<p>I have 2 girls. I think for their weddings they would want us to for it and have me do most of the planning. D1 has a very serious BF now and I wouldn’t be surprised if they should get married some day. The BF has a large family. They have already said they would limit number of family members they would invite. We have a small family, so I wouldn’t mind to give them our “quota” so our kids could invite more of their own friends. I think if the groom’s parents were to have a party for the couple in their hometown so they could share the happy occasion with friends and families it would be very nice. </p>
<p>Wedding is a lightning rod topic on CC, kind of like how much could you afford (or willing to pay) for college. Every time when someone starts a wedding thread, OP always ends up being very defensive. If someone wants a paper plate, plastic utensil kind of wedding, then stop suggesting expensive venue or flowers. If someone is looking for a sit down dinner with open bar then stop telling the person how wasteful it is and how it could be done with friends and families’ help.</p>
<p>My parents’ marriage broke up when I was just a baby precisely because both sets of their parents (one Catholic, one Jewish) had to keep interfering in my parents’ decisions and insert pressure to sway them one way or the other. Religion wasn’t an issue for them, but their parents’ hovering made it an issue that they couldn’t surmount. I cannot tell you how strong of an emotional reaction I have to the idea of parents interfering, no matter how well intended.</p>
<p>I hope you can arrange to meet your son’s new in-laws before too long – it would be really nice if that wasn’t something that waited until the wedding. We took our parents out to dinner one night a couple of months before the wedding (and it wasn’t a long engagement) and that was very helpful – restaurants are neutral ground, and everyone can order what they like. </p>
<p>Many of my friends have held open houses or garden parties to introduce their child and their child’s new spouse sometime in the first year after marriage – they’ve been lovely ways to get to meet the couple in an environment that is a lot less formal than a wedding. </p>
<p>(We also let my MIL have her way with an incredibly elaborate, catered brunch after D’s christening. It let her throw the party she’d wanted to throw – but didn’t – for our wedding.)</p>
<p>I don’t think it’d be wrong to simply ask your S what they plan on doing regarding religion during the wedding. I’d be curious, too. </p>
<p>And I wouldn’t be offended if my mother asked me about inviting guests who watched me grow up or are close family friends. My mother will probably try to pull something like that when I get married (ask about inviting family friends, extended aunts and uncles, cousins) and I would have no problem saying yes or no. I wouldn’t offer to pay their way though, to ensure they did get an invitation. This would annoy me, if my mother did this because in the end, I’d probably end up feeling guilty and paying for their spots myself. You can simply ask without judgment and overthinking it. </p>
<p>It’s their wedding. Sit back, relax, and you may find out it is a wedding that really celebrates them as a couple. If other people start doing the planning, it takes away from what the couple wants.</p>
<p>First and most important, congratulations! May your son and his bride have many happy years together.</p>
<p>Now, for the nitty gritty: I think it’s ok to ask, politely, what their plans for the ceremony and general religious practice are. And then, if the response is not what you would prefer, smile and nod. Your son already knows your beliefs and preferences. It’s ok to state - once - that you are disappointed. Then be quiet.</p>
<p>I think it’s also ok to ask about what numbers they have in mind for the ceremony. I was excluded twice in the past year from small weddings, one an extended family member, the other the child of a friend. In both cases, we would have gladly attended but understood that the couple wanted a small ceremony, and in one case, we were delighted to be invited to an informal party for the couple in the weeks following their wedding. Sure, we were a little hurt, but we got over it…as will your friends, especially if you emphasize the young people’s decision to them.</p>
<p>Your son may not realize how little he will be able to eat at his own wedding! Perhaps he should ask the caterer to put something aside for him to enjoy afterwards…</p>
<p>Oldfort, I think that it isn’t just a lighting topic on CC, but in real life too. Just a few weeks ago, I got an earful from a stranger about how difficult her child’s future in laws were being related to wedding planning. While I was looking at dresses!</p>
<p>I think that for many of us, the way we do things is the way we do things and it is hard, especially as it applies to family, to see a different path. I have watched it with many family members and so I try hard to be very relaxed about life cycle events…</p>
<p>I just found out last night that my S is engaged! He and FDIL live 200 miles away from me. They have not set a date yet, and I have no idea what kind of wedding they are wanting to have or even in what city. All of S’ friends and family live here and I know some of her family lives out of state. Surprisingly, I have absolutely no interest in planning a wedding so it will be easy for me to let them do it all. Don’t get me wrong, I love them both, but I’m almost relieved to feel that I don’t have to plan it. Most likely I will feel differently when it’s my D getting married. (I do enjoy watching “Say Yes to the Dress.”)</p>
<p>I have found this thread very interesting. It seems weddings have changed a lot since my time. I eloped, but all my friends had large weddings in their churches. There were never “dinners” of any kind, just cake-and-punch receptions in the fellowship hall of the church.</p>
<p>Yes, and we all think the way we do things is the norm. I am guilty of it. I don’t think I could be as good as some people here about biting my tongue when it comes to my kids’ weddings.</p>
<p>Musicmom1215 - Interesting that you share your observations of weddings from our generation, and I see you’re from Texas. I, too, grew up in Texas and attended many weddings where they were just cake and punch (maybe a few appetizers) receptions. I never attended a sit-down-dinner reception until I moved to the midwest. However, the most recent wedding I attended in Texas (ten years ago), was a sit-down-dinner reception. While I certainly have enjoyed the sit-down-dinner receptions I’ve attended, I would not for a second, think any less of a wedding that did not provide one.</p>
