Mother pulls a knife on me

Parent Cafe
21

<p>I agree with those who suggest that your mother sounds extremely stressed, and could be suicidal. While it is awful that she threatened you with a knife, at the same time, I can understand her frustration and stress. Your family is in dire straits, your parents sacrificed to come to the U.S., yet you have chosen to make some very unwise decisions such as dropping out of a private school where you had a scholarship, not getting a drivers license, and insisting on going to summer school although your family needs you to earn money now.</p>

<p>My advice is that you need to talk to someone who can offer you guidance. This could be a religious counselor or a counselor connected with your college.</p>

<p>Your idea of stretching your family’s already meager finances so you can go to summer school now so that in a few years, you might be able to go to a top law school in order to raise your family’s living standard is pie in the sky. Right now, you need to get a job – any safe job even it it’s mowing lawns and washing windows in your neighborhood – and help your family financially as much as you can.</p>

<p>As for the idea that going to a top law school would somehow get your famiy out of dire straits, if you get any job right now, that would be valuable help that your family needs. If you get any job after college, that also would help your family. You don’t need a professional degree, certainly not one from a top law school, to help a family that’s teetering in poverty.</p>

<p>Also, going to a top law school takes a lot of money. Students graduate from top law schools with as much as $100 k or more in loans. </p>

<p>Many people don’t go straight to professional or grad school after college. They spend a few years working a job – any job – gaining more knowledge about themselves and the world, and paying off undergraduate loans. The maturity and wisdom that they gain by taking time off also makes them more attractive candidates to graduate and professional schools.</p>

<p>My advice is to get whatever safe, legal jobs you can get now. Use the money to help your family. When you return to school, work part time (yes, you should do that, and as long as you’re organized, doing this shouldn’t affect your grades. I have plenty of friends who went to graduate and professional schools – including Ivies-- who worked in college), sending money home if you can pinch pennies to do so.</p>

<p>Get the highest grades you can, and figure out how you can go to graduate/professional school without further hurting your family’s finances. This may mean that you will need to take some time off after college – just like many other people do.</p>

<p>Considering the sacrifices your parents have made to come to this country and give a good life to you, I can empathize with your mother’s frustration at some of the decisions that you’ve made – like dropping out of prep school – because you were unhappy. I’m sure your parents have been very unhappy a great deal having moved to a new country as they made a better life for you than they probably had growing up. Your feeling that you’re entitled to go to summer school despite the strain it would put on your family’s tight finances was probably the last straw for your mother, who is doing her best to hold on to her own sanity.</p>

<p>It is very hard to be considered independent from one’s parents. Since there was no documentation that your mother pulled a knife on you, and since you’re continuing to live with your parents, I highly doubt that Northwestern would be willing grant you aid as an independent student.</p>

<p>Your parents also probably are making big sacrifices for you to go to Northwestern. Even if Northwestern has given you good aid, I bet you could have gone to college more cheaply by living at home and commuting, even if that meant starting at a two-year college. Appreciate what your parents are doing for you, and start shouldering your share of the financial burden. Also take responsibility for your own grades. If you didn’t work up to your potential, you shouldn’t expect your parents to financially sacrifice even more to boost your dreams of going to a top law school.</p>

22

<p>okay…call me confused. The knife never left the drawer?</p>

<p>It does seem like the op’s mom had her last button pushed and she reacted badly and I’m not condoning threatening words or behavior. But I don’t get that the mom is truly a threat to the op. </p>

<p>Btw…prestigious law schools will place a lot more weight on a student with financial need working during the summer to defray education costs to his or her family, than an A in summer school and the resulting .10 (really?) increase in GPA points.</p>

23

<p>Wow, I cannot believe that some of you think that we can just nitpick at someone’s life less than 12 hours after she received a death threat from her mother. At least wait a couple days when she has her situation figured out. </p>

<p>Sanjennifer- Go try and stay with a friend and get a job or somehow make it back to Evanston and get a job there. You and your mother obviously need time apart from each other.</p>

