Mother pulls a knife on me

Parent Cafe
1

<p>This happened about two hours ago, and I’m still shaken by all of it. Basically, the ordeal started when I laid out my case to take summer classes at this university where she works and where I’m entitled free tuition. She didn’t want me to do this because even though I could take the classes for free, summer school would entail other expenses we probably can’t afford (i.e. books, transportation if I commute or housing if I stay on campus, food, etc.). I proposed borrowing alternative loans to cover these expenses, but she was adamant about not taking out anymore loans because we already have too many.</p>

<p>I understand the financial situation we’re in, but I told her the reason I wanted to take these summer classes in the first place was to improve my chances of getting into a top law school (the law school admissions process is largely LSAT+GPA-driven and a tenth of a GPA point makes a huge difference, as many of you know), assure myself a high-paying job, and rise above our current circumstances that way. I figured with a corporate law salary, I might even be able to relieve them of some of their financial burden (right now, we’re living paycheck to paycheck, my father was just laid off, and my parents don’t have any money saved up for retirement). We’ve come so far-- with my dad bringing us to the US after so many years of waiting, starting a new life away from the prostitution hub that we once lived in, and years later moving away from the inner-city that we first settled in upon arriving in the US to a respectable town that we live in now-- that I figured I might as well shoot for the stars and go for every advantage I could get. I’ve made some tough decisions in the past that I felt strongly about; some have put me in precarious situations but they all ultimately benefited me in some way (my point is I’m not making this decision to take summer classes on a whim). For example, I dropped out of a prestigious boarding school, giving up a full scholarship and fully knowing what I was giving up, because I was unhappy. Thereafter, I neglected my high school studies to devote time to winning a national competition (I wanted lots of unstructured free time and so couldn’t be bothered to balance both), and I did. I took summer courses last year against my mother’s wishes (because I had to take out loans to cover incidental expenses) to boost my GPA to get into Northwestern (which I did). And now here’s another decision that I have a strong feeling could make a difference in my future, yet my mother refuses to recognize the long-term pay off yet again (at the same time, I can’t blame her for feeling that way because we’re really hard-pressed for money all the time).</p>

<p>She snapped when I told her that not letting me take summer school classes could have a direct impact on my law school admissions results (indeed, earning As on a semester system could significantly alter my GPA… I’m a transfer student so the Bs I got at my previous semester-based institution are given more weight than any Bs I’ll ever get at Northwestern [don’t have one yet… knock on wood] and unfairly so, since the grading at NU is generally harder). I told her I didn’t want to look back at this situation 2 years from now and regret not insisting on this chance to boost my GPA. She yelled at me for being “insensitive” (maybe I was, but taking summer courses really could boost my LSAC-calculated GPA from a 3.7 to 3.8… though my NU GPA is 3.8 already), telling me she’d rather die than deal with all of the financial burden I have brought on to the family. This was when she pulled out a knife saying she now understands why some parents would want to kill their children. I kept my cool because I didn’t want to make her any angrier. My heart was pounding though, because I literally had to grasp her hands firmly to keep her from pulling the knife out of the kitchen drawer (she already had them in her hands). My father intervened, holding her back from physically hurting me in other ways.</p>

<p>I’m shocked that she would do something this atrocious, and I can’t help being afraid of her now. I definitely don’t want to stay at home for the summer, but I don’t have much choice. We live in a suburb, and my mobility is severely limited by my inability to drive or ride a bike. I’m thinking maybe I should contact someone at school for a job and possibly get a summer sublet if it’s not too late? I’m much much happier in Evanston and wish I could live there year-round (not joking…I was instantly depressed and anxious the moment I came home). I don’t want to be dependent on my ex-boyfriend or friends, though I’m confident they’ll let me stay at their place if I explain my situation. Please help.</p>

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<p>sanjenferrer - I will warn you that most of the advice you will receive here will lean towards getting away from the immediacy of the situation, and making sure you are safe. But I have seen other posters request help for serious situations, only to have someone pipe up and suggest that we’re only hearing one side of the story. So be forewarned.</p>

