<p>I would love to hear your observations on the MIL/DIL relationship. Why it’s so often bad and what can be done.</p>
<p>In my particular family situation, it’s my mother’s DILs (two brothers’ wives) who are the problem but I often hear of rotten mothers-in-law. </p>
<p>Just a light topic for a little chat.</p>
<p>I love my MIL. I hope that I can be as good a MIL to my son’s wives as she has been to me. And I tell her that all the time! In the 28 years of my marriage, there has never been a cross word between us. She respects me and understands that we are both adults and may make decisions that are different from the ones she might make. It also doesn’t hurt that we live in different states and don’t see each other more than a few times a year. I think being apart helps us to appreciate each other when we do get time to spend together.</p>
<p>Had a problem with my MIL from day one…she didn’t think I was good enough for her son, blah, blah. She was the type that always needed to be the center of attention, and didn’t like the fact that I was stealing her thunder, I guess.</p>
<p>Had it out with her less than a year in to the marriage. The result? 23 years later, we get along fine.</p>
<p>I never got along with my MIL either. She was an old-school Italian woman from Italy and I’m not Italian or Catholic, so it was always a problem. She was utterly vicious to me all of my married life, but I always treated her with the courtesy due her as my husband’s mother and would never lower myself to her level. We were never close, never (not once) spoke on the phone or went out, she chose to never spend a single holiday with us over the years and gradually pushed my husband away. She died earlier this year and about a month before she did (when it was clear that the end was coming), she sat down with me for the first time in 24 years and thanked me for giving her son such a good life and for giving her such beautiful grandchildren. She was sorry for all the wasted years. I have a completely clear conscience where our relationship was concerned, but it saddens me deeply that she will never know where my daughter goes to college or see her graduate from high school. That said, my personal theory is that if husbands were to set appropriate boundaries on both sides and be the one to handle problems, there would be less conflict. In my family, the issue is that my brother allows his wife to do and say truly inappropriate (sometimes literally criminal) things to members of his birth family and he never fixes anything or demands an apology. I think of course a husband should build a life with his wife and his first loyalty to her, but shouldn’t there come into play at some time loyalty to his mother or siblings? A line of behavior that can’t be crossed in either direction? Just musing since it’s Christmas and it’s five years since I’ve seen my brother.</p>
<p>zoosermom, so sorry to hear about your situation. 5 years since you have seen your brother - that is so sad.</p>
<p>I was blessed to have a wonderful MIL. When my mother died suddenly, she came to me and said that although she could never take the place of my mom, that she would be there for me any way she could, and for many years, I was blessed to have her counsel and love. She, sadly, died a few years ago, but, I learned alot from her and hope to be a good MIL in turn.</p>
<p>I hope for your sake that either your brother or his wife wake up and realize that you are all losing precious time!!</p>
<p>"I hope for your sake that either your brother or his wife wake up and realize that you are all losing precious time!!</p>
<p>The saddest part is that they are godparents to two of my kids and my youngest doesn’t know them at all. They will not wake up. My SIL’s goal for almost 30 years was to end brother’s relationship with his family. she ultimately succeeded, which was to be expected, but the “how” of it was and remains unexpected. My mother recently told the other siblings that when she dies she doesn’t want that brother contacted until after her memorial service because it is profoundly important to her that SIL not be present. Sadly, I understand.</p>
<p>Ah, Zoos, that’s really sad.</p>
<p>I was blessed with a really wonderful MIL. Actually, I was friends with her before I met my H–she was my 12th grade English teacher!</p>
<p>I’ve often joked with H that I married him because I liked his family so muchj!</p>
<p>zoosermom - Sorry to hear about your brother as well. I think it is all well and good to put your own relationships/children first, but I think that parents/siblings/extended family needs to have priority as well. We are modeling behavior for our children. Don’t we want our kids to be close when they get older. Don’t we want our sons to be close to family as they get older? Hope your brother’s wife (and brother) realize what they are missing out on.</p>
<p>That said, my siblings and I just had a squabble re the holiday schedule. Who goes where for Christmas, etc. The difference is that we don’t hold long term grudges, just get annoyed and agree to disagree with each other. Some issue re scheduling dinner when the four of us are in town. We’ll see how it goes.</p>
<p>Having as much trouble as I do with my MIL is one of my great regrets. We have never had even a half reasonable relationship, and I think there is loss all the way around as a result. We have tried, sigh, but there is nothing at all to build a relationship on…she doesn’t like me, and frankly, I don’t like her.</p>
<p>I defnitely, definitely think that liking the IL family is really beneficial to all involved. It is easier on the marriage too.</p>
<p>my own mother trys to complain to me about my brothers wife ( mother of his 8 year old) and his ex wife ( mother of his two college age kids- to which he is not contributing a penny)
I always change the subject .
My brother * as the boy* has always been the favorite - not that there is a direct relationship- but I can’t even stand to be in the same room with him, let alone listen to how * difficult* life is for him from my mother.</p>
<p>However, although my sister has at least as hard of a time with my brother in law- in fact much more so, I only ever hear the most mild criticism from mom re him.
