My 8th Grader is a Bully

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My Eighth grade son has gotten in to some bullying behavior with his friends. It seems out of character for him, he is generally a nice, plesant kid. Howerver, they think cruel behavior is funny. The teachers have said they also pick on each other. Without getting into all the details, it seems like he dosen’t “get” the fine line between what other people do and what they do. (saying someone’s name in a funny way, teasing underdogs etc.)</p>

<p>Any stratigies, suggestions or reading material? </p>

<p>I would also love for him to read something from the other person’s perspective. Ideas?</p>

2

<p>Your son needs to understand that bullying can cause lifelong pain for the victims. </p>

<p>Explain to him about humility and empathy…which bullies often lack.</p>

3

<p>Pack behavior.
Maybe steer him to new friends through sport like skateboarding or music like playing guitar or volunteering at a community center.</p>

4

<p>There is a weird disconnect that seems to happen to kids at around this age. They are horrified and indignant when others are “mean” to them, yet they are completely oblivious to their own meanness towards others, and will act shocked and hurt if you call them on it.</p>

<p>My only suggestion is to punish him each and every time you become aware of his bullying behavior. Hopefully, it will heighten his awareness of what he is doing to others.</p>

5

<p>[Stop</a> School Bullying–Resources](<a href=“http://www.kzoo.edu/psych/stop_bullying/resources/websites.html]Stop”>Stop School Bullying--Resources)
This has some resources you might try. Also [National</a> Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center](<a href=“http://www.safeyouth.org%5DNational”>http://www.safeyouth.org).</p>

<p>I would also talk to his pediatrician. Nowadays, he or she may have some resources for you.</p>

6

<p>I haven’t had this problem- although my older daughter had some issues with one or two kids in middle school-
I am going to suggest this book- that I also recommended to a parent who was having trouble with her senior in high school
[What</a> is Real Love? - Unconditional Love](<a href=“http://www.reallove.com/about.asp]What”>http://www.reallove.com/about.asp)
It really helped broaden my perspective and focus and that lessened my stress in tense situations.</p>

<p>This also should have some help for you.
I think bullying is how some people deal with stress- doesn’t make it right- but it will help your son to get some different tools.

[Center</a> for Safe Schools](<a href=“http://www.safeschools.info/]Center”>http://www.safeschools.info/)</p>

7

<p>He needs to be deprived from something that he really cares about for every instance of such behavior. He is depriving others of their dignity, so he needs to understnad how they feel. If he does not care deeply for anything, I do not know how to correct it. I do not believe in words too much. Talking the talk is just that, walking the walk is a very different story.</p>

8

<p>I am really, really touched by your post. Some parents have a hard time admitting when their children are behaving badly and will chalk it up to “kids being kids”. The fact that you want to do something to make him stop, is amazing. You must be a truly wonderful parent.</p>

<p>I was bullied mercilessly throughout middle school and the parents of my tormentors denied anything could be done as it was just “girls being girls” and that I was the one being sensitive. Yeah girls purposefully pushing my books down out of my arms and excluding me from lunch and spreading slanderous rumors is totally something that nice girls normally do. </p>

<p>Anyways I commend your recognition of his behavior and desire to stop it. I am so happy that there are people out there who refuse to allow this behavior to continue among younger kids.</p>

9

<p>Do this today. Separate him from his bullying friends and get him into an activity where he has to help people – hopefully, smaller, weaker kids. Maybe volunteering at the church nursery, helping out at a local pet shelter, reading to kids at a library summer program, walking kids to and from the playground for a local daycare. Heck even mowing lawns and weeding flower beds for old people in the neighborhood. It doesn’t have to be volunteer, but it has to be something that has a primary purpose of helping someone else. The best way to learn empathy is to live empathy. It also would help for him to see you and your husband in helping roles. If you volunteer take him with you, get him involved. </p>

<p>Don’t tell him he can’t see those friends, just replace them with more positive activities. With it being summer this is the perfect time to tell him “you are growing up, it is time for you to pitch in to help out around here, weather here is your home, you neighbor hood or you community.”</p>

<p>Don’t punish him, that just reinforces the idea that might makes right – you want to him to learn the lesson that might must do right.</p>

10

<p>It may not end overnight, but the fact that you care so much will lead him towards quick improvement. You are making this a priority - I bet the outcome will be good. </p>

<p>I would tell him some truths…</p>

<p>Kids genuinely dislike kids who joke in a mean way. They will not reveal that. They may laugh along, but really it is because they are afraid the bully will then target them. So even if everyone is going along with you, if you joke in a mean way every listener is hating you - secretly - behind your back.</p>

<p>When kids who are stuck being friends with mean-jokers get the chance to escape and be friends with someone who actually is fun, and makes them feel good about themselves, they’re gone and don’t look back.</p>

<p>When people hear you bad mouth others behind their back, it also makes them secretly despise you because they instantly imagine that you probably do the same to them when they are not around.</p>