<p>And to refute some of your guys’ posts on how she should be scolded for dropping out of her prep school, what is wrong with going to public school? Isn’t that free also? And without travel expenses?</p>

24

<p>“And to refute some of your guys’ posts on how she should be scolded for dropping out of her prep school, what is wrong with going to public school? Isn’t that free also? And without travel expenses?”</p>

<p>The OP is complaining that their parents want them to work this summer instead of going to summer school in a bid to raise grades for a chance later to go to a prestigious law school. The parents are in dire financial straits, so need the OP’s summer earnings.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, however, the OP – who now is so concerned about going to an excellent law school in the future – has a history of giving unhappiness as a reason for dropping out of a “prestigious prep school” that had given the OP a full scholarship. Seems the OP doesn’t like being unhappy, but doesn’t mind adding to others’ unhappiness in order to get what the OP thinks the OP wants.</p>

<p>Doesn’t make sense to me. Seems like a very self centered way of looking at the world.</p>

25

<p>erswimming, I said pretty much the same thing you did. However, my sentiments are the same as Northstarmom’s. I would not want to underassess the seriousness of the home situation, so I think OP should move OUT ASAP, and start earning his own way, and think things over. His priorities are skewed in my opinion. There is enough stress in the household that it is not a wise idea to push for summerschool, loans, talk of prestigious law schools. The situation at hand needs to be addressed directly NOW.</p>

26

<p>“Doesn’t make sense to me. Seems like a very self centered way of looking at the world.”</p>

<p>Amen. My heart aches for that mom.</p>

27

<p>I support NSM’s take in post #21. I would also add that there are some quite successful lawyers who earned their degrees in night school (as opposed to a “prestigious” law school) while working during the day. How does the OP propose to pay for three years at Prestigious Law School?
Can the OP get a summer job that provides housing, such as being a proctor during summer school, a camp counselor, etc…? I know it’s rather late, but I wonder about the excuse of being so focused on school work that the OP was not able to line up a summer job. Lots of students began looking back in January or February.</p>

28

<p>First, it’s my understanding that SJ is male. That makes a bit of a difference because I don’t think his mom could possibly overtake him physically. So, while he was undoubtedly upset by the encounter, I doubt that he ever felt threatened physically. </p>

<p>Second, the difference between a 3.7 and a 3.8 isn’t that big a deal in terms of law school admissions. Additionally, if you wait a year before going to law school, you’ll have another year’s worth of grades for law schools to consider. You can up your gpa that way. And as someone else noted, a lot of LS admissions depends on your LSAT. A couple of points on that will more than make up for the difference between a 3.7 and 3.8.</p>

<p>Third, NSM’s #21 says everything else I want to say more articulately than I could.</p>

29

<p>I’m a little bit confused. OP would be able to find transportation to the university to take classes, but OP is unable to find transportation for a job as OP has to take the train. If OP could find transportation to the university OP should look for jobs in the area around the university!</p>

<p>Call the advice lines the other posters listed for advice. If you decide to stay at home make some handouts - become a summer nanny or clean houses. I got a handout the other day from a high school student for pressure washing. A team of college and high school age males have knocked on my door offering to stencil my house number in the street (no sidewalks) to make it easier to find my house.</p>

<p>What is within walking distance of your home? Grocery stores - always need cashiers, baggers, deli help, etc. Restaurant - always need servers and clean up crew. Sometimes grocery stores have bulletin boards where local jobs are posted - take a look at the board in your grocery store or local community center. If you live in the suburbs there may be swim or tennis clubs that have bulletin boards with job postings.</p>

<p>Take a look at Craig’s List - you can look for rooms for rent in homes and you can look at the job listings.</p>

<p>You may have to give up your volunteer activities to concentrate on supporting yourself. In a few short years you are going to have to support yourself anyway - how are you going to do it without depending on your parents?</p>