<p>That being said, no matter what the other side of the story could possibly be, you are in a dangerous situation, and your mother is in a dangerous situation. People that pull out knives and use terms such as she’d ‘rather die than deal with all the financial burden’ and she ‘understands why some parents would want to kill their children’ are feeling as if they have no options. This isn’t to say that other parents haven’t had these thoughts in times of extreme stress, but her actions are certainly a warning sign of something else going on where she doesn’t have the tools to cope. I’d worry just as much about suicide as I would her possible intent to harm someone. Your family needs some sort of intervening third party, whether that be a counselor, clergy, or family member that can assess the situation and come up with some options.</p>

<p>I understand your fear, and desire to move out, but moving out will only take care of the immediate tension going on between the two of you. It will not address the breakdown in communication and subsequent escalation of her frightening behavior. Spending a few nights away will provide you with a sense of immediate safety, but what happened can’t be ignored. </p>

<p>If you don’t feel like you have anyone you can talk to right now, please, please make use of a crisis hotline. That’s what they are there for. Speaking to an objective person who is trained in handling crises is your best bet, but don’t let it stop there. Follow through with what they recommend, whether that be to leave for a few days, move out, seek counseling, etc.</p>

<p>Keep us posted. I’m sure others will chime in with much more insight than I have offered.</p>

3

<p>I am really sorry for your current situation and unfortunately I don’t have any practical advice to offer. I will leave the “make sure you are safe” comments to other posters - I am sure there will be plenty of advice in that direction.</p>

<p>At the risk of sounding completely insensitive I would like to say that I understand your mother’s frustration. What struck me when I read your post is that you seem to avoid work. You write about dropping out of a private school at which you had a full scholarship, not taking your high school work seriously, wanting a lot of “unstructured free time”, taking summer classes. Not once did you mention how hard you worked to support your family financially.</p>

<p>Your family is struggling to make ends meet and instead of helping out you are spending more money. It makes perfect sense from your point of view (law school admission etc) but no sense at all from your mother’s. This doesn’t justify your mother’s reaction but it’s something to think about.</p>

<p>Two more insensitive comments: I highly doubt that one or two more summer classes will make or break your law school application (especially because law schools care a great deal about <em>where</em> you earned your grades), and if you want to succeed in law school and get those high-paying jobs, you will seriously have to adjust your work ethics. Scratch the “lots of unstructured free time”.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the advice, both of you. I’m lost as to which third party member to bring in to help. My parents don’t believe in psychological help, but a pastor could work. </p>

<p>Barum, in the really long post I edited, I did mention work. I had a job in one year of high school, summer after high school, and in my freshman year. I had a job lined up for me this summer, but my parents said it was too dangerous and didn’t allow me to go through with it. It was working for DNC Grassroots Campaign knocking on people’s doors from 2-10:30, but since I live in the suburbs, that means I won’t get home until past 12 because of the erratic train schedule. And because I can’t drive, I’d have to walk home, and the area around the train station is not that safe. It’s my fault I can’t drive yet, I know, but I know that if we lived in the city, I’d have more work options. I did apply to a lot of other places but haven’t heard back. I have adjusted my work ethics since high school, hence my GPA. Also, it’s important to mention that I’m a citywide director of a human rights program (been the director since June 2006), and that has eaten up a lot of my time (though I could work at home and get out only once a week or so).</p>

5

<p>Couple thoughts starting backwards
I wouldn’t work door to door getting people to donate money & keeping what you make over your assigned goal.
Those people are hella annoying
[Are</a> the Democrats buying votes? - By Trey Popp - Slate Magazine](<a href=“http://www.slate.com/id/2107490/]Are”>Are the Democrats buying votes?)</p>

<p>It sounds like your mother is very stressed about money & I would say that you need to get through your BA first, rather than worry about professional school.
Is your mother the only one working? I see on another post you said your dad was laid off. I know how stressful having half the income and not having savings for retirement can be. </p>

