So many mines in the wedding minefield. I often end up anxious when I read the CC wedding threads. I remember my own daughters’ weddings in a pleasant, hazy glow. Things went wrong at both, of course, but to my knowledge no one was more put out by those issues than I was at the time. Once I decided that we’d made a good effort and hadn’t tried to give offense in any way, I gave myself permission to remember them as great weddings. When these threads come up, I wonder - might there still be people complaining about or ridiculing our celebrations? I barely remember my own wedding, but could there be a cousin or family friend still put out about some aspect or other of that long-gone day? It’s exhausting to think about how not to offend all the participants, let alone how to actually satisfy them.
I love these threads because I hope to be a MOG one day, and I like learning about different regional customs. I want to be prepared in case one of them doesn’t marry a nice Texas girl. 
Telling your future in-laws that the venue they selected for a rehearsal dinner was a greasy dive would be rude. Mentioning that observation on an anonymous internet forum decades later is not rude, it’s a good example of how people with differing expectations worked out a lovely compromise that all were happy with. I don’t see PG saying her way was the only way, I see the opposite - everyone recognized everyone else’s traditions and preferences, and a good time was had by all.
I hope OP and her family can come to some equally agreeable arrangements.
Thank you, momofjandl!
Where I come from it is traditional for the out of town guests to be included in a Friday night rehearsal dinner as well as a Sunday morning breakfast the next morning. I’ve been included in Friday night events that are generally casual in that it is a buffet dinner with no fixed seating/place cards and people can mingle and meet/greet but seating is always provided. It is traditional in that the wedding party might offer toasts to the b & g and nice that out of town guests can get to learn a bit about the people in the wedding party. I’ve also been to out of town weddings where no information was provided for out of town guests or no gathering but since weddings were held in an inn in resort area with several inns and limited dining options, everyone seemed to gravitate to same few places or ended up in the bar at the inn where outdoor wedding was being held the next afternoon. DH enjoyed that wedding because morning of the event, out of town guests were invited to join wedding party in a round of golf, so more time to meet and greet and several in the wedding party had travelled from the UK to be in attendance. At that wedding reception however, the inn only had sit-down seating for half of those who attended at the formal dinner. The rest sort of mingled around the bar which was awkward and being that it was an inn primarily for ski season, there weren’t a lot of bathroom options to accomodate all the guests. We did still have fun.
On the other hand I’ve not been included even from very close friends when weddings were held in our area and they were hosting out of town guests the Friday night/Sunday morning or we could go back on Sunday morning if we wanted to but in our area could still mean up to a 45 minute drive.
Friends of mine just went to an out of town wedding in upstate NY for a cousin on the groom’s side. There wasn’t any Friday night dinner or gathering, no information was offered about where they might go -restaurant suggestions or things to do. They managed of course to locate a restaurant for dinner but not want they were expecting to do after driving for 5 plus hours.
At the moment, S seems to be very serious with his Chinese (from China) GF. They seem to be planning for the long term.
Talk about unfamiliar territory!
Perhaps luckily, they are both only children, and we have a very small family who are–on my side, anyway–sophisticated and open-minded. (H’s family is another matter…)
I’m looking for advice on Chinese wedding customs from Chinese parents, since my entire store of knowledge on the subject comes from Ang Lee’s movie “The Wedding Banquet.” 
To me a lot depends on what city the wedding is in. Out of town guests might LIKE some down time with nothing planned. I remember a family wedding in New York where I really wished we had more free time in the city.
I went to a Chinese banquet wedding once. It was pretty amazing - and seemed to involve all the traditions of both Western and Eastern receptions and involved at least three changes of clothes for the bride. The food was amazing, most very good though there were some delicacies I could have lived without.
My favorite rehearsal dinner hands down was at my cousin’s wedding her spouse owned a bar. They held it in their large backyard. One of the regular rock bands played and we all danced and ate pizza. It was much nicer than the very staid reception.
I have not bailed from the thread, just a very busy day at work and just getting to check in! I actually started typing this after post #163, but then had to attend to dinner, so my post will be old by the time it actually appears It also may help some of you to know, the wedding is in New Orleans which is considered a destination location to many. The bride found several venues booked by the time she looked as it is a busy season for weddings. This is why I am concerned about finding hotels sooner rather than later before they are all booked for weddings, conventions and football.