<p>Next year you may want to consider staying at your university through the summer. Find a job on campus that will carry you through the summer. Or find a job near campus. Since most students leave for the summer it might be easy to find a low cost room or studio.</p>

30

<p>I cannot believe some of the replies here.</p>

<p>What the OP’s mother did* constitutes assault in many states. And yes, I believe that grabbing a knife and saying that now you know why people kill their kids can reasonably be interpreted as a death threat.</p>

<p>That is abuse. That is wrong. That the OP’s behavior was provocative does not change either of these statements. A college student being self-centered and asking for more loans, on the other hand, is not what I would consider abusive. Obnoxious != abusive.</p>

<p>Yes, the OP is being somewhat self-centered and obnoxious. That doesn’t mean that she deserves this.</p>

<p>OP, I will reiterate what I said before - move out. And do everything in your power to become financially independent, for your sake, your mom’s, and your family’s. Don’t press your mom for money again. It’s an unnecessary stress on her, and possibly unsafe for you, and really, you don’t need those summer classes.</p>

<p>Personally, I think this is grounds for not speaking to your mom again for years, if ever, but that is more of an individual thing.</p>

<p>Edited to add: I’ve been assuming that the OP is female, based on their having had a boyfriend, and heterosexuality being more common than homosexuality. I’m not sure that it makes much difference, though. A knife is still a deadly weapon, and you can hurt or kill someone bigger and stronger than you with it.</p>

<p>*Yes, I am assuming that the OP is telling the truth. There’s no way for us to actually determine that, and obviously, if the OP is lying, my comments don’t hold.</p>

31

<p>You said the mom has a pastor. Phone him/her up immediately, describe what happened, and see if that person will come to the house for a calm chat with mom, or you and mom, however the pastor advises. </p>

<p>Or ask your dad to call in the pastor for your mom. If he can be home during the pastor’s visit, that’s even better because he can attest to what’s going on from his dad viewpoint, and follow through with her and the family.</p>

<p>If the pastor asks for both of you, or her, to make an appointment soon to come to the officce, say you’re not sure you’re in a position to ask another thing of your mom right now. Tell the pastor you need to work by phone or at your own home if at all possible, and that as of today you hope he’ll consider this one an Emergency.</p>

<p>Important: That’s in addition to (not instead of) all the advice above re: calling domestic hotlines, figuring out financial options near-future and far, etc. This one is an add-on but it is closest at hand to help calm things down for now.</p>

<p>The only real role the pastor can play is to help mom get a grip on herself through what she perceives as a crisis, help her manage her immediate responses to her family this summer. He’s not a college or financial counselor, but might introduce some calm into your mom’s thoughts. Your dad has probably worn himself and her out by now trying to do same, which is why the dad might really appreciate brining in another calm, objective, IRL adult at this juncture. If not, you yourself can ask the pastor to come help.</p>

32

<p>San jen isnt female not that it alters my response- he could be taller and heavier than his mom as well.
I also read other posts mentioning the ongoing financial stress his family has been under which is why he wants to go into law as opposed to something he is more interested in like anthropology.</p>

<p>But really, as a young man who is “out” san jen should know about the difficulties of trying to be something you are not.( not to mention that attorneys don’t start billing at $450. right after they pass the bar)</p>

33

<p>OP,</p>

<p>I seriously doubt there’s a huge difference between 3.7 and 3.8. You said law admission is about LSAT + GPA; given your family situation, why not start preparing for LSAT instead? I think you mom resent you for not “getting it”, at least from her point of view. Your family needs you to contribute finanically or at least not to ask for more debt <em>now</em>. You may be thinking how you can help the family when you gradaute from a top law school but that’s still like 5 years away. Who knows what’s going to happen before that? Your parents may be forced to live on the street next year if they aren’t careful and they probably know more than you do how bad the situation is. You may drop out of law school or maybe something would happen to you. Put yourself in her shoe and you’ll understand how insecure she is. I think it’s nice to have a break from school this summer anyway so you can recharge and this may help you get good grades again when you go back to Northwestern. Try to look for part-time/full-time job to help pay your expense. Westcoastmon has good tips for finding jobs.</p>

