Mother of the groom needs advice

<p>S1 got engaged earlier this month. We really like our FDIL, so that’s not the issue. It’s the wedding itself, and I don’t want to get myself in trouble with them by bringing up things that concern me. For one, we have a good relationship now and I don’t want to jeopardize it. The wedding isn’t likely to be for another 18 months, but they’re already starting to plan.</p>

<p>They’re trying to find a venue partway between where our family lives and where her family lives. They’ll likely be living across country by next fall, still 9 months before the wedding. I was happy to hear that S had nixed the idea of having the wedding in her mother’s backyard like 2 of her sisters did. We wouldn’t feel very comfortable doing that as we’ve never met them and I’m not sure when we will.</p>

<p>S and FDIL are adamant about paying for the whole wedding themselves. Her family doesn’t really have the financial resources, hence the at-home weddings. We’ve told S that we would be willing to help them financially (but not pay for the whole thing), but I doubt they’ll take us up on it. Given that, they obviously have all the say on how it goes.</p>

<p>They’re at our house for New Year’s and told us that they’ve already made up the guest list. But they’ve never asked us who we’d like to invite. Isn’t it customary for the bride’s family to come up with a list, the groom’s family to do the same, and the couple to do so, and then whittle it down to a reasonable number? We have close friends who we’ve told about the wedding, but who knows if they’re on the kids’ guest list. Is it appropriate to bring this up? Can we offer to give them money to pay for guests they weren’t including?</p>

<p>S also said he wants a buffet meal at the reception because he wants to eat as much as he wants. Does he think this is an all-you-can-eat restaurant? I can’t imagine caterers will take a head count and then provide you with as much food as you want. Not to mention that I don’t like buffets at weddings. I hate standing in line like I’m at a cafeteria. I wouldn’t tell him that he can’t have a buffet, but is it appropriate to suggest that they price out both buffets and sit-down meals, and ask questions of caterers about how the buffet works if that’s how they choose to go (I can’t imagine that there’d be as much food as S imagines)?</p>

<p>And then there’s the elephant in the room…we’re Jewish, she’s Christian. We have no idea what kind of ceremony they plan to have. Can we ask them what thy’re planning to do? Should we just ask our S about that and not potentially put FDIL on the spot?</p>

<p>I know we’re very early in the process and that the wedding is only one day. But I’m not sure how long I can bite my tongue. Help!</p>

<p>Lots of considerations. </p>

<ol>
<li>The BEST wedding we have been to in a LONG time was a great brunch BUFFET. It was fabulous. The bride and groom wanted a nice wedding meal, but not the expense of a sit down dinner. It was fabulous. At a family wedding, we also were treated to a terrific buffet dinner. I wouldn’t worry about this AT ALL. Buffets at weddings can be very nice…and the caterer knows that NOT everyone will be eating like a horse.</li>
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<p>Many weddings now have “stations” which are like little buffet lines. One for meat, one for pasta, one for salads and breads. Very common! </p>

<p>You don’t stand in line like at a cafeteria. You are called up table by table. </p>

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<li>Guests…we paid for our whole wedding. We invited only family members and a couple of OUR friends. We invited NOT ONE family friend of either set of parents. This was not a payback time…it was our wedding.</li>
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<p>My suggestion on that one…see if you can have a little party of some sort next time the couple comes to visit.</p>

<p>Your friends will understand. Guest lists at weddings are sometimes limited.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I’m Jewish, husband is Catholic. We had a justice of the peace marry us…it was NOT something we discussed with our families. We just made the arrangements. </p></li>
<li><p>If it were me, I would try to acknowledge the nice plans the couple is making rather than find things that you would like to see done in a different way. I know that is what you are doing! It is going to be a lovely celebration regardless of the food, friend guests, or officiant.</p></li>
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<p>Yeah, I haven’t had to go through this yet, but I’d say just keep reminding yourself that it is THEIR wedding and especially if THEY are paying, let them do it their way. </p>

