My D's Anxiety and Kinda-sorta Breakdown...(long)

Parent Cafe
1

So, my D - class of '16- had another meltdown last night and this morning. This is the third one she’s had in the past two years, in front of me and her father, anyway.

Today’s - and those in the past - are triggered by going back to school after a holiday break. But before, she went to school.

Today she absolutely refused to go to school and asked me to call a psychiatrist or therapist and did not want to go to school until she did.
So I did.

A little backstory - a few months ago, I looked up a therapist to take her to, to help with her increasing anxiety and stress over school - which she basically deals with by refusing to do any homework, or otherwise think about school while she’s away from it. I’ve been concerned about a couple of things - one, that she may have an executive functioning disorder and two, that she suffers from anxiety and/or depression. And that maybe the ED is triggering both…
A few months ago, though, she resisted seeing a therapist and I did not push it. She always says “Oh I just need to write things down, I just need to give myself more time on homework…”

Apparently the problem, though is getting started. She continues to not finish assignments or even start some of them until the very, very last minute.

She has consistently under-performed since the end of sophomore year. Her GPA does not match her ACT score, her stats are lop-sided and scream “bright slacker.” So, academically, she is under-performing for about two years now.

Emotionally, she is, now that I think about it, a former shell of herself. She stays at home, does not socialize in person with friends, and does not seem interested in anything. This past week, her spring break, she cancelled plans with a friend to go to a local museum, something she used to love to do in the past. She increasingly resists our efforts - and those of her friends’ - to go out and just have fun.

So, I’ve known she can’t go on like this, she can’t go to college unless she addresses this, but I’ve also been in denial. She just needs to get away from us, into a different environment, the homework given at school is too much (okay, I still think this), her college peers will encourage her…

Well, today, like I said, it all came to a head. Last night, she broke down sobbing. Again, she had not finished an assignment. This morning, she was paralyzed and hyper-ventilating. She could not bring herself to open the front door.

She was not pretending, I knew, and it terrified me. My husband urged her to just go to school anyway - because in the past, she always feels and does better when she just goes to school - but she would not and in her mind, could not.

Then she said, “I need help. Please take me to see someone today.”

I called the therapist’s office number I’d found a few months ago, and they told me to take her to a behavioral clinic nearby and have her evaluated.
We went, and long story short (or not so short, sorry and thanks for listening if you’ve made it this far) later this week, she is going to an all-day outpatient program for at least a week for “school anxiety/school refusal”. There will be other students there, going through similar issues. This is a thing, I guess.

She is going to school tomorrow - and right now, I’m sitting across from her while she studies intently for a test she has tomorrow. She enters the therapy program on Thursday, and it’s an intensive behavioral therapy program, along with group and individual therapy, and two hours a day dedicated to homework, and focus on overcoming her anxiety, recognizing and dealing with it - and hopefully, learning to just sit down and do her homework.

Btw, this is a girl that was also diagnosed as gifted, and she has the intellectual capacity to do schoolwork. She took AP and Honors courses freshman year and received all As both semesters. She was miserable that year, too, her first miserable year in school. It’s been a downward spiral since.

So, right now, I’m scared and worried, and wondering what happens next.

She’s been admitted to three universities, all safeties. (The counselor said, of course she only applied to safeties, it’s all about the lowest risk possible for her… Everything she does, or doesn’t do, is about minimizing risk and avoiding anxiety).
But even at a safety, we all have to confront the fact, now, that she will not do well if she does not learn to manage her time and anxiety, and get a handle on this.

I’ve suggested a gap year before to her, and that’s still an option, but really don’t know, going forward from this starting point, if that’s a good one or not.

Thanks, I just needed to write this down and tell someone. I trust people here on CC. Maybe someone’s gone through a similar thing, idk…

I just want my D to be happy and functioning, again.

2

We have and continue to deal with a similar situation. I am going to switch to PM for privacy’s sake. Hang in there.

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I read your entire story and I offer you (and her) hugs and best wishes. Good for her for asking for help. Tell her that. Good for you and your H for taking her seriously and finding accommodations for her - and quickly - that is very lucky.

I hope her week at this unit will be a good step forward. Recognize that it may not be the only step she needs to take. Definitely one day at a time. Is college suppose to be fall 2016? You absolutely don’t have to make any decisions on that right now. One day at a time.

