<p>I’m very close to my SIL, she’s practically my best friend. Even though I have 3 sisters.</p>
<p>My husband and I have been very lucky with the parents. </p>
<p>My husband got along very well with my parents, and although I already had several brothers, he was really treated as one of the family. My parents were in their early 40s when I was born (definitely an “oops baby”), and sadly my parents have passed away now. It’s funny to me how similar my h is to my father in so many ranfom things from the love of old tv westerns to their preference of strawberry milkshakes. </p>
<p>I also get along very well with his parents. Funny thing is that my husband is the oldest, and his parents are about the same age as my older siblings. I think he may have been an “oops baby” too, but on the other end of the spectrum. 
My MIL can sometimes be a little on the pushy side, and she gives advice as if we’re in our 20s, but I guess in her eyes, we’re still kids. It can be frustrating, but it’s her way of showing love.</p>
<p>I’ve been a MIL for about 1.5 years now. So far it has been great. They even live in the same town with us, which I was afraid might be a problem–but we have all respected each other’s privacy. DIL and I meet to shop or eat out when the guys are busy. My D has the sister she never had. If anyone has a complaint it is probably my son as I usually side with the DIL if my opinion is asked ;). </p>
<p>At the rehearsal dinner, the kids gave both her parents and us sets of keys to their new house on engraved keyrings. The engraving said “Knock first”.</p>
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<p>That’s a lovely sentiment mkm, and one that should make for a mutually happy relationship.</p>
<p>I LOVE my MIL (actually my DH’s step mom as his mom died at 54). We call her “Big Mamma” at her request. FIL is called “Big Daddy” they are fun people to be around and I don’t know how they keep up their social schedule. They have a lot more energy in their 70’s than I have in my 40’s.</p>
<p>My MIL passed away some years ago, but when she lived she was a very, very tough person to get along with. (Narcisistic and manipulative to the point where people had to choose “fight or flight.”) My H’s sister did not get along with her mom at all (because they were so much alike). We rarely see or hear from her, and I suppose it is just as well. But unfortunately on the other front, we haven’t seen either of my two sisters for about five years or more. They are also tough to get along with and act a lot like “mean girls” (the ones in the movie); I’ve come to the conclusion after trying hard to treat them well for many years that they are just plain bullies and will never change. Sometimes I feel so badly for my children because they have never known any extended relatives other than my parents, and sometimes I feel we’re the only family in the world that is this disfunctional. Does anyone have any ideas about what I could do for my kids to make up for this loss?</p>
<p>limodriverlady, I grew up in a home without extended relatives. My father has one sister, and my mother had one brother. My mother’s brother visited his mother frequently and since she lived with us, I did see him. I never saw his wife (my aunt) or their children (my cousins). We shared only a few holidays together while I was growing up. It was b/c they stayed closer to his wife’s side of the family. My father’s sister married wealth and we were the blacksheep of their family (we were middle class), so we rarely saw them.</p>
<p>You cannot make for this, but it does help if you can get close to second and third cousins. I did enjoy some of our more distant relatives. My H has a large family, and we see them frequently. They have filled the void a little bit, but there is still a void.</p>
<p>I wish all could have the kind of family I married into. I guess I kind of take it for granted, but when I read some of these posts, they break my heart.</p>
<p>As I said before, my MIL was an incredible woman, and she raised incredible kids (DH included :)). All of the In laws are great friends, and in fact, we all live within a 5 block range. The kids have grown up together as much siblings as cousins. I have the oldest (soph in college) and then currently at the hs, my s is senior, one cousin is a junior, another is a sophomore, my youngest and another cousin are freshmen. Following next, there is the 1st girl cousin who is in 8th grade, then a lag (woops) of another cousin in Kindergarten, and then last but not least, the youngest brother’s first baby, another girl at 18 months (and yes, she is spoiled rotten by all her older cousins). </p>
<p>We are together so much that I think it is somewhat intimidating to people outside the family because we probably come off as a impenetrable force! </p>
<p>Last night, my FIL rented a party bus, and all of us (plus girlfriends of the older kids) drove around a particularly gaudy Christmas light neighborhood singing carols at the top of our lungs. People watching the spectacle would think we are crazy, but we are so comfortable around one another that there are no inhibitions!! Then we ended up at a bar b que joint where they had set up a separate room for us. What I thought was really neat was that at first the kids sat at separate tables, but as the adults joined a couple of big tables so we could all sit together, the kids pulled up big tables so they could be with us too. We ended up all gathered around about 4 long tables joined. It seemed symbolic to me - we are joined by love and committment to family. I didn’t really have that with my own family, so I truly feel blessed to be part of the one I married into.</p>