<p>My favorite weddings have been the smallest and least formal ones. Mine was very traditional and family pleasing, and while it was nice, it is not among my favorites. </p>

<p>I kind of hope my kids elope.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Buffets have come a long way in the wedding world–most of what I’ve seen recently are of the ‘station’ type. Depending upon where they are located geographically, what type the venue is, and what type of foods, sit down meals for a wedding can be VERY expensive. For example, in my location, a 3 course sit down meal at an average venue will run $110-140 per person. You can see how that adds up very quickly, especially if they’re paying for it. The “oh, I want to eat as much as I want” may be a cover for “I can’t afford a sit down meal but I still want to provide food.” Another wedding on the cheap trend is to do heavy passed hors d’oeuvres vice providing a meal…so at least they want to provide a meal!</p></li>
<li><p>If you’re that concerned about their guest list, offer to throw them an engagement party or dinner in your area and invite the people that you feel miffed they didn’t. Honestly, most people these days understand that weddings are expensive and aren’t offended if they’re left off the guest list. They’re paying for it, so if they aren’t friends of the couple, family, or family friends that are on the level of family…they’re probably going to be cut from the list.</p></li>
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<p>It’s their wedding and they are footing the bill, so it gets to be how THEY want it. Not everyone has the same tastes, whether it be decor, music, food, venue, dress, or whatever it is–but let them do things their way and enjoy the celebration!</p>

<p>Another vote here for letting them do it their own way on their own dime.</p>

<p>Then at some time and place that is convenient for all of you, throw them a nice little “the kids are in town for a visit” party and invite everyone you would have put on a wedding guest list had you been asked. Back in the last century, Happydad and I took two friends with us to the judge’s house and got married there. Grad school friends threw us a party a week later, cousins had a cake at the next family reunion, his mom had friends over for dinner when we were in her city at New Years, and my parents had a full-on Iowa pig roast for us when we were there a year later. </p>

<p>You have many more (and better) options than you think.</p>

<p>My kid was married a few years ago. The couple planned the wedding. Parents contributed money, but I haven’t a clue how much the other side paid. I only know how much my exH paid because I got involved tangentially in the negotiations. I don’t think he knows how much I paid. </p>

<p>If you want to help financially, I’d suggest you offer to pay the entire cost for one event, e.g., tell them that you think it would be nice to have a rehearsal dinner for both families and the wedding party the night before the wedding. Or you could offer to pay for a brunch the morning after the wedding for the same group. Ask them how many people that would be and the probable guest list. This would enable you to find out how many members of your family are going to be invited.</p>

<p>Another possibility is to offer to pay for one item–the flowers,the wedding cake, the limos, the rental tuxes if they are having them, the music: band, DJ, whatever. This can be a mix of finding out what kind of wedding they plan and taking care of the item that matters to you. A friend of mine was appalled by the thought of having a DJ, for example, so she paid for a live band at her S’s wedding. He and his bride loved having one, but it wasn’t one of the items they would have budgeted for. My friend didn’t try to take over the wedding planning; she just listened to their plan and said something along the lines of “I think a live band would be better. If you agree, I’ll be glad to pay for one.” </p>

<p>I wasn’t asked to come up with a guest list. Instead my kid told me how many people I could invite and then it was up to me to decide whom to include. I think I made some decisions my kid would not have anticipated. I got the smallest number of invitations among the parents, but that was because I have the smallest family. My kid didn’t say “You can only invite X” but something along the lines of "We’d appreciate it if you limited your guests to about X including [family members] but let us know if you need a couple more and we’ll cut a few friends. " </p>

<p>I think you CAN ask which members of your family and friends they intend to invite, saying that you’d like to be able to arrange to stay at the same hotel or travel together, etc. </p>

<p>UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES offer to pay for “your” guests. Remember that her family can’t afford to do this. Thus, adding a lot of “your” guests is going to cause resentment on the other side if they walk into the reception and her family realizes that there are lots of the groom’s parents friends at the wedding but none of the bride parents’ friends. Having to explain that the groom’s parents paid for their friends to come will only cause more resentment.</p>

