My father just had a stroke. Everything’s still a blur right now, but what I’m getting is, he’ll eventually recover, but he’s not going to walk or drive for a while. He lives alone, which isn’t really workable, now. My sister and I both live in the same city as our father, but she always takes care of everything, and we’ve mutually agreed it’s my turn this time. Especially since I have unresolveable issues with my new roommate. I’ll be moving in with him for the forseeable future, and focusing just on graduate school and taking care of him. Luckily, we live in the same city, so I can still commute to school for his place, though I won’t be able to take public transit anymore. Since I don’t own a car and he can’t drive, he’s lending me his car for the forseeable future.
I’m just at a loss. I wasn’t able to be around for my grandmother’s or mother’s strokes. My mom can give her advice, but her stroke was different from what I’m hearing, and she lives in Texas and I in California, so she can’t materially help. My grandmother would have known what to do, as she did in literally every situation, but she’s no longer with us. So it’s down to me, my sister, and my brother in law. I know I need to do the bulk of driving him around, though my sister and brother-in-law will help if I’m at school (my dad will not forgive anyone involved if I drop out of graduate school over this, because of course he won’t), but other than that, I have no idea how to take care of him. Or what it’s going to be like moving into an apartment with little privacy when I’m almost 30. Or if I can take a summer internship now.
So sorry that you have to deal with this. My only advice is as overwhelming as it sounds try to take it one step at a time. Also see if his insurance will pay for any outside assistance.
First, I’m very sorry about your father, and about you and your plans. It sounds like this may throw a wrench into some of your plans, but it also sounds like everyone is on board with making it work.
You need a lot more information than you have right now, especially about how your father is. Can he talk? Can he feed himself? Dress himself? Does he have specific deficits? Will he be receiving therapy to recover at home?? Will he need to go to a facility to receive the therapy?
But with the use of his car and your other relatives nearby, and your father eager to have you continue in grad school, it sounds like this will work out. You don’t know everything right now – you may not even know anything right now – but over the next few days and weeks, it will become clear what has to happen and how it will happen.
Schedule as much help as you can afford - cleaning, grocery shopping, meals being brought in. If your sister can make one meal a week (and stretch it to 2 meals), take her up on it. Pick a day and stick with it. If there are things you know he’ll need like a haircut once a month, plan that out too.
If someone says “Let me know if you need help” say “Thank you!!! How about taking Dad to PT next week?”
I have a friend whose father has been on in-home hospice for more than a year. Her sister works from his home, another sister comes on Wednesdays and stays for the day and cooks a big meal for them all. My friend does weekends and a lot of the paperwork, and she walks the dog every morning and night (she lives next door). Another sister and grandchildren do what they can. They have visiting nurses to give him a shower and shave once a week. If someone offers a meal or to run an errand, they accept.
So sorry to hear of this problem. My father had a stroke at a youngish age (late 50s) while living alone and had other medical problems that turned out to be ALS soon afterwards. I didn’t live in the area, and he relied on a combo of hired nurses aides, helpful neighbors and friends, and sheer willpower to get through that time. Later, he came to live with us, even though it meant breaking ties to his lifelong home.
Based on that experience, here’s my advice: take all the help that’s offered and don’t be shy about asking for assistance. Be specific: ask for someone to offer a ride to the doctor or to sit with him while you’re at school.
Have as many aides as you can afford/insurance will cover early in the morning to handle grooming/bathing/etc. Our community had a service that matched senior citizens looking for light work to be companions to the elderly/disabled - they didn’t do any nursing work, but were there to be helpful and provide social contact. That might work for a couple hours during the day while you’re busy.
Make sure your advisor is aware of the situation and perhaps you can work out an adjustment for your expectations at school for a few months until things stabilize.
Get a good night’s sleep. We tried to economize on night-time aides, because often my dad would sleep through and we were just paying for someone to nap. But other nights he was restless and then we had to work a full day with little to no sleep. Depending on circumstances, you might want to consider hiring someone one night a week so you can catch up on sleep without feeling guilty about it.
Taking the long view, I think you’ll ultimately be happy that you prioritized family over internship. (In the short term, probably you’ll have many moments where you question your decision!) Be sure to get the support you need as you travel through this chapter of life.
Sorry for your family’s situation. I’d suggest checking with hospital’s care coordinator or social worker for advice and resources. The ones at our local hospital have also helped my family navigate / verify insurance issues for my mother’s care.
Seconding the advice to make sure your advisor knows.
And I say these two things a lot: It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Be very good to yourself.
Meals on Wheels or a similar program may deliver hot no or low cost meals and provide social interaction for your dad for some days. Is there a discharge nurse you or your sister can talk to about such services (or local dept of health office on aging).
My husband had a stroke in January, and although he can walk and talk, it’s a full time job taking care of him. He has outpatient therapy, for which there is homework (exercises to do at home), that I have to help him with. There are so many doctor follow up appointments that we have something on the calendar every day M-F. He can’t drive, because he lost his left peripheral vision, which also means routine task at home are affected, like buttoning his shirt. I monitor all his activities at home so he stays safe. I personally don’t see how you can care for him and go to graduate school. It really sounds like he needs to go to rehab or to a skilled nursing facility that has rehab, until he establishes more independence.
