<p>My opinion…three weeks at the holidays is too long. I suspect this family will not extend an invitation for that length of time.</p>
<p>We had a deal with our kids (I know this isn’t what you are asking for…but here goes)…we paid airfare for them to come HOME at Christmas and during the summer. Any “discretionary travel” (visiting a boyfriend would have been discretionary) would have not been paid for by us. </p>
<p>Like others, I’m wondering why she isn’t going to come home for part of that long break. </p>
<p>Also…if the boyfriend’s family hasn’t extended an invitiation by now…maybe THEY are not considering this as a possibility.</p>
<p>also agree, one week is long enough. Maybe some of the logistics could be that she visist BF and then the two return to school together so she does not have yet another ticket back home and then back to school. Often two one ways are no more or less than a RT ticket anyway and you can use different airlines for better routing.</p>
<p>Another option, if either of them lives off campus, would be to spend part of the break at that person’s off-campus apartment (if the off-campus person’s roommates do not object, and if parents don’t have strenuous objections to the concept of “living together”).</p>
<p>This way, they would get some extra time together without driving someone’s family crazy. And if they’re not already living together, sharing quarters for even a short time could teach them some interesting things about each other and their relationship.</p>
<p>Full disclosure: I think every couple should be forced to live in the same apartment for at least a few weeks and/or go on a trip together. You learn a lot about the other person that way.</p>
<p>As of now there has been no invitation so there is no point to even be concerned. I would simply say that it would be rude to invite herself. I don’t know if her boyfriend celebrates Christmas but if so many families have traditions that are reserved for family only. For instance, I would not be comfortable if one of my kids had a three month romance and their new GF was at my home for three weeks where I would be obligated to purchase various tickets for shows and restaurants during the holiday season not to mention gifts under the tree for someone who probably won’t be around for very long. I also think three weeks is way too long for any house guest other than a parent or the immediate family to visit. I would suggest that she come home for the holidays and visit for 5 days and not a day longer or she will look like she is waiting for the ring. It is very inappropriate to visit anyone for that length of time and to do it during a holiday such as Christmas without an engagement is just wrong on many levels. Young woman today seem to over step the boundaries in these situations.</p>
<p>I don’t think it matters that your daughter is of legal voting age. If you are paying all of her expenses (including her flight for her vacation), you have a right to have a say in what she does with her vacation time.</p>
<p>I think you are within your rights to say, “We would like to see you over your winter break, so you will have to work that in to your plans.”</p>
<p>I also agree with everything that has been said above. Three weeks–even one week–is a very, very, very long time to be a house guest. It is not just an imposition on the hosts, it’s really exhausting for the guest. Perhaps she can plan a 10-day trip to the East Coast that features maybe three nights, max, in his parents home (NOT DURING XMAS), and also includes visits to other East Coast-based college friends who live in other places she hasn’t seen. If he lives in NY, she can easily get to Philadelphia or DC by low-cost bus. Maybe he can go along for some of the trip.</p>
<p>You’re really going to have to wait until an invitation is issued before buying plane tickets. If the fares go up, so be it.</p>
<p>D was in a similar situation last year but kept it to 4-5 days after the rest of the family went back to school/work.
