<p>I don’t think it looks like the girl has any outdated expectations, but if his family celebrates Christmas, having someone new there (especially for a lengthy visit: my own parents don’t stay three weeks) makes the family kind of feel like that person will be around for future holidays.
Three weeks in August - not the same as over major holidays.</p>
<p>Parent 1986. Not even going there. Plugging my ears, closing my eyes.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else. Three weeks is WAY too long. I find a week to be a pretty long time to visit my MIL, even now after 25+ years. I think the best way to meet a BF’s parents is to go out to dinner with them.</p>
<p>I agree with lots of the advice from posters and I’m sure the OP will be able to use it to help her daughter figure it out.</p>
<p>But I just want to say that I find it creepy, wrong and weird (sorry, I’m judgmental, what can I say?) that parents feel they can have any and all control, and its always perfectly justified, because ‘they are paying the bills’. </p>
<p>What’s up with that? Sure technically you CAN since you have a clear understanding that you hold the ultimate power. Good for you. But the question remains: is it GOOD for them for you to be micro-managing their lives when they are adults? Is it appropriate to be determining how they manage a relationship? </p>
<p>With this logic of “pay=control”, I guess if you are financially supporting them you are also choosing your kids majors and even their weekly schedules. Maybe they have to check in to ask permission about what to wear or what social events they can attend. Maybe you require when they must see you and when they must call you (wow, great you can even control your relationship with them!). But I will guess that most parents fully support their kids don’t do all of the above. Despite you paying the bill, they recognize that they can trust their kids, trust they raised them well for 18 to 21 years, or that their offspring are mature enough to make adult decisions, and/or you recognize the value in them learning to make such adult decisions for themselves even if aren’t fully mature and therefore they make some errors. Sure you COULD force them to do it your way but is it appropriate and good for them?</p>
<p>IF I had an airlines that allowed me to make reservations and cancel/change without penalty, I would go ahead and purchase tickets for my kids to come HOME. Unfortunately, there are no such airlines serving HI & I have been burned with $150 exchange/cancellation fees too many times, so we are NOT doing that for our kiddos.</p>
<p>It is three long months before any of this. It is really hard to know at what state anyone’s relationship will be in between now and then. Personally, I have preferred NOT to purchase my kiddos tickets until I have clarity on what flights they want just because I hate paying penalties, which are often more than any “savings” I tried to get by booking early with folks who had unformed or changing plans. FWIW, I am also paying full freight and my kids’ flights.</p>
<p>Personally, I have not tried to influence my kids’ choice of friends or trips, other than telling them if they booked at the last minute & the price was sky high, THEY would pay not me. This has precluded some last minute trips to HI & other places on my dime. Similarly, my parents did not try to direct my trips or love life or relationships either. I am a sounding board to the extent my kids are interested, as my folks were for us. Most kids who have been house guests may have some idea of how comfortable/uncomfortable it may be to stay with others for varying lengths of time and it could be mentioned as part of being a sounding board.</p>
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<p>Are we that old or that far removed from remembering new love? I’m old but I remember what it was like to want to spend every minute possible with my college boyfriend. For the first time, I didn’t look forward to all the holidays because we would have to spend extended - as in more than one day - apart. She may not have that much interest in spending time with his family, but wants to spend every minute she can with him. Maybe he feels the same way. It is just time together for them - holiday, family, number of weeks - all secondary. I’m sure she doesn’t feel like she’s ignoring her family. She is smitten and 3 weeks apart seems like a much bigger deal than one more holiday with the family. </p>
<p>That is why it may be important for parents to have some say. They (we) obviously see this in an entirely different light so some things (reality) need to be pointed out.</p>
<p>When DH and I were in grad school and had dated for a few months, he returned to home on one coast and I was on the other. (I was still in grad school and he took time off for another opportunity.) He invited me for Christmas- and I went. We split the cost of the plane tickets (our own funds.) We each had been paying for grad school ourselves. I think I was there maybe two weeks. But, I made arrangements to stay with an old family friend half the time - not just to give his family breathing room, but to give me an out, if needed. It worked because he had cleared it with family- and he made me aware of what I’d be participating in, what was expected of me. The relationship was serious. It made sense. My family was near grad school, so I spent the front part of the time with them. I was probably 24 or 25 and had already lived independently and held a ft job.</p>
<p>If D2, a soph, wanted something like this after three months, especially the full vacation and such a long one, I’d say no. Why, when they are technically adults? Because they are only technically adults and still have so much growing to do and judgment to learn. At this age and stage, I don’t endorse every hare-brained idea they come up with. They get plenty of freedom. And, I fully expect that, once they graduate, my influence will wane.</p>
<p>You might think I’m harsh. You might point to the successful visit the boy had at your home- but that was more under your oversight. And, only one week. And, in a city with much to do. (We don’t know where he is.) If this is a serious relationship, it will survive not having this holiday together. This is not just about who’s paying the bills and keeping control while you are. It’s about the fact that she’s still quite young, one year out of hs. IMO, they are both at the same college; they have plenty of time to explore their relationship. Sorry.</p>