<p>Schools generally assume, students are contributing $3,000 from summer earnings. I think that at minimum you should show that you value your education by contributing money toward your expenses. That would be $3000 from summer earnings toward EFC, maximum stafford and perkins loans toward tuition & workstudy for your personal expenses and books.
That is good that you have a job, does it pay enough for you to contribute the expected amount?</p>

<p>I also realize that when tempers are high, people do impulsive things, but why would you grab onto your mother when she was obviously losing control?
Why didn’t you just leave the room?
YOur mother having her hands in the knife drawer is not the same as pulling a knife on you.
I expect she was upset and angry and trying to give you an idea of how upset and angry at your behavior she was.</p>

6

<ol>
<li><p>I’ll do that stuff for free but if I were getting paid to do it, I would not refuse (and I didn’t, but my parents didn’t want me doing that kind of stuff for safety purposes). </p></li>
<li><p>They’re both working, but yes, my father will lose his job this summer, and there’s no guaranteed replacement.</p></li>
<li><p>I’m having a hard time finding a job, especially given the constraints I mentioned (I live in the suburbs and can’t drive). Also, as you people know, the job market for youth is not that good right now. I’ve applied to probably over 20 places (hotels,law firms, bookstores, cafes, etc.) and haven’t heard from one (probably because I started the search late due to my intense focus on school). The directorship is actually a volunteer position.</p></li>
<li><p>I had to hold her hands because she was grabbing the knife (as I said, they were in her hands) and was about to threaten me with it or do something worse. I left the room immediately once my father took over in trying to calm her down, but she was still hysterical for some moments after that.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>Btw, I could get enough alternative loans to be able to pay for incidental expenses upfront, but my mother is against even that. Yes, this would burden her with loans (it would be under my name but she’d have to co-sign) but my intent in taking these out these loans in the first place is to get into a top law school and secure a better future for myself and for my parents as well. I do believe taking summer courses this summer and next could improve my GPA by a tenth of a point (of course depending on how many I take and how successful I am at those classes).</p>

8

<p>Obviously your mother is overstressed and wrong to pull a knife – but she is right on the issue of loans. Who is going to pay those loans? Where are you going to get the money to make loan payments? </p>

<p>If you want to take classes over the summer, you need to figure out how to pay for all the expenses. It seems to me a fairly simple issue when it comes down to it: you are over 18 and have graduated from high school, and your parents are having a hard time financially. That means that from here on out, everything you want has to be arranged and financed by you. Welcome to adulthood. </p>

<p>I’m sorry that it is hard to find a job in the suburbs, but if you can’t get a regular job you could go around and find odd jobs for pay. People in the suburbs have lawns that need mowing and pets that need walking. Lawn-mowing and dog-walking are also jobs that are best done in daylight, early in the morning - so I think that they would be safe occupations in the eyes of your parents. You could probably make some spending over a weekend just by setting up a yard sale and getting rid of a lot of stuff that you have accumulated over the years (outgrown clothes, toys, etc.). </p>

<p>Do you have any friends who live near you and have cars? Maybe you could get one who is unemployed to join you and you could go back to that canvassing job, and ride to/from work together? </p>

<p>Going to summer school has nothing to do with law school. The reason we parents aren’t as sympathetic as you might expect, given your own mom’s extreme reaction, is that your writing is filled with can’t do this and can’t do that. With that attitude you’d make a pretty lousy lawyer – I am a graduate of a top law school and practiced law for 20 years, and I can tell you that the quality that distinguishes top lawyers is the ability to routinely figure out how to accomplish what others can’t. So your future school and career chances will be enhanced tremendously if you spend this summer building up your problem-solving skills, with the problem at hand being to (a) contribute financially to your family, if only to reimburse your parents the cost of the food that you eat, and (b) to figure out on your own how to finance whatever it is that you think you want or need.</p>

