My daughter is coming back to her dorm room only at 3 am. She parties everyday. I came to know about you as one of her friends passingly told her mom how my dd is a pain. She was saying she comes at 3 am and disturbs their sleep.
I also came to know that she is missing classes in the university.
Can someone please guide me and tell me what I can do as a parent.
She is hardly talking to us. We give her love and nudge her to talk but nothing.
We take her to movies but she stills goes back to the one liner.
One day, something possessed me and I decided to ask her directly. She lied her way and threated to leave me and get herself away from us forever.
BTW we pay all her bills.
Please help , please give some advice. This way she will ruin herself and her life
Well, stop paying her bills, for one thing.
Not everyone is ready for college at 18 years old. Perhaps after some years in the work force and time to consider her options, she’ll be ready to make the most of a college education.
What year of college? How are her grades?
Agree, if she is over 18 there is less you can do, but not nothing. Do you give her an allowance or a credit card? If so, suggest you need to have a FaceTime by xxxx or you will have to explore other options (and would immediately cut the spending limit on her cr card before cancelling it completely so she doesn’t take a big cash advance). She is not in charge here.
She is in her first year
First year, failing
Is it too late to WD?
I have another problem my mother is giving her allowance behind my back
That is a BIG problem. That MUST stop. Tell your mom what you are telling us.
We are in the second semester of first year college
Understood. But if she withdraws (if not too late) or gets incompletes it won’t tank her GPA further
Is your daughter living on campus and is it nearby? If so, and if she continues to avoid you, you might be wise to show up for a face to face.
And your mom isn’t giving an “allowance”. She is giving her a handout and enabling her behavior. That must stop.
i think that it is not as simple as behaving badly, it seems that she is struggling with something that you don’t know about.
maybe try to have her start therapy? and if she’s reluctant to do that, i would take privileges away until she goes and gets help.
That’s a big problem. I agree with @jym626 that you have to appeal to your mom to stop. It might be too late to withdraw (different schools have different deadlines), but you could investigate that option. It’s not always easy to arrange an incomplete if the student hasn’t done the work in the first place (and in that case, the student still has to do the work).
However – let’s say your daughter fails all of her classes this semester. It’s true that this will tank her college GPA. However, it might be possible to start fresh (some years down the line) at a different university. Even if these courses end up on the transcript as transfer (failed) courses, some schools will allow students to retake the courses for replacement grades. That’s a decision that lies in the future, but it’s something to consider.
Therapy is a great idea, but if the daughter is non compliant now, she won’t likely comply with that, at least not yet. And if she is over 18 parents cannot make her go.
She could just be immature and not ready for college. She could be struggling with mental health and/or substance abuse. She could be stressed out by the rigor of her courses and turning to partying for relief. Or it could be adolescent rebellion. Or any combination of these factors. She probably gets defensive when confronted. Would she listen to you if you suggested that she meet with someone in the counseling center? I agree that if she is uncooperative and failing her courses, you shouldn’t continue to fund her. But the most important thing is to try to determine what is causing this behavior.
These assumptions are all valid, and agree that therapy and getting to the cause of cause of behavior is important. But a face to face meeting is needed. As I like to say, if you are in the middle of the street and there is a truck coming, I want to get you out of the road first. Then we can look at why you like to live dangerously and play in traffic.
From your posts last year, it looks like your daughter was aiming for T10 colleges. Is she attending a super-rigorous school? If so, is she potentially overwhelmed with schoolwork if it is a lot more difficult than her high school?
Or was that for a different kid?
Well if failing, she will not be invited back next semester.
Set up a time to talk about next steps. If she moves home, what does that look like?
If she can pull up any of her grades so she does not have zeros in her GPA that can help in the long run.
Is there anyone in the family or family friends she is talking to? College is harder than high school, not just academically. Try to figure out when things started to get out of hand and why.