4

I have no words of wisdom, but applaud you for taking action. I hope it turns out to be a problem that’s easy to deal with.

5

That’s rough. Similar here,mbut no full on refusal (yet).

Does she have a commutable safety? It might be easier on her to be home and she might get into a group behavioral type therapy nearby?

6

I’m sorry you’re going through this with your daughter.executive function difficult ulties go hand in hand with ADHD, which is also comorbid with anxiety and mood disorders. So much is trea table with med and therapy, but environment is huge. Going to a safety filled with kind, mellow people where there is not lot of competitive pressure may be the greatest gift for her long term well being. Good luck…

7

Best of luck–your D is so lucky you are there to help her through this and that she’s HOME where you can help her find good resources. Glad she’s getting some treatment.

I’d not think about college right now–have her focus on working with the therapist and therapy program and THEN see what is recommended for post HS–gap year, CC and then transfer, or something else.

It’s wise to help her develop more strengths to help her through stress and school anxiety now, especially as she’s asked for help and recognizes she needs it and is reaching out.

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The good news: better now than in college. Even better news: there IS help out there. You’re not alone.

I speak as someone who could have written your post (and sort of did, actually) – my son had a total breakdown as a college freshman. His background was very much like your daughter’s. What worked for us was pulling him out of school, getting him into therapy (it took a while to find therapists he liked – it may take a bit for your daughter. It’s OK. Let her keep trying until she finds someone she clicks with) getting him on meds, and finding ones that helped him. (Not all do.) It’s taken time. After his breakdown he had zero self-esteem, zero self-confidence, and it took time to repair that, too.

We’ve had some setbacks, but also some successes. I’ve found wonderful suggestions and support on this forum. I feel better now about my son’s health - and his future - than ever before.

All I can advise now, is to let your daughter know that her health, her happiness is your #1 priority. Be supportive, warm, non-judgmental (I know you’re not) and reassuring that she will, without doubt, overcome this crisis.

Hugs.

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Ditto HRSmom, a commuting school.

The program you found sounds very good. Experienced staff and others, like herself, dealing with crippling anxiety.

What are her future goals? Does she need college?

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I’m sorry to hear that your daughter is so unhappy but good for you and for her for realizing that she needs help and for being willing to accept the help that was offered. And I’m glad she got into a program so quickly. Sometimes people have to wait months for therapy.

Both my daughters have struggled with anxiety, although manifested in different ways. I apologize to them for their genetic inheritance: their father and I and two grandparents (at least) have or had mental health issues. I strongly believe that acknowledging the problem and getting treatment, while not solutions on their own, are vital. I think my mom and I, who have both had treatment, function much better than do my husband and his dad, who say treatment won’t help (H) or deny having a problem (FIL).

11

Getting her into treatment is the best thing you can do for her. Good job! We went through anxiety and depression with one of ours and I know that helpless feeling when watching your child struggle. This is particularly hard during senior year when so much is in flux and at stake. What helped me relax during that time of uncertainty was to research and know all our options. Perhaps call the acceptance schools and inquire as to what would happen if your D was not ready to start in August. You don’t need to disclose a specific illness, just indicate she is being treated for a medical condition and if she is not stable at the start of the school year, is a deferral possible. The answers may also help lead you to the right school for her. Once we knew the options (and there are always options!), we were all able to put the school part aside and focus solely on our child’s heath and recovery. I would also look into the counseling and supports at her prospective schools before making any decisions.

If at the end of April, she is not strong enough for you all to make a matriculation decision, maybe ask for a few weeks extension due to ongoing medical treatment. It doesn’t hurt to ask. Hugs and good luck. It will get better.

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It sounds like you made a great start finding that out-patient program.

You must be so worried, and I’m glad you posted because you have had some really good responses. And you never know; it may help the next person.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. It feels like you’re on the right track.

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Here’s a cyber hug. And kudos to your daughter and you for taking that first step in getting help The program sounds wonderful.

Your daughter is not alone. My daughter’s best friend has been dealing with this for a few years. There have been ups and downs, struggles and successes. I wish your daughter the best.

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College will always be there. Her mental health is 100x more important. Best of wishes.