But I don’t get along with my inlaws either- nor does my husband, which is a shame, but after a while you recognize where you want to put your energy.</p>
<p>My mother-in-law is sweet, generous, interesting and humorous. I wish I could see her more often. She lives really far away. </p>
<p>Now, my father-in-law??? <em>gritting teeth</em></p>
<p>My MIL is not married to my FIL. She and her new husband were both married when they hooked up. He was already rich, she was just about to receive a large inheritance. They are both incredibly status conscious. She used her inheritance to put her new husband’s kids through prestigious colleges (Yale & Wesleyan), but gave her own children nothing. </p>
<p>She visits us once a year. I am always polite to her, but I do not think very highly of her. </p>
<p>OTOH, my husband LOOOOVES my mom. He gets a huge kick out of her. She’s pretty fond of him, too.</p>
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<p>I am not a psychologist, but I have thought a lot about the MIL/DIL relationship. I think that the reason it is often strained is b/c:
<p>Also I do think that the adage “blood is thicker than water” is often so true and to the point. It is a shame. In our family, for example, the sisters (birth siblings) are very close. SILs are not treated with love and kindness.</p>
<p>My MIL is wonderful. She does have her opinions, but she doesn’t really force them on anyone…just wants us to hear them. She is helpful, caring, and truthfully takes time with each of her children and their spouses, and all the grandchildren. She has more energy than I have, and is always willing to chip in with some project when she’s here (last time, we reupholstered my dining room chairs). I’m very luck, I guess.</p>
<p>My problem is that I’m so desperate for a girl around this house that I turn every one of my sons’ girlfriends into DILs. Then I’m so disappointed and surprised when they break up! Really, how stupid is that??? (I’m learning though!)</p>
<p>My (future) FIL is absolutely one of my favorite human beings on the planet. I overheard him call me his “daughter” when talking to another person a few months ago, and it made me so happy and glad to be part of my fiance’s family.</p>
<p>My MIL is a bit more of a challenge – her latest exploit is that she emailed all of my bridesmaids requesting that they pick out the same bridesmaid dresses (although I had told them they could pick out their own dresses, even if all three dresses were different). She means well. She just likes to direct things, and I’m not the type who likes to be directed.</p>
<p>But she and my mother are good friends, which makes me really glad. My grandmothers disliked each other quite a bit, and I’m happy that my mom and my MIL have a good relationship.</p>
<p>I never had a sister … so I am pretty close with my 2 SILs-- the ones married to my brothers. On the other hand. I am not friendly at all with my husband’s brother’s wife. Probably because she is about 15 years older than I am, and her kids are 30 yrs older than my kids.</p>
<p>weenie, Nothing wrong with being a “MIL in training”
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<p>Mollie, It is great that your MIL and mother get along well, and that you have a FIL that feels like you are his daughter!</p>
<p>MY MIL could have been out of a soap opera, both MIL & FIL are very manipulative. H moved our family away from them physically early on, though we have felt their influence our entire married lives. </p>
<p>They think they have a wonderful relationship and we are gracious with them and they adore me, but I despise how they make my H feel. They have always been emotionally abusive and clueless about it. Now that we are “old” I can analyze them and deal with it without getting to caught up in the trauma, but I sure wish I had known at 20 what I know/understand now about them now.</p>
<p>On the other hand, my H is adored by and adores my parents. They love him like a son and he loves them and we have a wonderful rapport…my parents spent almost three months with us this year and my H just blossoms under their love. He is that little boy with a negligent mother who just wants to be loved. It is sad. </p>
<p>I endeavor to make the relationship with his parents as positive as possible, for his sake, he wants their love and approval, though they seem incapable of unconditional parently love 
I did have to have a conscious realization many years ago that I could do it better if I stayed emotionally distant inside. I just could not let myself care too deeply or it would hurt too much. Very sad.</p>
<p>I believe they are simply emotionally stunted themselves and do not have the ability to do more than care about themselves. Each wants to be the center of attention and be most important to every one, no room is left to spend much energy on others. They want to be involved, but are more about checking off a list of things they “should do” with their kids or grandkids, not about enjoying good times and laughter.</p>
<p>One thing I have learned in recent years is all the brutal social slights my MIL perpetrated upon my mother in those early years of dating and marriage. Luckily my mum knew she had won the war and chose not to fight the battles, but MIL dissed my mum in so many sad little ways, it really brought home to me MIL’s patheticness!</p>
<p>I think she was simply incapable of letting any one else have their moment in the limelight. MIL never had any interest in getting to know me as a person, which was fine and I am content I was able to stay above the fray and be kind to her, especially as she aged and became incapicitated (and powerless!) But, life could have been so much better were she a nice person!</p>
<p>When I reread what I have written, it sounds horrid, but I have been validated by so many of their friends and my SIL to confirm that my family is normal and my in-laws are abnormal.</p>
<p>I loved my mother in law even though she was a bit managing. Visiting was sometimes a bit of a trial since I really hate being hovered over at breakfast - she meant well though! Sadly she had premature dementia and was incapacitated for many years before passing away a few years ago.</p>