Move long distance with kid in college?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m likely to soon be offered a new job which would involve moving from NJ to the west coast. It would be a great professional opportunity for me, but a huge personal life change. H would also have to find a new job on the west coast, but would probably get some job search assistance from my new employer. I don’t know the details yet of the offer and the relocation package, but am considering if I would want to take it. We have lived in the same house for 20 years, and the thought of moving is overwhelming. H and I were both originally from the midwest, but have lived in NJ for most of our adult lives. We have some extended family in the area whom we see typically 1x per year, but not close family. When H and I first moved to NJ, we hadn’t expected to stay for long, but were never both unhappy with our jobs at the same time, so we ended up staying. </p>

<p>D is a rising college sophomore, attending college which is less than 3 hours drive away. Distance from home was an important factor in the college that she selected to attend, and one of the reasons she chose her school instead of some other schools that were further away from home. She is home for the summer now, and has frequent interaction with her high school friends. During her freshman year she came home for all school breaks, and a couple of extra weekends, including for HS homecoming. One HS friend visited her at her college on her birthday. She is rather unhappy that we are considering a move, and so far away. Her college (Dickinson) has some national reach, but has a majority of students from the mid-Atlantic and northeast. She will likely study abroad her entire junior year. </p>

<p>We also have a S who just graduated college, and will attend law school in the fall, in the midwest. He has spent the last few summers away at school, and wouldn’t be very affected by a move. </p>

<p>H is not too enthusiastic about the idea of a move. However, he doesn’t love his job right now, and has a really long commute. He is willing to consider the move, and look into finding a job at the new location. We are planning on about 10 more years of working before we retire. I also have a quite long commute. We have gone to great lengths over the years to find jobs where we didn’t have to move and uproot the children, which has translated into long commutes. For me, I had to find a new job 4 years ago when my company closed a division, and turned down a great offer with the same company that involved a long relocation, and instead found a good but not great fitting local job with a quite long commute. D had just finished her freshman year of HS at the time, and we felt that a move at that time would have been extremely hard on her. </p>

<p>Unlike my situation 4 years ago, I don’t have an urgent need to find a new job, and can continue with my current job. However, I’m growing less enthusiastic about the job, and the long commute is draining. I’m also about to complete a major milestone at work, and will be less motivated after it is finished. I’ve started looking for a new job locally in recent months, but have not had any luck. I have a pretty senior (and high paying) engineering position with a narrow technical specialty, and there just isn’t a lot of work in this technical area in my local geography, and even fewer senior level positions. I was approached by a recruiter at the new employer for this job, who found me on LinkedIn. The new position looks very interesting, where I can leverage my current background and learn new things, and should pay well. If it was local, I would accept it in a heartbeat. </p>

<p>I’m wondering how much consideration in the decision-making process to give D’s unhappiness about a move. Were we not to move, I would imagine that she would continue to spend all of her college summers and breaks at home in NJ. I would also think it likely that she might move back home after college for a time, while she gets slowly launched in a career. (She is studying psychology, which doesn’t have the greatest job possibilities for graduates.) D has lived her entire life in the same house. (Even in the same bedroom.) Over the last couple of years, I’ve tried to gradually prepare her for the idea that we may move someday. Several years ago, when S graduated HS, he mentioned that the parents of a bunch of his friends moved right after their kids (his classmates) graduated HS, and how weird he thought that was. We pointed out that these parents had probably wanted to move for a while, and had purposely waited until their kids graduated HS, which was a concept that both of my kids had a hard time understanding at the time.</p>

<p>Has anyone moved long distance while their kids were in college? What about two-career couple moves?</p>

2

<p>I know of one family who did it. It destroyed their daughter. The daughter desperately wanted to move from Jersey to UPenn for college. Then her parents moved. They wanted her to be close, so instead of going to UPenn, she’s going to this crappy community college in FL.</p>

<p>If your daughter is going to study abroad, for a year, then surely, she can be in Jersey while her parents are in CA for two years.</p>

<p>I personally think that your D has to get over it. It’s likely that after she graduates, she’ll move to a different state anyway so you shouldn’t sacrifice a great opportunity when she is willing to go to a different country anyway. Most kids who are fresh in college don’t want to be far. But as she gets older and finds herself and makes closer bonds, she will be less concerned with being in Jersey.</p>