<p>Sorry, I have gone on about it - I just love them so much! </p>
<p>For those of you who have inlaw difficulties, you are part of your own family, starting your own traditions, and hopefully, your kids will all want their spouses and kids to be a part of each other’s lives!! You and your spouse are the trunk of the family tree, bring nourishment to the offshoots and they will flourish!!!</p>
<p>Ag, consider yourself very very lucky.</p>
<p>My birth family is more like the IL family you describe, although we don;t all live close by. We have an annual family reunion, with all cousins, siblings, etc., and it is just a blast. My DH loves my family, and they love him. The only sadness is thinking that we don’t have this closeness or comraderie with his side of the family. </p>
<p>Of course there is loss, but we try not to dwell on it. But those of you who have special IL relationships, cherish them, and consider yourselves very blessed.</p>
<p>My relationship with my MIL has gotten better, but it’s taken more than 25 years to get to that point. For many years, all I listened to was “DS did that and DS did that and DS did this and DS accomplished that.” Many times I thought, “what am I, chopped liver?” Once she came to my house to babysit and REARRANGED some of my furniture. (I was not a young bride-already out of law school and working when we got married.) Part of the problem may have been that my father passed away less than a year after I got married (he was a young man) and I was pretty upset about it for a long time. I don’t think my MIL ever really understood since her own parents were still alive at that time. My FIL was always great and easy going and we got along great. I can’t even remember how the transition occurred but we are now to the point where we get along well. I admire those of you who have had good relationships from the start. It must make your relationships with your H’s much less stressful from the beginning!</p>
<p>H and I have been married nearly 20 years. He brought his 2-yr-old son to our marriage so I was an instant stepmom. When his first wife left him, she also left the infant son, so my H got lots of help from his mom (my MIL) with babysitting and all.
When H and I had our own children together, my MIL showed obvious favoritism to my stepson. Taking him out to special events, buying him things, starting saving accounts for him, and on and on. And not doing those things for my kids. This did not go over so well with me, as I felt my own kids were being slighted. So I was very bitter toward my MIL for many years. H talked with her about it and her attitude was “if I want a favorite, that is my business!” Whatever.
MIL still favors the stepson but I have come to accept it. I can’t do anything to change her behavior.
I do get along with her although we don’t have a lot in common.
I hope to someday be a non-busybody MIL to my future DILs. My stepson is married now and I try to be like a friend to stepDIL (who I really like) and stay out of their business.</p>
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<p>momof3sons, If MILs, FILs, SILs, BILs, would stop and think about the stress that is created by poor relationships for their loved ones, maybe they would work on building better relationships a little bit more.</p>
<p>DrDrewsmom, I think that what your MIL is absolutely wrong, but I wonder whether her reasoning was an attempt to make up for the fact that your stepson’s biological mother was not there for him, and your biological children did not have a biological parent abandon them.</p>
<p>I met my MIL at my wedding 20 years ago. She was always the kindest person and a lovely grandma to our kids. She was never critical of anything. Unfortunately, she died very suddenly of a heart attack at the young age of 63 (10 years ago). I only wish she could see her granddaughters who were born after she died–2 of them look just like her! The only bad thing I could say about her is that she never taught her son to clean up after himself!</p>
<p>Great thread! lol…my MIL was in competition with me for “sonny boy” (honest to god, that’s what she called him) from day one. She once wedged herself between us on a loveseat. That same day, early in our relationship, we had both made him sandwiches during the day, and she asked him whose was the best! When we were trying to get funding for our first house, she called my husband’s boss and told him not to let my H take the company loan, because we couldn’t “handle” it. We didn’t get the loan, and lost the house. She has whined when seeing him give me flowers, “you never buy ME flowers!” The day I gave birth to my first daughter, she came into the room, saw me holding my baby, and immediately said (before she was through the doorway) “what, you’re holding her so high?” I shot back “What, you’re starting already?” and laughed. My SIL is also a nut. She was the absolute princess and ruler of the house growing up, to the exlusion of my husband. (I’ve heard those sad stories from other relatives who knew them growing up) They are all still in fear