I would think it’s because they, the “kids” are in their 30s.
Not at all, but I do think that some parents tend to lessen (to borrow your word) their children’s identify as fully-functioning, mature adults who are perfectly capable of handling the planning themselves. Hence the ‘kids’.
We are in the South and my daughter’s wedding in 2008 was a country music themed buffet (after a formal church service). It was really fun. The rehearsal dinner (this was sort of an issue due to hostility between the groom’s divorced parents) was also buffet and was at our house on our deck. We kept the dinner small with immediate family, wedding party and a few “special” guests and then invited all out of town guests (most of the guests, actually) for a fun dessert party with beer and wine. It all worked well for us.
Thanks for the “education”.
I intuitively believe it will not be so easy. The more I learned about this, the more I am “scared”. Applying to college seems to be much easier than this. Maybe there should be a required course in college for the students, and the same for some “continuation education” for the parents, about this topic. There may be a need for a variety of such a course, each of them is customized for each subculture. (Or, at least include this in some high school class, like US AP History or World History - whatever is learned may be more applicable than "how many battles we had in the long past.)
So the historic home must have an accessible path, entry and at least one bathroom. OP should call the venue and ask about that. If they say no, they have until next fall to fix it!
@jym @jym626 said:
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I am in the south and every wedding I have attended thus far, that I can recall in recent years (at least 6 come to mind) have been sit down plated dinner affairs.<
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Okay, I’m from small town Mississippi. Another poster from Texas says they, too, rarely have sit-down, non-buffet dinners. I’ve got to ask where you are from, just to get an idea of differing customs. I would guess some of the urban areas might have more formal affairs.
I am from the south, and have only once attended a sit-down dinner at a reception down there, and it wasn’t until 13 years ago. It wasn’t until I moved to the midwest that I ever experienced a sit-down dinner at a reception. I’m not saying one way is right and one way is wrong, but it’s helpful to understand that some regional differences can exist to a certain extent.
I am 59 and from the south where I have never attended a sit down wedding dinner. I have been to innumerable buffets at country clubs and buffets at the bride’s home, and buffets in historic venues, and cake and punch in church halls. Take that back - once years ago I went to a wedding that had under 20 participants total (bridal party and guests) and we had lunch afterwards at the country club, all seated, and just ordered off the menu. It was a private room. OTOH I have never attended a southern rehearsal dinner that wasn’t a seated dinner.
I spent 20 plus years in the NE. I never attended a wedding without a seated dinner. The first time, when I figured out what was happening, I called the sitter in a panic and asked how late she could stay. I also never attended a hotel wedding except in the NE.
ymmv
H and I married at 32 and 35 and because of our ages we felt we should pay for the event ourselves. We were both brought up in houses following proper rules of etiquette, but we broke all the rules and only invited who we wanted and in reality only those who really wanted to attend. Our “grooms dinner” was the wedding party (we each had 5) and the other close friends invited to the wedding at our favorite hangout and we had a blast. Our parents each entertained their own family and friends. (we could see no reason why my Aunt Ethel and H’s Aunt Alice had to hang out together for 2 days since they would rather enjoy catching up with family). We ended up with 75 guests and 2 mothers who went with the flow. It was an amazing day!
Greenbutton - enjoyed your last line in post #74
“The MOG’s culture doesn’t get to trump the DIL’s culture. No one way is more “right” than the other. As I said before, I am sure there is room for compromise.”
I agree there may be room for compromise.
When my sister got married, all of our side was from out of town and all of the groom’s side was in town since they were living as a young couple in “his town.” The groom’s family wasn’t Jewish, didn’t understand the custom of a rehearsal dinner including all OOT-ers and was loathe to pay for a dinner for people they didn’t know, and they were at a different economic level. They wanted a dinner for only those in the actual rehearsal at an (overrated and greasy, IMO) hamburger place. My parents very much wanted to treat / honor the people who were traveling a distance. That is where they came up with this solution: Rather than doing the actual rehearsal on Fri night and wedding on Saturday, the actual rehearsal was on Thu night and the parents of groom indeed held “their” event at this hamburger place for those of us in the wedding party. Then on Fri night my parents hosted an open hospitality suite, but really with enough food that it served as dinner, for all of the out of towners at the downtown hotel they were all staying at. Then they additionally threw the wedding reception on Saturday as planned. This enabled the groom’s family to “save face” and not be pressured into something they couldn’t afford and weren’t familiar with, but also enabled my side to entertain our friends in the manner to which we were accustomed. That’s why I suggested a hospitality suite as a potential option.
I do understand the desire for a sit-down dinner, but I think if these historical houses put on these events, they know what they are doing, and it may be just fine for people to mingle / walk from room to room, esp if the house has different things to see and admire in each room.
pizzagirl, that sounds like a great compromise. As long as no one is seriously infringing on another’s time or money, then I say the more the merrier. At the event I wrote about that my in-laws put on, they served Middle Eastern food. Having been in this family for more than 25 years now, I get that a party just isn’t a party without grape leaves and hummus. I’m glad that I was flexible and that his family did all the work! 
that sounds like a good compromise for your family, PG. I admit, though, not understanding the comment that the groom’s side was able to “save face.” It sounds to me that the bride’s side is the one who had to live up to expected custom and would be embarrassed if they didn’t follow the code. The groom’s side were just trying not to be pressured into something that not only they couldnt afford, but didn’t see the point of. It was darned nice of them to schedule the rehearsal dinner at an earlier than conventional time, in my view. But it wasn’t their face which was 'saved".
Where I am from the groom’s mama is queen of the rehearsal dinner. It is her party and truly inappropriate for anyone else to attempt input, though if she’s gracious she will listen to what the bride and groom might prefer.