<p>Take the job. If it means that much to your daughter, she can transfer into a UC for her senior year. </p>

<p>What I will say is, make sure your H has a few jobs lined up in the West Coast before the move so he has options.</p>

3

<p>I don’t think I would do it. The west coast (where I live) is so, so, so, so, so different than the east coast. You don’t even know if you would like it. Your daughter still needs her home base, even if she is going to study abroad for a year. She’ll come home to visit in your new house and won’t feel at home - at all. If you don’t need the job, aren’t hankering to move so far, I don’t know why you would want to do it. And long commute? Depending where you are talking about on the “west coast” a 10 mile commute can take 45 minutes at the wrong time of day. A 30 mile commute can take 2 hours in the LA area. Or more. Traffic out here can be insane. One Friday night we were visiting Irvine, thought it would be fun to have dinner in Hollywood. It’s not that far. It took so long to get there by the time we did we were ready to ditch the car and walk. It is frustrating, irritating, annoying, maddening. Crawling along at 2 mph on the freeway - for hours! I can’t even remember how many hours it took. At least two, probably more like three. To drive what - 30 miles? </p>

4

<p>You need more information before you know for sure if you want to take the job. </p>

<p>Have they flown you out there for an interview? Have you met the people in person? Have they discussed salary, bonus, and relocation package? Have they set you up with a real estate agent to see what you can get for what price? Have you hung around the library in the town you might move to? Stopped in at Starbucks? Noticed what type of cars people drive near where you’d be living? Stopped in at a church/synagogue to see if you’d mesh with the congregation?</p>

<p>So that’s one thing.to do before you know for sure. Until you do all that, everything is just speculation and fantasy.</p>

<p>As far as your daughter is concerned, if I understand correctly, she has two more years of school remaining, one of which will be abroad. So there’s really only one more year of college when she’d be inconvenienced. When I left for college, my parents sort of sold our house out from under me. I wound up spending virtually every vacation at a HS friend’s house. </p>

<p>Also, if you think the job is a good one and everything else looks appealing, talk to your daughter. Don’t assume she doesn’t want you to take it and move.</p>

<p>If this job is a great opportunity for you and DH, I don’t think you should let your daughter’s inconvenience require that you turn it down.</p>

5

<ol>
<li><p>Wait until you are actually offered the job. It’s very typical for an employer to be seriously considering only 2 or 3 candidates for a job… and if you are one of those you probably will get your hopes up - but as long as there are others in the running, it’s far from a sure thing.</p></li>
<li><p>If the job is a good opportunity, take it. Your daughter will get over it - your move may even encourage her to spread her wings in a positive way. It is NOT a good thing for her to be coming home every summer while in college unless your NJ community happens to be a great place for employment or internships – but if she’s coming home each summer without working, or getting some summer job working for a retailer or food service or some other seasonal employment… it’s not a productive use of time for a college student. So its quite possible that your moving will give your daughter the extra nudge out of the nest that is also going to be helpful for her future career prospects. Also, keep in mind that given her undergrad degree, she’s likely to want to attend grad school sooner or later – so even though she chose an undergrad college based on proximity to home, she could very well end up on the west coast for grad school, with or without your moving. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>My two kids live in places that are pretty far flung – my son’s path to his current home city was also kind of circuitous. He came home from college, interviewed locally, and was offered a job on the opposite coast. He took it. So you never know. Your daughter is growing and it is only a few short years before she is likely to be the one weighing the pros and cons of a big move for a job – so don’t let your concerns about her hold you back. She’s not a baby anymore – if she wants to go back to the home town to be with friends, then surely some of those friends can offer her a place to stay. </p>

6

<p>Agreed. If the job opportunity is a good one, and moving to the wast coast works for you…take the job.</p>

7

<p>Since your H is not enthused, would you guys consider a bi-coast home for a couple years? He keeps the NJ house and she still have her home base, and you and he could take turns visiting back and forth, then he could join you after D graduates.</p>

8

<p>I would move if the opportunity was good. The CEO that rent my house for years came from New Jersey, he probably would not have the same opportunity had he been back in New Jersey. Both of your kids are technically adults so I wouldn’t worry too much about them. I’m putting up with long commute and that prompts my husband and I to retire soon. But I think the 405 is the worst freeway in CA for commuters.</p>

