She hasn’t made any demands and is asking for our help, not our instant condemnation. She wants to provide dinner for a large group of out of town guests because that is the norm for her family. The number of wedding guests (and potential rehearsal dinner guests) has gotten unwieldy because of the bride’s family, and it still very vague.
She also said upfront that she wanted it to be casual.
She is not “using elderly relatives” to derail anything but is concerned that they will not be able to attend. The only bathrooms in the historic home are upstairs and there is no elevator. That is a deal breaker for anyone who cannot climb stairs.