<p>We are not paying for D1’s bills any more (well, just for stuff she can’t afford), but she wouldn’t think of spending holidays with her BF instead with us. She has 2 weeks off between Christmas and New Year time. She is going to be with us, wherever we may be (I have no idea yet), and be with her BF for New Year. Until she is ready to make that long term commitment with someone, I wouldn’t expect her to spend major holidays with her BF’s family. As far as spending 3 weeks with BF’s family? Not going to happen.</p>
<p>parent1986 - if those kids want to spend time in bed with each other, they could do it anywhere (including while they are in college), they wouldn’t need to do that at their parents’ house. It is a very strange and tasteless thing to say.</p>
<p>"parents feel they can have any and all control, and its always perfectly justified, because ‘they are paying the bills’. "</p>
<p>Did I miss something? Where did you get that impression? That does not seem among the OP’s questions, nor any of the answers. Yes, OP is asking for opinions, but I OP acting for control? OTOH, control over tickets bought and when, doesn’t seem unreasonable. And if I was the host parent, who (in my case, I was hesitant about an older “friend” made on ex box live when son was 16), when, and how long seems reasonable as well.</p>
<p>Love to know what you and your Dd (and her Bf) decide, ccfourmbug!<br>
The parenting fun never ends. ;)</p>
<p>post #41, really 1986? was that really necessary? Oldfort is right.</p>
<p>On the control, isn’t there some control over saying yes or no to funding a trip. If the OP is sacrificing to send her kid to school, then she has the right to not choose to fund extra trips. I don’t assume that is controlling, just reality.</p>
<p>I agree with the rest of the posters, now is the time for a teachable moment. Teach your college kid about being a good guest and about giving time to family, too.</p>
<p>"parent1986 - if those kids want to spend time in bed with each other, they could do it anywhere (including while they are in college), they wouldn’t need to do that at their parents’ house. It is a very strange and tasteless thing to say."oldfort</p>
<p>“post #41, really 1986? was that really necessary? Oldfort is right.#50”</p>
<p>Sorry the discussion of sex makes you uncomfortable. It is a fact of life. And yes, with a three week visit, that is what they will be doing. Just as you obviously don’t think it is a possibility, the OP may not. For those who find the idea unacceptable, you need to consider it the most.</p>
<p>Not ALL parents who host their college age kids SO’s for overnight visits allow them to stay in the same bedroom. That’s not to say at some point during the visit the young adults don’t find a time and place to have sex, but to insinuate that they are going to be spending ‘all their time in bed’ is unfounded. I don’t have my head in the sand about my kids relationships, but at 16, 18, and 20, when hosting gf’s overnight they don’t share a bedroom and the kids are generally respectful with PDA when we are around. When they choose to share an apartment with someone, or are engaged, then I assume this will change at some point. Every family has their own comfort zone, own rules about this. You can’t assume that the OPs daughter is going to be ‘in bed’ for three weeks.</p>
<p>I think it was the blanket assumption, in your face delivery, not simply the suggestion that perhaps the OP check out the sleeping arrangements if that was a concern, that people are reacting to.</p>
<p>“but to insinuate that they are going to be spending ‘all their time in bed’ is unfounded.”#52</p>
<p>When did “a lot” become “all their time in bed?” I insinuated nothing. </p>
<p>Also, who said they would be staying in the same room? Parents aren’t awake or home 24 hrs/ day to chaperone. </p>
<p>I find this reaction to the mention of sex by adults surprising. I am sure there are previous threads on CC that discuss this. </p>
<p>Sex and sleeping arrangements are a reality that needs to be covered when visiting members of the opposite sex.</p>
<p>I would say that you should consider yourself lucky that she has met someone who seems to be a good guy.</p>
<p>I am with Parent1986.
How could anyone not face this aspect of a long trip? She’s a sophomore (not the brightest point in any of our lives) and he’s a junior. We should all be aware.</p>
<p>^^Seriously? You’re going to be discussing sleeping arrangements for a sophomore and a junior in college?</p>
<p>Foo. They’re at the same college. If they’re sleeping together, they’ll probably do it less while visiting his family than they do now.</p>
<p>OK…back to the OP’s original question…after reading all that is here…I would say…making ANY travel arrangements involving visiting the boyfriend are OFF the table as an invitation to visit for three weeks at Christmas has NOT been received.</p>
<p>I will say…my kid traveled a long distance to come home at Christmas…often returning that Sunday of New Year’s weekend to college (when prices for flying were steep). By mid September (now) I already would have her reservations made. We just flew her home the day after exams ended…because we didn’t know when HERS would actually end. </p>
<p>At this point, I would plan for her to fly HOME for the holiday. Hopefully you fly her Southwest and can change or cancel her plans at no cost…if need be. BUT if you don’t make a reservation for her to come home…SOON…you won’t get the better prices or even the choices of flights/days.</p>
<p>They’re at the same college. If they’re sleeping together, they’ll probably do it less while visiting his family than they do now.</p>
<p>True.
I hope we get updated in the case of an actual invite.</p>
<p>Perhaps we’re assuming something that the young people may not recognize.</p>
<p>In order for the young woman to visit her boyfriend during Winter Break, his PARENTS have to extend an invitation. The young man may not realize this. He may think that he can invite her without consulting his parents, but this is a bad idea that could have very unpleasant consequences for all concerned.</p>