<p>S was the one who said he didn’t want it in his FMIL’s backyard. He’s been one of the weddings there and made that decision on his own. I never said anything to him about that. Her last sister who got married didn’t have her wedding in her mother’s backyard, so it’s not a family tradition. </p>
<p>They were the ones who said they wanted to look for a venue between the 2 families. I don’t necessarily agree that that’s a practical solution, but they need to find that out for themselves.</p>
<p>As I said in my previous post, our family is much smaller than the bride’s family. Her parents are divorced so there are 2 families on her side. And the friends I’m hoping would be invited have known S since birth; it’s not just payback for having been invited to their children’s weddings.</p>
<p>I came here to get advice. I haven’t said anything to them other than wishing them happiness. I haven’t shown them any disappointment or negativity. I came here so I could vent those things and get the wise counsel of people here.</p>
<p>Shell, if her family is much bigger, they’re probably not inviting all of her family. </p>
<p>I come from an extremely small family and he comes from an extremely large one. We’re inviting about equal numbers from both sides. I bet you a donut they’re doing something similar given their budget.</p>
<p>Shellfell, I get what you are saying. You need a place to express concerns and feel things out that you can’t do in your real life. My D isn’t engaged yet, but she has been with her boyfriend for five years. He has a huge, close-knit italian American family. Easily 150 of relatives he expects to invite, whereas my family will not fill more than one table. I don’t love that and fully expect to discuss that here, but, like you, I will bite my tongue with my D.</p>
<p>OP: For what its worth we are planning a wedding with some similarities. Many of the questions are well intended and things that should be asked. </p>
<p>My husband and I were married by a rabbi at a country club that didn’t have a lot a Jewish members. Mr. Ellebud isn’t Jewish…I am. We had a rabbi (our call). There are questions that should be explored prior to marriage. We knew that my secular Jewish roots would be the way we raised our children. And we did.</p>
<p>Ellebud the 1st’s fiancee is from a more religious family than my family was. Upfront: we are paying for most of the wedding. The mob has several friends who won’t eat anything that isn’t kosher…mob is bringing in sealed kosher food for them. Bride wants a really traditional ceremony…I didn’t know most of it, but said to the bride…no problem.</p>
<p>One reason a sit down dinner is “better”…look at the guest list. Young people can move…a lot…some older people…not so much. A buffet is more expensive btw. </p>
<p>Backyard weddings can be amazing. Please note: It can be quite expensive to get the yard “ready”, renting portatoilets et al. Rentals are VERY expensive. </p>
<p>As for who pays: Assuming the couple knows what they need to do, let them make decisions. If you give them an early wedding gift, no strings attached…let them decide where they want to spend their money.</p>
<p>Shellfell, when my husband and I got married, we invited NO ONE who hadn’t met both of us more than once. This included extended family members (aunts and uncles one of us had never met). We invited NO friends of either the grooms family or my family. This was NOT a “payback time” for our parents’ friends who had invited our parents to their kids weddings. To be honest, that made no difference to US at all. </p>
<p>If your son wants seven helpings, there will be plenty of food for him to have. He is saying that now, but when the wedding day comes, he may actually not eat much at all.</p>
<p>Re: the rehearsal dinner…I know you want to invite ALL of the out of town guests…but that sounds like the whole guest list. You don’t want a mini wedding. This is one time to ask the wedding couple who THEY want at that rehearsal dinner. If they say the wedding party and immediate family only, then go with that. Back in the day, that WAS who was included in the rehearsal dinner…not every out of town guest. </p>
<p>When the time comes, maybe you can include your FDIL in helping to select your clothing for the wedding…pictures, suggestions, even a shopping trip if she happens to be in town. You want to include her too in your parts of the planning.</p>
<p>It’s going to be wonderful! It is! It may not be exactly what you would choose, but it’s going to be a terrific wedding!</p>
<p>Re: the backyard wedding. I’m not opposed to backyard weddings. Her sisters’ were small ones with no contingencies for weather other than moving the festivities inside the house. I think they decided they wanted more people than the backyard could accomodate. If FDIL absolutely wanted it in her mother’s backyard, then it would be there.</p>
<p>Re the backyard wedding - just as having way more guests for one of the side of the wedding than the other could feel intimidating to the small side, having a wedding in the backyard of the other family’s home – the home of people you’ve never met – could make you feel a stranger at an affair that you want to feel very personal to you. I can understand why someone might be concerned about it.</p>
<p>Yes, we’ve warned S he’s probably not going to have time to eat as much as he thinks he will. DH and I went out to dinner after our wedding because I hardly ate at all at the reception.</p>
<p>Shellfell, congratulations to you and your son!</p>
<p>I hope my son marries at some point and I’ll enjoy whatever celebration he plans.
You seem very sensitive to the engaged couples ideas. I don’t hear any intrusion into their plans from what you’ve posted at all.</p>
<p>I come here to CC for advice on everything because there are such smart, supportive people here ready to help.
