<p>Just a word of advice: While they are putting the offer together, and once you have the offer in hand, you are in the most powerful position you will ever be in to ask for additional “stuff.” Like, perhaps, job-hunting assistance for your spouse, with an outplacement firm. (Can cost upwards of $25K. If they really want you, they should provide it.) </p>
<p>Sacchi, to me it would matter a lot if I liked the community we would be moving to, not just the job. A couple of thoughts:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>As you know, my D1 attended Dickinson, and we live several states away in the Midwest. So she never really had the chance to come home during short breaks. She had friends from Dickinson, and she would spend short breaks and holidays like Thanksgiving and Easter with their families. She is pretty outgoing, so it worked for her. Of course, she went in with that expectation – for your D it would be a change. But as there ARE plenty of local students at Dickinson, she probably wouldn’t have trouble getting invitations to stay.</p></li>
<li><p>My D found as she got older, fewer of her friends were home over breaks anyway. Winter break, yes. But in the summer they were off doing internships in other cities, field research, etc. Those ties start to fade around junior year of college just because everyone isn’t around as much anyway. They don’t go away, but there is just less opportunity for them to connect anyway.</p></li>
<li><p>I am thinking about making a similar move; D2 is in college on the West Coast now, and unlikely to move back long term to our city (polar vortex & D2 are NOT a happy combo). D1 has settled in DC after her Dickinson years. I am thinking of moving to the East Coast, too. It is a lot of work to get ready to move, and a bit scary, but I am excited for a change as well. I never chose the city I live in now (ex-H lived here when I met him), and I like the idea of exploring a new part of the country and being closer (again) to one of my kids. I don’t plan to make the move for 3-4 years, but am taking steps now to be ready to do so. I work as an independent project management consultant, so feel like the job situation isn’t my biggest worry (I change clients every 12-24 months usually anyway). D2 is a little disconcerted when I talk about moving, but she knows our house is too big for me to keep long term anyway, and she admits she probably won’t live in this area long term.</p></li>
<li><p>I don’t have to consider the job and feelings of an H, so that is an added challenge for you. He would really have to be on-board for you to take this step, I assume. Has he been to the area where you would move? Certainly you would want to take him out to visit/look around before making a decision.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Good luck, it is an exciting choice to have!</p>
<p>Maybe I was a weird kid, but my mother moved in my freshman year, and after the initial shock wore off, it was not a big deal. It was a shorter move (midwest to East coast) that actually put her closer to my college, though in either place she was a flight away. I never felt homesick beforehand, so I might have been less attached than most people to begin with. And I spent all of my summers abroad, so where my parents lived didn’t really make a difference.</p>
<p>It’s such an individual thing. What can work well for one family, could be a big issue for another, and it can be a mixed bag for family members. I think a move while kids are in high school is more problematic. That’s where I have seen more problems than good things. In fact, my personal experiences with those I know have not shown the downsides, though i know they are there. A lot of it can be luck too. </p>
<p>My college kids stopped coming home summers after sophomore/junior years and those that came back to this area did so more for job opportunities themselves than to join us as family. That we are in a prime employment area is a reason. I think that if we lived in some small town with few job opportunities, neither of our older kids would be here. My one is employed elsewhere. So it has been with a lot of families I know. </p>
<p>My very close friend did a move similar to OP’s. They had their youngest in high school, and that’s where the issues were with the move. Their older kids later moved to their locale as opportunities arose there as housing and having parents around seemed to be a good deal. They just looked for more jobs there since they had a parental home base there. So they would say, it worked out well, though yes, the youngest had a rough time. </p>
<p>A friend of mine is upset because her DD who has not lived at home for a while and lives hours away, rarely visits is having a hard time with the news that my friend and DH are moving to FL for half the year now that her DH has retired. Tax advantages, weather, and they like the community they found down there. Some of us, a lot of us hate change, so that is often the default reaction.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t do it. We’re in a good location for employment - the DC/Baltimore area. Not only that but my kids are attached to home, community, friends. Once my parents moved when I was in college I didn’t really feel like I had a home to go to. I obviously figured it out on my own, but that’s not really what I want for my kids. There is something nice about knowing as you’re striking out in this world that home is there if you need it.</p>
<p>It depends on your/spouse’s jobs and your happiness with the new/old situations. I think your kid will adapt and may even love the new home, still visit old friends. We’ve moved a bunch of times, and our older kids took the brunt of it. (Our oldest moved twice during high school, and we moved again after his soph. year of college. 2nd kid was a HS senior then, 3rd was a freshman, 4th was 7th grader. Probably harder on them, but for the best in the long run. Waiting until after HS was considerate of you, but in college it doesn’t matter as much. Your D should understand that you need to do what is best for you/spouse.</p>