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Yes, “ongoing medical treatment” is a great phrase and will assure the Us that you are taking her health seriously and getting her the care she needs and deserves without revealing more than necessary. I’d also keep track of your medical bills, as you may exceed the 7.5% or 10% of your income and be able to deduct the portion that exceeds this, including transportation to and from medical appointments, medications, parking, etc. Here’s more info about saving records for deductions:

https://www.onepricetaxes.com/blog/Medical-Expenses-Tax-Deductions

It’s amazing how much out-of-pocket medical bills, insurance premiums, transportation, and lodging when care is out of state or far from your home can all add up. We have been able to deduct it a few times and will likely be able to deduct in 2016. Thankfully, we do have good insurance.

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Sorry hear of your situation, @BeeDAre. Anxiety can build and build and can become a real knock to productivity and confidence to the point where it can become paralyzing. Your daughter is fortunate to have your support and assistance. I’m glad she feels comfortable and has the strength to reach out to you, verbalize that she’s feeling overwhelmed and ask for help.

Sometimes, its hard not to get caught up in the rat race that is life but we don’t have to live our lives according to some standardized timetable. If it is best and healthiest for your daughter to postpone college until she feels ready, less stressed, and more confident, more power to her. A year or more off is not important in the big scheme of things.

I hope the therapy she has started to receive will be the first step in a positive and upward direction. Hugs to you!

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BeeDAre: My heart and best wishes go out to your family.

In sharing where your daughter is at this moment in her life, and your efforts to do everything to help her, you allow so many others to stop closing their eyes to what is before them, to stop the reactionary responses which just heighten a young person’s stress and anxiety. You embolden those to whom you have come for comfort.

I wish your family the best.

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You are a wonderful mom and your daughter is blessed to have you. Wishing you all the best.
Love, prayers, and hope.

19

What everyone else is saying-college will still be there in the future-let your D get healthy first. By listening to her and taking action, getting her help, you have done exactly what she needed. Thank you listening to her! My dear friend suffers from similar issues but her parents never really understood and got her the right help. At 40+ she still struggles. By doing what you did, hopefully your D will be able to make great progress.

Hugs and best wishes to all of you.

20

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words of encouragement and advice. I just had a feeling I could talk openly here… I appreciate this forum so much!

We have a very good CC, very good reputation, that is in our tax district. I’ve taken continuing-ed classes there and know a couple of students there (neighbors and friends’ kids) who plan to save money and transfer to the state flagship or another state school eventually. So, this could be an option for her, as well.

We also have a state school within a 40-minute train ride, and another within a 40-minute drive. That may not be ideal commuting distance, but if she decided to apply and attend there (they’d still be safeties for her, I think) she’d be close by, and at this point, I think I’d feel better about that. They’re both “suitcase” schools, but… that may be a good thing for her right now, or in the next couple of years.

We also have one of the CTCL schools just an hour away. I always thought this would be the best four-year college for her, but she was not enthused about it’s small size. Looking forward, I’m keeping it in mind as it may be the kind of nurturing place I’d suspected she needs.

At this point, re: college, I’ve decided by the end of today, we’ll take a day at a time.

Also, all of the above schools mentioned - she has not applied to those. A gap year and looking into doing that may be an option.

She applied to all “safeties” - I suspect because of the low-risk and her thinking she could work around the low competition and rigor. However, I’m not convinced of the low rigor. College work is college work! And it’s not a low rigor if she can’t manage the assignments! But I do think just the psychological effect of her thinking it’s lower-risk might help.

Of course, I told her again today, she could take a gap year and just work and/or volunteer. Maybe a break in academics would be good…?

And -

She wants to work in an office or museum, full-time and have health benefits and retirement benefits. :slight_smile: That’s it!

Oh, and paid vacation. She wants to travel more.

So, probably does not need college to accomplish these goals.

She is very frugal and would have no problem living beneath her means, I’m sure. She likes to look up ways to travel cheaply, for instance, always buys used clothes, not materialistic, etc.

But she used to be this vibrant, interesting kid, and the anxiety has almost sucked the life out of her.

She is learning heavily toward Anthropology as a major, and more foreign languages. She does very well in AP Spanish btw, she loves Spanish and probably doesn’t even consider it work - she also has been teaching herself French through duolingo (so I guess she is interested in a couple things and acts on it!)

I’m all for her studying what she loves and does not consider “work”.

She’s a good writer, but again, finds it almost impossible to get started.

Thank you, all, again, for the advice and encouragement.