I have evolved to the point of embracing the big rehearsal dinner. What I still can’t get happy about is perhaps inviting 175 people when the wedding is 200. If I am MOG, I am just including everyone at that point. And obviously it is a much different event than if I had 30. I will deliberately make it more casual than the wedding.
@ams5796 - you sound like a fantastic parent. I hope you, your daughter and her fiance have fun in Hawaii.
@MidwestDad3 If I recall correctly, the OP said there were steps at the historic home going into one room. So the grandparents would have difficulty accessing one room. If the grandparents can get into the house and have access to a bathroom, then the house is in compliance with the ADA, in my opinion, as the dinner isn’t limited to the one room that isn’t HA.
Many of the wedding receptions in my hometown are held in an antebellum home that the city owns subject to what was originally a 99-year lease to the Garden Club. If you Google the phrase “montrose holly springs wedding” without the quotes you will find links to various websites with wedding reception photos posted by professional photographers. You can also see food being served from a buffet table. I don’t think anyone would call these anything other than great receptions, despite the lack of a “seated” dinner.
The house, by the way, was the sorority house in rather dreadful movie Heart of Dixie. The Methodist church that is pictured in some of the photo albums was used by Northern troops as a stable for most of the war. They have an old Bible on display in the entrance to the church that had been stolen around 1863. Roughly 100 years later the grandson of the Union soldier who took it found it in a trunk and returned it with a letter of apology, which I think is kind of neat.
If you do the Google search I described one of the weddings is for a girl named Rachel. She’s my double-third cousin, which means our great-grandfathers were brothers who married two sisters immediately after the war. Also, for fun check out the Facebook page for “Kate Freeman Clark Art Gallery.” That’s where I had my rehearsal dinner for about 70, and they have some photos showing how the gallery can be used for a dinner. For larger events people place a marquee tent in front. More often than not, dinners here are served buffet style. For rehearsal dinners, it’s sit and eat. But for receptions people just mingle and eat standing up or seated, however they choose.
Of course it is about 2 people getting married. But if someone has to lead/make decisions, that goes to the bride not the groom. Case in point, it is almost always MOG who has issues with wedding plans. One rarely hears FOG taking issues and getting upset with a wedding plan.
It would be more gracious if the family eats what the in-laws can afford and had planned instead of “saving their faces”. I can’t help feeling it sounds patronizing.
There is too much of that going on everywhere!
Now, I don’t mean CC where we are supposed to giving our opinions, I mean situations like this perfectly legitimate wedding choice, or choice of baby’s name, or choice of house paint color, or anything else that is personal and not mandated by public safety or government regulations.
I’ve been given far too much grief about the color of my dining room and it’s getting to me. Thanks for listening…
“I would be more gracious if the family eats what the in-laws can afford and had planned instead of “saving their faces”. I can’t help feeling it sounds patronizing.”
This wedding was already “accommodating enough” to the groom’s side in that it was being held in the groom’s hometown and absolutely no one on his side needed to travel more than 20 miles to anything. It was already accommodating enough to the groom’s side that it was being done in their religious tradition and not the bride’s.
Nothing prevented my sister / family from saying, at any moment, “You know what? We’re going to hold the wedding in OUR home town, not yours” - and that would have meant all of “their people” - which included a lot of children - would have had to have schlepped their happy selves several hundred miles and paid for accommodations.
People who come from a background in which everyone stays local simply don’t often think about the fact that out of towners are spending what may be a considerable sum of money to get to another city, pay for a hotel, rental car, etc.
So, no, I reject your implication :-). Patronizing would have been swooping in and saying - no, no, your hamburger joint won’t do. No one did that. Their event went off just as they envisioned and planned it.
I also agree that I would not attach any strings if I pay for my D’s wedding. When my two nieces got married, they both did it on their own. They planned the whole thing without any help from their parents. Parents got to pay for the open bar as wedding present.
*rehearsal at an (overrated and greasy, IMO) hamburger place. *
To me that is at least a little ugly, if not patronizing. But my family does this, too. Twenty five years later we still make disparaging remarks about the wedding to which we weren’t allowed to bring our babies by future sister-in-law. I am sure we will be reminding her when her daughters get married that she didn’t allow - any babies!!! And that she was unpleasantly surprised when we had to leave the reception - to breastfeed our babies!! And that her side of the family paid absolutely no attention and brought their babies!!!
Of course, in her defense, she gave the nicest bridesmaid’s luncheon I have ever been to for my daughter-in-law. However, she argued against inviting the four year old flower girl. She was overruled. lol
Yeah, ok, that part is a little patronizing, that I’ll own :-).
Wasn’t your sister living in that town? If so, the wedding isn’t held at groom’s hometown. It is held at the future couple’s hometown. There’s no point to give there.
In MY upbringing, we eat what we are served. We don’t bring “better” food to eat and feel generous since we didn’t make the host pay. YMMV.
We ate what we were served, too. I’m not sure what you mean.
It’s how many years later and you are still trash talking their hamburgers. That isn’t exactly gracious; On the other hand, this is the internet and maybe that is why it exists - to say what can’t be said in polite society.
Just read the original post and my reaction is that I would be mortified if I were the bride’s parents. A get together for 200 people, members of both families meeting for the first time socially, isn’t that what the reception is all about? I would worry about feeling upstaged. Would people be comparing the food, the ambiance, the social experience? I don’t doubt the OP is coming from a place of generosity and love for her child and future daughter in law, but I would not be happy with any sort of dinner for 200 the night before. A rehearsal dinner, somewhere around 20-30 people depending on the size of the wedding party, would be fine with me. A late night meet-up in the hotel bar, no problem. Just not anything for 200 people.
While theoretically I agree that the COUPLE should take the lead in planning the kind of event they want, I do think that they should be considerate of the traditions and desires of their families…within reason. A wedding is the joining of two families.