The value of these threads is seeing the cultural differences that can cause unneeded conflict, when different parties assume their way is the correct way. imho
mcat2: I feel your anxiety and so sympathize. My best and extremely serious advice to you is to decide what you are able to do for the wedding. Communicate this to your son now. As soon as there is a formal engagement, get together with the future in-laws and lay all your cards on the table. I understand this probably isn’t how it works in your culture. I think this thread illustrates how difficult this all becomes if we can’t adjust our cultural expectations. I am enjoying your posts about your son. He is fortunate in his parents 
Just curious as to what happens when the groom’s mother isn’t around or alive?
@Youdontsay - I think middle eastern food sounds terrific. One does get tired of the “same old same old” and personally I love any type of ethnic food - but middle eastern food in particular. I think it was also a nice way to highlight the culture of your husbands family. I bet everyone enjoyed and appreciated it.
Good question - Haven’t encountered that scenario. I think the groom’s father is in charge, or designates a female relative as host. It was a pretty broad statement of fact. When the groom’s parents are divorced. sometimes a turf war develops. Last year, a divorced MOG friend got pretty hostile when her ex husband’s current wife wanted to be involved in rehearsal dinner planning.
It was, Harvest. My family is very parochial. I was the first in my family to go to college. They weren’t thrilled when they learned I was marrying someone of Mideast descent, and they’d never heard of tabbouli much less eaten it. The party was right after the rehearsal dinner so it’s not like anyone who didn’t like that food would starve. But most of my side who attended had a great time!
Another thing we did was have a Mexican band at the reception who played cumbias along with all the wedding standards. During band breaks, we played Arabic music and depked our asees off. Something for everyone, inclusive, a melding of families and cultures.
Really?? Without a groom, there is no bride . . . Sorry, but I think weddings are about 2 people/families. (Said by a woman who has had 2 (step) daughters get married in the past year.)
And what I have learned from hosting 2 weddings . . . customs/traditions differ and we all need to figure out how to best make everyone comfortable and happy.
I, too, am Jewish and am used to BIG rehearsal dinners, especially when the wedding is being held where few wedding attendees live. I recently attended a cousin’s son’s rehearsal dinner for close to 200 people (the wedding had 250 people). It was a sit-down dinner, but very different in feel from the wedding the next night.
When Step-D 1 got married, she and the groom wanted control over everything (except the wallet which belonged to H and me). She didn’t want to consult us on anything and everything had to be HER way. I talked to her about even though it HER big day, a good hostess makes everyone comfortable. That pretty much fell on deaf ears. The wedding was fine but could have been nicer had she listened to people (us, her mom, her soon to be in-laws) who had more experience planning these kinds of eventsand who gave a thought to traditions/customs/other peoples’ comfort.
Step-D 2 was the exact opposite. Knowing there were a number of elderly relatives coming, she deliberately chose a very accessible venue (the place she really wanted required something of a hike to get there so she immediately ruled that out.) Every decision she made she ran by everyone involved and she did listen to suggestions. I can’t tell you how many people have told me how much they loved her wedding; how loving and warm it was.
For OP: I truly understand your quandry. When StepD 1 got married, we were told the only ones invited to the rehearsal dinner were close family and the wedding party. We were not happy (like you, H and I come from families/a social circle where people from out of town expect to be invited) so we held a dinner at a nearby restaurant for our family and friends who were not invited to the rehearsal dinner. I put a couple of my friends “in charge” to play hostess and H and I dropped in after the rehearsal dinner ended to mingle with our guests. It wasn’t ideal, but it worked.
I haven’t read all the comments so I don’t know what you learned when you spoke with the woman from the historic venue yous S and DIL to be selected. I went to a rehearsal dinner a couple of years ago in a historic inn that was passed heavy appetizers and drinks. There were some tables for those who wanted to sit (older relatives, etc.) while others mingled. It was what the bride wanted (her mom is my BFF who wasn’t thrilled - wanted a sit-down dinner) but to be honest, it was lovely. The only problem is they had a fairly long video/slide show of the B&G’s story and many of us couldn’t see because taller people stood in front of us and our feet began to hurt, so lots of us faded away into an adjoining room where we could sit and talk.
Good luck making this work for everyone!
When you have a bride and groom from the same background/culture, it makes sense the parents plan the wedding, or guide the wedding planning, because they just have more experience. “Rules” generally exist to make these events run more smoothly for everyone. Most people get better at entertaining as they have more experience.
Once you have different cultural backgrounds, how can it possibly be successful unless the bride and groom and all the parents, including any step-parents, sit down together and have a frank conversation? But that is so difficult. It is difficult to discuss money, budgets, and differences of taste with folks you barely know. How is it possible without unintentionally offending someone? absolutely no clue
My DH was pretty excited about our wedding. He didn’t care about which flowers we chose or some of the other details, but he wanted to be included in decisions about music and Bible verse choices. Also, he was SET on adding a particular color cummerbund and tie that I wasn’t really enthusiastic about. It happened to be the colors of his college, and all of his groomsmen were fraternity brothers and agreed with him. I gave in because he felt so strongly about it. It turned out that because we were getting married at Christmas time, the church was going to provide all the flowers because that’s how they decorated the sanctuary at Christmas. The bow ties and cummerbunds matched the flowers exactly, lots of people complimented him on them, and he and the guys loved wearing them. I guess I could have played the “It’s MY DAY” card, but I wouldn’t have wanted to set that tone for our marriage as we are partners, not Queen and “him.”
To this day, when people see our wedding photo, they comment on his tie and cumberbund.