Mother of the Groom-I need to bite my tongue!

Parent Cafe
61

OP, you asked in your post, “Am I being selfish?” I think there is a more productive way to look at this, and this is to look at the bigger picture. This is your MIL SAT. It is your first opportunity to show your abilities as an MIL. Will you hit the ball out of the park? Or will you bomb the test? The stakes are greater than what college you will attend. The way you handle these easy issues (yes, it gets way more difficult when grandchildren enter the picture) will predict what kind of MIL you will be. You have a choice whether to put your DIL on edge, or to put her at ease. Why not put her at ease, and score a 2400 on your MIL SAT?

FWIW, this is my view. This is physician son, correct? DIL is pretty bright too, yes? In their 30s. They should be making all the decisions on this, free from judgment and interference. I totally get that they don’t want an anachronistic, sit-down “rehearsal dinner.” They’ve got their friends coming in from all over, so they want to mix and mingle. Makes total sense to me, and I’m in my 50s!

The venue. I don’t remember what we ate 24 years ago, or how we ate it. But I do remember we had this gorgeous videw of the city of Pittsburgh from the side of Mt Washington. I bet you will like this lovely house a lot more than you anticipate. If it has a permit to hold these kinds of functions, you can bet they have to meet minimum ADA standards. The nicest thing you can do for S and DIL is to offer to make sure the grandparents are comfortable, have appropriate seating, and enjoy themselves. If they are anything like my grandparents were, they will love this party.

You made a telling comment in your post, when you referred to the possibility of your own MIL possibly going “ballistic” over an issue. Imagine your DIL writing a post twenty years from now. Instead of writing that, she writes: “My MIL is totally cool, very flexible. One less thing I have to worry about, thank goodness!” You’ve hit it out of the park, a 2400 on your MIL SAT!

62

OP, I don’t know that other people’s experiences will shed much light for you. You DIL and son have said what they want, and you don’t like their plans. You’ve told them your concerns about grandparents, and they do not share them. The only practical thing you can do at this point is ask the grandparents if they plan on coming to this dinner reception, and when/if they say no, well, just pass that information along. B&G can do what they will and you are equally able to bow out (which would seem to be a mistake, imho) or take the grandparents out yourself to a nice restaurant. You are not, after all, in charge here. You are a VIP, but still, a guest. I think trying to set up an alternate event is going to end with you looking like the bad guy. I agree their plans are crazypants.

I was the bride who had entirely too many people who wanted to tell me our wedding was too…you name it, someone disapproved. Too formal, too informal, too dry, too expensive, too rustic, too small town, too busy, too My parents and inlaws have met 4 times in the 31 years we’ve been married; our extended families have never met at all. My inlaws paid for none of the wedding, stiffed my parents for their part. It was not important then because we decided to not make it important. Keep in mind that at the first anniversary, most of these details will seem charmingly irrelevant. Choose your battles, always.

63

I really like the idea of a formal sit down dinner for bridal party and immediate family (including grandparents) and then a cocktail party later for other guests. You are still hosting, but also creating a more intimate setting for the families to meet. Maybe there is a nice restaurant near the cocktail venue with limos to bring Grandma and Grandpa back to the hotel.

I think you should send your local friend over to visit with your son and future daughter in law. Maybe as a non family member she can sort through some of the concerns and determine what the real wishes are…

64

OUCH!! your DH didn’t delicately address this with his parents? A similar thing happened to a relative of my DH. The bride’s entire community got invited to the wedding and the bride’s parents somehow cajoled the groom’s parents to pay, saying they would square up at the wedding. Well… you can guess how that ended.

65

I think it may be. We found the same thing with our kids’ weddings. It wasn’t that they didn’t care, it was that some guest comforts never crossed the kids’ minds until brought to their attention. We tried to convey the thought that the ceremony was absolutely all about the bride and groom, but the reception has to include the consideration and comfort of the invited guests. Logistics and menu offerings all need to be chosen with the guests in mind and family customs also need to considered and respected. Family and friends come to help you celebrate, they should be made to feel welcome and comfortable.

