" I admit, though, not understanding the comment that the groom’s side was able to “save face.” It sounds to me that the bride’s side is the one who had to live up to expected custom and would be embarrassed if they didn’t follow the code. The groom’s side were just trying not to be pressured into something that not only they couldnt afford, but didn’t see the point of. It was darned nice of them to schedule the rehearsal dinner at an earlier than conventional time, in my view."
I see your point. I meant “save face” insofar as this took the pressure off them to entertain a lot of people that they might not have been able to afford to entertain easily. My parents are kind of like me in that they don’t really care what people think - it wasn’t so much about “following a code” but how they truly wanted to entertain all the people who had come a long way.
I think there are also differences in how people view family vs friends - for my family of origin, we don’t have an extended family to speak of, so our long-standing friends are like family to us. For other families, there’s more of a distinction, and while they’ll entertain Uncle Charlie from out of town, Best Friend Betty from out of town is on her own.
“When you have a bride and groom from the same background/culture, it makes sense the parents plan the wedding, or guide the wedding planning, because they just have more experience. “Rules” generally exist to make these events run more smoothly for everyone. Most people get better at entertaining as they have more experience.”
Complete disagree. It’s not about who is better at entertaining. It’s about having the joy and freedom of planning your own wedding the way you and your spouse envision it. Same culture or not, I would not want the parents on either side taking charge of wedding planning, which is also why I would not accept any help with the cost.
I will say it again - it’s about boundaries. Don’t take over someone else’s wedding, because you think you have more experience. It’s just not OK. Traditions and rules are not for everyone.
Attended a wedding a few months ago that could be classified as a “destination” wedding similar to this one. Bride’s family is from the south, groom’s family from the north east. Wedding was in California where the bride and the groom live. Most family/friends flew in from all over. Over 300 people at the wedding. They had a rehearsal dinner Friday night at the same hotel where the wedding was to be held. Big room, dance floor, food served buffet style outside the room. Room had a few tables and a few bar tables. Lots of toasts, speeches etc - we arrived a little late due to travel issues and when we got there, there was no room to sit down. Holding a drink and a plate of food was next to impossible standing up! Food was fabulous - I just wished I could have found a place to sit and enjoy it! They had a cocktail session the next day right before the reception and the story was the same. Wonderful setting, great food - but very very few tables around. It was great to mingle around and talk to folks, but almost impossible to eat/drink while doing this too.
Just have to throw in my one data point - I am 55 years old and grew up in a small town in NC. I never went to a sit-down dinner wedding reception until I was in grad school; before that time, all the receptions I attended were either buffets (rare) or punch-and-finger-sandwiches in the church fellowship hall (much more common). No alcohol, no dancing.
I still vividly remember going to my first sit-down-dinner reception with my then-boyfriend (later-husband). I was amazed. Food you didn’t dish up yourself? Champagne and an open bar? alcohol you didn’t have to pay for? A live band and dancing? I felt as if I had stumbled upon a whole sub-culture that I had only read about.
^^^acollegestudent, when I got married, my Mom said “I’m happy to help. Just let me know what you want or need me to do, and I’ll do it.”
I really appreciated that. Then again, we didn’t come from a tradition of hosting events, so my Mom didn’t have the background to give her the idea that she should be in charge. It made the whole thing so much more enjoyable not to have to be fighting off a bunch of unsolicited advice or having to reign in someone who was trying to plan the wedding of HER dreams!
There are lots of differences of view evidenced in this thread. My take on PG’s story is that the groom’s family was extremely gracious in changing their custom and plans to accommodate the wishes, customs and plans of the bride’s family. The groom’s family did something out of the norm for their culture and geographic area to accommodate future in-laws. ymmv
adding: I guess what they may not have been willing to do was host the party the bride’s family wanted and it may have had nothing to do with budget. Where I’m from this, there is no reason they should have. They were doing exactly the right thing. Their rehearsal dinner was “correct”
I would agree for the most part if it were issues other than ones which show a complete lack of consideration for some guests.
Notably the elderly relatives and guests regarding accessibility and being able to reasonably partake in the events.
Holding it at a venue which doesn’t allow for such accessibility due to narrow stairways and/or expecting most/all guest to stand without making reasonable accommodations for elderly guests isn’t a matter of reasonable differences.
Instead, it shows a serious lack of foresight and consideration on the part of OP’s S and future DIL and whoever is assisting them in the plans.
acollegestudent: I absolutely support you planning and paying for your wedding with no outside help from anyone.
Basically, I am just talking norms here. I would be surprised if most are paying for their own weddings. Then they are the hosts. It is absolutely their party. No one should give unsolicited advice.
adding: when I am paying for a wedding, or a wedding event, I absolutely want to make my kids happy. And in our case, it has not been difficult.
When baby sis was planning her wedding, she told my parents to give them the money they would have spent on a country club reception and she and groom would have guests bring brown bag lunches. My parents told her she could have the sort of reception that was the norm among their friends, or plan her own, but there was no pot of money she was getting for having a less expensive event.
They didn’t care about big weddings. I had a really small one, no fancy reception. No problem for them since that is what I wanted.
@acollegestudent I think you are entirely correct in your set of circumstances which include that you want to pay for the wedding yourself. In the majority of circumstances the expectation is that one or both families will contribute to the expenses. This is where problems tend to arise - the couple want complete control over the wedding but expect that someone else will pay for it. I don’t particularly like that dynamic but am also not the type of parent that would not factor in generously what the wishes of the couple were.