<p>Then there are my parents who act like not serving dinner, or even serving dinner and no liquor, is akin to going to a wedding without clothes on. I am really grateful my grooms family has been so laid back, I’d be drowning if I had both sides competing. My side is difficult enough. I am waging World War III with my mother today over the rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>shellfell,
Mazel tov on your son’s engagement! I started a similar thread about my S’s engagement over the summer (possibly already referenced in this thread) and was soundly verbally thrashed by a number of posters. Those of us who post on CC in any thread often forget that OP’s are coming here to vent/gain some perspective on how others would handle a certain situation. The criticisms of OP posts sometimes astound me. I learned so much from the MOG thread that I posted, including how differently things are done in different areas of the country.</p>
<p>Sometimes it is not possible to meet the “other side of the family” before the weekend of the wedding. Is that ideal? No, but if the families literally live 3,000+ miles from each other, the expense needed for one family to get to the other side of the country may be prohibitive.</p>
<p>I do think that you can pull your son aside and ask if they have decided what kind of ceremony they are going to have. Just as a question of curiosity. You really won’t be able to do anything about it if you are less than thrilled, but at least you’ll have time to process it mentally. My S is Jewish and is marrying someone who is also Jewish, but we are far more religious than they are, so even I have concerns about what is going to be included in the wedding. As parents, we all have our ideas of what we would like our children’s weddings to look like. But, unless we are paying for the whole thing and our children are turning over all the planning to us, there will be a lot of “smile and nod.” ;)</p>
<p>To all of you MOG and MOB…the weddings are going to be wonderful. Even if they aren’t exactly what the parents would choose, the day will be memorable, and beautiful.</p>
<p>I agree with p3t. IME, most of the people who say that parents shouldn’t “interfere” in this aspect of the ceremony aren’t religious themselves. I’m not that devout in many ways, but my faith is important to me. Certainly, which faith my offspring marry in is more important than whether they have a buffet or sit down meal. </p>
<p>Fortunately, my married kid married in our faith…even though said kid is not all that religious. Spouse is a different faith, but, somewhat to my surprise, felt it was very important to have a "faith based " wedding ceremony…even if the faith was somewhat different. Spouse really, really disliked the civil ceremonies they had attended together and felt quite strongly that God ought to be part of the wedding vows. </p>
<p>I do think that “which religion we’ll raise any children in” or whether we’ll raise them in any faith at all is an important topic which needs to be dealt with before marriage. Asking whether the couple has discussed these issues and what decisions have been made is, I think, on the list of what good parents do. That doesn’t mean we don’t recognize that they are adults and entitled to make these decisions for themselves.</p>
<p>Perhaps the young adults can set up a Skype between the two families. It’s hard when the miles separate people, but this technology provides chance for an introduction.</p>
<p>Aside: we just set up a Skype between my FIL (age 94) and his brother (age 95) in two cities. They haven’t seen each other in 10 years. It was a great achievement, but required technical help from younger people to accomplish.</p>
<p>“Sometimes it is not possible to meet the “other side of the family” before the weekend of the wedding. Is that ideal? No, but if the families literally live 3,000+ miles from each other, the expense needed for one family to get to the other side of the country may be prohibitive.”</p>
<p>Completely agree, which is why I don’t get chedva’s concept that it’s inappropriate to invite one side’s “hometown friends” to an engagement party in that home town without inviting them to a wedding 3000 miles away, which only very close relatives might be expected to attend /pay for.</p>
<p>“IME, most of the people who say that parents shouldn’t “interfere” in this aspect of the ceremony aren’t religious themselves. I’m not that devout in many ways, but my faith is important to me. Certainly, which faith my offspring marry in is more important than whether they have a buffet or sit down meal.”</p>
<p>Some of us have seen through multiple lenses the hypocrisy of people who don’t practice all of a sudden turning into Mr and Mrs Religious when it comes to their children’s intended. As I said, my parents’ young marriage broke up because of this very issue, and later on, when my bio dad married another woman who pleased his family more because she was Jewish, I know for an absolute fact my mother was the love of his life. I saw the hypocrisy when my BIL converted just to shut my ILs up, and I saw the hypocrisy when I was “welcomed to the family” because I could pass for Jewish solely because I had a very Jewish maiden name that passed muster-even though neither of my parents practiced anything and I was raised with secular Christmas and Easter. I still get a little perverse thrill out of reminding my FIL that no, I wasn’t raised Jewish even though he desperately wants me to have been. Meanwhile, my (Catholic) mother knows more about the tenets and beliefs of Judaism than my (Jewish) stepfather and (Jewish) in-laws combined. I am personally a little concerned that my H will pull some of this crap if our kids marry non-Jews, though I think he’s wised up over the years and modulated and would say something once and hopefully then drop it. </p>
<p>Sorry, some of us have been burned by this issue.</p>
<p>OP- Congratulations! I just want to tell you what we did years ago. I was married in my hometown with a priest and a minister (dh’s family is Catholic). The wedding and reception were 7 hours away from dh’s hometown. Dh’s family is well known in his hometown. My mil gave us a second reception for their friends and relatives; many of whom had not been invited to the wedding. We had more fun at this reception than at the first as we were more relaxed. I have wonderful memories of that day. Don’t get hung up on rules and enjoy the day. We only did a reception for my oldest dd. She and her husband had got married 6 months earlier in a civil ceremony. If anyone complained, we didn’t hear about it and we had a good time at this reception too. And we only served hor d’ oeuvres- but they were to die for.</p>
<p>I also think your son may find himself too busy/nervous to chow down! I chuckled when I read that. Again, congratulations!</p>
(I do enjoy watching “Say Yes to the Dress.”)</p>