<p>I am a long time CCer. I changed my Id to make this an anonymous posting.</p>
<p>Well, here is the story and I would like your opinions on my delimma…</p>
<p>DD is a rising Sophamore went to college in MW and we live in SF, CA. For the last quarter DD fall in love with this rising Jr. from the East Coast in the same school. This fine young man visited us this summer for a week after he got off the internship with DD’s invitation, it went well. The guy is very polite and courteous, raised from a good family. A little bit quirky, but so are all those math majors. Dring his visit, DD and him went out every day to various toursit spots and local attractions in SF and we took them out several times as well.</p>
<p>Yesterday, DD had expressed her interest on visiting the BF during the spring break from 12/10 to Early January. She had yet received an invitation from him and we will not be seeing her during the Christmas season.</p>
<p>My questions to you are:</p>
<ol>
<li>Should she visit him after his invitaion?</li>
<li>Would it be too fast track romance? Afterall, they have been togeter for only 3 months.</li>
<li>Would it be too long of a visit? Especially during the holiday season?</li>
</ol>
<p>If she’s still seeing him in December there’s no reason she shouldn’t visit him. He visited her, you liked him, and it sounded like a nice visit. He lives in a different part of the country so the visit will probably include sight seeing just as the visit in SF did. Three weeks is a bit of a long visit. That’s a long time to be a guest in someone’s home that you don’t know well (ie his family). Is there are reason she isn’t spending any of the winter break in SF? Maybe she could split some of that time with family at home and visiting the BF on the east coast. I’d wait until the invitation comes. The boyfriends family may not extend an invitation for that long and it may not be an issue.</p>
<p>It does seem premature for her & you to worry about it. A lot can happen between now & December for college students. I’d wait & see. If anyone plans to buy tickets, I’d try to find something that is fully re-bookable and refundable (there are still a few airlines that offer such tickets, but better NOT to buy anything until and unless there is a CONFIRMED invitation). Definitely would think that a 3 week visit over the holidays in such a short-term romance might be rather long for the family.</p>
<p>To the extent we are financing our adult kids’ lifestyles, I believe it IS somewhat our business as to what they are doing, especially if trips are paid for on our dime. Just because loved ones turn a certain age doesn’t suddenly mean that they can make decisions magically much better than the day before. The OP makes it sound like it may be a Q that her D has asked for the OP’s input in.</p>
<p>Let me clarify some thing, which I fail to convay in the OP.</p>
<ol>
<li>We are paying the full frieght and all the trimmings, including the flights.</li>
<li>We have no control over her love live at the school and will not interfer.</li>
<li>We do have concerns of the flight arrangements since the 1/2 flights have to book early to take advantage of the low fare.</li>
<li>We do have concerns about the BF family’s feelings if DD would stuck there for three weeks.</li>
<li>We do have concerns if DD makes the first move and perhaps that will embarrased the receiving family.</li>
</ol>
<p>three weeks does seem like a very long time to host a guest. but since she hasn’t been invited yet, i wouldn’t worry. if the tickets are unreasonable at the time she is invited, then you could have a discussion. right now, no invite, no tickets, no problem!</p>
<p>My thoughts: If they are still together, OK to visit, but not for the entire break. Maybe something more like this: she comes home to SF for two weeks, until Christmas, then flies to BF’s house for about a week, then directly to school. That way she avoids the holiday with BF’s family (and any awkwardness regarding that), and the hop from East Coast to MW school should be a little cheaper, and maybe easier to book.</p>
<p>You have every right to be involved in this decision, even if you D had saved the money and was footing the bill herself. </p>
<p>I think 3 weeks sounds like a long time. I visited my college boyfriend several times out of state, but no longer than for a week. If she values this relationship, the last thing she wants to do is wear out her welcome.</p>
<p>Why isn’t she coming home? Three weeks is a looooong time for a not super-serious relationship. I wouldn’t want anyone in my house for three weeks.</p>
<p>Being with her boyfriend’s family during Christmas week and missing Christmas with her own family is about as close as they can come to announcing their engagement short of buying a ring (unless one or the other is Jewish).</p>
<p>At least, that’s the way that his family and friends (and perhaps yours) are likely to interpret it – whether the two young people intend it that way or not.</p>
<p>Also, being with his family for Christmas week puts his family in the position of having to include her (or, if necessary, make a point of excluding her) from any of their habitual family holiday plans and activities, some of which may not easily accommodate someone who is a mere girlfriend, rather than a fiancee.</p>
<p>A tactful solution to these problems might be for each of them to spend Christmas week with their own families, and for her to visit him either before or after the holidays (when the visit will be perceived as less significant and when there would be fewer family events to work around).</p>
<p>Being with her boyfriend’s family during Christmas week and missing Christmas with her own family is about as close as they can come to announcing their engagement short of buying a ring (unless one or the other is Jewish).</p>
<p>which is what my D has informed us she is doing this year-
Last year they went to visit BF family ( who live on the other side of country), after Christmas so I guess we now have to take turns. At least we live less than 200 miles away.</p>
<p>( I should add that this D is in grad school- she graduated college in 2006- & as her BF is also in grad school, his parents are footing the bill for the travel)</p>
<p>We’ve had this situation with both my son and daughter. Agree with others- three weeks is way too long. One week is plenty for the hosting family. It may even be too much for the couple, because there is no escaping one another.
I also don’t think I’d want someone at my home for the actual holiday that is not immediate family, unless they were engaged, or at least a lot more serious than 3 months. </p>
<p>My son was invited to a gf’s home for Christmas Day holiday early on in a relationship (they had been going together for a year), and I nixed it. I wanted him home for Christmas. To me, this is family time unless there are extenuating circumstances. He did fly out to visit for about a week a few days after, for New Year’s, and it was plenty of time to meet everyone and share the holiday spirit with his gf and their family.
Four years later, they’re still together. There’s something to be said for not rushing things.</p>
<p>I am going to agree. My kids have brought home relatively recent girlfriends (although we would prefer they not do that), they have been pleasant, lovely young women whom we enjoyed meeting, but there was still a lot of strain. Three weeks is forever.</p>
<p>Ask your daughter if she really wants to put up with her boyfriend’s relationship with his parents for three weeks. She should think about what that could do to her romance. Chances are either the boy has some conflict with his parents, and will be instantly infantilized (and resentful) when he gets home, and she will be stuck trying to be a good guest and a loyal girlfriend under circumstances where those goals are in conflict. The strong young man she knows at school could instantly turn into a whiny, rude, self-involved 16-year-old boy. Or, worse, he will have some sort of bizarre hyper-esteem for his parents – especially his mother – with which she will be unable to compete, and which she won’t be able to share. Not fun either way. </p>
<p>Hedge her bets – keep the visit relatively short (and one week is long), and keep most of the relationship away from either set of parents. If they are going to spend their lives together, she will have to deal with her boyfriend’s parents and his relationship with them. But she will have years to work on that. (And it may take years.) Until it becomes a necessity, she should think about whether she really wants to go through that.</p>