I think spending the actual Christmas holiday is a bit premature and three weeks is just silly.</p>
<p>ccforumbug, how do you feel about the prospect of this visit? Are you in favor of it? You’re willing to pay for it. Yet, by asking for advice, I get the feeling you’re looking for a reason to deny your D’s request. </p>
<p>I, for one, would be heartbroken if my daughter didn’t want to spend Christmas with us (before she is self-supporting). It’s OK if you feel the same way. It’s OK to say so to your D. </p>
<p>And, I agree with the concensus. Three weeks is way too long. How about 7 days that include New Years Eve, just so there would still be some holiday romance for the couple to look forward to?</p>
<p>I think even seven days is a LONG time to spend with someone else’s family. I know there is a distance involved…but agree with the suggestion of making this an east coast trip. A week in the bf’s family home is just too long.</p>
<p>It is too early to book and take advantage of lower fares. There has been no invitation. </p>
<p>Three weeks is likely tooooooo long. I think 5 days makes more sense, 7 if it is a tourist destination with lots to do, like SF was for his visit. Even with that said, 5 days during the holidays can be long.</p>
<p>Given that you can’t be making reservations yet, and this will also likely mean a trip home then to the east coast and then maybe even home before going back to school ----YIKES. I get where you are coming from. You are paying full freight and were hoping to say yes to the trip AND book it sooner rather than later. I think in the interest of all involved, she needs to wait until invited and then not outstay her welcome. </p>
<p>If it were my D, that would be all she would be getting for Christmas 'cause it gonna be 'spensive… ;). But I would let mine go. I “lost” mine for Thanksgiving last year. First holiday not with us and with the BF’s family. I was tough for me. But he is similarly a smart, polite, loving and caring guy with a few quirks. She has some as well. They make a cute couple and it will be 2 years this Christmas. (Thankfully he is a poor grad student or I would be worried about a ring.) GOOD LUCK!</p>
<p>*1. Should she visit him after his invitaion?
2. Would it be too fast track romance? Afterall, they have been togeter for only 3 months.
3. Would it be too long of a visit? Especially during the holiday season?</p>
<p>Your thinkings?*</p>
<p>OK I see my Ds situation is not even applicable- so I will respond to OPs.
If he invites her- then sure she could stay for a week- but wait till invitation to book any travel arrangements.</p>
<p>Following up since the OP’s second post. You’ve gotten some great advise here. I would echo that your daughter hasn’t received a firm invitation from the BF’s family yet so I wouldn’t even consider airfare yet. If it is too high when the invitation comes then the trip is not an option, plain and simple. The simple fact may be the BF may not have asked his parents if your daughter can visit over the holidays thus no invitation yet. If your daughter mentioned ‘Wouldn’t it be wonderful if…’ and the BF responded ‘Yea, that sounds fun…’. She thinks it’s a done deal and wants to get tickets while he may not have given it a second thought. He may be fine with the plans, but just hasn’t acted on them…or he may in fact be hesitant but not want to tell her. They will work it out. Your job is to let them.</p>
<p>As far as our children being adults at 18 and acting as such…yes…and well, kinda. They are legal adults on a certain date, every single one of them. It is still a parents job to help them understand social norms and guide them when we see them going out in left field. No, they don’t have to listen to us, however they don’t magically understand that fish and guests tend to stink after 3 days (let alone three weeks). The OPs daughter can either gently be told by a loving parent, or she can go make an otherwise lovely holiday very-very uncomfortable and possibly doom a relationship. Either way she’ll learn.</p>
<p>I think she should spend Christmas with her parents and then figure it out so she spends New Years with her beau. Perhaps they can take a short trip to visit some other friends so they are not with his family for the entire time from December 30 or 31 until they return to school.</p>
<p>I am very fond of my son’s girlfriend, and it is apparently serious, but having the two of them underfoot for three weeks would not be fun for anyone.</p>
<p>There may be reasons not to stay so long, but this makes no sense to me and is very outdated - reminiscent of Phyllis Schlafly. Why would anyone assume this young woman has any interest in an engagement?</p>
<p>Why would anyone assume this young woman has any interest in an engagement?
She might not be- but to ignore her own family in lieu of a desire to stay with her new boyfriends family ( has she even met them?) for the long break between semesters looks like she has a narrow perspective.</p>
<p>The longest I’ve had a visit with a romantic interest of my child was 6 days, it was long and a lot of work but I would do it for three weeks if asked. </p>
<p>Be aware that they will spend a lot of time in bed together.</p>
They are legal adults on a certain date, every single one of them. It is still a parents job to help them understand social norms and guide them when we see them going out in left field. No, they don’t have to listen to us, however they don’t magically understand that fish and guests tend to stink after 3 days (let alone three weeks). The OPs daughter can either gently be told by a loving parent, or she can go make an otherwise lovely holiday very-very uncomfortable and possibly doom a relationship. Either way she’ll learn.</p>