Mother of the groom needs advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>When DD got married we gave them a cash gift which they could use however they wanted, we told them to elope and save the cash if they wanted, absolutely no pressure at all on anything. I joined Pinterest so I could see her images and get an idea what she wanted. She did compromise from her ideal barn wedding to do it in our yard, which is lovely, but not her dream, because it was expensive to rent a place.</p>

<p>She/We kept it small, 50ish, that was plenty, it worked well, it was a lovely day and I don’t think there are any grumpy mom or MIL resentments to be recalled for the next 30 years (like my wedding ;))</p>

<p>Make it easy on the kids and easy on yourself, ask what they are planning and be supportive of it all. It’s great to be interested, just not to want to control it.</p>

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<p>Shellfell, congratulations on your son’s engagement. I think that there has been lots of advice given here already so not much to add, although as joyful as weddings and planning weddings are, there is good deal of stress involved, especially when two families and perhaps different expectations and experiences are involved. Let the couple do their planning and give advice when they ask you. I think you can certainly ask your son if they have already done a guest list for your side of the family, who is included and where are they drawing a line.
I know that when DH and I were married we did all the planning and paid for a good amount of the wedding ourselves. DH family is Orthodox Jewish and my family, secular Jews with several non-Jewish relatives. We did not have an Orthodox ceremony but we did have glatt kosher catering. In retrospect there are things that I would have done differently but after 37 years, who wouldn’t do things differently. On DH’s side only family but his family was large, on my side, family and close family friends of my parents who knew me since I was little, our friends made up the rest, about 135 people or so, no children other than my soon to be niece and nephews.
Both D’s are in longterm relationships and neither boyfriend is from our immediate area and neither is Jewish so we will wait and see how the situation develops. I don’t see big weddings for either in the future or certainly not for older d as she and boyfriend might easily go the city hall route but you never know.</p>

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I heartily disagree with this - it is insulting to guests to invite them to an engagement party but not the wedding. That is seen solely as a gift-grab, and it will not assuage anyone’s hurt feelings. In fact, it could offend people who weren’t offended by not being invited to the wedding.</p>

<p>If you want to have a separate celebration, maybe give them a first anniversary party, in which you can control the guest list.</p>

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<p>I have to agree that inviting people to an engagement party or shower to honor the couple that aren’t invited to the wedding is slippery. People that easily accept the limitations of today’s wedding lists (anyone with children this age understands these lists are most often made by the couple) may now be miffed by an inclusion to a ‘related’ event. I know people that have introduced their new DIL/SIL to extended family and close friends at large holiday parties within the year. It’s festive, people often have vacation time near the holidays, and it’s not formally tied to the wedding.</p>

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<p>Throwing them a separate party will be difficult, in addition to looking like a gift grab. S is finishing up his PhD, looking for and interviewing for jobs, and will likely be moving cross country next summer. He’s not looking to plan anything for a weekend between now and then.</p>

<p>Ema, I appreciate your apology and the points you made in your most recent post. I’m not looking to impose my idea of a wedding on them. I want it to be the celebration they want. But there are a few people we’d like to share this happy day and that may not happen. We’ll just have to live with that, and, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter all that much.</p>

<p>My intent is not to control the specifics of this wedding. I planned 2 bar mitzvahs and don’t want to be dealing with the even greater details of a wedding. </p>

<p>I came here with concerns about the guest list (I’ll accept whatever they decide and deal with friends’ hurt feelings), the buffet (I’ve been convinced that it can be very nice and I won’t have to wait in line for food), and the ceremony (still not sure how to ask about this, especially with FDIL around all weekend).</p>

<p>Thanks for the support and suggestions.</p>

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<p>Congrats, hoosiermom. Good luck to your D and FSIL getting their wedding plans done in 5 months.</p>

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<p>I disagree w Chedva. I don’t see what’s wrong at all about inviting *your friends, in *your home town, to a party in *your home in honor of the happy couple even if said people aren’t going to be invited to a wedding in a distant city which is expensive to attend. Frankly if anything it’s inviting them to the distant wedding knowing they aren’t going to attend that feels like the gift-grab. Is it the word engagement party? Fine, call it a reception then.</p>