34

<p>

</p>

<p>That seems the best solution. The OP needs to move out. The mother is clearly at the end of her tether and needs to regain control; she also needs help.</p>

35

<p>I don’t think that anyone here has condoned what the OP’s mother has done. Several, including me, have suggested that the OP seek counseling to figure out what to do (The OP has said his parents aren’t interested in counseling. The OP also doesn’t have control over his parents, but can get help for himself). Some have suggested that the OP move out.</p>

<p>Some – including me – have also expressed concerns that the mom may be suicidal. </p>

<p>Clearly, something is wrong.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, earlier this month, the OP posted this on other threads: "
I’m highly interested in gender and sexuality especially in relation to colonialism/postcolonialism and transnational identities. Which fields should I be looking at? I’m thinking social/cultural anthropology, maybe sociology of culture? Which schools are tops in these areas?"</p>

<p>“My parents won’t allow me to go into Manila to do research on prostitution because as they say, I could get kidnapped or killed anytime …What do I do? I feel like if I don’t take the risk, I could miss out on a subject that could very well be my life’s work.”</p>

<p>Clearly, the OP has not made a firm decision about what to do after college. The OP is acting in a very normal way for college students in terms of not knowing what career to go into.</p>

<p>However, considering the family’s dire economic situation, one can understand that the parents aren’t likely to have sympathy or believe in an offspring who expects them to financially sacrifice this summer so that the OP can go to summer school instead of work to help the family, especially when the OP’s reason for wanting to work is to get to a prestigous law school.</p>

<p>While the mother was not justified in threatening the OP with a knife, I certainly can understand why the mother was frustrated and angry at the OP (who in other posts describes dropping out of prestigious Milton Academy, where the OP had a full ride. The OP’s reason for dropping out was that the OP was “unhappy”).</p>

<p>I agree with those who suggest that the OP should move out and support himself/herself. Given that the OP says they have a full ride from Northwestern, seems it would be possible for the OP to find ways of supporting himself (herself?) without having to rely on their family for summer and holiday room and board and other support.</p>

36

<p>When it comes to finding jobs, the teen son of a low income friend of mine found lots of work by contacting every person he knew and offering to do things like pet sit, wash windows, cut lawns, etc. His schedule immediately became so full that I haven’t yet been able to get him to wash my windows.</p>

<p>Where there’s a will, there’s a way.</p>

37

<p>One last thing: I used to teach at a public university that had a very high percentage of low income students eligible for Pell Grants. Most students were having to take out large loans AND work summers and during the school year. Many also were sending some money home to help their families. </p>

<p>Regardless of their career aspirations, they worked during the summer and only went to summer school to fulfill the requirements of their college, which required them to go to one semester of summer school during their time in college.</p>

38

<p>Jessiehl, I’m just curious are you a student or a parent. </p>

<p>Mom grabbed the knives in an open drawer, she did not pull one out. She vented alot of pent up anger in a moment of complete and total disregard by her daughter. The woman has worked her entire life to provide her child with everything she didn’t have. She and her husband left their country, their family support and everything to move to a country that would allow their child the greatest opportunity. They have taken out many loans to provide her with every opportunity possible, and they have sacraficed their own retirement savings as well. </p>

<p>But NOOOOO that is not enough, and you think this stressful arguement is grounds for sanjen to stop talking to her mom for years. </p>

<p>The only bright side of that is that maybe if Sanjen had to take care of herself without their support, then maybe she would learn to appreciate those sacrafices. </p>

<p>Parents need to hold their children responsible for their actions. It is never good to let them push you in a corner and over the edge. I know many parents, paticuliarly moms, can relate to feeling totally overwhelmed at times. If she were my child, I would make her move out, enough is enough!!!</p>

