<p>^ Any time zooser, you know I’m a ‘fan’. We don’t always agree but we always support one another. Hugs to you and all good things to the zooser family in 2014. :)</p>
<p>Back atcha! I hope the new year brings all good things to you and the other iguanas!</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, I agree with you that whatever happens is for the couple to deal with. </p>
<p>If someone is inflexible, that could also be their personality. Or it could be that they feel very strongly about it. A relative who goes so far as to not attend a wedding has made that choice, and it is sad. It is unfortunate that such a hurt would persist in families. </p>
<p>One reason I suggest the couple talk about this, with each other, is because, if one or more of them does feel strongly about something, it’s best that it is known. It is of course, ultimately up to them.</p>
<p>So many thoughts here. I would caution the young would-be brides on this thread to really know the score and think about how to proceed. My future dh talked about how he was the first altar boy at his church, etc., so I though those things were really important to him. Turns out that even back then his mother was exerting her will. He didn’t want to be there; his mother wanted him to be. And that’s how the whole wedding planning went – he only wanted to make his mother happy and hadn’t quite figured out his new loyalty should have been to our relationship and not theirs. I married a freakin’ atheist unbeknownst to me because his uber-religious mom was driving the church bus in the background.</p>
<p>Also, my FIL disowned dh for a while but that was about racism, not religion.</p>
<p>Eloping is sounding better all the time.</p>
<p>It’s sad that your DH was unable to express his views at the time. It is also possible that he was not able to distinguish them exactly at that time either. </p>
<p>In some cases, there may be no other choice but to elope, but I would hope that a young couple could have the support of the family.</p>
<p>Of interest here, beyond religion, is how a couple solves their conflicts and relates to their family. They do need to form their own unit, and boundaries. Hopefully those boundaries could also include a relationship with extended family, but how they do it is up to them.</p>
<p>It didn’t occur to me that the OP was inflexible but that she was interested in what the couple wanted to do. I think she does want to respect their wishes, but doesn’t know what they are.</p>
<p>There are a lot of parents who are going to have to learn to deal with their children moving away from organized religion since that is the trend for young people. My mother certainly struggles with my choice regarding religion. She doesn’t comment on it as much as she once did but I know it worries her.</p>
<p>I agree with Pennylane. I don’t think the OP is being inflexible just wants to know what the couple wants/plans. </p>
<p>As in the case of many Jews, we have multiple relatives who have married non-Jews. Actually, on my DH’s side, which is very small, there have been very few inter-faith marriages. On mine, there are plenty. And they run the gamut, from the couples being totally non-religious to the spouse who has converted assuming leadership roles in the Jewish organizations. </p>
<p>What seems to be a struggle, even in some of the families where the non-Jewish partner has converted, is the embracing of traditions and the cultural aspects of the Faith. I can’t imagine though a young couple having a discussion where “yes, we will celebrate Passover” is accompanied by “yes, I understand that when your niece and nephew have their B’nai Mitzvahs” we will make it a priority.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I have a friend whose daugher will have her Bat Mitzvah next year and her Aunt and Uncle won’t be there because they are very Orthodox and don’t believe women should read from the Torah. So, even marrying within the Faith doesn’t solve everything.</p>
<p>Thank you, BI and others who tried to explain things better than I can. I didn’t want to continue trying to explain myself so I just stopped trying. </p>
<p>I am an atheist, my fiance is agnostic. If <em>he</em> was Catholic, things would be different. We both went through Catholic school, were Confirmed, and both left the Church for different reasons. He because he just really didn’t believe and I because I didn’t believe and because I was bullied very badly by my Catholic school’s staff and students in middle school. In absolutely NO WAY do I want to be reminded of any of that on my wedding day just to appease my FMIL. And, btw, NOTHING short of a full-blown Catholic wedding will appease her. We are not going to be <em>really</em> married until we have a Catholic mass wedding in her eyes. She has told us that. Now tell me, does that sound like someone who can be reasonably compromised with? Someone who flat-out tells their FDIL that she won’t be part of the family until she gets married in a Catholic ceremony and changes her last name (neither of which I’m prepared to do)? </p>
<p>I am not, in any way, antagonistic towards my FMIL. In fact, as long as we’re not talking about religion or politics (which I’ve never ONCE brought up- it is always she that brings them up), we get along fairly well. His brothers and dad adore me. Most of his extended family loves me. My whole family loves him.</p>
<p>My grandmother doesn’t talk to any of her grandchildren because we’re not Jewish. Which, honestly, is fine by me. If you’re going to let something like religion get in the way of your relationship with your family then that’s your problem. My FMIL will have to decide what is more important to her: the fact that we’re not Catholic or having a relationship with us. That is entirely, 100% on her.</p>
<p>Being inflexible is her personality. You can ask any of her children, her children’s friends, and her family and they will tell you the same thing. She is set in her ways and there is no moving that. To be honest, I think getting a FDIL that is exactly like her in that respect was her worst nightmare.</p>
<p>I think you’re right, penny, that he didn’t know how he was feeling himself. I just wish I’d been older and less worried about hurting feelings and more willing to stand up for myself. So many things went wrong during the run-up to the wedding. Two days before the ceremony I had had enough and ended up hanging up on the priest when he informed us we hadn’t attended the necessary pre-marriage classes and now he was going to have to get some kind of special dispensation from the diocese. This was particularly hurtful because one of the reasons dh gave for not getting married Catholic, my religion, was because of the logistics of doing the pre-marriage classes when we lived in different cities. Turns out his religion required the same thing, but he was so disengaged he had no idea. </p>
<p>It’s because of things like this that I’ve told my sons that I will not interfere in their weddings. But I have told them it’s true that when they marry a girl they marry the family and to check that stuff out!</p>
<p>FWIW, I do not believe the OP is being inflexible. I do understand her concerns. I do, personally, think most of the issues will solve themselves in time though. </p>
<p>It sounds like the OP loves and supports the couple, and ultimately (IMO) that’s what’s most important! :)</p>
<p>ETA: He also has an aunt that will not be attending because it’s not a Christian wedding. Even if it was Catholic, she wouldn’t attend because it’s not the “right” type of Christian. Sometimes, you just can’t win :)</p>
<p>You couldn’t stop me from giving a gift to my friends’ kids (that I have watched grow up) in celebration of their weddings whether I was invited to the ceremony or not. (smile)</p>
<p>Like youdon’tsay, I also tried to please everyone, and in that way, compromised myself, which is one reason why I encourage couples to discuss things among themselves. Of course they won’t know every detail about the future, but if they can resolve things now, it is likely they will know how to do this later.</p>
<p>Tempemom</p>
<p>My mother does this (I haven’t reached the point of friends’ kids marrying yet, but it will happen soon enough I expect.) For as long as I can remember, she sends a gift even if she isn’t invited. Even when some of my closest friends children had their Bar or Bat Mitzvah she would often send a little something.</p>
<p>Romani, not speaking to each other is a sad outcome, but as you mentioned may be part of their personalities. People were not so open in older times about a lot of things. I know families where there are feuds over all kinds of reasons.</p>
<p>The best we, and anyone can do, is make a better future and have a loving family ourselves . Best wishes to you and your fiance.</p>