9

<p>My in laws moved 5 hours away when their D was in college … then moved 17 hours away when my now-H was in college. The joke was that it was how they made sure their kids didn’t return home to live after they graduated! H and SIL survived just fine. Kids in college are grown ups, and you may move, they may move … that’s how it goes. It is so easy to stay in touch over long distances today. </p>

10

<p>First, I would wait for a solid job offer, and then will start weighing all factors. The area where you will be moving to could be important. Are the job prospects good for both you and your H? Can you buy a house where you would not be subjecting yourselves to the same terrible commute that you have now? Your D is an adult. The longer she is tethered to your house, the longer it would take for her to spread her wings and learn to fly on her own. Although we sacrificed some professional advancement because of the kids on our own, the kids would never consider asking us to do this for them. We can give you all sorts of advice and opinions, but in the end it will be ultimately your decision. Think of how would you feel 5 years down the road about not taking the position all while your D decided to move several states away to pursue a job, grad school or be with her BF or H. </p>

11

<p>We moved overseas as soon as our youngest S graduated from HS. Our oldest D was just beginning her senior year in college. She was more upset that we were selling her childhood home rather than how far away we were moving (although we were already pretty far from her college). </p>

<p>The biggest issue was coming home for breaks. During his freshman year, S2 spent “fall break” on campus, Thanksgiving with his sister in DC, and Easter break and Spring Break with friends. He did come visit us for 2 weeks at Christmas and 3 weeks this summer. The rest of the summer will be spent with his grandmother in our old home town working and seeing his friends. I suspect that future summers will be spent in his college town working (once he gets an apartment). </p>

<p>We are a very independent family - our kids have always been pretty independent. We communicate with Viber and Skype and, quite frankly, we’ve all gotten used to being so far away. When D graduated from college in May, she realized that she couldn’t move in with us (no work visa for our country) so I think it motivated her to find a job and a place to live. We are helping her a little more financially than we would if she could move home. </p>

<p>So…just think about your family dynamics. Are your kids independent? Are they ok with not coming home all the time? Do you feel that you need to visit them all the time at college (our kids are performing artists and we are not able to go see their performances)? If you decide to move, just talk to your kids and explain your decisions. I really wouldn’t let their opinions color your decision.</p>

12

<p>While I was in college, my parents moved onto a boat and then took the boat somewhere in the ocean for a year. After the year, they never came back to the original location. If your daughter has so many HS friends, certainly she could stay with them if she wants to visit. It seems to me the biggest obstacle is your H who is not thrilled with the idea.</p>

13

<p>I just want to note that the D in question is a <em>rising</em> sophomore. Would your answer be different if the OP had said that “D has just finished her freshman year”?</p>

14

<p>Why should it be any different? The bottom line is that the daughter is now old enough to fend for herself, and can consider other options next summer (jobs, internships, etc.). </p>

15

<p>You may find that if you really are offered the job – if ---- that may color your thinking. Imagined offers have more appeal than actual offers.</p>

<p>I, myself, would never do this unless it was required to keep my finances in order. DH’s parents moved away from everyone in pursuit of a dream job. Which ate up their life, to no good end. Once they moved, the job had to justify moving, their life had to justify moving, etc…Not what they had imagined, at all. We have a very different relationship because they never had time to come see us, and we’ve never had the money to go see them. For DH, he has no family home to return to, which is a first world problem :slight_smile: but I know he sometimes feels that loss.</p>

<p>YMMV, of course. Living in CA could be a thrilling change. (we lived in NJ for years – I love it there!) In the end, I think a job is just a job, and people are more important. It’s a wonderful thing to feel the validation of a job offer, for sure. </p>

16

<p>I would consider the move if it is a good job offer and if you would like the location. You have spent last 20+ years taking care of your kids, they will be fine without you around. Your D will most likely get an internship away from home next summer and once she graduates hopefully she won’t be living at home. </p>