Those who are calling the OP names seem to have overlooked the fact that the real problem is being caused by the MOB who is insisting on inflating the modestly-sized, intimate wedding that the couple seem to want into a huge deal by inviting something like a hundred extra people, some of whom the couple doesn’t even know! The first thing the couple needs to do to get control of their wedding is to deal with this and trim the guest list. Since they are in their 30s, paying all or part of the wedding costs would help them regain control. That way they can have the wedding they want and can afford. Maybe it will be very small. Maybe the OP would not be able to invite even the 60 on her list now. If either set of parents wants something to include more of their friends and family, there is nothing stopping them from giving a local party for the couple before or after the wedding, as jym626 did recently.
The OP has to find a reasonable compromise that will make the people she invites comfortable. I would suggest a hospitality suite at their hotel with heavy hors d’oeuvres (or an actual buffet) to supplement a small rehearsal dinner, as others have described.
I do think that parents should step in and point out issues that have to do with the comfort of the guests that the couple may not be considering. Particularly when the bride is one of those who has eaten up every delicious spoonful of that “It’s YOUR day!” poison. For example, ceremonies with long gaps in time before receptions caused by enough photography to fill the pages of Vogue in some remote must-have location, or bad scheduling at must-have ceremony and reception locations. Not enough seating. No accessible bathrooms for elderly relatives. (This one really fries me. If you are lucky enough to have living grand- or great-grandparents, treating them like inconvenient bags of laundry just sucks out loud.) No, it’s NOT all about you. If you fail to provide for the comfort of your guests and insist upon acting like a petulant teenager, you are showing that you are not mature enough to embark upon marriage, IMHO. I hasten to add that the OP’s S and FDIL don’t seem to have reached anything anywhere near that level of inconsiderateness.
“It’s how many years later and you are still trash talking their hamburgers. That isn’t exactly gracious.”
They didn’t make the hamburgers 
Ok, fine, I give. You’re right, I’m being condescending and patronizing towards this hamburger joint.
I am just following this up as an example of how we all see our way as the only way. In the culture in which I was raised, your parents had no right to question the rehearsal dinner plans of the groom’s parents. It would be rude. All the compromise here was on the part of the groom’s parents, even to giving up the traditional night for the rehearsal dinner. All they didn’t do, so far as I can tell, was allow your parents to dictate their rehearsal dinner planning to suit your parent’s idea of appropriateness. As far as I know, the rehearsal dinner they gave was absolutely the norm and perceived as perfect by their family and friends, though perhaps odd as to being on the “wrong” night. However, that would have been explained and accepted as an accommodation of the bride’s family being from a different culture and that is just how they do things. At least, I hope so.
Based on what you write, the parents of the groom behaved perfectly. They were extremely gracious. At least one member of the bride’s family is still criticizing a rehearsal dinner, which may have been absolutely appropriate for the hosting family’s culture. What I am reading is your parents wanted to plan the both reception and rehearsal dinner and have groom’s parents pay their share. Of course there is obviously a lot of the story I don’t know. It sounds like this was a monumental cultural clash to me. Your sister wasn’t married in your family’s religion. I have no idea if she had converted to her fiancee’s. She wasn’t married in her hometown. She was already living with fiancee (?) Lots happening here to potentially have folks on edge. imho
eta:
short version: Of course my reading is necessarily impacted by my background. Your reaction was impacted by yours. What looks “all wrong” to you looks “absolutely correct” to me.
" What I am reading is your parents wanted to plan the both reception and rehearsal dinner and have groom’s parents pay their share.."
Oh no, alh – absolutely not! Sorry for the confusion here. Once the differing expectations were out on the table (them: a rehearsal dinner is for those walking up the aisle, us: a rehearsal dinner is for out-of-towners). my parents’ solution was to suggest that the groom’s side do their rehearsal dinner exactly as they intended except moved up a day - and that THEY (meaning my parents) would host and pay for the out-of-towners on Fri night (which remember was all “our people” anyway). I can assure you that there was never any attempt to dictate their event or extort a share from them for the Fri night event. And of course the groom’s immediate family was invited to the hospitality suite.
Hope this clarifies.
The ADA mandates “reasonable accommodations” which means one which doesn’t impose excessive cost burdens on the owners/trustees of the house nor detract from the historical character of the house…especially if it has historical landmark status.
In short, that house may have some exemptions from ADA mandates on account of its historical status. If this is the case, then they have a perfect right to host events of this type even with such exemptions.
In such situations, it’s up to the parties considering reserving such a space to be aware of such lack of accomodations by doing research and basing their decision on it…such as opting to host their event elsewhere if allowances for elderly relatives/guests are required like anything related to a wedding.
BTW, a friend of mine was talked into not having enough seating for all her wedding guests at one time by her caterer, who said it would make the party “flow.”
What actually happened was that all of the parental generation and older took all of the seats at tables, and “saved” them with coats and purses, so that her age cohort–us–had no place to sit to eat, or at any other point. The menu, including carved roast beef, was not conducive to eating with a fork alone. We ended up sitting on some large, upturned flowerpots so that we could use knife and fork on our laps. (It was a greenhouse/conservatory.) She was a bit upset when she found us, but we assured her that we were perfectly fine.
Cobrat, my son has never planned a big, catered party, nor has his g/f. When I did such events, I got lots of good advice from my mom and others. I want a wedding to be a good memory.
As I mentioned some 100 posts before, OP will speak to the event planner at this historic venue, and learn about their accommodations. She can also tentatively book a block of rooms. Once date set, the wedding kids could let out of towners know, so they can book flights and rooms.
I read this thread thru carefully, as I could be in OP’s shoes. Someday. We all have lots to learn.