<p>I also wouldn’t worry about having a buffet. Many people prefer them. The “eat a lot” types are balanced out by the “don’t eat much” types. It’s certainly not going to be announced as an “ALL YOU CAN EAT!!!” buffet.</p>

<p>Traditionally the grooms family doesn’t get involved in the wedding planning (there are some exceptions). OTOH, they also don’t usually pay and if they do it’s a choice. In your case the couple is paying (and it is THEIR wedding) so the choices should be theirs.</p>

<p>My D is getting married and H and I are paying for the entire wedding. We would gladly give up some choices in return for not having to pay for it!</p>

<p>I think the kids are sending you a clear message by not accepting your money, they want to do this themselves and they get to. I don’t think vetoing the backyard wedding was reasonable, neither is getting upset about a buffet. I understand your disappointment about not getting to contribute to the guest list, but they are paying and they want to decide how large/intimate of a wedding they want and if they let you pay for your guests they are relinquishing control-- not to mention that her family can’t afford to do the same, and how fair is that? Do you think a wedding made up of 80% your side that you paid for and 20% her side that the kids paid for will be less awkward than a wedding in DIL’s moms backyard? I don’t think so at all.</p>

<p>Full disclosure, my wedding is in May and my mom is paying. That alone is not comfortable. This wedding is almost twice as large as I’d originally wanted thanks to moms guest list and now we can’t afford to do many of the things or details that I wanted-- every other aspect of my budget, including things mom is NOT paying for, is affected by the larger guest list-- the kids cant just take your money to pay for their meals and call it even, their whole wedding will cost more with a larger guest list and they dont WANT you paying. My FMIL didn’t want to contribute a guest list and further burden us, bless her heart, but their family is even smaller than my small family and they won’t invite anybody else so now we are looking at 5 of his family members, 15 of his coworkers, and 130 from my side the majority of which wasnt on my original list. but i heard endlessly about how all of these people ive never heard of are ENTITLED to participate in my day, and mom is paying, so i am incredibly pressured. It is a HEADACHE and you are clearly very opinionated about what this wedding should be. Let your S avoid the headache and do what they want to do. It will be beautiful, you’ll see.</p>

<p>Something to be careful about is you’ve described a large difference in means and expectations of weddings between you and the brides family. Be careful that your criticisms don’t come off as, “a backyard wedding isnt good enough for THIS family!” Your sons future in laws are his family now too and their customs now apply to him as well. By putting your foot down about things that are normal to her family (indeed, MANY families) risks drawing a line in the sand that will really complicate your sons life going forward.</p>

<p>You should cut your tongue out before you complain about anything on your list. NONE of it is something you should interfere with. In fact, it would be better if they did get married in the bride’s yard – so what if you have never been there?? Putting it halfway in the middle means everyone has to travel and pay for lodging, and it is just inconvenient to deal with little stuff like centerpieces, etc. if you aren’t near someone’s home. If you think they are doing that to make you happy, you might want to volunteer that you have no issues with them getting married in the bride’s hometown (or at her house) if that is what they want to do.</p>

<p>This wedding is NOT about you. It is about them, what kind of ceremony and celebration they want, and who they want to invite. Just keep repeating, “It isn’t about me…”</p>

<p>I haven’t been a MOG but I’ve been a MOG three times so far! I absolutely agree that these decisions are theirs, not yours. If they seek your input, then I would feel free to give it but otherwise, you should respect what they are choosing. As for the guestlist, have you seen it? Is there some reason that you can’t ask who they’re planning to invite? All three of our Ds discussed the guestlist, along with the grooms, with both sets of parents, including the number limit set by each venue they’d chosen. All were interested in only family and very close friends to attend. The family friends that my H and I chose to put on the list were all people who had known our Ds since childhood, some since birth! I don’t like the idea of weddings as payback for having attended someone else’s child’s wedding or as an occasion to include business colleagues, etc., so we were fine with that decision by our Ds and their grooms.</p>