of her. My MIL and FIL have always favored her children in every way, probably because she’s so aggressive. She has cut my family off 3 times, each time for several years, for imagined slights. One was because she didn’t like the wording on a thank you note I had sent to her! (Boy, as I read this over, I realize just how dysfuntional they really are.) SIL has just cut my husband and our family off for the third time, this time over an innocent comment he made about some boxes. For both of the previous ‘cut-offs,’ we were the ones who took the high road and healed the rift. I’m not so sure about this one. I think he’s had it. My husband is at the beck and call of his elderly parents, and is over there helping them do one thing or another 4 or 5 days per week. They live an hour away. On the other side of things, my own mother and father adored my husband, who is a genuinely nice guy and a hard worker. As my mother got older, we built an apartment in the lower level of our house for her, where she lived happily until she died last February. She and my H got along wonderfully. I think he really feels awful when he sees the difference in our families.</p>
<p>She was the greatest & ever so grateful that I recognized her S as the gem he is! We always got along quite well and she absolutely LOVED our kids. I regret that she only lived to see the younger one turn one year old.</p>
<p>What helped both of us is that she had AWFUL in-laws & vowed never to meddle like them. She promised herself that she would be the best MIL she could. I was also a bit older–bride at 28–and was used to making my own decisions. Hubby & I have always had a strong relationship & are pretty good at selective blindness & deafness when our loving parents or in-laws give unsolicited advice. By the time we married, my in-laws were also older (70s) & “mellower.”</p>
<p>Since her D & S live in SF, my hubby was her only child living in HI & we always wanted to include her & her hubby in all our celebrations. Her health was frail by the time & met her (renal failure), but she was very cheerful, supportive & an excellent cook. She & FIL were always begging to watch our children or at least have us bring them over to visit. We visited often & took lots of pictures. We really miss MIL & FIL and wish that their health had been better so they could have lived to watch their beloved grandkids grow up; they would have been so happy & proud (tho we believe they’re watching from heaven).</p>
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<p>I know, but I couldn’t help but feel angry about the way my own biological sons were treated by MIL. They are her grandkids too!</p>
<p>I know this is off-topic, but tanyanubin, that is horrible. Your MIL sounds like a complete narcissist. I have a parent like that only my wonderful H is the one who’s had to take all the cr@p for years. I finally cut off this parent as I could not stand the way my H was being treated. He is a great guy and is very forgiving but a few months ago he was pushed too far and I had had enough. Life is too short to put up with toxic people. Maybe you not having to deal with psycho SIL isn’t such a bad thing ;)</p>
<p>drdrewsmom, That is exactly why she is wrong. The action your MIL took was wrong, as was the abdonment of your stepson’s mother, so now there are 2 wrongs. You have every right to feel angry. I would have felt the same way too. I was just showing you that the reason, in my mind, comes through loud and clear.</p>
<p>tanya, it is the description you gave of your MIL that I think is basically at the root for a lot of the MIL/DIL problems. It is about competition for “sonny boy”. If MILs would just think about the misery they cause their sonny boys perhaps they would change.</p>
<p>My MIL just called and invited me to go to NYC with her for a week in March to see a bunch of Broadway shows. So I’d have to give her an A+!!</p>
<p>My MIL is generous, energetic, and fun-- and she is a superlative grandma. I feel very lucky to have her.</p>
<p>My MIL is a nice lady who lives far away and is afraid of saying BOO! We get along very well and have great phone conversations. In fact, I think DS is a bit jealous…he was not the favorite with her when growing up.</p>
<p>Tanya - I was disowned by my father about 8 or 9 years ago, another toxic headcase…and although it is sad when these things occur sometimes it is the very best outcome, especially for all of us in the ‘white hats’ 
Best Wishes</p>
<p>I lost my mother when my youngest child was 3 mos. old, my oldest was 5.
I have 4 children, so I can tell you that my relationship was at its most intimate at the stage when I lost her- she was my confidante, peer, and advisor, all at the same time. My mother-in-law, who had raised 3 children, basically as a single mother (lost her husband at 39 years of age with 3 young children) stepped in at an incredibly supportive level and was my friend. She often told me that she liked me “better than her son”. I lost her this past year in April and I am finding the holidays to be very flat this year- I cannot get excited and I feel sad that I am setting the tone for my family’s holiday. I really miss her and feel quite fortunate to have had such a great woman touch my life. This is not about me- we’re all sad, but I just wanted to let folks know that they should count their blessings while they can…</p>