I say it’s smart to vent to ‘us’ rather than to your son and FDIL!</p>
<p>Rather than inviting ALL out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner, why don’t you just invite whomever the wedding couple wants (usually wedding party at the very least) and then put together a list of suggested restaurants or things into the gift bags, if you’re doing that. That way you’re not inviting everyone to the rehearsal dinner, but still not leaving them out in the cold since they are from out of town.</p>
<p>Bevhills, yes it’s expensive to set up a back yard wedding in suburban Hollywood. That is not universally the case, however. Also, the price of a buffet in some parts of the country is less than a sit down dinner…YMMV. And it depends on what is ON the buffet. We had a backyard wedding with 35 people at a house with three bathrooms. We did NOT rent ports potties. We didn’t need to.</p>
<p>We went to a wedding a few summers ago. The rehearsal dinner was a sit down affair with steak and such…lovely but was definitely a few cuts above the actual wedding itself. That was a bit awkward, in my opinion. For that backyard rehearsal dinner, the grooms family put out an email for utensils and those of us who had them, loaned them. Ditto the serving vessels. They actually bought 50 plates for $1 each…way cheaper than renting. The friends also tossed in linen tablecloths and napkins. They didn’t rent a thing.</p>
<p>But that is for families who are pitching in work time to make a backyard wedding happen. It is not for those who want a backyard wedding with no work themselves. THAT can cost about the same as an event at a venue.</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to put you on the defensive, shellfell. You do need a place to air out your concerns and that is okay. My own FMIL, who I think is an angel, has aired out some similar concerns to me about my fiance’s brother’s upcoming wedding… I know she means well, as do you, and she just needs some time to wrap her head around a departure from her normal traditions. That is okay. It’s just the way the first message came across, you seemed very opinionated and judgmental and there are SO MANY people who run into a wedding that isn’t theirs guns blazing and trying to control everything, but I can see now you are not one of those people. I think it will all work out. It is okay to ask questions of your S, just try not to make them loaded questions and ask anything controversial to your S in private. Watch your reactions-- in everything except the most dire of circumstances your reaction should be pleasant even if it isn’t really. You can hurt a lot of feelings if you aren’t careful even when you mean well.</p>
<p>I am guessing that you will have to unruffle some feathers, even if it doesn’t seem right that you should have to. I am learning that there is a lot of entitlement about weddings. Everybody thinks they should be invited and that their traditions should be followed, very few people seem to actually care about or consider what the bride and groom want. But in this day and age, it just isn’t realistic to invite everybody who would want to come, and it isn’t fair to expect that of the bride and groom. I think it would be great if rather than participating in the drama and pressuring your S to include more people than he wants, you could insulate your S from some of this unfair pressure, unruffle feathers if you have to and he doesn’t even need to know about it. Having to do some smoothing over won’t kill you and if you just do it with a smile on your face instead of dumping the issue on S’s lap and making him feel pressured to invite people he doesnt want will go a long way toward making this wedding more pleasant for all involved. It would be very kind and supportive of you. </p>
<p>My guess, and my hope, is that even if some feathers are ruffled most people will have enough shame not to say anything and you won’t actually have to do any unruffling. Because nobody is REALLY entitled to a wedding invitation.</p>
<p>ETA: The price of a buffet is considerably less than a sit down dinner, here, in most cases. There was one scenario in which my venue would have been cheaper as a sit down but I think it was only if I only offered one meal option and picked the cheapest one, which is something nobody would want to eat. I can offer three entrees plus a pasta, two sides, and a salad for one price, or I can offer one entree, one side, and a salad for more money or only a few dollars per person less. It’s not a good deal. If I wanted to serve a meal with the two most likely to be enjoyed entrees as choices (which are middle of the road in price), it would cost 20% more than my buffet. That is significant!</p>
<p>Shell, congratulations on your son’s engagement and thank you for starting this thread. I logged in this morning to vent-our daughter got engaged last week and we are thrilled. They are planning a large wedding to take place in less than 5 months! Many of the big details that they are planning are not even close to what I would choose and I was logging onto CC for advice. But the advice for me is right here- make whatever monetary contribution DH and I want to make (did that)and smile as they create the wedding they want. Ok, deep breath, I’m smiling… Thanks CC</p>
<p>I hope I didn’t come across as dumping on you. I didn’t mean to. </p>
<p>I did leave out one item some people offer to pay for–the photographer and/or video if you are having one. Photographers are VERY expensive and come in all different price ranges from a friend who does it for free to super expensive. The whole “buying the copyright” thing is an issue that didn’t come up a generation ago. Now, many photographers will sell you the digital photos so that you can make copies later, if you wish without violating copyright laws. It’s a nice option to have, just in case wedding photos are lost or damaged.</p>
<p>Why not throw an engagement party in your hometown and invite your friends to come meet the couple? You can do it in whatever style you want (sit down, buffet, restaurant, catered, etc) and it’s not “competing” with the wedding. If your budget / style is more lavish than what the b/g or the b’s family is accustomed to, so be it.</p>
<p>Bevhills - there’s a lot of ground between big tent, landscaping, catered backyard weddings with servers and simple, punch and cake and folding chairs backyard weddings. They can be as cheap or expensive as desired.</p>
<p>I had exactly one bite to eat at my wedding-the wedding cake for the photo. DH and I were starving afterwards. We went to our fancy wedding night hotel and ordered a pizza.</p>
<p>We’re doing a buffet-style reception on the beach. It’s being catered. Our friends are vegetarian, vegan, lactose-intolerant, gluten-intolerant, keep kosher, keep halal, are just plain picky (guilty), etc and buffet is just so much easier than a sit-down. </p>
<p>We’ve priced it out and the buffet is cheaper. We’re getting married in a foodie town (and we’re determined to keep everything as local and mom & pop as possible) and the sit-down prices were ridiculous.</p>
<p>Agree on the backyard wedding can be as lavish or simple as one wants it to be. One of the beauties of weddings in general :)</p>
<p>Please, please, please don’t interject your concerns into this. Your son isn’t fond of the backyard wedding concept, it seems he handled this fine…alone. The young couple will (or have) hashed out the guest list between the two of them. The last thing your FDIL or your son needs is after the fact input about so-and-so that wasn’t included. Your son can speak for and ‘negotiate’ his own interests in the wedding planning. Finding out that a FMIL is whispering in her fianc</p>