66

As the mother of two daughters and a former bride myself, I just do not understand that sentiment. IMO a wedding should not be seen as “princess for a day” but as the joining and commitment of TWO people. It should be every bit as much about the groom and the commitment HE is making as it is about the bride. It saddens me to see weddings become so much about pageantry rather than the commitment that is being made and all the implications of that.

Sorry, JMHO.

As to the rehearsal dinner question, I, too, was astonished to see that the guest list is 200! But if this is the custom of the groom’s family, I guess I can understand it. I would prioritize accessibility, then making the bride and groom happy. The guests will get over any deviation from standard operating procedure rather quickly. Hard feelings with the bride and groom and their family could be far more long lasting.

67

If the B&G really like the coktail and nibblies at teh house for a lot of people, then I am leaning towards the idea of first hosting a more traditional rehearsal dinner for the members of the wedding party (b&g’s family, including grandparents, the best man, MOH, etc, and then hosting the more casual cocktail reception for the larger crowd afterwards. Would that work?

68

I wasn’t making it pageantry. The couple is starting life together with the bride the future hostess, the queen of the family who rules the domestic matter.

69

ETA: Aack! Sorry this got so long …

OP has said she wants “words of wisdom” from cc’ers. We aren’t all going to agree with her.

My initial poor reaction comes from the judge-y and authoritarian tone in her post. Comments such as:

*“Hopefully the director at the venue will help steer her in the right direction if she goes too far off course” This makes it sound like there is only one “right” course, which, of course, we all know is not the case. I think it’s dismissive of the DIL, who apparently can’t be trusted to exercise her own judgment, in OP’s opinion.

  • "The bride has never wanted to disappoint her parents, and will not tell them the list needs to be smaller." Who says it needs to be smaller? And you know this about your DIL and the parents you don't seem to really know how?
  • "I think they are clueless here" They are in their 30s! These aren't kids. Just because they don't want what you want doesn't make them clueless.
  • "While this wedding is about the bride and groom, at what point can I say, I am paying for Friday night, so either it is my way, or no way?" Is this the hill you want to die on? What if they say "no way"?

“My son said they don’t want a dinner …” So why not listen to him?

Anyway, that’s why I had my initial reaction last night. I don’t think OP is a bad person, but maybe she doesn’t see how she might be coming across. I thought it was interesting that you mentioned your MIL “going ballistic” over an issue. Is that how you want your DIL to think of you for the rest of your relationship, to be THAT MIL, that you are a person who must be tip-toed around and accommodated or risk ire?

My custom was to have a rehearsal dinner for the bridal party and their dates, officiant, immediate family (siblings not in the wedding party) and grandparents. That’s it. And that’s what we did – an official sit-down at the hotel where the wedding reception would be. That ended up being about 40 people as we have a good-sized family. Toasts were made, gifts bestowed; it was intimate and lovely. However, it was important to dh’s mother to have an event for out-of-town family. I didn’t really care and wasn’t paying, and, like you, I think it’s a great way for the couple and the rest of the family to meet others in a low-key setting because the wedding day and reception is a blur. So, we were able to include in the reception package a neat venue on the hotel property – a boathouse-like building near the pool (the hotel used to be the site of a major water-related amusement park and incorporated a lot of the themes from the former place; it was cool and more tasteful than it sounds!) where MIL had her party. She had the women in her church make their ethnic foods, which were delicious and new to my family. There was some seating, but not a chair at a table for every person. It definitely had a different “feel” from the wedding reception but was nice and personal. Invited were people who had come in that day. I would say there were about 80-100 people (we had about 250 at the reception). Everyone had a great time. It was one of my favorite things about the whole weekend. And MIL did all the work for this, so it wasn’t another stressor for me.

