My daughter hates everyone

Parents Forum
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<p>My daughter hates everyone. She hated where she was at in middle school, so for 8th, she transferred to the local public school. She was bullied there and hated everyone. So, she transferred to a private school. It was very small with very little interaction with anyone. It had individualized learning. We could not afford to keep up the tuition so we transferred her to a charter school for 9th. She hated everyone there…teachers and students. She hated teachers and students alike at the first public school. The charter school actually did discontinue a program they had, so she switched schools for 10th grade. But she spent the last few weeks at the charter school raging about how terrible the school was, what losers all the kids were, what losers the teachers were, you get the idea. </p>

<p>Now she spent 10th grade at a local public high school. Needless to say, she hates everyone there. She claims I don’t get it, I don’t get how terrible it is to have to spend her time around all these losers. She claims the teachers are awful and have no clue what they are doing also. Just now, we got in to a big fight because I told her she should try out this one competition group. She claims she cannot do this group because everyone is just a bunch of loser so she will be the only one trying. I told her that no one HAS to do the competition so I am sure, that out of over 3000 kids at the school, they can come up with 5-8 kids who want to try. Then she also said IF they do, it will be kids who are just doing it for a bullet point on their college applications. I said “so what? why does that matter? they would still do it” Then she went on to scream at me that I just do not get it, everyone there is awful, I have no clue, and then she called me the B word. </p>

<p>I am just at a loss. Plus, she used to be a straight A student. But now, in the bigger school, she is earning B’s. Last year, for her 5 core classes, she earned 1 A, 3 Bs and 1 C. This was the first time she ever earned anything below an A. She is in the GT program too so all those courses were GT classes. </p>

<p>It was hard to register her this year because everything was about “I can’t take that because the teacher is awful” and “I can’t take that, no one earns A’s.” That sort of thing. Yesterday, I took her out for girl time, which included dinner out. I thought we were having a great time, until we left and she went off on me about a teacher she never had. She claims that that teacher is going to hunt her down at school, pull her from her class, and scream at her in front of everyone over her AP exam score. I told her that she has never had him as a teacher, she will never have him as he teaches a 10th grade class and she is in 11th grade. And there are over 3000 kids in the school, he is not going to do that. He would be risking his job. But she just was laying in to me that I don’t get it, I am clueless, he does this all the time and gets away with it, and so on. She claims that other kids have told her about this. I told her IF he actually does this, and I would be shocked if he did, then we will file complaints all the way to the state board and won’t stop. She maintains that I do not get it and she is sure this is going to happen.</p>

<p>I am at wits end with her. Plus, as long as she has been in private or charter school (which is privately run) the staff has always thought the world of her. But in public schools, she cannot function. I even offered to just pay for her to go back to private, but she says no, she hates everyone there too. </p>

<p>What would you do? Does this sound anywhere near normal to you? I never ever would have behaved this way and have never seen anyone else behave this way before. Maybe the schools really are so awful and society has changed so much that every single teacher and every single student, at every single school where we live, is a loser? Oh, and she claims she thinks about half of them are doing drugs at school. I should add that we do live in an area which has been known for drug problems. It is a wealthier area that has been in the news for drug deaths. But, still, I cannot imagine that half the kids actually are on drugs at school and everyone’s just a bunch of losers.</p>

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<p>From your post your D has emotional problems and I think the two of you should seek counseling/therapy.</p>

<p>You need to quit taking what she says at face value, quit moving her from school to school on her whims (there’s one common denominator between all these schools - your D), and try to get a handle on this. Clearly not ‘everyone’ at the school is a ‘loser’ (whatever her definition for that is) and likely not half of them are on drugs although saying ‘half’ like that is just an exaggerated expression in normal usage.</p>

<p>Is there a dad around? If not that might play into the issues she’s having. If so, what does he have to say about it?</p>

<p>I wouldn’t keep switching schools based on her social problems since that won’t solve it and likely will only make it worse since she’ll keep going into environments where she likely doesn’t know anyone and makes it even more socially awkward for her. Instead, try to address the social problems - seek counseling.</p>

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<p>You don’t mention if your child has been in therapy or not, but this seems like an opportunity for an evaluation. IMO, this behavior is not normal. Perhaps some depression issues. Does she still enjoy her hobbies and activities outside of school? Does she spend time with friends? Saying no to these are a sign that professional help may be in order.</p>

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<p>I also agree that she needs to be seen.</p>

<p>Is she still being bullied? That could explain some of her issues.</p>

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<p>I agree with the other posters regarding therapy. I would not wait. Call her doctor and get a referral on Monday.</p>