<p>People who get in with others, who join groups, or cement friendships where a lot of mean joking is mixed in, are doomed to social failures. Those friendships will not last, like houses built on sand. They are fake and false, since no one in that group feels good or secure. Friendships that nuture people last. Friendships that are based on being mean to others are toxic and lead to loneliness.</p>

<p>The kids in junior high who are mean get put up with a lot. Kids are so insecure that they laugh with them. These same kids become generally despised in high school, when the kids who have been nicer all along emerge as the real leaders. </p>

<p>There is quite a difference between popularity and prominence. A lot of time the kids who think they are popular are really only prominent. They stand out, and not usually for something good. The popular kids are those who are genuinely liked because they are kind and compassionate. Funny in a nice way. </p>

<p>People you are mean to in eighth grade will remember what you did, and how you made them feel. They will remember the rest of their lives. Even at forty, fifty, or seventy! Some of them might be happy to undermine you in the future, in your career perhaps. At a country club. Somewhere online. NO ONE needs enemies.</p>

11

<p>I really think you have to get your kid to a place where he feels secure enough to listen to anyof this stuff.
Middle school is awful. So much social/emotional/physical stuff going on and then academic too.
Telling him it is wrong- is a waste of time.
I am sure he knows that.
But finding out what is going on for him with his " friends", and helping him find a way to connect positively with who he is bullying- I bet that he already feels connected to them in some way & that is why he is trying to distance himself from them.</p>

12

<p>Kudos to you for seeing that your S is tending in this direction and being willing to act on it. So many do not.</p>

13

<p>spideygirl - I really liked your use of popularity vs prominence. Our 8th gr D has often noted that the “popular” kids are feared more than they liked. I can now give her a better word to define that group.</p>

14

<p>When D1 was in 6th grade, I was shocked when a mother called me to let me know D1 was been mean to her daughter on the bus. In speaking with D1i knew she was misbehaving. Initially D1 defended her actions and claimed the other student was being too sensitive. I then asked D1 to put herself in the other girl’s place to see if she would have liked to be treated like that.</p>

15

<p>spideygirl - Excellent post.</p>

16

<p>You can also search for videos on youtube from various news reports that report that kids who have been the targets/victims of bullying recently have committed suicide. This is a terribly serious problem. Sure, many young kids think its funny, but if and when your son realizes how deadly it can be, I would hope that with your good parenting, he will sober up and quit this awful behavior.</p>

17

<p>Thanks for the suggestions and comments. I like the youtube news videos idea. We have talked about kids commiting suicide, but I want something to hit home. There have only been a few “incidents” but I have noticed that he is not as able to pick up on social cues. For example, he tries to be funny with me, but dosen’t notice that I am annoyed. His friends are laughing, but I think somewhat in embarrasement. I’m not sure how to teach that skill. I also know that a couple of his friends are part of the problem. He dosen’t really see them outside of school, but it’s hard to control who they hang with at school. There was a problem last year where they all did this annoying thing to each other, but one of the kids kept asking S to quit. He didn’t quit and the mom had to call me – but they were friends and S just didn’t seem to “get it.” I really think it is a combination of trying to “up” his status and just being a little unaware of others feelings. (I am not excusing anything, it is just a little more complicated than straight bullying.)</p>

18

<p>Hang in there, sureof, and there are some terrific suggestions here. We found that the bullies’ parents were either clueless or not willing to take the steps necessary to stop it…no backbone. You’re obviously not one of those and sounds like you’ll get to the bottom of it.</p>

19

<p>You have had some great suggestions here, but I would like to add a very little one that you can use right away. I am a teacher and I know that kids often turn off after 10 words. They just don’t hear us. One phrase that, repeated whenever there is “joking” behavior, works and I hear repeated by students later is “It’s not a joke unless EVERYONE is laughing.” When he starts “joking” with you, point out that you are not laughing, therefore, whatever he thinks he is doing is not a joke. Just say it. No lecture, just bringing the action to light.</p>

20

<p>"My Eighth grade son has gotten in to some bullying behavior with his friends. It seems out of character for him, he is generally a nice, plesant kid. Howerver, they think cruel behavior is funny. The teachers have said they also pick on each other. Without getting into all the details, it seems like he dosen’t “get” the fine line between what other people do and what they do. (saying someone’s name in a funny way, teasing underdogs etc.)</p>

<p>Any stratigies, suggestions or reading material?</p>

<p>I would also love for him to read something from the other person’s perspective. Ideas? "</p>

<p>Try to explain to your son that bullying causes LIFE LONG psychological pain to its victims. Make your son read news articles about kids who have killed themselves after being mercilessly bullied. Additionally, tell your son that you talked to some random 20-something guy on the internet who claimed to have been mercilessly bullied throughout high school and still endures the psychological pain caused by bullying.</p>

<p>It’s none of my business, but I think it’s all your fault for failing to teach your son empathy and compassion. If you did teach him those things but he didn’t learn them it’s still your fault for not taking him to see a psychologist.</p>