Keep a paper trail. I’d keep closing the blinds because I wouldn’t want them to see anything in my house, knowing her tendency to snoop. I like powercropper’s suggestion to have an elevator speech to use every time the subject comes up, including suggesting that they buy blackout curtains. I can’t believe your dh didn’t say that!
Personally, I’d be feeling a little harassed at this point and would tell her so and that if it continues that I would be calling the authorities, but I’m glad that you are not feeling harassed.
@fireanddrain - you poor thing! The more you try to accommodate, the more they want. I think it is time to tell your neighbors that they are now down to two choices. A) keep Mother in the same room or B) Move Mother to a different room. The choice is hers.
You have the right to turn your kitchen lights on. I would suggest that you install a very tall fence, but you’d probably hear complaints that the fence blocks the light!
Ugh…I can sympathize . Our neighborhood has a couple like this and they are not liked by anyone. We have an annual Christmas party and they often come up in conversation…they are invited , but always decline. For years, they were friends with another couple on the street , but that friendship fell apart. Very odd couple and control is something they want and fail to achieve
Shortly after my next door neighbor moved in I went to a party where I was introduced to the woman who lived in the house next to the one my new neighbor had moved from. The first thing she said to me was “You’re X’s new neighbor? I’m so sorry!” We both laughed, knowing what a persistently unpleasant person the neighbor is.
@fireandrain, I would put my response into a single kindly worded but firm letter and send it to her, keeping a copy for your records. If she were ever to sue you or involve the police you’d have a paper trail you could offer as evidence. After that just stick to your short script. “I’m so sorry your mother is sensitive to light. We need to be able to turn our lights on at night but I’ve heard blackout curtains are very effective.” Don’t vary from this script by a word and at some point she’ll at least have to give up on engaging you in conversation about the problem. Don’t answer her letters. Ignore her knocks. Don’t retaliate. What can she do? There’s nothing in the law that says you have to answer your door or or phone or respond to her letters and if she goes beyond that you have every right to contact the authorities.
Yes. What Sue22 said. Do not accept her offers to pay for anything and do not offer to pay for any “improvements” to their house. I would not worry about a lawsuit. What is she going to state in her claim? Nuisance? It is not that easy to prove, and I bet any attorney who is going to take this case would be a total nut.
One doesn’t need an attorney to sue someone and unfortunately pro se lawsuit are difficult to defend against as judges tend to give the benefit of the doubt to the pro se plaintiff. Plus, most homeowners insurers will not defend a nuisance suit against the insured. If you think it may escalate to litigation I suggest that you see if there is any community based mediation programs available. These programs are often availale at little or no cost.
Geez, no one here says that a lawsuit is imminent! This is not even at the stage where mediation is necessary. If you have to live your live in fear that some nutty person is going to sue you, that would be a terrible way to live.
I’ll discuss with my husband whether we want to put anything in writing. So far I’m OK with just ignoring her requests. I’m not going to refuse to open the door when she comes by, because I don’t want to anger her (if she can tell I’m home, I see no point in refusing to come to the door).
My husband, who has spoken to her twice now, says the daughter seems to be acting from desperation – as I said, her mother is probably driving her crazy. It’s very possible the mom nixes every rational idea to solve the problem and is just fixating on the horrible neighbors (us).
I suppose I’m too optimistic about human nature, because it never occurred to me that this could end up as a lawsuit. Perhaps that’s what I’ll discuss with fellow neighbors who’ve been on the street for years and know them, whether they’ve ever hired a lawyer or threatened to sue.
Agree with person who said the motion detector could be more disturbing than a constant light – husband said he thought he woke her again last night when it turned on the light in his office (again, two floors higher than her bedroom). We’ve got two lights back in our backyard – we might turn the one closer to her into a motion detector and leave the other one as is. We’re redoing our backyard right now, and figuring out lighting is one of the things I’ll be addressing – but on my own time. We had a motion detector light in our old house, and it drove me crazy because it always turned off too soon, and I found myself having to walk over to it and wave my hands constantly to keep it on.