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<p>For the love of God, people, this young man just had his mother try to pull a knife on him while saying she understands why parents might kill their children, and that she herself would rather die than deal with her current financial situation. And the parents are empathizing with his mother, pointing out the OP’s character flaws, and leaving comments about the OP’s safety to others. </p>

<p>OK, stepping up to the plate, here comes the other. What would you all be saying if a husband behaved this way toward his wife? Gosh, honey, maybe if you stopped racking up credit card debt and got a job, poor hubby wouldn’t threaten to knife you? I think not. </p>

<p>In situations like this, the stress of the potentially violent person and the possible character flaws of the potential victim are not the salient issues to which we should be responding. We have no idea of the knife-wielding mother’s psychological state or how out of control she can get. If the OP’s description of the events is accurate, then he needs to get out of the house, away from this potentially dangerous situation, just the way a wife whose stressed-out husband pulls a knife on her needs to get to a shelter. Immediately. Not after she gets hubby to have a meaningful dialogue with their pastor.</p>

<p>Sanjenferrer – There is absolutely nothing that you did or didn’t do that explains, justifies, or makes it OK for you mom to do this, or for you to live with the kind of out of control, dangerous, and frightening behavior you just experienced. Even if you had just spent your mom’s last dollar and called her a string of bad names – it is never, ever, under any circumstances tolerable for a family member to pull a knife on another family member with veiled but clear death threats. Sadly, sometimes even our husbands or wives or parents can be dangerous to us. Even if we did something that adds to the dangerous person’s stress, that doesn’t mean that if we stop adding to their stress and become absolutely perfect people, the danger will go away. Clearly, your mom needs help, and frankly, no one on this board has any idea if it is safe for you to live in your house right now. And neither do you. Please, please get somewhere that is safe, both physically and emotionally. And right now, a safe place for you is a place that doesn’t contain both your mother and potentially deadly weapons. We simply do not know what would have happened if your dad hadn’t been there to stop her. </p>

<p>I am telling you exactly what I would tell a wife whose husband did to her what your mom just did to you: Get out of there right now. Go stay with a friend or a relative. Get someone to drive you to the bus station and go back to college if you have a friend you can crash with there. Get yourself a summer job that will cover your immediate expenses. It is not your job to figure out how to be a person your mom won’t feel like harming; it is your job to protect yourself and to stay safe while advising your dad, from a distance, that your mom needs help.</p>

<p>I am surprised that CC parents are giving the OP what seems to me to be potentially life-threatening advice, and I don’t care if he’s the most selfish, self-absorbed kid on the face of the earth (which I don’t think he is.) Would you advise your own child to stay in the same house with a person who had to be restrained as they pulled a knife on your child and said what the OP’s mom said? None of us wants to believe that a mom would hurt her child, but I really think we’re in some sort of danger-denial when we’re giving this kid financial advice when he may be in physical jeopardy.</p>

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<p>Sanjen – I wanted to add the telephone number of the National Domestic Violence hotline. The folks who answer the phone there have a ton of experience with people going through the exact kind of experience you’ve just had. Please give them a call if you want to have a conversation with a live, knowledgable adult who might be able to help you sort this out, or maybe who could just listen: 1-800-799-SAFE</p>

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<p>It seems to me your mom was stressed out, and she loves you too much to hurt you. Re-read post #8 and you might become a good lawyer after all.</p>

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<p>Natlisu – I respectfully disagree. I hope that what you are saying is true for the OP’s sake, but unless you have conducted a recent psychiatric evaluation of the OP’s mother, you have no way of knowing the extent to which the woman is decompensating or the quality of her impulse control. Many parents who abuse and even kill their children love them dearly. When family members assault and murder one another, the issue is not lack of love. It is entirely possible that had the police been telephoned to respond to this domestic violence/dangerous felony, her mother would have been arrested or involuntarily hospitalized as an imminent danger to others. We should not be minimizing the very obvious danger of an hysterical mother trying to pull a knife on a child with verbal threats. I believe that it is important for us, as parents, to help this young woman (Sanjen – sorry I messed up your gender above.) remain realistic and safe. This is not the moment to be focusing on her academic choices, her finances beyond her immediate ability to take care of herself, or the intricacies of family dynamics; it is the moment to make sure that no one stabs her.</p>