39

<p>Lots of good responses here, thank you.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I can assure you I never raised my tone. That’s simply uncharacteristic of me. However, I believe that’s actually part of the reason why she became even more annoyed and hysterical.</p></li>
<li><p>I dropped out of boarding school partly because she wanted me to. My parents don’t care about boarding schools… I was the one who pursued them on my own at their resistance. My point in bringing this is up is to show that I’ve been successful despite some tough decisions I’ve made in the past (this particular one took months of agonizing before I finally decided on it… it was not impulsive!), since I did enough after this–things I wanted to do-- to get me into NU.</p></li>
<li><p>I did everything I could to get into a top school ASAP (I applied for mid-year transfer) where I would qualify for full-financial aid + no loans. That’s the package I got from NU, so please stop telling me I don’t appreciate my parent’s sacrifices. I could’ve stayed at my previous university and done less work for a higher GPA, but it would cost more. I could also work a lot more and sacrifice my GPA for money, but I can’t afford to do that given my high ambitions. I have to think in the long-term. It’s also really hard to get a 3.8 coming from a family like mine that’s not well-educated, so my willingness to go against the grain shows that I’m taking advantage of the opportunities afforded me. As I said, the tough decisions I’ve made in the past have resulted in a promising future.</p></li>
<li><p>My mother has a habit of pulling out knives when she gets angry (and I do believe she has anger management problems). She pulled a knife on my dad when I was younger. I don’t remember the details and just assumed my dad was the abusive one, but I now know she does this even when not physically threatened. I don’t think she’s mentally ill though, just extremely stressed.</p></li>
<li><p>Indeed, I was thinking of going into anthropology but after 2 weeks of being exposed again to a life of poverty (or so it seems) and finding out my dad and relatives were being laid off, I decided on corporate law. Knowing this made me value money and job security a lot more (professorship in anthropology is hard, but I don’t even want to become a professor, just an anthropologist and there’s no money to be had from this).</p></li>
<li><p>My parents are very protective of me and won’t allow me to go into people’s houses for work, but if I have to do that, I will do so without them knowing. I think I’ll also take the job offered to me before without them knowing and live somewhere else. To those of you who think I haven’t been proactive, I will reiterate that I have applied to over 20 places and haven’t heard back.</p></li>
</ol>

40

<p>“…[s]he pulled out a knife saying she now understands why some parents would want to kill their children. I kept my cool because I didn’t want to make her any angrier. My heart was pounding though, because I literally had to grasp her hands firmly to keep her from pulling the knife out of the kitchen drawer (she already had them in her hands). My father intervened, holding her back from physically hurting me in other ways.”</p>

<p>Do we really need to quibble about whether this was dangerous or not? Why are our hearts “bleeding” for the mother and not for the person she was threatening? </p>

<p>There is clearly something about the OP that has ticked off a lot of parents, but for heaven sake, what happened to him is very, very different from when a parent is verbally out of control and yells something like, “I could kill you!” There is absolutely nothing that could provoke virtually any of us here to do what the OP’s mother just did or there would be a lot more (irritating, provokative) abused young people in the world and a lot more seriously injured and dead teens. I don’t think that the groundswell of parental anger and condemnation of the OP is appropriate at this moment. Couldn’t we help him cope with what has to be an extremely traumatic experience and admonish him later? And as for pooh-poohing the danger and suggesting that he try to be a better person within 24 hours of when his father had to physically restrain his mother, just after she had to be physically restrained by the OP from wielding a knife – good grief! Stop blaming the victim. Even if the OP is the worst college sophomore who ever lived, he did not cause his mother to do this. He might have provoked her to be very angry and upset, but he didn’t create her propensity for violence; or the lack of impulse control; or whatever it was that was going on with her mentally, that allowed her to go so far over the line that tried to grab a weapon while threatening and endangering her child. </p>

<p>Sanjen – Please call one of those hotline numbers. The people at the other end of the phone understand the family dynamics involved. You do not have to be a perfect person to deserve safety and support in this situation. Please, please get help today if you haven’t already.</p>