The only time I do a lot of late-night cooking is apple season – and unfortunately that’s just around the corner. I’m not going to stop making apple pies, applesauce and apple kugel at 1 am if I need to.
I just don’t understand this thread at all. As someone who has had at least 50 different neighbors in 3 different countries over the past five decades, I’ve experienced a wide range of neighbors. I grew up watching Mr. Rogers. I’ve always tried to be a good neighbor. This has sometimes meant bending over backwards to accommodate a neighbor rather than “exercising my rights” or “keeping records in case there is a lawsuit,” but each time without exception it has resulted in good relationships.
We once had a young couple next door who frequently had loud parties on their side porch, which directly faced our bedroom. It was a real problem for us because my W was on call for 24 hour shifts at the time. I talked to the neighbor wife and a few of her friends one day. They were totally dismissive. Later, while out doing yard work, I talked to the husband. He was distraught. He hated those parties. He felt he had to go along with his wife. I didn’t call the police, the parties moved over to the other side of the house, and within a year they stopped when they had a child. Funny thing was, about ten years later we were passing through that city, stopped to eat at a local restaurant, and they were eating at a table 3 tables away from us. I thought to myself, “I hope they don’t see us!” She came over with her child to show us how much he had grown, said she really missed having us as neighbors, and seemed genuinely happy to have run in to us.
My point is, why not put your rights on the back burner and concentrate on their needs. This is a simple issue. There is a desperate daughter. There is an elderly woman with an extreme sensitivity to light. Why not invite both of them over for a cup of coffee, and just be, well, neighborly? Since you are redoing your backyard anyway, why not ask if you can go into the room and see how the light is falling at night? It truly may be something as simple as changing the angle of a light. But you’ll never know unless you talk about it.
I feel badly for the daughter. She is isolated by the neighbors, and responsible for a mother who has some specific, extreme needs. You could make a real difference in her life by opening up to her, rather than ignoring her. And you might make a new friend in the process.
MidwestDad, I feel like their requests are unreasonable. I can’t “change the angle” of the lights in my house – these aren’t adjustable lights. I’m not going to stop using rooms in my house at night to make her happy. I’m not going to redecorate my house for her. I also don’t feel safe going into her house – sorry, but my strong instinct is to not go into her house. We moved into the neighborhood and they weren’t welcoming from day one.
Some people here suggested I call a lawyer, file a complaint of harassment, accuse her of trespassing, refuse to acknowledge her if she rings the doorbell – I’m not doing any of that. I’ve already done several things to accommodate them, I just have my limits.
Agree too early for any of that. But you have gotten plenty of suggestions on these 8 pages so what do you think a reasonable approach might be @fireandrain?
No, it is not a simple issue. The OP made accomodations for the first demand, and now the neighbors have added two more demands. If the OP continues to make changes, the neighbors will continue to increase their demands. Since the neighbors are unwilling to do anything on their end to resolve the issue ( black out curtains), it’s clear this is about control, not the light.
You don’t have to do anything. You have other, more reasonable neighbors who sound like they will back you up and be a witness on your behalf if anything ever went as far as police/lawsuits. You memorize your pat response and repeat it each time daughter comes over.
If you want to go beyond the pat answer you decide on, you could add something that asks what THEY are doing to minimize the light on their end. “What have you tried to do in your mother’s room to minimize the light that comes in?” If the daughter is super distraught, maybe she has lost the ability to think logically?? Sometimes when I had a sick child with a high fever or clogged sinuses or teething, I would get so worried I would forget a basic remedy. Maybe the daughter is so set on this one solution that she isn’t thinking clearly about other ways to keep the light from bothering her mom.
If you want to go the more compassionate route, write out possible solutions and hand it to the daughter next time she comes over. Add something at the end that suggests you hope one or more of these solutions is helpful and comforting to her mother.
You don’t have to do anything. You can choose to offer possible solutions the daughter can work on. But repeating the same response over and over might make the daughter realize you are not budging in your stance.