<p>I live less than 2 miles from D1, but I don’t see her more than few times a month. D2 is doing an internship in the same town, but she is living in a dorm that’s paid by her employer. When kids get older, we stop being the center of their world. Therefore I say it is also time we stop making decisions based on what’s best for our kids at some point. OP’s D will be fine. I would be more concerned if H wants to move. I personally am not sure if I would want to live in CA, I prefer four seasons in the NE.</p>

17

<p>If the job is offered and it’s appealing - go! I would never expect my kids to return to the area they grew up just because I’m here. And I hope they’d understand and appreciate the reverse. My D is off to college and we selling the “family home”. Our kids (another will be a senior in college) are fine with it. Why do we need a house big enough for 4 when there are now only 2? D will be 1000 miles away and only home at Christmas. Go for the adventure and the different! If you do move, invite her and friends to spend the summer. </p>

18

<p>We moved last August, right after D2 started her freshman year. D1 is out working and lives in a different country, at this point, though will probably return to the states, though not our state or the place we were originally living, anyway. She hadn’t been home for the summer since the summer after her first year of college, anyway. D2 is working this summer in NYC, at an internship. It’s easier for us to get to NYC from here than from Chicago, and we go there anyway, now, once or twice a month just for the theater or shopping or restaurant.</p>

<p>We moved because I had an opportunity to do something in my field that I wanted to do. H is not quite fifty but basically retired from a successful finance career. Around here he’s found a great chance to work in non-profits and give back to a cause he really cares about. </p>

<p>The kids (Not kids anymore) are glad we moved. They don’t want to feel like they have to move “home” or whatnot…either.</p>

19

<p>This is the type of thing that is going to be such an individual decision. I, personally, would never even consider it. We are a very close family, with 4 of our 5 Ds living in close proximity. It has nothing to do with not making them ‘fend for themselves’. They all have careers, families/significant others, large groups of friends, but we see them often, which is nice. The one who is not here is far, in the UK and although she loves it there and has a great career, she misses being close to us, and especially to her grandparents who are getting up there in years. None of our kids moved ‘home’, as in into our home, when they graduated, but they are grateful to be able to maintain friendships with kids they grew up with in the area. </p>

<p>Having to communicate solely by skype or email would, for us, be awful. Being able to get together for coffee, or have everyone over for dinner, celebrate special occasions together, babysit the grandchildren when asked, those things are important to us and we’d all be missing out on a lot if it were not possible.</p>

<p>My feelings are the same when discussions arise about moving for retirement, and I’ve shared those here many times through the years. :slight_smile: In addition to the family considerations, we’d never want to leave our circle of friends, colleagues, and our community involvement. </p>

<p>As others have mentioned, I’m not sure where in California you’re considering but we have extended family in several areas of the state and, the traffic in every one of those areas is far worse than anything you’d face in NJ. Be sure to try out that potential commute if that’s something that is important to you.</p>

20

<p>D just finished her freshman year at college, so has 3 years left of college, one of which will likely be spent abroad. </p>

<p>Despite having lived in NJ for so many years, we don’t really feel like we have strong ties here. We’ve been thinking for a while of moving within the next few years, but have more been thinking to stay on on East coast, but move to a warmer location with lower cost of living, such as VA or NC. H and I area both originally from the same midwestern city and met as undergrads at the state flagship U. Much of our family still live in that city, but I don’t think I would ever want to settle there. My sister lives in Europe, so we’re used to traveling to see family, and staying connected via phone and email. My closest friend in NJ is planning to move away in the near future, now that her kids are in college. I don’t know where S will settle, but doubt it would be NJ. He will attend law school in the midwest, but not in the same city where H and I grew up. D is the one who would be more likely to want to come home after graduating. </p>

<p>The new job is west coast, but not Silicon Valley. It is in a location where a short commute is actually feasible, depending of course, on if H was able to find a job nearby. I visited it when I interviewed, and felt pretty comfortable there. There are not a huge number of companies there, so if this job didn’t work out, another move would probably be needed. H and I would hope to be able to last 10 years until retirement, when we might move again. By that point, S and D might be more settled themselves, and we could consider where they were living in where we would move to then. </p>

<p>Unless H is able to get a job in the new area, I can’t really consider it too seriously. Although I don’t have an offer in hand yet, the HR person I talked to said that they are putting one together for me, and we discussed compensation. Thanks for all of the feedback. This is really going to be a tough decision.</p>