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<p>Sanjen-- Here are a few more places that would be able to help you, even to find you a calm, safe place to stay for a few days or longer if that’s what you need. </p>

<p>The Illinois domestic violence hotline is at 877-863-6338. A Chicago-area organization that sounds smaller and more personal, that provides a 24 hour hotline and referral services, and that would be a resource for finding a shelter, is A Friend’s Place, based in Evanston, at 773-274-5232. They also give 800-603-HELP as a contact number. Finally, I’m not sure of your ethnicity, but there is a special organization dedicated to helping Asian women and children and also has referrals to shelters and counseling, Apna Ghas, and their number is 773-334-0173. (I’m not sure if Apna Ghas’ number is 24 hours.) All of these places will keep your information absolutely confidential and they are staffed by women who are waiting to help you. (If you just want to call them to talk, you don’t even have to identify yourself.)</p>

<p>If you make an effort to get out of your home situation, no one there will think you are making a big deal out of nothing; they will understand. You will not be betraying your mom if you tell them what is going on and get yourself out of your house. It is also a way to keep your mom safe, because if she loses it again and she hurts you, there will be terrible consequences for both of you. </p>

<p>I also want to say that it is very easy to start blaming yourself when someone you love does something like this to you. Sometimes it is easier to face the idea that flaws in yourself brought on the violence, rather than thinking that the person who threatened or hurt you has something going terribly wrong with them. As a parent, I must tell you that wanting unstructured time, or dropping out of a boarding school where you weren’t happy, or getting very focused on raising your GPA for law school and maybe not taking in the totality of your family’s financial situation, are very, very normal. Perhaps you would make different decisions if you got a do-over, but you are far from alone in being imperfect. You do NOT deserve what you just went through. It is not a normal thing for mothers to do to their children in any culture, even for moms who are totally stressed out and unhappy. You mom has a problem that you had no part – let me repeat this, NO PART – in causing. The problem I am talking about is not the stress in her daily life, but her inability to control herself and her rage that allowed her to try to pull a knife on her child. It is that inability to control herself, and her recently acting on that rage in a way that could have hurt you, that is dangerous to you.</p>

<p>Please phone someone who will understand your situation and can help you. A live voice, and even a person who can meet with you face to face, will be much more reassuring and ultimately much more able to provide you with concrete assistance than internet friends. .</p>

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<p>Sanjen -</p>

<p>I agree with those who advise you to find another place to live. Find a job and a place to live in Evanston. Your mother is stressed to the max, and while her reaction was wrong, I have a hunch that you are also an intense individual who may be highly provocative when you argue. I am not excusing your mother, but it is quite easy for me to imagine how the discussion escalated to such a point. It would be so good for you to take charge of your life by finding work and subletting an apartment from a student or sharing some living space. I am assuming you are a female from your comment about an ex-boyfriend, and I just know from personal experience with my own mother that we needed some space from each other.</p>

15

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</p>

<p>Yeah, this was my reaction too.</p>

<p>OP, this is an abusive situation and you need to get out of it. If there is some place you can go - a friend’s house, anything like that - then go. The domestic violence hotline that Nester suggested could be a good idea too.</p>

<p>I would suggest that you become financially independent from your parents if at all possible. You mentioned the possibility of going back to Evanston and getting a job, and this sounds like a good idea - one tenth of a GPA point isn’t actually likely to make or break your app if you have a good LSAT score. If you can get loans in your own name, then do so.</p>

<p>If you have at least two years to go at Northwestern, consider going for one of their two-year NROTC scholarships. Those will pay your full tuition and a stipend. It will free you from your parents, and the military might even help put you through law school.</p>

