<p>Oh - and when the boyfriend came to visit he stayed in the room which my D said was really awkward. Of course, she was never asked if it was OK.</p>
<p>Zoosermom. wait until your daughter gets there, it may turn out better than how it looks right now, from a distance. </p>
<p>My D was so very exciting the summer before freshman year - her roommate was Indian American, they were both pre-med, similar stats, academic scholarships, and D was thrilled that she was going to be roommates with someone from a totally different culture, she envisioned learning about a new religion, new foods, making new friends, and they could struggle through the more difficult parts of the pre med core together, etc. The two of them navigated and negotiated out the “who is bringing what” scenario, etc., everything was very exciting and positive. </p>
<p>Once on campus, it turned out disastrous. Roommate’s parents lived only a 30 minute drive from campus, and visited constantly, were always in the room. Or the roommate went home for the weekend. Then, the roommate discovered drugs, and boys. D had to get very tough with rules. I believe she managed to frighten her roommate off permanently (as well as all the unwelcome overnight male guests) with her 5:00 a.m. start of day schedule. Athletes are routinely subject to drug testing and my D would not tolerate any sort of substances in the room at all. I found out about it all after the fact - but - sophomore year on, my daughter was very strict about who got to be her roommate.</p>
<p>So your situation could actually turn out to work itself out in reverse. Perhaps your D’s roommate NEEDS the new, happy, exciting, interesting environment of college to find the leverage to get distance from this boyfriend, etc. It could turn out to be terrific…I just think these things must be hard to predict.</p>
<p>Having lived in dorms for 7 yrs (college and grad school) relatively recently, I wanted to weigh in on this. Everyone is right, facebook isn’t real to the extent that people put up strange stuff as inside jokes with friends.</p>
<p>I will say, the fact that the roommate sat in her BF’s lap during orientation speaks volumes about her and the BF. It says a lot about a girl even if she were to sit next to the BF during a new event and only talk with the BF to the exclusion of all other students. Clearly, they want to show off the relationship and she’s putting out a vibe that all she needs is her BF and friendships with females and males don’t matter.</p>
<p>Your D will likely have an ok year with her. They probably won’t be close friends, unless they break up, but D meet friends down the hall, in classes etc. The one thing you should warn D about – she needs to set her boundaries from day 1 about what she will/won’t tolerate; D shouldn’t make herself scarce just because the BF is there all the time and she shouldn’t deal with him sleeping over if she’s uncomfortable with it. The roommate and BF sound totally wrapped up in themselves – if she gives in to them once, they’ll make it a routine and your D will find herself spending too much time in libraries, common rooms, and friends rooms because her roommate/BF have taken over.</p>
<p>Also – if the roommate expresses no interest in planning re: appliances etc., they should get their own stuff. Yes – it is possible to have 2 small fridges and microwaves in the room. My frosh roommate and I did that because we didn’t have enough sense to plan anything and both showed up with duplicative stuff and found that even in our small room, we had room for both fridges/micros etc. (and it was better since she was dirty and I wouldn’t have wanted to share appliances with her).</p>
<p>I agree that a first order of business will be to be territorial enough not to jump away just b/c the couple is there, or they could take over. My parents rented the two bedrooms of their house in a college village, and my Mom said she preferred renting to boys, because they vacated the place and used less heat and hot water. They basically moved in with their girlfriends or hookups in campus dorm rooms. But if she rented to girls, she ended up also housing their boyfriends. She didn’t much care, as there were separate entrances, but she noticed the big difference in the utility bills!</p>
<p>That could mean, if this plays out as you’re thinking, that one of the first things the couple will try to figure out is which is the better room to live in, his or hers. </p>
<p>Boys can sometimes be very fair-minded. If it becomes an issue right away, perhaps she should try to stage a 3-way discussion about it and propose it be a 50-50 thing. While she’ll have company (in the next bed) half the time, she can also look forward to a single half the time. </p>
<p>Boys are direct and fair-minded, in so many cases, even if they miss lots of subtle cues. Imagining a 3-way conversation, I could actually imagine the boy recognizing the fairness of a 50-50 proposal, while a self-absorbed girl could argue with another girl that it’s none of her business, or whatever else she wants to say. </p>
<p>Just a thought to keep in mind. Also, with a 3-person chat, not 2-person, there’s witness to the agreement.</p>
<p>I still hope they both turn out to be okay people. I am not trying to set up more tension in your D’s mind or yours! Just brainstorming.</p>
<p>EDIT: also the RA (resident advisor) is there to help negotiate these kinds of situations, between the two girls or possibly as a 3-way mediation, depending on how
the college wants the RA’s to do their task (rule based, versus negotiate practical solutions despite rules).</p>