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<p>Shellfell, it sounds like your son and FDIL have their ideas well in place. My guess is this also includes the officiant at the wedding. If it were me, I would NOT bring the subject up with your son. This couple is already sharing their wedding details with you (which is lovely). Just be patient. They will tell you how they are going to handle the ceremony at some point. And you will be thrilled with their decision!</p>

<p>Like I said, we have a Jewish/Catholic marriage. We did NOT discuss the ceremony with either of our parents. We didn’t want to get into a tug of war about religious issues. Our ceremony was done by a very close friend who happened to be a Justice of the Peace. It was perfect for us…and thankfully, no one ever questioned it!</p>

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<p>Not unusual and I’m not surprised that this is an elephant in the room.</p>

<p>If you want to really do them a favor, pull S aside for 5 minutes, ask him what they are thinking so far. If he hasn’t much thought about it, not unusual. Don’t react to anything. Really work on that.</p>

<p>Unlike ALL the wedding day plans, I feel as though you do have a right to say something on this aspect, since you passed down a heritage to your S. He may or may not wish to continue it, but if he does then it doesn’t happen by itself. How they approach this decision now can really frame the feelings for all the coming decisions they will make as a couple – holidays, home life, children. You know this is the real story of married life, and not just the ceremony. But they don’t see that far ahead, most likely, because they’re in the moment. It’s a wonderful moment for them, too.</p>

<p>At this juncture, you could recommend (not require) that he bring his fiance to a setting where she can learn and inquire, and get answers not just from him. These days, synagogues offer brief courses called “Intro to Judaism” or “Judaism Crash Course” in their own community. He shouldn’t ask her to go alone, no matter how busy he is. Rather he should attend it with her. </p>

<p>Don’t ask him to ask her to convert, and don’t insist now that the ceremony be done by a rabbi for you to smile. The classes I’m describing are not conversion classes, they are just informational surveys of Jewish history and practice. Lots of Jewish people take them too, because they missed basics. But do advise him it’s his responsibility to allow her to find some coherent explanation of his background. He might also tell you he’s ready to drop the whole thing, and you’ll have to hear that without rancor. He’s an adult.</p>

<p>If she wants him to study or attend classes, services or events now to better acquaint himself with her background, he should of course do that with her. Enthusiastically.</p>

<p>They sound like a couple who wants to own their decisions. I think the ceremony choices could flow out of their work together in the coming months, rather than try to force that issue right now.</p>

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<p>I cannot imagine my wedding day without the friends of the family who watched me grow up…some were regular players in my life, some less so, but they all were invited to the wedding. I get that the day should be about the bride and groom, but I truly think there has been a societal shift in how weddings are viewed by those involved. It used to be the norm (in our circle) to have large, extended friend/family groups at all family events (weddings, baptisms, confirmations, etc) For my wedding, it was very much a family event, in which we were the focal point, but the presence of those who watched us grow up, and were meaningful influences (some from long ago, some more recent), was a big part of why the day was so special. The pictures of extended family/friends who are now gone are a treasure. I hope my kids will be as sappy and sentimental as we were and include some of the people who might not make the “A” list, if resources allow.</p>

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<p>Personally, I’d just say something like “I want to invite my sisters and these two friends–will that work with your plans?”</p>

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<p>I think the party my parents and then the second party the in-laws had they labeled “a reception to meet the newlyweds”. It was their friends mostly, perhaps a handful of ours who couldn’t make it to the wedding. Some might have been invited to the wedding, but didn’t fly across the country, so long ago I can’t remember. We got a bunch of going away gifts as we were on our way to Germany, but it was not billed as a wedding gift grab or shower. My recollection is that we traded five travel alarms in for one suitcase! I grew up in the foreign service and so did my husband, so we really didn’t have friends who knew us forever. I can imagine that there are a handful of people who I’d invite to a local wedding if our kids ever got married for just that reason, but might not invite to a faraway wedding.</p>

<p>p3t, interesting perspective. As someone from a religion with few traditions I feel like the last thing I can do is advise them on the ceremony itself, but I also feel like it’s so not my business. But I do agree with you that one of the bigger stresses I’ve seen with friends is not realizing that religion will suddenly become more important to the significant other once the children arrive. We finessed all that by choosing a religion that none of our parents belonged to!</p>

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<p>We’re having a dinner with friends who aren’t invited to the wedding both in my home city and his home city. We’re not sure when or the details, but our wedding is a 4 hour drive away from both places. </p>