<p>Appeal to Northwestern to be considered financially independent from your parents for purposes of determining your finaid. Most schools have some process by which you can do this. I know that at my alma mater, you had to have “irreconcilable differences”, and that this is fairly common policy. I suspect that your mother pulling a knife on you and making a remark that could reasonably be interpreted as a death threat would count.</p>

16

<p>Was this a one time incident between you and your mother? I’m not excusing her behavior but did the incident happen as described by you or was there some exaggeration in the description of the event because of emotions running high. It sounds as though your Mom is at her wits end either from your self centered attitude or the family’s financial situation (or both). Get a job and help out financial. Stop using excuses about not finding a job and go out and get one. It’s the only way you are going to understand the difficulty in stretching a paycheck as far as it can go. Based on your initial posting, you sound quite self centered and all of your decisions have been based on what YOU want. Again realize that I don’t condone any sort of display of violence and if you truly feel threatened, leave. However, it’s time you begin to take financial responsibility for the consequences of your decisions which seemed to only be based on what you want. Get a job. Start contributing financially. Anyone over the age of 14 should be working a summer job. Stop the excuses, get your drivers license, get a job, and think of the financial burden that you’re placing on your parents by not contributing. Do your parents buy everything for you? How do you earn spending money? etc. Your parents sound as though they can’t handle any more debt.</p>

17

<p>This may be an abusive situation, but if so the “abuse” goes both ways. You need to stop making additional financial demands on your family. Your parents are obviously stressed to the max. Your mother needs help, right away. She is clearly at the breaking point. I would fear far more that she would commit suicide than that she would attack YOU. </p>

<p>Go find a job at a fast food restaurant, or answer an ad for a mother’s helper, or get a job working for a cleaning service, whatever you can do. Stop making grandiose plans that involve your parents cosigning loans for questionable courses and expenses, and concentrate on getting straight As in your regular courses.</p>

18

<p>I am with Nester. There could be a lot of rationalization regarding the mother’s behavior, but I don’t believe that at our distance, we can be to careful. If the woman is truly at this point of despair, I would not want to push her any farther and would not want to take any chances that someone is hurt or worse. </p>

<p>Clearly, you are not getting along with her and are not making things better. I suggest you get out. Stay with a friend, get a job, forget about asking her to co sign loans. It is time for you to take care of yourself. Your mother is at a breaking point; no more squeezing anything out of her. You can take classes at another time before applying to law schools, even after graduation to up that gpa. My boys are all working this summer without cars and miles from any transportation. Find a friend to stay with and get a life of your own.</p>

19

<p>When I was about your age I had a very similar confrontation with my mother. I was headstrong, self-righteous, and argumentative. When we would have arguments I would not back down. I would have all of my pseudo-logical points and follow her around until she couldn’t take anymore. One time, in the kitchen, she had a knife and made a similar statement, but I never believed for one minute that she would ever hurt me. </p>

<p>At that time in my life, despite all outward appearances, I was very unhappy with myself. I realize now that I provoked her so that she would say horrible things to me. </p>

<p>The best thing you can do for yourself is become more self-sufficient. Your mom may have snapped, but unless she is truly mentally unbalanced, her reaction was most likely out of desperation. If you stop making financial demands and become more self sufficient she will be healthier and you will feel much stronger.</p>

20

<p>Sanjen’s totally self obsessed attitude matters. Her mom told her that they already had too many loans and that her dad was laid off but all sanjen can think about is .10 GPA for a career she may pursue. Her track record shows lots of fickle behavior, so her mom lost it. She didn’t actually pull a knife, and her comments were no death threat. Her mom is stressed out and her daughter should have more compassion for her!!! If she doesn’t want her mom to mess with knives, then I suggest she get up off her lazy *ss and takeover the dishes and for once think about someone besides herself!!! What is it with this generation that they think loans are the answer to everything? They do have to be paid back you know. A little compassion for mom would go a longggggggg way. I agree a clergy could help.</p>