<p>At one of my kids’ colleges, the administration’s philosophy was “work with your resident advisor to negotiate a solution” and they tried very hard not to let people move out the first semester because they believed a lot of things could be negotiated with some effort. The other college said that if you’re having a problem, then as soon as you or we can find a spot, you’re free to move out. Each had its merits.</p>
<p>Tell ZG not to worry, as others have stated, she will have a floor of other girls to help her. Check on school policies re the big appliances- some allow only one refrigerator/microwave per room, if so, she will have to decide who brings which and make sure they share (I’ll never forget the roommates who brought refrigerators, uncommon then, that took up space and they never offered to let me use space in them). </p>
<p>Make sure she doesn’t give up any rights to be in her room due to BF’s presence, the couple can leave, she should never feel she is supposed to. If they can’t use the lounge, tough luck; ZG needs access to her own space at all times, not when it is convenient for her roommate. The future roommate sounds unconnected to those around her, it should make for some interesting discussions on the floor… It is a lot easier to ease up on room rules than to try to establish them after habits have formed. I like “be territorial” concept. UW doesn’t try to do roommate matching, they said they found it works just as well using random assignments- no smoking anywhere and people rank their dorm choices.</p>
<p>ZM, probably the best thing you can do now is to prep ZG on the less than ideal living situation she may encounter. Many frosh enter college with stars in their eyes and if reality does not match the vision they have conjered up, they become dissatisfied.</p>
<p>The thing you should tell her is that she may not “bond” with her roomie, that there will be others in her dorm with which she will, that its a learning experience and only temporary, that she will have new roomies who are her friends soph year and that most active students do not spend much time in their room anyway.</p>
<p>Our son never hit it off with his room mate but it didnt bother him in the least. He spent most of his time from 9am to 6 pm in classes/studying/activities. The time from 6pm to bedtime was spent in his room/dorm study lounge/computer center or together with friends living in another dorm. He rarely spent more than a few hours a day in his room during the week(other than sleeping) and even on weekend he seemed to spend relatively few hours there, so few that they never hooked up the tv to the cable outlet.</p>
<p>Once RM’s mom hears about her daughter’s “each bring their own” idea, that may change.</p>
<p>Since ZG is outgoing by nature, she should be fine whether or not she becomes friends with her RM. I would downplay the situation for now and focus on all the positives of college life.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all the replies to this thread, but most people who say “Engaged to…” on their facebook profiles are not actually engaged, it’s just a joke. In fact, people usually say “Engaged to…” with people whom they are not even romantically involved with (ie a best friend or lab partner).</p>
<p>ZG, two things I wanted to mention are that a fridge is not a necessity and that there should be a great opportunity for your daughter to speak her mind right at the beginning of the school year. </p>
<p>Neither my son nor daughter had a fridge in their room and both survived. Daughter just graduated college. She did have access to a full size fridge in the kitchen (dormed 4 years) and I think the kids just labeled their stuff and used it if they didn’t have a mini-fridge. Son and roommate never got their act together to buy one and just did without last year - his first year. Next year he will be in a dorm that has a full kitchen next to his room that he and 11 others will share so I assume he will use that fridge.</p>
<p>As to “sleep-overs” I looked up your daughters college and found this:</p>
<p>"The majority of resident students will share their space with one or more roommates. To ensure privacy and respect for one another, all roommates must draft a roommate contract at the start of each academic term. This contract will provide guidelines for roommates to follow throughout the year, including visitation guidelines. It is expected that residents will not encroach on their roommates’ rights by violating the roommate contract or abusing the visitor privilege. It is important to realize that roommate relations may change during the course of the year and that the option for renegotiating the original contract always exists. </p>
<p>Residence-life staff members are available to help residents formulate roommate contracts, and to mediate issues that may arise during the year. Students are encouraged to seek out these resources when needed in order to address concerns prior to requesting a room change." </p>
<p>I wonder if your daughter’s roommate was just not thinking of appliances when she said they should each bring their own? Perhaps she was thinking of decorating - and just wasn’t into that?</p>
<p>Did not read through all of the replies, but 2 of everything is normally not allowed anyway (normally, it is one fridge, and one microwave/room. Some schools do not even allow microwaves in the room, and others require a microfridge. Also there are usually size restrictions etc. on these appliances).</p>
<p>Thanks Kathiep! I hadn’t seen that part about the contract. What a great idea. I’m going to gell ZG to think about that.</p>