<p>I love both the West Coast and the East Coast for different reasons. I can live overseas happily too. I grew up moving all the time and my parents moved twice while I was in college and grad school so while I get that kids who have never moved may feel discombobulated, I don’t have that much sympathy. As someone upthread said, they can probably stay with friends. Neither my oldest nor my youngest kid have spent any of their summers past freshman with us and we live near NYC where you might think jobs would be easy to find. The oldest had internships in CA though he went to college in Pittsburgh and the youngest has worked at Tufts over the summer. I know people think traffic in CA is terrible, but I drove in the carpool lane from Pasadena to LAX in no time in the middle of rush hour - far faster than I could have done a similar drive around here. </p>
<p>If the job looks as good as you think and housing costs aren’t out of line with future salaries </p>
<p>sacchi - since you don’t have strong ties to NJ, and you liked your potential new work environment and community - I say go for it. Ask for job search assistance for your H and maybe he can stay in NJ a few months longer than you to ease the transition. If he stays past fall break, maybe your D will feel better about it. </p>
<p>We are doing a similar thing at an even more awkward time. D3 is starting her freshman year, and our house will be packed up and moved right after that. H took a job in a gulf coast state last November, and has been able to come “home” to visit about once a month since then. It hasn’t been easy, but D3 wanted to finish high school with her class and we all made it through.</p>
<p>She knows, as your daughter likely knows, that she has friends she can always stay with here if she wants to come home and visit. She also has a sister about 45 minutes away. She also has a few friends in our new city. Your D must have many friends who live nearby who may even be able to drive her from her college to her old town. She will continue to have ties there for the next three years! Also, some students are a bit disenchanted by their colleges after spending a year, or even a semester, abroad. Their world has expanded and one more year in the same old place isn’t as exciting. Having parents in Cali at that point may really be beneficial. </p>
<p>I can assure you that if your D is offered a great job in California 4 years from now, she isn’t going to refuse it “because mom and dad did it for me.” There may be other good reasons to stay where you are, but your D’s preference is not one of them. If she has friends in the area she stay with them.</p>
<p>I think that staying put when a kid is in HS is not unreasonable, but college is another matter.</p>
<p>Just want to express sympathy knowing that this is a hard choice to make.</p>
<p>We moved when the boys were in high school, over some serious protests from the younger child, and it turned out to be fabulous for the boys. They love it here (much more than where we were) and have a zillion friends and can’t imagine not having lived here.</p>
<p>But now that one is away at college, I really am wanting to downsize into a condo downtown. Neither son is terribly enthused about that plan. I’m holding off, but my absolute latest move is 4.5 years from now because then our adjustable rate mortgage will need to refinanced, and I’m not refinancing it on this way-to-big-for-two-people house.</p>
<p>So, if I’m agonizing about downsizing in the same city because it will be harder for the boys to come home and be totally comfortable, then I can only imagine the angst of moving across the country.</p>
<p>My intellect says GO for it!! My emotional side gets the concern though.</p>
<p>My parents moved from Michigan to Florida my second semester of college. They had just moved from Illinois, where I had lived since I was 10-months old, to Michigan my senior year of high school. That was very hard, but I had come to terms with it. When they then turned around any moved Florida the next year, it was never the same to ‘go home’. I had no friends and really no way to make them when I’d go home for holidays or summers. At least if they had stayed in Michigan, I would have had friends. I really missed having somewhere to ‘go home to’. </p>
<p>By junior year of college, I only went ‘home’ for Christmas. I took summer jobs in my adopted college city. And I stayed there after I graduated. </p>
<p>At the time, I was really bummed my parents moved states, but at least they did give me their address. Lol</p>
<p>They moved for my father’s job. It would have been selfish of me to expect them not to go where he needed to go. Nevertheless, I have felt that ‘loss’ of home and the idea of going ‘back’ where people of all ages know me is very appealing. It’s something I’ve wanted for our kids. As it turns out, one loves having friends, etc to come home to, but the other left home for residential ballet school at age 15 and really has no more friends to come home to than I did. </p>
<p>I recently went back to a high school reunion and fully enjoyed being around all my classmates that I grew up with (even if I didn’t actually graduate with them). I especially enjoyed staying with my girlfriend in her childhood home that I spent a lot of time in growing up. For me, that is as close to ‘coming home’ as I can get. I loved it. </p>
<p>But all that being said, I would think you have earned the opportunity to once again put your employment goals and desires ahead of nostalgic preferences of a college age child. She will make her own way and choose her own places to live and work. Even if she doesn’t understand right now, she will in a very few short years. </p>
<p>Go for it!</p>
<p>It is the rare occasion when son’s vacations coincided with HS friends. He did make an effort to fly across country to attend a S friend’s wedding. During college, he spent time at friend’s homes. He seems to remain close to these friends. I don’t think he would care too much if I moved. Then again, I’m already in FL, so any move would be nearby.</p>
<p>This thread makes me wonder - at which point should a parent prioritize his/her own interests (such as career advancement) over the interests of grown up kids (such as having a reliable babysitter for their own kids a few blocks away)? </p>
<p>My kids are like gnats. They move around (they are college grads). I wouldn’t choose my home based on where they live…and they certainly don’t choose theirs based in where I live.</p>
<p>To the OP…your new cross country home is a vacation opportunity for your daughter! That’s how we view our kid’s home 2500 miles away!</p>
<p>thumper, lol. I wonder where our baby kiddo will eventually land! 