First off, I am not the one that wants a Friday night event with 200 people, that is what the B&G told me. The wedding may be as many as 300 people as the brides parents keep adding people; people the bride does not even know. Because the wedding in being held in the city the couples currently lives in, almost every guest is from out of town; not a true destination wedding, but everyone will be traveling to attend and staying in hotels. The B&G originally wanted only family and their friends, but obviously the bride’s parents have changed all that. My son made our family list and sent it to me to double check; he left off one cousin that needed to be added. I asked if I could include my 3 closest friends that my son knows well, and he said of course.
While the B&G originally wanted this stop by for a drink event, the brides parents and sisters all disagreed with that idea; I only chimed in after I heard her family also was not thrilled with that idea. The B&G now agree that a dinner or heavy hors d’oeuvres would be best for all involved. I never said I wanted a seated dinner, I just would like to have enough chairs and tables around for those that would like to sit. I am guessing that at least half of the guests will be in their 50’s and 60’s; I know after several hours on my feet, I would like to sit for a while!
As far as the wedding itself, I have made no comments other than to tell the bride to be that it all sounds lovely. My input has not been requested and it is not my event to plan. Or course if my help was wanted, I would be more than happy to help in anyway I was able to help. It is my understanding that the bride is handling all the actually wedding plans herself; maybe she is running a few things by her mom and/of sisters, but I believe she is trying to do this on her own. If she wants her wedding reception to be in multiple rooms and no tables, my mouth is zipped; at least to the B&G, I might discuss with my close friends and SIL!
I did not mean to come off as a momzilla, but I do think if I am paying $10K+ if there really are around 200 people, my opinions should be heard. I am not saying I will not do what the couple wants, but they do need to think about others.
I love the idea of a family/bridal party dinner first and some type of reception after, but at the moment that is not what the B&G want. I was even trying to figure out how we could have the family dinner at this venue and then have others come later. After talking to the woman at the venue, this is what I now know- This is a home and garden that is a museum. While events are indeed held here, it isn’t an event facility, and usually small event are held here. The only way into the house upon arrival is by a flight of stairs. There is a second set of stairs on the back of the house, both sets are exterior; no elevator or ramps. The woman told me at one even that got the elderly grandmother up the stairs with help and then just placed her there for the evening; not something I am willing to do with my parents! While in their 80’s and my MIL is 90, all three are very vibrant; they will want to be in the middle of everything, not discarded like a old suitcase. My son adores his grandparents, so when he realizes that this venue may mean they will not be an active part of the weekend, I believe he would be disappointed. Neither the B or G even though about the issue with the steps until I mentioned it; it isn’t that they are uncaring, it just didn’t cross their mind as they don’t see the grandparents daily. There is a bathroom on the lower level, so that is good. The main room is upstairs so this is usually where food and tables would be set. The balcony and gardens are more for viewing and walking around. The woman said the terrace could be tented for inclement weather, although I forgot to ask how many it would hold. Still the issue is food is usually set up upstairs, so again, the grandparents could not come and go at will.
The couple has an idea in their head about what they want in the Friday evening plans, but because they only want the French Quarter, finding some place that can hold the number of people they have now decided to include has not been easy. My though at the moment would be to offer the venue they want assuming we could figure out how to have a dinner there for the family and bridal party, and then have others come later for drinks and maybe dessert. The venue is expensive for rental alone; then add the cost of tables, chairs, linens, food, drinks, decorations, etc… as it is a venue only, you have to provide everything else yourself. I do not want to have dinner at one place and then rent this place for just drinks and such.
So, we are still working on details and I will try to see what other venues would give the couple what they want, and still allow for the comfort of all the guest. Someone mentioned earlier about maybe the grandparents not attending; that is not an option for anyone involved! I don’t know about others here, but I would never consider leaving my parents or MIL behind unless they were bedridden. If they had to be wheeled or carried in, they will be in attendance. We are penciled in for this venue at the moment and they will call us if someone else wants the date; until then I am looking into other locations. It might be if the couple have to have the FQ, this is the best we can do. Or, they may realize maybe something different will work better with their numbers. Until they have a real list together, I truly don’t know how many people we are talking about. At one point the bride said they didn’t need to include all there our of town company and the next minute they are talking about including small children of their friends since the friends will be bringing them to town with them.