Personally I would be hurt if my D or S insisted on paying for and assuming complete control over their weddings. I look forward to those events and hope to be involved. Although I acknowledge that chances are I will have less input into my S’s wedding - if any at all. But I will commandeer that rehearsal dinner with pleasure if given the opportunity!!
@cobrat All we have is OP’s side of the story, and she hasn’t even visited the proposed venue. There are ADA mandated accessibility rules. I doubt that the facility is as lacking has been portrayed. Further, son is a physician and as such, one would hope has a certain degree of sensitivity for mobility issues.
I suspect it is less a “lack of foresight and consideration” on the part of S and DIL, and more an instance of OP trying to garner support for her position. Having said that, if indeed you are correct, this facility has no business hosting events of this type, and it should be closed down.
This was also my reaction–and I think if you come from a background/area in which a small rehearsal dinner is the norm, you might be more likely to feel that the groom’s family was trying to upstage the wedding. These regional/cultural differences in wedding procedures can be pretty large, and a lot of compromise is required. Both families (and typically, especially the groom’s family) have to accept that certain things that “have to be” done, really don’t.
By the way, I look forward with great interest to future wedding discussions relating to same-sex marriages. The issue of who is obligated/entitled to do what will be fascinating.
I don’t have children, and I don’t know if I would want them in the future. So, some posters may say I would think differently if I did.
However, as my thinking is now, I would not want to give a child money for a wedding with strings attached. I think it’s their wedding. It’s not college - it’s a wedding. I don’t think money gives the giver a say. I think money given for a wedding should be a gift, not a way to get the giver’s guests or visions in.
Also, I get parents being excited about a wedding. But again, I think it’s the couple’s joy to be able to do it their way, traditional or not, and I think the parents should put aside their desire to take charge to allow the couple that joy. It’s the selfless thing to do.
And if there is an issue with an elderly relative accommodation, I would just call the bride/groom and say: “I am sure you probably already thought of this, but just in case you didn’t, just remember grandma needs a wheel chair ramp access.” That’s all. It’s not cause to take over wedding planning.
“I need words of wisdom from my CC friends before I do or say something I don’t really want said.”
and
“Am I being selfish wanted to host an actually dinner Friday night just so my out of town guest will be happy?”
and
“I also do not want to start a fight with my son or DIL to be,”
This sounds to me like the OP wants to please everyone. Sometimes it’s hard figuring out how to do that when you’re thinking of many different people.
"This was also my reaction–and I think if you come from a background/area in which a small rehearsal dinner is the norm, you might be more likely to feel that the groom’s family was trying to upstage the wedding. These regional/cultural differences in wedding procedures can be pretty large, and a lot of compromise is required. "
Right. For those of us who come from the tradition of a large rehearsal dinner, we don’t think of it as upstaging the wedding at all - it’s just a different event and everyone knows when the “real” wedding is. But I can certainly see that if you’re unfamiliar with that custom, it feels like “what are you trying to do, show off”?
acollegestudent: some parents do just give kids a check and tell them to plan it themselves. Some kids like this. Some kids feel abandoned. I am old. I’ve seen it all.
Harvestmoon: I think all rules and customs are there for some underlying reason. Giving the mother of the groom her own party makes a lot of sense to me.
Hunt: I am very interested how this is playing out as well. With no previous models, it seems to me parents of the couples, if involved in paying and planning, have more conversations with each other since no clear cut expectations exist.
“My take on PG’s story is that the groom’s family was extremely gracious in changing their custom and plans to accommodate the wishes, customs and plans of the bride’s family. The groom’s family did something out of the norm for their culture and geographic area to accommodate future in-laws. ymmv”
I wouldn’t exactly say they did much differently. They held exactly the party they wanted, at the venue they wanted, with the guest list and budget they wanted - it was just on Thu night instead of Fri night. Which was fine. I thought it was a good suggestion / compromise on my parents’ part to do it that way, and I think everyone figured this wasn’t the hill worth dying on.
^I think that is where my reaction comes from. Frankly, if my D’s inlaws had wanted to throw a party the night before as large, or near to it, as the wedding (which granted was on the small side, especially after reading enough CC threads), I think I would have been stunned. I’ve been to very few rehearsal dinners in my life, and certainly no big ones like described here.
I think it’s important to keep reminding yourself that a wedding custom that seems entirely normal, and indeed, obligatory, to you may seem CRAZY to people from a different background. And vice versa. In this kind of situation, a compromise is much, much better than a win.
Yes, I agree there should be no strings attached when you agree to pay for your child’s wedding. I’m sure there are exceptions to that rule, but I think the wedding planning should be done by the bride and groom with input given when asked. My D got engaged about a month ago to a wonderful young man who we like very much. I was sort of dreading the whole engagement because a wedding seems very overwhelming and daunting to me and to my daughter. We have a lot of unusual circumstances in our situation so we’re not going to have a conventional wedding. My D’s fiance is from Australia with a large family in Australia who he is not at all close to. We have a very small family. We are paying for the wedding and have told my daughter she can do whatever she likes within a certain budget and anything over the budget they (she and her fiance) would pay for. The budget is sufficient. They have decided to have a small wedding in Hawaii. People are already giving their unwelcome opinions. My feeling is that as long as both sets of parents and grandparents are happy with the plan the rest doesn’t matter. People who are invited can decide to attend or not. We will probably have 30 to 50 people attending. I love the idea of Hawaii because I get to enjoy a beautiful vacation with my family while celebrating a very special event. I have been battling cancer for eight years so maybe my perspective reflects that.
- it wasn’t so much about “following a code” but how they truly wanted to entertain all the people who had come a long way.