my essay? UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO 2014!

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
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<p>hey, if possiblee… can i get some feedback on one of my essays for the university of chicago? please?
this is the prompt:
Essay Option 1.How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.)
Inspired by Kelly Kennedy, a fourth-year in the College.</p>

<p>heres the essay. help please.</p>

<p>words: 733 (and im trying to get it down to 500, is that the limit? i read somewhere its not though…)</p>

<pre><code> Not So Typical

I was caught on a November evening shirtless, pant less, and in front of a crowd of hundreds of people. No, I didn’t lose a bet and no, it wasn’t a dare, but it was my own decision, after a bit of convincing. Here’s the story….
</code></pre>

<p>Some people have a fear of heights, others bugs or spiders. For some it’s even public speaking. Well, I’ve ridden the Kingda Ka, inadvertently swallowed a fly and given several speeches in front of hundreds of people at a time, so none of those are my personal fear. My fear however did used to be wearing a bikini. This is typical coming from a teenage girl faced with 21st century media and looking at airbrushed pictures of Victoria Secret’s models, but for me, a girl who has won two pageant titles, typical? Yea, right. Even more atypical would be when and where I wore my first bikini.
I have been competing in pageants since I was six years old making both of the titles I won well earned and well deserved due to my dedication, commitment, and motivation to win. These pageants weren’t your typical beauty pageant, but scholarship programs that aimed to increase the confidence of girls and young women. As a result these pageants have NO SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
By the time I was fifteen I decided to try out my first swimsuit having pageant—Miss New York Teen USA. I had been avoiding this system for a while because of this, but my mom and sister finally convinced me to try it. I would get over my fear of wearing a bikini alright, only I would do it in front of hundreds of people and be judged while doing it! Yikes!
When the day of the pageant came I was in a competition with about 140 girls from all over New York. I was in one of six rooms with twenty of them. The room was really small, and had one mirror (that everyone hogged of course), and hairspray everywhere, and makeup bags all over the place, and the choreographers screaming “Where’s number ONE-OH-FIVE?” every three seconds. The entire time before I had to go on stage I kept my satin red robe on and I would not take it off. Finally, the moment had come and I had to remove my robe. I was so self conscious. I looked around and saw girls in their bikinis with bodies of all shapes and sizes, but they had such confidence and they didn’t seem to care what other people thought, and that was when I truly realized what this was about. Yes, I was here to win, but wasn’t doing a pageant about taking risks? Wasn’t doing a pageant about gaining confidence? Wasn’t a pageant about having fun?<br>
At that moment I became so much more relaxed than I had been before. Finally it had been my turn on stage and as the emcee announced “On to the center of the stage we have Talia Stewart…” that’s how I was caught. Without a shirt, without a pair of pants, but only a bikini top and bottom I felt the lights on me and relished in the moment. I smiled my biggest smile and walked to the center of the stage down the “cat walk.” I made my way to the end of the stage, posed to take my picture, turned around and continued to walk back to my spot. My first time ever being half naked in front of so many people!<br>
Although I didn’t win, being caught that way in that pageant allowed me to get over my fear and gain a different type of self confidence. The self confidence I gained allows me to appreciate and feel comfortable in my body, something I know lots of girls my age struggle with. This helps me in life, as I have realized that your fears are only as scary as you make them out to be and it’s okay to conquer them head on. Most importantly this experience has humbled me. I thought I knew everything about myself, and self confidence before but after, I learned I looked pretty good in a bikini, and to never doubt myself again.</p>

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<p>For Chicago? Nope. From the essay directions:</p>

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<p>So your essay can probably be in the range of 500-1000 words. However, you’re going to still want to edit your essay (I’m assuming what you’ve posted is an early rough draft), and you should easily be able to trim quite a bit.</p>

<p>You’ll also receive more responses if you post in the [college</a> essays](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/]college”>College Essays - College Confidential Forums) forum.</p>

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<p>o!
i see. ill change the forum
im new here!! lol. thanks so much!!! so much!!!
i thought chicago was rly rly strict and 500 words.</p>

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<p>Eh, I would NOT put this up yet. :stuck_out_tongue: I actually have already done my University of Chicago Essay, Prompt one, and I know I would not put it up in fear that someone might copy it. Anyway, I like it, but don’t be afraid about word limits. Mine is like 850 words and I can’t take away anything. :D</p>

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<p>Oh, and I like this. However, I will say mine is a bit more unique. XD</p>

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<p>It could use some polish, but as far as the underlying idea goes, I like it. Very uplifting, and as long as you are careful with the editing, you should be able to avoid having it come off as corny. Congratulations on a solid foundation! I love the prompts this year :)</p>

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<p>OMGG righttt! ><
and ur probablyy right. i proabbly shouldnt put this upp D:
i just dont know who to go to for feedback!</p>

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<p>Do you have good relationships with any of your language arts teachers? If so I’m sure one would be willing to read over it and provide constructive criticism.</p>

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<p>i do, but there’s so many essays from each student, are the english teachers really able to read all of them?</p>

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<p>My instructor has been more than happy to help me with my essays. If you are really concerned, I’d suggest getting an early start. Many students will wait till the fall before seeking guidance. Starting now could help alleviate pressure on the teachers.</p>

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<p>u know, i havent actually thought about that, but thats a GREAT idea.
thanks!</p>

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<p>I’m also a University of Chicago 2014 applicant. The UChicago essay can be as long as you want it to be. I was told that 5-6 pages typed was a good range. Personally, my essay (a response to prompt #2) is about five pages. </p>

<p>About your essay: It seems to do a good job of presenting your personality, but I noticed several grammatical errors right-off-the-bat. For example, “fear of heights, others OF bugs or spiders” and the line, “My fear however did used to be wearing a bikini” should be completely rewritten to say something like “I was once afraid of wearing bikinis however.” Just do some intense revision and you should be fine.</p>

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<p>omgg 5-6 pages?? wow.
yea i sorta revised this already (i started to hate it and i actually wrote it over) but then i got some other feedback and liked it again lol.
but 5-6 pages. wow. i dont think i can do that with this story lol. maybe 5-6 pages considering the prompt?
I will certainly get someone to check my errors. maybe its this whole summer vaction thing, im really messing those up ;)</p>