I like having our kids contact us on holidays, including Mother’s Day. I like them to cook and clean up after themselves at least on this day as well. I prefer gathering with loved ones. Last Mother’s Day, I had several loved ones at our house and made some prime rib roast. It was easy and we all had a nice time. This Mother’s Day will be in NYC with H and S. I’ll be curious to see what S opts to do.
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Father’s Day coincides with my mil’s birthday so we usually went to the in-laws for a cookout.
My mil complained that she had to share her birthday but now that I think about it at least her children and grandchildren if around got together. Which is more than happened on any other person’s birthday in the family.
That’s the thing, these “holidays” are full of minefields to navigate. And emotions that they need to be.
Like I said above, Mother’s Day comes on the heels of my birthday, Easter and a host of other occasions. I’m over celebrating and family togetherness. Usually I want the day to come and go. 
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I always try to make Father’s Day special for my H. That’s why it’s a bummer when it’s not reciprocated.
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My mother (deceased for 41 years) was such a Negative Nellie. Mother’s Day was always near her birthday (May 17), and every year she would remind us that she wanted TWO gifts.
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@momofboiler1 same here. I always made a point of celebrating Fathers Day for H but it was a one way street.
Ironically my own birthday is near ( but never actually on) Mothers Day. H’s was near ( but never actually on) Fathers Day.
Also, my family was not that big on celebrations but we always celebrated my mom and grandma on MD growing up. My dad made sure we did. H ‘s family celebrates everything.
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When kids were living at home, I planned everyone’s birthdays and every major holidays. I told them that there are only 2 days in a year that they need to do something for me, my birthday and mother’s day. The girls treat me pretty well with presents and get together.
Few years ago on mother’s day I was traveling to a small town in France for a cooking class. They some how managed to track down the owner of the B&B, ordered flowers and champagne for me. D1 said communication was a bit difficult.
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I’d be happy if it didn’t exist. Like my MIL and mom need another day to be the center of attention!
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When the kids were young and at home, they would bring me breakfast in bed (with H’s help). He continues to do something special for mothers day.
Now that the kids are gone, a few of us friends have made it a habit to get together that day. Usually at our house since my H is the main cook. The guys cook.
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It’s less about being the center of attention for me and just an acknowledgement.
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I think your post is very apt.
I’ve noticed a trend over the last few years- the emails from the flower companies, the “cute gifts for mom” companies, etc. now have a “please let us know if you would rather not be reminded that Mother’s Day is coming, we know the day is not a universally joyous one for everyone” which I think is terrific.
I know so many people right now struggling with “mommy” issues. The young women frustrated with running out of fertility options; the older women feeling the pinch of the sandwich generation- impossible mother with complex medical and psychiatric issues; needy adult children dealing with medical issues of their own; wanting to be there for grandchildren who sometimes are very difficult, etc. And if the “motherhood industrial complex” realizes that not everyone wants to be sending azaleas and pink leather wallets- I say “fantastic”.
I have a friend who is financially supporting a very difficult MIL (was a narcissist until dementia hit and now she’s just off the wall), missing her own mother who has been gone two years (and was the sweetest and most considerate person you’d ever meet) and is helping her adult kids navigate some complicated “stuff” as well.
I’m sure she’d prefer to spend the day hiding in her bathroom giving herself a facial and not answering her phone if that were an option (but she’s the weekend caregiver to the impossible MIL). Good to remember that everyone isn’t in the same emotional boat.
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It is what I call a Hallmark holiday. I’m sure I resent it because it has always been and still is all about my mother. This year I arranged for H and I plus our kids and grandson to get to her (2+ hours each way for one kid) the weekend afer Mother’s Day and she is carrying on about it being not on the right day. Ugh.
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This was my point. My MIL is over here once a week for dinner. We take her to the movies every week. A “Happy Mother’s Day” should suffice.
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I love it when I get to celebrate with my kids. I dislike having to include my mother but you gotta do what you gotta do.
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I had a difficult mother. And mother’s day was REALLY impossible- difficult mother, needy mother-in-law a couple of hundred miles apart from each other. No good options– split the kids- each parents sees their own mother with a kid or two? We alternate years? We ignore it all together? We make a big luncheon, invite both mom’s plus everyone’s siblings and then get hostility from whichever sibling decided “you ruined mother’s day with my kids” even though all the kids were invited? Make a deal with my siblings on how to split it up- only to have one siblings mother-in-law die the day before mother’s day (how rude, right?) which meant that sibling had to be hundreds of miles away at a funeral (“but we had a deal!”)?
Friends told me ‘you’ll miss mother’s day when they are gone” which is not true.
I miss both mom’s terribly. Their witty or snide commentary, the snark, and yes, the love even if sometimes it was “you’re so pretty with your hair up, you should add a swipe of lipstick and you’d look even better”. And I miss their links to the past and lives that were so different from mine. And their adoration of my kids which was genuine and not pockmarked with passive aggressive quips.
But I do not miss Mother’s Day. I don’t miss Thanksgiving either which was a masterclass in “how to piss everyone off while trying to put their needs first and ignoring your own”. But Mother’s Day is now the sign that the good chocolate and nice flowering plants will be 50% off on Monday, and if my kids call or don’t call I’m honestly fine with it. They are attentive and respectful and loving 364 days a year, so if they need to spend Mother’s Day worrying about their Mother’s in law I’m good with it!
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No mother. No mil. No local children. H and I usually eat out somewhere for lunch after church on Sundays. So on MD or FD the restaurant meal is designated as being for that occasion. Since H usually makes me pick the restaurant anyway, the only difference is I make him pick on FD. There’s nothing I want gift wise and don’t expect anything. I will likely hear from all 3 sons. One calls just about every Sunday anyway. Only problem with that, I remember from last year, is that the other two only call every 3-4 weeks, but with all we usually spend an hour or so catching up, and when they both call on the same day its a lot of talking and also means a long time without talking to either of them. But catching up with them really is the best gift to me.
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As I had written in my original post, we are celebrating a week early since our ds will be in town.
Goodness, I had a difficult time selecting a card today! Yes, I know I should make dh do it, but that is not how we operate in our marriage. I’ve been doing it so long now, that I am used to it. Besides, he wouldn’t do it on my timeline, and I’d be nagging at him. Not worth it to me. And, I’m already at Walmart buying groceries. Anyway, I finally had to land on the section of cards that were labeled, “For Anyone,” because they were the most generic. Very, “Hope you have a wonderful day,” sentiments unlike the ones that were specifically for a mom or even the ones, “from both of us,” which were all just too sappy and too much about how exceptional the mom is.
If dh doesn’t approve, then he can go select one instead.
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DH’s family doesn’t send cards to anyone for any occasion, even among themselves, so I’ve been spared that charade, not that it would ever occur to me to celebrate either of his parents. There would have be to a section labeled “Court-Ordered Acknowledgement” or “Required by Customary Civility.”
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We minimally celebrate Mothers Day and Father’s Day – we’d send a card to our mothers/fathers and our daughter would usually make us a card rather than buy one. Sometimes she still makes us a card, and sometimes buys one. That’s it!
Slight tangent to Mother’s Day - I have had great success buying nice greeting cards on Amazon. Plus I can get others easily to look with me - like a husband. We were looking for a very specific birthday age card, not sappy, and we found a better/bigger choice than if we’d driven all over.
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I am not a card person, but I have a close relative who is. I try to remember to send them cards for all appropriate occasions, the fancier or more specific the better.
My mother is too far away for a visit, but also likes a call. Cards? Neither she nor I really care.
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