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<p>She has moved schools so many times in such a short period that she has never had the opportunity to settle in anywhere and find her niche. I agree with other posters that professional counseling is needed.</p>

<p>Sometimes kids preemptively “hate” everything and everybody when they are afraid they will be rejected, so they do the rejecting first to retain their dignity.</p>

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<p>My guess is that your daughter really doesn’t like herself, for whatever reason, and that is the seat of a lot of her issues. Is she successful socially in other environments, such as a youth group or sports team?</p>

<p>Like other posters have said, she is rejecting others before they have a chance to reject her, and she is not staying put anywhere long enough to put down roots and find a niche.</p>

<p>She definitely needs some help. But in the meantime–Would homeschooling be a possibility for her, with the requirement that she get involved in certain extra curriculars?</p>

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<p>Being bullied puts a huge chip on your shoulder. I was relentlessly bullied in elementary and middle school for my sexuality. To the point that kids were physically abusive to me towards the end. That is a HUGE weight and it’s REALLY hard to recover and know who to trust after that. It’s easier just to hate everyone and when you send off those vibes, people give it back. </p>

<p>I’m going to echo the other people who say therapy. I am also going to 2nd boysx3’s idea that she might not like herself. It’s so easy to externalize self-dislike. You need to really like yourself and know that there is a safe zone out there before you can really recover from bullying. </p>

<p>This is what really sticks out to me:

</p>

<p>That is a good reason to seek help for her. Do you know if she is willing to talk to someone about this? It can be hard for therapy to work if you don’t want to be there.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and your D.</p>

<p>ETA: On another thread you mentioned that you had a D that was doing volunteer work for something. Is this the same D? If so, does she get along with people there? If so, that could be a “safe place” for her and she might consider getting more involved in that if she refuses to do therapy.</p>

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<p>It does sound like your daughter is having a great deal of difficulty. I would echo the “get therapy” recommendation. I would also recommend seeking out the various counselors she has had and see what they say about her situation. Her reaction, as you describe it, is not normal; but it does express her inner distress. That definitely needs to be evaluated.</p>

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<p>I’m not sure this is a self-image issue. A friend’s girlfriend went down the same trajectory. Very smart, but began having paranoid episodes (similar to what your daughter had with the teacher). She was always mistrusting of other students while in school, and thought co-workers were scheming against her, hopping between several jobs until he got her a place in his office. It was only after she started complaining about co-workers he’d known for years plotting against her that he knew something was seriously wrong. I don’t remember the diagnosis, but I know she had to receive regular therapy and medication (think she still does).</p>

<p>It may (I hope it isn’t!) not be the same thing, but it sounds alarmingly similar. Imho, get her to a shrink.</p>

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<p>Sounds a bit like Daria.</p>

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<p>It does, a bit …</p>

<p>But it also sounds pretty worrisome. I would absolutely seek help for her. You must have a gut feeling that something is wrong, which is why you posted. Please act on that feeling. Mom’s intuition is often absolutely dead-on.</p>

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<p>My daughter is very similar. For my D, I believe it stems from a lack of self-esteem. She gets depressed which leads to negativity which leads to loss of friends/social life/confidence which leads to more depression. It’s a vicious circle. She is doing better now with therapy - I would recommend you start there. Get a referral from a doctor you trust.</p>

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<p>You’ll want to find out if this is just an extreme case of adolescence/hazing/acceptance issues. Maybe she is extremely smart, so she hates teachers who explain, over and over again, things that she gets the first time (in which case, she is being inconsiderate of her less-intelligent classmates); and (as someone else mentioned) maybe she “hates” classmates out of the fear of rejection (self-esteem issues or experiential factors), cruelty at the hands of some (whose likely arbitrary meanness she has interpreted as true rejection, and she is transferring that onto everyone else), or perhaps she sees herself as being “above” everyone else, which would be narcissism.</p>

<p>If she is functional otherwise, she’s not suffering from psychosis, which is a good thing; unmedicated psychotics cannot control themselves, basically – what they do, what they think they hear, what they think, etc. (schizophrenia)</p>

<p>The #2 “worst thing” (and #1 worst thing for the rest of society) would be Antisocial Personality Disorder, AKA Sociopathy… but if she isn’t abusing small animals, or picking nonsensical fights/beating people up, or stealing all the time, or cheating all the time, etc., then probably you don’t have to worry about that.
Echoing most others, I think that probably your best bet to figuring this out is to sit down with a professional who is capable of getting real answers from her.</p>