I feel a little emotional writing this and looking back on it. While this particular event went well, my MIL definitely overstepped her bounds many times when planning this wedding. It set up strife between us, some of which continued for the rest of her life. She was overbearing, and my dh didn’t have the guts to stand up to her and side with me, his wife. And I was too young to stand up to her myself, but that just meant that resentments went unspoken and lingered. She died two months ago. Is this how you want the relationship to proceed with your ds and DIL? That their opinions shouldn’t be respected and that they can’t be trusted? The only non-negotiable for me would be the access for the grandparents. After that, who cares? I’m convinced you can come up with a compromise with which you and ds can live. I don’t understand why this dinner needs to be for 200. Why not just the 60ish who come from your side since it’s your custom? That would certainly make finding a venue easier.

I am just really feeling sorry for this DIL, who, on top of everything else, is trying to plan an unwanted party Friday night at the demand of the MIL, who doesn’t like what she’s come up with. I think OP needs to be more flexible AND handle most of the logistics of this.

Good luck! My MIL’s behavior surrounding our wedding taught me a lot about how I don’t want to be as a MIL. I am hoping for a harmonious start to your ds’s married life. :slight_smile:

70

Really? Hmm, I don’t know that all young women view themselves that way anymore, but to each her own. I still don’t see how that makes a wedding more about the bride. The groom is making just as an important statement/commitment as the woman is.

71

I see while I was writing my long post someone else picked up on the OP’s comment about her own MIL. :slight_smile:

72

You know what, I am still perturbed, 20 years later, that my MIL changed my seating plan behind my back.

I would just go with the flow on this one.

I do like the idea of the cocktail party for all out of town guests, and a small, wedding party-only dinner where people can join the cocktail party later if they want to. I’d trust the idea that the bride knows her guests and knows what they would enjoy.

Also, a full sit down meal reception is a regional thing. A buffet reception is perfect lovely and what is expected in some parts of the country.

73

My sister’s inlaws had agreed to pay for the flowers and the photos that they ordered. They stiffed my parents completely and when my Dad pressed them to honor their commitment, they basically declared war on my parents. I don’t know what caused the breech, but they recently told their son his wife is a *&$# (and I quote) and have cut off all contact with them- and their grandchildren included. The grandkids are totally innocent here and are completely baffled why Grandpa and Grandma no longer speak to them. Since sis and BIL moved to that state to be near his “close family,” it is all very sad.

It’s interesting to me to see how things which happen at weddings can give a glimpse into the future lives of the married couple and their relationship with the inlaws.

When my Ds get engaged, I am going to read some of these threads over and over so as not to become a problem. I’m sure every MOB or MOG who ended up causing hard feelings never intended to, but for some reason let their own preferences become too important. Hopefully the OP will avoid that and will work with the bride and groom to come up with a compromise all can get excited about.

74

I do and I plan to pay the whole thing for my D’s wedding if asked.

75

I’m the one with the IL who wanted to help, chose (given options by my mom) to pay for the all the flowers, and then …never did. Of course my DH talked to them about it, but some people just don’t have ears to hear and my parents didn’t care anyway. I don’t believe for a minute it was deliberate – they are just very disorganized inattentive people. We chose not to make a huge deal (but of course, I still remember this!)

I just think OP will really regret having an alternate event. Better to have a sit down and say “I’m worried about this and this” and get over the notion of what is “always” done. Or, even better – smile and nod and shrug and realize you can just roll with it. I’ve been to plenty of weekend weddings with nothing but the service and reception. Other evenings were ours to arrange with relatives, friends, ourselves, as we saw fit.

The point of a wedding is to be married when it’s over. Everything else is window-dressing. Anyone who thinks this is all about the bride – stay away from my boys!! :wink:

76

In my area, it is customary for the parents of the bride to pay for the wedding, so we will do so as well. I guess some will view that as meaning that the groom is just an accessory. I’m sure many grooms are happy to let the bride and family do everything and they really don’t care about the details and are happy to submit to the idea that a wedding of two is really just about the bride.

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^Don’t you worry! I would want her to marry a family celebrating her becoming woman.

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^^Why would I worry?

OP-sorry about the hijack. Your problem has nothing to do with the above exchange.

79

^I meant it for greenbutton.

80

^^^Okey dokey.