<p>With five Ds, we’ve been to a lot of weddings in recent years. Probably half were sit-down dinners and the other half were “stations”. I haven’t seen a true buffet style reception in years and years, where everyone lines up like a cafeteria. Do they still exist? I actually prefer the ‘‘stations’’ style reception. The variety of food is lovely and you can be sure that there is something that everyone can enjoy, rather than the three or four selections usually provided with a sit-down dinner. Two of our Ds had ‘‘stations’’ receptions and the price was equivalent to a sit-down, if you choose a nice selection of options. And, yes, there is plenty of food.</p>

<p>I don’t think there’s anything wrong with inquiring as to the type of ceremony, as long as there isn’t an obvious indication of disapproval expressed if the answer isn’t what you want it to be. If they’re coming for a visit over New Year’s, that seems like a great time to celebrate together and I’m sure they’ll be ready and anxious to share all their plans with you.</p>

<p>Congrats! Weddings are fun!</p>

<p>Edited to add that I don’t agree that traditionally the groom’s parents don’t get involved in the planning. For the three Ds weddings we’ve been through so far, the groom’s parents were definitely included in the discussions by our Ds and the grooms. My H and I paid entirely for two of the weddings and for most of the other, so that had nothing to do with our desire, and that of our Ds, to make the groom’s family feel included.</p>

<p>It’s not your wedding - it’s theirs. You really have no say especially as parents of the groom. To interject yourselves will only cause problems. </p>

<p>The couple has already indicated this to you by creating the guest list without consulting you. It’s more than a hint.</p>

<p>Note that shellfell’s son is the one who nixed the backyard wedding idea, and shellfell wasn’t opposed because it wasn’t good enough but rather because she has never met these people – she’ll feel more comfortable at a wedding in more neutral territory.</p>

<p>I just don’t see why “neutral territory” is required, for heaven’s sake. This isn’t a parley, it is a celebration of two young people joining their lives together. Usually weddings do take place in one of the participant’s home town, and often at their house or their church… it is almost never “neutral territory”, and why should it be if there is good will on all sides?</p>

<ol>
<li>Venue is obviously up to them, I’m kind of baffled why you think a backyard wedding would be so awful. My brother got married in his aunt’s back yard and the brides parents certainly didn’t know her. She’s a very nice person, it worked out fine. We got married on the opposite coast of both our parents, who then threw a reception for us when we were in town so their friends could see us. At any rate, I’m not sure a midpoint location is necessarily the most practical depending on how far apart everyone is. We had our wedding where our friends were, since they were the ones who couldn’t afford to travel. </li>
<li>When they brought up the fact that they already had a guest list, was the moment for you to ask them who they were inviting. That was your moment to tell them Great Aunt Marge’s feelings will be hurt for all time if she isn’t invited, and she will/won’t probably show up if invited, while you reiterate you understand it’s their wedding and their choice. The bride and groom get to decide if they want a big or small wedding and who comes, but it’s fine for you to suggest who you’d like to be there and why. Just do it once. No nagging allowed. I wouldn’t offer them money to add to your side of the guest list. </li>
<li>I like buffet weddings. Had one myself and people talked forever about how yummy the food was. We had a much nicer meal than we would have if it had been sit down.</li>
<li>I see no problem with asking what sort of wedding they are planning. We got married by a judge in a non-denominational ceremony. I’ve seen just about every combination of religious and cultural traditions. Just remember you are going to say “That sounds lovely,” to whatever they tell you they have planned. If you can’t do that don’t ask.</li>
<li>I like the idea of offering to pay for one thing. It makes it seem more like a gift than helping to pay for the wedding. </li>
</ol>

<p>You don’t need to hold your tongue, but you need to be positive and supportive about their plans. In fact they are probably wondering why you seem so uninterested in what they are up to.</p>

<p>I think that’s ridiculous. I’d never been to Washington state before and I still flew in from Detroit and socialized with dozens of people I’d never met before the whole weekend-- along with the whole rest of the family. It’s a wedding, that’s what you do.</p>