We went to a wedding a couple of years ago where really…the entire guest list of 250 people had traveled a long distance to attend. The wedding was on Saturday night. The actual real,rehearsal,and dinner (bridal party and immediate familes only) was actually on Thirsday.
Friday night the parents of the groom held a fabulous barbecue, complete with a blue grass band. It was great.
And Sunday morning there was a brunch for anyone who wished to attend.
We are going to a destination wedding this winter. Only 60 or so guests. Everyone is invited to a welcome cocktail reception on Thursday, the rehearsal dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday.
Years ago, went to a wedding held on a ranch inTexas. It was a four day long event hosted mostly by the bride’s family. Everyone stayed at the ranch for three or four days. It was so much fun! That one included three meals,a,day for three of the days…the wedding families said,it,was,way less expensive to do,this ranch thing than to have a wedding in Dallas.
I think things like this vary depending on the families, and the locations of the events.
In the cases above, there was no disagreement about the desire for all of these events…for all of the invited guests.
“The main room is upstairs so this is usually where food and tables would be set. The balcony and gardens are more for viewing and walking around. The woman said the terrace could be tented for inclement weather,”
Usually, but not always… Could be tented… Rays of hope.
snowball, do an internet search for Steamboat Natchz. One of my friends is originally from NOLA and her brother is one of the owners. I have no idea what it would cost, but they do have the capacity to accommodate your numbers. Just a suggestion…
I will send you a PM, snowball
Snowball, I got married in New Orleans in a similar situation to your son’s. Finding a place in the French quarter for a large party will be a challenge. Most big hotels are just outside the French quarter. The Omni royal orleans may be big enough, or the Monteleone. The newly renamed Roosevelt would be good too. It has lots of Nola history as it is the birthplace of the Sazerac cocktail and the bar still has a bullet hole from when someone tried to assassinate Huey P. Long.
I would be careful with any steamboats. We looked at that option but it seemed too rigid in that they start moving at a set time and then your guests are stuck. Difficult to walk around outside in fancy clothes, small bathrooms, etc. it would be a fun optional activity though.
ETA the Roosevelt is just outside the FQ
I’ve been on planning committees for scores of law firm parties and retreats and I can categorically say that events at historical houses and museums are infinitely more complicated and expensive to plan than an event in a casual restaurant. I would keep my earlier suggestion in mind – perhaps saying that the venue is much more complicated than you had envisioned and that you were hoping to find a simpler option. The rentals alone will likely run in thousands of dollars. You mentioned that the bride really isn’t into all the details; she may be persuaded by such a pitch.
Rehearsal dinners for out of town guests tend to get a much lower response rate than the wedding itself. The wedding is a command performance for some, while most view the rehearsal dinner as something totally optional (but appreciated and fun for those who attend). Many people wont be arrive until late or on the day of the event, so I doubt you’d end up with anywhere near 200.
Could you do a more picnic like spread in the garden or on the terrace of the historic house? You could set up a table in a place of honor for your elderly relatives.
Oh, I hope the cc community can come through …
In no way should they be limiting themselves just to the Quarter for a pre-wedding dinner event. There are lots of great options in other areas of the city. Many of them accessible by transit as well if that is a factor (and I would guess it is if people are flying in–a car is more trouble than its worth).
Note, I do not live in NO but live not far and visit often.
And goodness, if the wedding is in NO you do need to reserve a block of rooms ASAP. Tons of great options but depending on other events/time of year they can get snapped up quickly.
Funny you mention the Roosevelt; originally the bride thought that would be a great hotel for the out of town guest. I don’t know if she has actually called to get pricing for a block of rooms, but it is on the list for me to call.
The Roosevelt is gorgeous. And so close the the quarter that for logistical purposes it’s not much different. And tons of history But completely renovated well after Katrina, so all accessible.
I attended a formal dinner for a couple hundred people in New Orleans. The highlight was gathering at a hotel plaza, being handed a feather mask, a handful of beads to toss and being led by a small jazz band down the main street while forming our own parade. We ended a few blocks later at our dinner location. Just an off the wild thought to making the journey to a non FQ restaurant enjoyable.