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<p>Two things: the right counselor matters. Aim for one who specializes in youth through college; they really have a bead on what kids in this age group go through. Some are particularly astute at connecting personally (a separate skill) with this age group. You may not find the right match, at first, but keep trying. After going through this, I always suggest a psychiatrist, partly because the med training allows some broader understanding; also because they can prescribe meds. If your doc can’t recommend, you can often ask the local college health folks; many private hs also have suggestions.</p>

<p>Second, either family counseling or parents get help on their own. This helps you get an idea of effective ways to deal with various issues, know when to- and how to- remain calm, etc. It can help you understand if you are inadvertently playing into this or enabling. Or how to help put her wheels back on the right tracks.</p>

<p>An anecdote. One of my kids has a very sweet friend DH and I joking called “3 hs Susie,” after her parents put her in her 3rd hs. This wasn’t about academics or an obvious social issue. She just kept convincing them she wanted to change. Then, “4 hs Susie.” Went to a college known for specializing in helping kids find direction. Guess what? She’s a rising college junior, about to start her 7th school in 7 years. I kid you not.</p>

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<p>Sounds a bit like my D. Very negative, assumes the worst will happen, dwells on the worst and never appreciates the good things, “hates everyone” at school. In our case, she is very depressed and has been taking Prozac. It helps a bit, but she refuses to get therapy. We did go to someone, who she liked, but she wouldn’t open up to her. She’s very stubborn and insists nothing will work. One thing the Prozac does is take away some of the really low lows, and the crying jags. </p>

<p>Anger is often how teens show depression. It’s worth looking into.</p>

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<p>Not to worry - it’s just a faze.</p>

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<p>It might be a phase…it might be that she’s just a born drama queen…but your post feels to me like counseling could help especially in light of all the schools she’s been at and a counselor might be able to sift through all the messages as an outsider than as a parent and take some burden off from you of having to listen to it all the time. I sure wouldn’t want to listen to all the negativity.</p>

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<p>I should clarify. In her volunteer work, she gets along fine. And she does a lot of volunteer work. They love her. She volunteers in more than one place. She also plays in the city orchestra and has for years. Again, gets along fine.</p>

<p>On the switching of schools, she was seriously bullied in the first school. The whole reason we moved here was for that school. She had made friends. We had to pull her out because we did not feel she was safe. It was a boy who was stalking her and threatening her. Where she went after that was a private home study program. She did go in to that school 1-2 times a week. Everyone there loved her and she seemed fine. She did get a little overly touchy, I thought, over 1 problem marked wrong that should not have been marked wrong on a final. Then, because we felt she could not return to the local public school where that boy was, because we did not feel it was safe. His friends even tried to come to our house and approach our younger children to say nasty things (sexual) about our daughter. We had to call the police. But apparently, when it is a 5 yr old’s word against a teenager, they claim there is nothing they can do. They told the teen and his friends to stay away from our property. I have not seen them back since.</p>

<p>At the charter school, she hated everyone. I thought things were fine. There was no bullying. There was one boy who kept acting like a jerk, but the administration got on his case and he stopped. So no real issues. But she was very upset and dramatic about every little thing there. She went to a summer program that was well known and loved by everyone. She hated everyone. The charter school dropped some programs she was in, (they pretty much started dropping AP classes and dropped down to 1 foreign language which was not the one she was taking and stopped being a STEM academy, essentually, they shut down the portion she was in) so she had to move on. And based on the past bullying, the local schools gave her an in-district transfer to a different school. And she had friends at that first school and was very upset she had to leave for her safety. We all felt that the stalker should have had to leave, not her. But HER life had to be uprooted and changed. And he got away with it.</p>

<p>We have no problems with her activities outside of school and she is in a few. She has a sport, the music, and the volunteer work. She also babysits. She volunteers at multiple places. Currently, she is volunteering at 2 places regularly but then gets called to do occasional other things here and there. She loves doing that stuff and gets along with everyone there too.</p>

<p>So…there was no change of schools just because she complained. SHe would have had to have left the middle school at the end of the year anyway to go to high school. But we left the middle school because of the stalker. And the stalker was going on to the high school, so we picked a charter school instead. And then the charter school dropped the stem program so she had to go back to the regular high school to continue her course. That is it. I know it sounds like a lot though.</p>

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<p>My advice still stands. Clearly it bothers you enough to ask for other opinions. If she has someone to talk to, they can listen to the negativity and filter it much better than a parent and gives you a break from it.</p>