Also, what I learned is that the hospital tests for mobility, speech, and loss of sensation, but they don’t assess cognitive skills. So even though I sat in the hospital with him for 11 days, I was shocked by his inability to do simple tasks, like understanding he needed to get off the elevator when my daughter and I got off (the doors closed, but we manage to get them open before the elevator left), or when I opened the door for him to enter the building, that he should walk through it.
Be prepared to find out that he has more needs than the hospital noted.
Also the first three months, even the first month, are critical for reprogramming the brain. The stroke patient gets very tired because their brain is working so hard. But you have to challenge them to keep doing tasks to help the brain return to normal. Not sure how motivated your dad will be. In my case, it’s a constant struggle to use every minute wisely, but it has paid off. So keep that in mind.
I agree that your dad needs an accurate evaluation and discharge to a rehab hospital or similar to get his functioning as high as possible for his sake and future health. It’s best done by professionals and then the professionals can train others to help at home. The discharge nurse and/or social worker needs to know he lives alone and needs to get as high functioning as possible, like he was prior to admission.
I am so very sorry that this has happened to your family.
My dad had a massive stroke when I was in high school. He was left permanently profoundly physically and intellectually disabled. It has been 33 years since we went through that. How can I help? What questions do you have?
It’s wonderful that you and your family can help your dad.
If he is still in the hospital, make sure you get all the orders for therapies and the like done before discharge. If this has a,ready happened, then find out what the discharge plan is. Usually it’s pretty clear.
How old is your dad? If he is a senior, the council on aging can be a lot of help.
Does he have insurance that will pay for some in home services? Some do.
Visiting Nurses in your town might be helpful as well.
Breath. It’s going to be tough but you’ll be fine. With a strong family history of strokes, try to keep a healthy lifestyle yourself. Knowledge that you are doing the right thing, should be your source of strength. Take it one day at a time, use all the help you can get from family, neighbors, his friends, your friends, health insurance, church or whomever, even if it’s just a word of comfort or real offer to help out. Being a caregiver will give you challenges and you’ll learn to figure out solutions to tackle those challenges.
My mom has had three strokes. Her losses and recovery were different for each. When you have the full picture from his doctors and the hospital social worker, a plan can be formulated, probably involving physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc. Make sure they know what his living situation will be and what he needs to be able to do to return home safely. (For example, I needed my mom to walk up two steps with assistance to get into my house. PT worked on that in the rehab center until she was discharged.) Try to take it one day at a time. Your dad is so fortunate to have the love and support of you and your sister.
I am so sorry this happened. My mother had a series of health emergencies over the last thirty years and I was the one who rushed to her side to help. My advice is to be there, be with him, pay attention to how he is doing and feeling, and listen and ask questions of his doctors, caregivers, and physical therapists. The situation is new, be there and learn. The next steps will become clear. Take it one day at a time at first.
Do reach out for help. Others have listed great sources like church, social workers, friends. People want to help. I say yes to every casserole offered.
You say you are a student. Would it help to talk to your grad adviser on getting extensions for assignments? Taking a semester off until the crisis is past? I don’t think you’ll have to drop out, but you might need a little help getting through these early days.
Thanks for all the advice and well wishes. I think I just need to calm down, now. The nurses are talking about when he’ll walk and drive again, not if, and he can talk with only slight slurring that they think will go away. I don’t know what the therapy and treatment plan is yet, and it’s still up in the air what he’ll need help with, but everyone at the hospital seems to think the long term prognosis is good. So I just need to hold on to that. He’s only 56, he still has a long time ahead of him. Though it is scary, because my mom was 48 when she had hers, and my sister and I both have high blood pressure.
He has health insurance, but I don’t know what all it covers, or how good, just that it’s Kaiser. Luckily, money is one thing that isn’t an issue. Grandma left behind a lot of money when she passed, especially via real estate, and my dad’s pretty spendthrift. Also, I’m on a month to month in my place, so I don’t have to break a lease and deal with financial penalties.
I totally forgot my uncle was my grandmother’s caretaker after her stroke. He’s not in the same city as us, but he still lives in the area. He knows what to do, and he’s willing to help out, too. Between me, my sister and her husband, and my uncle, and my mother being able to give advice from her stroke, it should be okay. This, unfortunately, far from uncharted territory for the family.
In your first thread, you said “It’s down to me, my sister and my brother-in-law.” In your last thread, you said "Between me, my sister and her husband, and my uncle, and my mother . . . " So you’re already figuring things out and they are better than they first appeared.
It sounds like your father will recuperate. As everyone here has said, take advantage of all the things that are available to you. Don’t be shy about asking for assistance wherever you need it.
A couple of thoughts for the longer term. When your father is at a point where it’s appropriate for him to make these decisions, I’d encourage him to make sure releases are in order with medical staff and insurance company. Also powers of attorney for healthcare and finances, advance directives (living will, etc.).