<p>I have been to two weddings in the last year and both were buffet, and they weren’t stations. It worked out fine. In one at least 8-10 people could serve themselves at a time and that guest list was probably under 100, the other was closer to 150 and they had three long tables set up and 8-10 people per table could serve themselves at once. In neither wedding did the entire party jump up and rush the buffet at the same time, nobody stood in line for more than a minute or two and the food stayed hot long after everyone had stopped eating. In both cases a LOT of food was leftover, at my fiance’s sister’s wedding we went back for seconds and thirds because nobody else was eating anymore and so much food was still left. It was fine, and delicious. She served a nice roast beef, a delicious marinated chicken, salad, pasta, rolls, cheese, potatoes, etc etc and it was all laid out very elegantly-- not like a cafeteria. My cousin’s wedding was more like a cafeteria but it was filled with TONS of food and it was fun to have so many choices. It worked out. In both examples above, the couples paid for their own wedding.</p>

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Maybe FDIL’s family likes the tradition of backyard weddings. What’s wrong with backyard weddings? Why wouldn’t you feel comfortable?</p>

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If they want a buffet, they should have a buffet. As you wrote, they probably won’t take you up on your offer to contribute money, so you really have no say whatsoever. </p>

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Yes, ask S without FDIL around, because you might not like their response to you.</p>

<p>This thread reminds me of the one from last summer where the East Coast groom’s family was concerned that the West Coast bride’s family wasn’t making the wedding formal enough. </p>

<p>If you pay for the rehearsal dinner, make sure you don’t make it so fancy that it makes the wedding reception the next day look shabby.</p>

<p>Jonri; Great idea about paying for one item. As plans get more firmed up we can decide what we’d like to offer to pay for. Knowing S, they may still refuse.</p>

<p>We already figured we’d pay for a rehearsal dinner for out-of-town guests, although in this case everyone may be from out of town so I"m not sure how that will work.</p>

<p>You’re all making me feel better about the buffet. I reallize it’s an economic issue and we’ve been to cocktail hours with stations. But you’d have to know my S…in his case, he’s thinking about how many second and third servings he can have. He’ll have to find out how much food the caterer plans to have on hand.</p>

<p>Re: the guest list. We have good friends who live far away who would probably come to attend a wedding (we’ve been to their kids), but probably wouldn’t come for an engagement party. I also have an uncle and cousins that S hasn’t seen very often, but who I talk to and see annually who always ask about him. I can bet they’re not on the guest list, but DH’s cousins probably are. Also, her family is much larger than ours, so I doubt that we would end up with more invitees anyway. They haven’t told us how many people on our side will be invited so I’m just making assumptions. I realize that since they’re paying for it, the guest list would have to be limited and they’d make the final decisions. We may have to unruffle feathers of long-distance friends who’ve invited us to their children’s weddings. </p>

<p>We went to a very fancy, expensive family wedding this summer and all agreed that it was too much. We knew that at the time S got married, his wedding would not resemble that one, and that was just fine with us. </p>

<p>It is their day. It’s their expense. It’s their choice. I’ll just keep repeating that mantra for the next 18 months anytime I feel the urge to say something.</p>

<p>You’d have to ‘unruffle’ feathers of people who invited you to their children’s weddings? That concept baffles me–nobody has the same set of circumstances when it comes to invitees to a wedding. Small or large wedding, small or large venue, price, location, etc., all of that stuff plays a role in the invite list. What would they do if your S and FDIL planned a destination wedding? Or if S and FDIL only wanted a small, exclusive list of family and their friends?</p>

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<p>I really wonder how SHE feels about this. If both of her sisters did, it seems like something of a family tradition, no? </p>

<p>I <em>am</em> getting married essentially in my parents’ backyard (front yard, actually… they live on a lake). I’d have been crushed if my fiance “nixed” the idea. </p>

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<p>From your mouth to my FMIL’s ears lol</p>

<p>Enjoy the day :)</p>

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<p>This is not a reason for your son and his fianc</p>