I chatted with the sales guy at a Tommy Bahama store in Maui while I was paying for my purchase. Apparently, he moved to Maui from the mainland when he semi-retired, and he said it was the best thing he did - now his kids beg to come for a visit. ;)</p>
<p>Visiting is great when finances and health of both young adults and elders allow, that’s for sure. </p>
<p>This is a tough one. We once considered moving long distance due to dismal job situations, but honestly unless BOTH spouses have a good offer in hand it would be a tough call. </p>
<p>My perspective, as a grad student currently typing this from my childhood bedroom: To the extent that your concern is that your D will likely wind up living in the NJ area and you don’t want to be so far from her, that’s valid - although, as others have said, there is NO guarantee that she will wind up in the NE anyway. To the extent that you are concerned about your D not being able to spend as much time with her friends if you move, forget about it completely. </p>
<p>Freshman year of college is the time in which you are likely to spend the most time with your HS friends anyway. Even in the later years of college, people start making other plans - trips with college friends, staying on campus for a research opportunity or RA duties, etc. Certainly, once you graduate, the number of friends you have in your hometown will begin to diminish rapidly. While it may be true that many of her college and high school friends will wind up concentrated in the NE, students tend to drastically overestimate how much time they’re all going to be spending together after graduation even if they actually wind up in the same city. In practice, most members of a friend group will not all wind up in close enough proximity for all of them to keep seeing each other routinely. A few might be in the same place, but short of spending some time living as roommates - which usually doesn’t last for more than a couple of years – you quickly get busy with your own jobs, studies, significant others, etc, and the friendship becomes more of a “we got out for drinks every now and then” than a “BFFs in the city” thing.
In short, she’ll be losing something, but not enough to derail your plans over. </p>
<p>In any case, for the short term, it sounds like you’ve already got the perfect compromise. Since Dickinson is too far away to come home on short breaks, she can go back to the hometown and stay with friends then. If you’re coming home for a longer stretch, flying cross-country to get there isn’t really a massive deal, if you can afford it. So I’d say, focus on what is best for you and your husband with a clear conscience. Your D may be upset at first - I would have been, at 19 - but once you’ve had time to discuss it rationally, I don’t think it will be so devastating, and at this point you’re entitled to do what you want. </p>
<p>I would go for the right opportunity. I am in a similar situation, except that I might actually have to sell my house while my D is finishing her senior year of high school. (My S is a rising college junior and was only home for a month this summer–he will be in Asia until school starts in the fall.). </p>
<p>My rationale is that I need to have one more career “push” before retiring in 15 years, and my kids are not likely to move back to the small city where we live. The same issues that make it a difficult job market for me (along with high cost of living) will make it tough for them. Their dad is now in a bigger city five hours away. They will have plenty of places to stay in their hometown whether I am here or not. </p>
<p>My parents moved to another state while I was a college freshman or sophomore. Its been so long I can’t reconsruct it. Their decision was based on my dad’s job transfer with probably little thought to the consequences for the children. I dont think now (and I’m sure I didn’t think then either) that it would have been appropriate for me to have a voice in their decision. I continued to come home for summers, to their new home.</p>
<p>I’d base your decision on your wants and needs. I expect the kids will be fine.</p>