As some of you know, my daughter has been on medical leave from college since Dec 2017 for anxiety and depression. This week we saw a rheumatologist that thinks she has Sneddon’s syndrome, a disorder that causes small strokes in young people and eventually kills them. More testing needs to be done, but it does not look good.
My daughter’s whole life, I have pushed education as the ultimate goal, and not subtly. My focus on her getting into a good college caused her anxiety, caused fights between us, and hurt our relationship. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could do it all over.
1 Like
I am sorry. It’s difficult to say how to prioritize things. I often wish Id prioritized education, particularly doing well in school more with my kids. I have a lot of kids, and it varies widely what should be prioritized with each of them.
One of mine was diagnosed with a condition that gave 50% chance Event Free Survival in five years. I swore that if we got through this alive, I’d never ask another thing from my kids, that I’d be grateful for everything. I have not kept my word. I’ve made many mistakes as have they.
Most of us try to do the best we can under the circumstances and it varies what that best is. It’s not unusual to fight a lot with some personality combos and if it’s not one subject, it’s other.
Hugs to both of you in dealing with a different path than ever expected or imagined. My heart truly goes out to you.
Oh no Emsmom. You are correct about perspective. I do hope that you get a clear diagnosis and treatment plan ASAP. Hugs.
Wow—that’s a very tough diagnosis! If urge you to get a 2nd opinion and hope you guys get a good treatment plan. Best of luck to you and your family moving forward.
We all just do the best we can. I and both my kids have chronic conditions. We have made peace with it and just live the best we can with them. We have amazed our MDs, who have given some pretty grim predictions over the years.
I’m so sorry. Sending light and love your way.
Your post is heartbreaking. I hope you receive hopeful news. But please don’t beat yourself up. You did what you thought best. No one gets the whole story from birth.
You did what most parents do – taught your daughter to prioritize preparing for her future.
In the 21st century, this makes sense for all young people except the very few who are born with a severe health issue or develop one in childhood. The vast majority of today’s children grow up to become independent adults who need to prepare for careers and benefit from a good education.
I don’t see where you did anything wrong.
I’m sorry about your daughter, but I would definitely be getting another diagnosis if that’s what they determine. I’d get her to Mayo. You’ve done nothing wrong in stressing an education.
I am so sorry. What you did for her was done out of love because you cared and wanted the best for her. And she knows this. You were always on her side, now and then. Don’t blame yourself.
I echo all above and am adding in many good thoughts and hugs.
Most times it does not pay to look back - but you know, you can look at now and the future days ahead and be the best supporter you can be for her. That’s what she will hang onto in your relationship.
Very sorry to hear this but second the suggestions to get a second opinion, especially since you have not received a definite diagnosis.
You loved your kid, wanted what was best for her, and continue to do so. Don’t be hard on yourself.
I agree with all who say not to be so hard on yourself. We do the best we can, and that’s all anyone can ask of us. You love your daughter, and I am sure she knows it.
I’m so sorry to hear this, @Emsmom1 Please do not beat yourself up. I think I can safely say every parent has regrets. The only thing you can change is from today forward. I hope additional testing brings better news.
Hugs to you and your daughter. I have long wished for two things: that my kids were born with a manual, and a crystal ball so I knew the best course of action. Unfortunately, neither have been invented yet. All we can do is make the best choices with what we’ve got in front of us at that moment. You did that. Hindsight is always 20-20. Don’t beat yourself up over the woulda, shoulda, could ofs. Keep loving your daughter, and keep doing the best you can. And thank you for the reminder to always hug our kids and family members. You just never know what will happen tomorrow.
More prayers and cyber hugs from me too.
You did the best you could, with the information you had in front of you. Another voice to not beat yourself up.
My heart goes out to you. Please vent here, but stay strong and positive around your daughter. She needs you right now. Get a second/third opinion. Educate yourself. Find a support group - other parents going through the same, and perhaps a therapist who specializes in caretakers. All of this will help you navigate the choppy, unknown waters in front of you - and be an effective support for your child. Hugs.
@Emsmom1 , I am so sorry for your struggle. Cyber hugs.
Pleas don’t beat yourself up. You did what you thought was best at the time and you couldn’t have seen this coming. With a different set of circumstances, it might have been perfect. Everyone goes through some version of this in parenting and in life, and none of us gets it all right.
You need your energy and strength for both of you NOW, not directed into regret about what has passed.
Talk to your D about your feelings. You can tell her you pushed her because you knew she was capable and you wanted her to have every opportunity. Tell her you are now regretting this because you feel like you wasted some of some of your time together. Tell her you love her and want to be supportive and connected and talk about how you can do that. This is a lousy situation but it may give you 2 the chance to change your relationship. Take that gift.
Really sorry to hear this, but don’t have regrets. Many children with serious, even terminal, illnesses just want to be treated like all other kids and education is part of their lives. My kids had a classmate with cancer and she went to school until a week before her death. She wanted to be just like all other kids, wanted to learn. She played basketball even as she was doing chemo.
Good luck. Hope you hear good news soon.
Has she had definitive tests?
@Emsmom1, I am so terribly sorry about your daughter and it must be so hard for you. We, as parents, do the very best we can each day. Please don’t beat yourself up. I hope the diagnosis is wrong but, hopefully, you can just be the best mom to your daughter now and not second guess what you you believed was the for the best in the past.