<p>It doesn’t have a label, it’s just a celebration :)</p>

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<p>With all due respect…the religious aspect of this should be dealt with by this adult engaged couple. </p>

<p>My inlaws gave us an engaged encounter weekend as an engagement present. I am not Catholic and found it very imposing and presumptuous. My husband is not a practicing Catholic. We did attend, so as not to offend anyone, but really…it did not create good will. for years we also got articles and books about interfaith marriages. I finally told my husband to make it STOP…and he did. But really…it was imposing someone else’s religious bend on us. And it was not appreciated or welcomed.</p>

<p>These are adults. Your son is completing a PhD. He is not 21 years old. Neither is his bride to be. </p>

<p>Even with religious things, my guess is they have a plan. Let them take the lead.</p>

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<p>Even if they don’t have a plan, this is a time for them to figure out those issues without pressure from outside parties IMO.</p>

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<p>My D was married in 2013 (115 or so guests). One of the things I can say is that whatever (minor) concerns I may have had about plans the couple made for their ceremony and reception totally disappeared on the day of the wedding. The couple had made good decisions (although not necessarily the ones I would have made) and the day was full of joy. Since then I have many times congratulated them on how they handled their event.</p>

<p>What I liked most about the wedding was how personal it was, and how very reflective it was of THEM.</p>

<p>Some of society’s changes in wedding planning traditions reflect the fact that couples tend to marry at a later age and are less likely to be living with parents at the point at which they became engaged. They are mature, independent adults and appreciate being treated as such.</p>

<p>Good for the OP for coming here to vent/solicit input, which I hope will help her “roll” with what the B & G decide.</p>

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<p>Ah… no. These are young adults who have every right to make their own decisions on what part of their religious or cultural heritage they want to include in their wedding and going forward in their lives. If your son wanted to share his religious and cultural heritage with his bride-to-be, then he has likely already done so. As a parent, you had the right to have your wedding and raise your children in the faith and culture you chose. Now it is time for your son to make his own choices, and the last thing he needs is a subtle or not-so-subtle shove in the direction of your religious preferences. He knows what they are… and can make up his own mind. It is pretty much guaranteed that FDIL will be offended if you just assume she “doesn’t know” enough about your religion to choose to incorporate it.</p>

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<p>I am following this thread with interest as my DS will be getting engaged in the next couple of months. I love my FDIL and am excited to see what they come up with for the wedding. I’m hoping for a destination wedding (lol) but I don’t see that happening as none of their friends have any money. I think OP came here to ask questions and possibly vent, which I may do in the future as well. Let’s try not to be too harsh. She is entitled to her opinions and she’s venting them here rather than IRL.</p>

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<p>I feel your concerns about the guests you would like to include. I think it is ok to ask your son gently about the size of the wedding – if he says very small, then that tells you something. If not, I think it is reasonable to have a non-pressuring conversation about these people. (For all you know they may be included, our sons can surprise us on occasion.)</p>

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<p>Right now they don’t seem to have much figured out beyond the guest list. And it seems that they’ve arrived at that guest list using 2 different criteria. S said he asked himself if it would matter to him if X was there and, if the answer was “no”, then X didn’t make the cut. FDIL said that since she’s got a big family, her criteria was if she’s seen them in the last 10 years. I don’t have a problem with either criteria, but it would have been nice if they used the same criteria. Frankly, I don’t think S cares if she has more guests on her side. I certainly didn’t comment on their differing criteria and haven’t asked for who specifically made the cut. I’d prefer to ask him that when we can speak to him alone so as not to make FDIL feel badly that her list may be longer.</p>

<p>Re: religion. FDIL has been very welcoming of S’ Judaism. She has fasted on Yom Kippur in solidarity with him, lit Chanukah candles and stumbled through trying to say the prayers in Hebrew, celebrated Passover with us. I couldn’t be more pleased with her acceptance of his/our religion. Frankly, I’m just curious about what they plan to do with their ceremony. (He spends Christmas with her family). I’m assuming they’ve already discussed what role religion will play in their married life and how they plan to raise children.</p>

<p>I’d just like to remind everyone that in my first post, I was asking about the appropriateness of raising any of these concerns with S and FDIL. I already had misgivings about doing that and came here for everyone else’s wisdom.</p>