Moving in with boyfriend?

Parent Cafe
61

D1 just recently moved in with her BF. They have been dating for 5+ years and plan on getting engaged in the near future. I am not a fan of living together. D1 knew how I felt, so she did talk it over with me first. It took her a year to get me to “understand the rationale,” but one day to break the news to my mother. My ma said, “Oh, that’s a good way to find out if you are compatible before you get married.” D1 told me her BF’s parents are not as onboard with them moving in together. They would prefer if D1 and their son just got married.

She originally was looking for an apartment to buy, but decided to rent because she was in flux with her job. She asked me if she should have her BF on the lease or on the deed. I told her if she were to buy, she should buy it herself, and if she were to rent then both of them should be on the lease. Prior to moving in, they discussed about their finances, how they were going to pay for things together, and responsibilities around the home. Both of them have very demanding jobs, neither one should end up doing more work around the apartment than the other person. They are going to have to make some compromises.

Exactly. There is always tension when a couple is not having sex for whatever reason (as most married people would know). So why make it even more tense by living with each other? IMO, getting married in order to have sex with someone is the reason I never told my girls to wait to have sex with someone they love.

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I also know people who lie about sex before marriage. Very few, but a few nonetheless. But, I also know that my BIL and his fiance legitimately aren’t having sex. I know because it’s bugging my BIL. (Hence a very quick engagement followed by a rather quick upcoming marriage.)


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and that doesn’t make him a “hornball.” It just means he’s rather normal. He’s living with his fiancée and wants to have sex with her. (I am shocked!! :wink: )

The situation is “bugging” your BIL (as it would many/most healthy people), hence the BIL was motivated to pop the question and request a short engagement.

63

I have to agree that it would be an extremely frustrating experience for me to be living with someone I had intense feelings for yet could not share my bed with him. I get that some people choose to abstain for religious reasons before marriage but then why live together before marriage? That would be a stressful living arrangement for me.

After reading some of the follow up posts from the OP I am thinking that the reason might be financial. It would cut down on the commute and since she is paying for college, the shared rent would help her out financially. And all that makes sense so long as both of them can handle living together and abstaining.

64

Just to be clear, while it is bugging my BIL it is in no way a strain on their relationship. We all have things in our relationship that bug us. His love and respect for his fiance trumps whatever discomfort he feels.

For them it is financial. It is much cheaper to live together because they work near each other, away from families.

65

D1 lived with a roommate for 4+ years to cut down on expenses. You do not need to live with a BF to do that. OP can find a friend at her new school to share an apartment with. She may be able to find an apartment closer to her school by sharing it with a classmate.

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@romanigypsyeyes It may not be a strain on their relationship because he’s figured out a way to put a quick end to the “bugging” situation…propose and have a short engagement.

However, if his fiancee were to have said, “no, let’s get married in 2 years, but still live together chastely,” it is more likely that the relationship would become strained.

Yes, there are always things that “bug” us in relationships. However, very-long-term celibacy while living with a romantic partner (when both are physically able to have sex) would strain many/most relationships.

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There are 4 parties: BF, BF’s parent(s), GF, GF’s parent(s). It is pretty hard for all to be on the same page. If some of them have a different view on this, how can they reconcile with each other - especially when some may have a very strong opinion on this? The choices can be: do not let them know about it (This could not be easy sometimes), disregard his/her opinion (“I am an adult now and I can make my own decision.”) Sometimes, GF, without knowing the parents of her BF much, may not be comfortable to let them know about their living arrangement, or BF does not want GF’s parent(s) to know this due to the same reason. It could be complicated.

It seems to me that it takes much longer for the young generation from dating to marriage these days.

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There are only two parties who need to be on the same page when they are self-supporting adults - the two partners. As a parent, I can support my kid’s decision. The day they moved in I gave them a card with a check made out to both of them as a house warming present. I would never want my kid to hide this from me, and I also want to be invited to her apartment.

69

DS and his GF are not self-supporting yet. But they are not that young. It seems his GF may still have some need to be not totally truthful to her parents. When she is on a video-chat with her parents from her dorm room, she would ask DS to be not seen by her parents. They have met each other face-to-face so they know each other. “The boy shall not be in girl’s room.” This is the rule, I think.

70

There are just too many stereotypes on this thread. I can’t speak for guys who are not having sex, but I can speak for myself. No, it hasn’t caused me to rush into marriage or marry young - I would not screw up my life by marrying the wrong person or someone I don’t know well. If both parties are on board with clear expectations, you can live together. There a lot of reasons to live together that are not sex-related. I am not Uber-religious/conservative - I strongly believe in women being independent, women’s rights, and I would not be OK with the old system of men being the head of the family, etc.

You can have your experiences, and that’s fine. Maybe you would rush into marriage. Maybe you would rather not live together, but that’s only hypothetical. I actually have made the choice, and many things said here are categorically not true for me.

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Get a new one…

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My son’s g/f has lived with him most of the year, as her second postdoc does not start for another 2 months. I suspect he has been supporting her. I don’t ask. The important thing is that they have really learned about each other. Dating for years, especially when a long distance relationship, cannot teach one about the other’s habits.

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Re: “I suspect he has been supporting here. I don’t ask.”

I do not think there is anything wrong with this. But then I read something new about “dating prenup”. How unromantic!

In today’s brave new world of dating, mating, and personal finance, couples who are moving in together may well be considering a “dating prenup.” What is that, you ask? Well, I’ve never heard of the term either, until I started Googling. A prenuptial agreement is a legal document that spells out what happens to a couple’s assets and liabilities in the event of death or divorce. A dating prenup is like a prenup for unmarried couples who move in together (and thus have none of the protection or guidelines offered to married people), providing terms and guidelines for a host of issues surrounding a breakup.

There might be some cohabitation in the not-so-far off future, and while CB and I have casually discussed the financial mechanisms of such a move, we haven’t really drilled down to the nitty-gritty. Despite a penchant for all things personal finance, I don’t particularly want to make everything out to be so, well, contractual. In other words, we both agree that if we make different salaries, it’s fairer to divide the rent according to percentage of total income instead of 50-50. But we don’t (nor do we plan to – I hope) expect the one person to reimburse the other for a gallon of water that was not equally consumed.

When I typed in “moving in together finances” into Google, however, most of the websites that popped up mentioned the importance of a moving-in-together contract. There are many names for this phenomenon: dating prenup, cohabitation contract, written agreement, pre-prenups, live-in contract, etc. I think prenups are generally a good idea (especially for community property states), but I’m surprisingly lukewarm to the prospect of drafting and signing a live-in contract with CB.

According to Kiplinger, though, I’m letting my heart rule over my head. Kiplinger says that it’s essential to put your arrangement in writing:

This little piece of paper can help you keep your trial of domestic bliss from becoming a nightmare. In it, you should detail how much each partner will pay for rent, who will cover what household expenses, when bills are due, and other space-sharing arrangements.

The article even helpfully provides a sample cohabitation agreement. AOL Personals shares horror stories of couples who didn’t have a cohabitation agreement and ended up fighting over a pen. NY Post reports that more NYC couples are signing dating prenups. In addition to the more mundane financial aspects of living together, these pre-prenups can also set the terms of pet ownership / visitation after a breakup, expectations for graduate school support, even who pays for a termination of pregnancy, etc. A recent CBS News did a segment on this trend, featuring a real life couple who has a dating prenup.

As sensible as these dating prenups seem though, I just can’t muster much enthusiasm for them. Part of the reason is because CB and I don’t have combined finances (unless you count our joint savings account for Galapagos), and we have no plans to enter into major asset purchases before we are married. We are both fairly financially-responsible. We have been in a committed relationship for a long time.

Part of the reason is good old-fashioned optimist: I don’t think we will break up, though of course there are no guarantees. Or, if we do, I harbor the hope that in the event that we break up after we move in together, we will both behave with grace, dignity, and respect for each other. But I understand the prudence of a cohabitation agreement for couples who do have significant assets together, or if one partner would be giving up a job to move in with the other person.

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I wish I had enough money/assets/etc when I was in college to merit a “dating pre-nup” when I started living with my then-boyfriend :smiley:

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There may not be much assets. But for some couples, there is something called student loans. Shall a new couple at least have a frank talk about their student loans debt? Or, should they reach the consensus that each individual will be responsible for paying back his/her own student loans?

We have not asked our S this question (and we probably should not because it is not our business.) We only know how much he is indebted and I think it may not be “fair” if she will also be asked to help paying back his debt.

A coworker of mine said one of his DILs owed more than 200K for her (UG and grad school) student loans while his S owed nothing. But he said he did not “complain” because it was not his business.

76

moving together in just 2 months dating seems to be way too early. But, again, it is just my opinion. Some people are not ready even after several years. One have to be absolutely ready to do so. How it is possible to know person that well in just 2 months to move in together? This is the only concern that I would have.

77

Define “more” financially independent. You’re either financially independent, or you’re not.

It’s called “living together” when you’re “making a living” and have to deal with the financial pressures of living. If you’re both being supported by parents, then you’re fooling yourself if you think shacking up without financial accountabilities is reflective of real life.

I do see time-savings & social & maturity-development advantages to you living on campus, or near campus. If you want to live away from home, then don’t just split the distance between your BF’s college and yours.

78

But what about the many kids who go away to college, get involved in a relationship, and eventually end up living with their SO off-campus? Isn’t that “living together” even though they’re not financially independent?

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Did anyone notice that this was a thread from 2015? This was bumped up by a new and rude poster. Looks like the OP was scared away from CC. She hasn’t posted on here since last June! Now we’ll never know what she decided to do. http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/profile/EmBio02